Saturday, 10 September 2011

what exactly were you hoping to see ?

. . . . or the post in which I whore my own blog.

How much attention do you pay to your stats ?

When I first started this blob I checked them every day -  it fascinated me that I could see where people were viewing it from, in fact it amazed me that anyone was reading it at all. It was for the same reason that I added the revolver map and Feedjit, but nowadays to be honest I really don't take that much notice.

Apart from 'Search Keywords'.

Constant source of hilarity that they are.
And often oddly pornographic . . . sometimes via Feedjit I can see which post their search led them too and it's usually not what they were expecting that's for sure.

One of my most popular posts is called "who wants to be a porn star" and I am forever seeing that listed on Feedjit. I'd love to see the faces of the pervs who look at it hoping for something entirely different to what they find.
"Jobs as a porn star"
"Home made porn films"
"Girlfriend fucking films"
"Everyone is making porn"
"Filmed me and my wife fucking"
"Porn made in Kenya"

Recently someone searched with "I want to fuck my neighbour" and was taken to love they neighbour, which is me moaning about the noisy bastards that live next door. And yeah it mentions that I can hear a lot of what goes on in their house, but as much I'd like to shoot their fucking noisy barking dogs I have no interest in fucking them . . . other then off.

I am also slightly concerned at the page views I get for my piss-taking facebook for the middle east post from Arabic countries, and last week it got one from Islamabad. If I disappear can someone please call in the SAS, but first check with MI5 that I haven't been hauled in for questioning.
And if that has happened by the time you read this can someone please start an Internet campaign to get me released.

Cowgirl is innocent. . . . sort of.
(Don't mention the shop lifting)

I have two posts that have marriage in the title and I often see that people have viewed these from India, one is a rather satirical post about my impending arranged marriage and the other has a bit of royal wedding bashing. I keep wondering if one of those people is going to make me an offer I can't refuse, but it's been a very long time since either post was commented on so I guess they weren't impressed.

Just before I went on holiday I read something in the help forums about Google Analytics and having looked at the site and what it does I added it to my blog. Totally forgot I'd done that until earlier this week when I saw the site saved in my favourites. It gives ALL the keywords, not just 10 as the stat page does and some of them are beyond strange.

autocunnilingus : scary godmother porn : furry bondage : mrs lube : rohypnol fuck : cat bitch slapper : make nipples longer : dog humping woman : girl in shopping cart : girl fucks gorilla : arse on fire : gay sailors : yeah nah you're a cunt : Mississippi handbag : smoking frogs : fuck the ducks : anti nazi shirt : bumps on my lip : hot and tight demotivational posters : do nuns finger themselves : naked paintball : pimples on my penis

I could go on - there are over 1000, as puzzling as it is how some of these have directed people here I'm even more concerned about what some of them were really looking for.
I'd recommend adding analytics just for the entertainment it provides.

And my all time favourite keyword . . .  "Dog shoulder diagrams"

If you can find a post that relates to that phrase in this blog then you are better then me because I have never figured that one out and I wrote the fucking thing.

And finally this weeks pick of the bunch from my super intelligent facebook friends.

Well go away and do it quietly then.
Ironically the person who posted this is one of the few women I know who makes me seem quiet.

I replied to this,
"Is she doing art? "
What I wanted to say was "shame you never went".

I'm still waiting for a response.

On a completely unrelated topic I have been to the cinema tonight. Went to see The Inbetweeners movie, this will only mean something to UK readers - but go and see it, funniest thing I've seen in ages.


  1. Lots of attempted pedophiles seem to find their way to my blog. My current favorite on my stats page is "gay fuck "dirty talk" "blogspot"".

  2. Haha, I love keywords! So far I've only had two and they're both extremely boring. The first one was "Where the people stayed" and the other was "Brunei Legislative Council Building."


    I'll have to live vicariously through your keyword searches, dcg!

  3. I stare at my stats much to much. I look longingly at my mail to tell me somebody has commented on a post. I am a narcissistic putz. But, I agree Search Keywords, are hilarious!

  4. :D LOL!

    The keyword searches are hiliarious! So are the Facebook screeen shots!

  5. I just found 'cunnilngus thick thighs' on my stats.

    Now I did write a post using the 'C' word but wherethe hell did they get the thick thighs part from?...unless someone's been looking through my bedroom window...again.

  6. Most of my traffic is from people googling sexual topics or looking at the source blog for certain pictures. There was a guy who wanted to be squeezed by a female gorilla who actually left a comment and sent me an email. I advised him to hook with a female body builder instead.

  7. Wow, I wish my keywords were so exciting. I get "crochet hat scarf" and boring crap like that. But a few really caught me as odd... like "my new teeth" O.o uh-huh... And the creepy one is "Dotchi Latham" (in quotes). At first I like, COOL! Then I was like WTF? Someone knows my pen name and is googling me? Freaky! My fave is "mom drinking". Still not sure how that landed them on my blog.

    Btw, I searched "dog shoulder diagram" for the last hour and still couldn't find your blog in the search unless I put "dirty cowgirl" in there too. So when you check your stats again... That was me! :D

  8. i have to say, i love the ridic FB grammar/spelling entries you put in :)

    and as for search keywords, i have to really wonder what people think when they 'come across' my blog lol!

  9. I stick with my statement regarding some of my search words vs. blog findings; "well...weren't you sorely disappointed."

    And pervs are hilarious.

    ...Says the girl with the favorite search word(s): "filling asses with potatos" ;D

    Awesome DCG, simply awesome!

  10. @Maxwell, I can't think why but I'm not surprised.
    @Vee, give it time - the pervs will find it lol.
    @Flip, I think you need to get out more.
    @Dessie, I have more, I find myself looking out for them now every time I check fb.
    @Lily, that is the best one yet !
    @GB, Did he think you were a real gorilla ? That is one strange fetish.
    @Dotchi, That is a bit worrying - and at least this time I'll know.
    @Andrea, I can well imagine what they think they're gonna find lol.
    @BBG, And with that you won.

  11. I've had a few. I know I disappoint some poor boys looking for free gay porn.

  12. This was feakin' hilarious. I have often wondered what search terms could lead someone to my hellhole. I will have to try and figure out the analytics thing.

  13. @Jamie, I'm sure you do.
    @Chuck, It tells you a lot more then keywords - most of which makes even less sense then they do to me.

  14. ok, now i'm in love. but c'mom, Mrs. Lube isn't your favorite? Mrs. Lube! It's the best.

    The other day on FB someone was writing me a kind note but wrote "your too funny." Instead of being pleased, I was small and petty and thinking, "it's you're, you fucking moron."

    i am kind of unkind.



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