Sunday, 29 April 2012

typical



I went on a date last night.
You can probably figure out that it didn't go well because I am writing about it here, and because I was home early enough to spend some time fiddling about with my gadgets.
(No, that is not a euphemism).
Before I get to what happened last night I have a website to share. When I added the last Twitter and Email buttons I had already made the little pics of Doris (yes, my avatar horse has a name, so what) that you can see now, but I didn't use them because they looked rubbish in a black square and you can't make the backgrounds transparent using paint. I decided to have a trawl around and see what I could find.
I got lucky, I found http://www.lunapic.com/editor/. If you like drawing have a look, it's like an improved version of paint with a mini version of photoshop and it's very easy to use.
I've not really played around with it much yet, I just did what I wanted to my gadgets, but from what I can see so far it's pretty damn cool. It even makes animations.

So..um..last night.
Met the guy on a dating site. I've not been spending much time on them, not like I used to, I just reactivated my profiles then forgot about them really. But I checked one a few weeks ago and this fella had left a message saying he liked mine (fuck knows why, it doesn't say much) and asked a couple of questions. Where did I live, what do I do in my spare time (I lied - I blog, eat chocolate and watch porn might've given the wrong impression), have I got any kids etc, usual stuff.
For the last couple of weeks every time I checked (which wasn't that often) he'd left another reply, but the last one said that he could see I wasn't ever really on the site when he was to have a "proper chat" so how about we meet for a drink.

Well ok. His profile said he had been single for a while and although happy that way was hoping to meet someone who might change his mind. He looked alright, I'm not attracted to men that are good looking anyway, what I look for is a "spark". And the-worst-mistake-I-ever-made (one day I will tell that story) was very much "my type", a bit short, stocky, younger then me, liked to party, but ever since him any fella that even remotely looks like him instantly puts me off. This is a problem. "My type" now is definitely not my "type, so I no longer have a "type".
(How many times can a person say the word "type" in one sentence).
So when it comes to who I might fancy I guess you could say I'm trying to think outside the box.


Haven't I kissed enough frogs. Where's my fucking prince.

Which is why I agreed to go for a drink with a man who was tall, a couple of years older then me, and from his profile sounded very straight. Not straight as in not gay, straight as in boring normal.
I actually think that my heart really is no longer into it when it comes to the opposite sex. I blame the mentalpause and crazy hormones, but not so long ago if I had a date I would be very excited because I might get some sex about the possibilities - even though I was always disappointed at the end. I really had to talk myself into going last night, but I gave the guy my number (it's ok, in a week my contract is up and I already have a new phone and number) so I figured I couldn't let him down.

I made no effort with myself. No make-up, hair in a pony tail, combat trousers, vest top, Uggs. And I had big knickers on. That's when you KNOW that you're really not that interested. That even if it goes really well and he's really nice NOTHING is happening, because I never saw the point in wasting time if I was attracted to someone. My hair is the giveaway, I have thick hair that's down to my waist and I know that a lot of men like that, when that's tied up out of the way before I even get there, as opposed to tied up later because it's getting in the way then I know I'm not that bothered.
But I get there, in my casual can't-be-fucking-arsed look and he is wearing a suit.
A fucking suit ! For a drink in a pub. And it was grey, and I'm no expert but I don't think it was an Armani. More like Primark.
So there I am feeling like I'm in the pub with my bank manager.

We get a drink, well I got two. A shot of Tequila and a JD and coke. He had a glass of wine.
And I swear he raised his eyebrows when he asked me what I wanted. Yup, within five minutes of getting there I knew I was going to leave as soon as I could, so NOT my kind of person, but we went and sat down.
"So tell me about you then Cowgirl. . . "
In other words he's got nothing interesting to say so he wants me to do all the talking. Not normally a problem, but we're supposed to be on a date and my non stop chatter has caused issues on dates before.
But anyway.
"What do you want to know?"
"Well what are you looking for?"
Right, I get you now. I KNOW that when men ask this question of women on dating sites it usually means they are looking to get laid, because otherwise you wouldn't ask you would just get to know each other and see what happens. Ok if I liked a person I may well fuck on the first date, and I have tried "adult dating", but this loser made out he was looking for a potential girlfriend and I can't stand dishonesty. Two can play at that game. 
I think I'll stick around a while and have me some entertainment at your expense.




"What am I looking for ? At the moment I'm trying to find some curtains to match my newly wallpapered dining room".
"Hahaha, you're very funny but that's not what I meant".
"No, well I don't really know what you meant by that question. I mean we're all looking for something aren't we ? Life is supposed to be an endless quest isn't it, I guess like most people I'm looking for the path to enlightenment and salvation. . . .
I then rambled on for a good twenty minutes about hippy stuff and buddhist theories, him nodding his head like he knew what I was on about. I don't know how - I was talking utter bollocks, but all the while he kept staring down my top.
. . . so yeah, I guess that just about sums it up, that's what I'm looking for. But that's enough about me how about you ? What are you looking for ?"
"Well, nothing as complicated (LOL!) as that I was just hoping to meet someone and have some fun".
Fun being the dating site code word for no strings sex. And what really pisses me off about guys like that is they are really not concerned with whether they fancy you. As long as you're not too fat and have tits and a vagina you'll do.
"Great, me too. I love doing fun things, what do you want to do, the funfairs probably still open. What's the time ? I could probably get some drugs and we could go clubbing after".
I only wish I had taken my camera and gotten a picture of his face when I said that.


I think Jack might just be the only man for me. I know he's my type.


I went to the toilet, when I came back he still looked confused.
Then I just said "well it's been nice meeting you but I have to go now, if I'm not home soon my tag will go off and I don't want to go back to prison".
And left.




So much for outside the box.
Back to blogging, chocolate and porn then.






PS. How cool are my new gadgets ? And I would just like to draw your attention to the "ask me anything" page. . .  go on. Somebody ? Anyone ?






33 comments:

  1. I can't believe the guy you were meeting wore a suit to a first date at bar, and not even a good suit at that, this story was hilarious Cow Girl, the guy certainly doesn't sound like he was much of a catch haha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No he wasn't, neither am I, but it's not like he knew that beforehand.

      Delete
  2. I'm going to guess you didn't shave your legs either. I get what you mean though - about guys who will try to get in your pants and not even be attracted. Kinda blows big nasty chunks.

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    Replies
    1. Hahahaha. No, I didn't and yeah it does.

      Delete
  3. First off if you're looking to download something like that site then I suggest Paint.net. It's essentially a free version of Photoshop, just probably doesn't have all the options. That does sound like a pretty bad date indeed. Though I have to say if you had started talking like that with me I'd have probably gone along with it.

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    Replies
    1. That was the first thing I found, but you have to download it and it wouldn't let me do that without adding their toolbar too. Lunapic is online, you only save the picture once it's done, and you can have an account to save pictures on their site.
      It was, I have no doubt he thought I was being serious too.

      Delete
  4. I understand the suit but grey that is an error in a pub. Pubs need darker gangster style suits, as it happens suits are cool men wear them for work, weddings and funerals but not just out chilling in the wilds and that is a good place to wear them as long as its not raining. Although you can confuse folk by spraying the entire suit in one of those water proof sprays, then everyone thinks your an alien. No its true most people seeing a man in a suit walking in the wilds with the rain falling off him while he remains dry just assume your an alien , although occasionally shouting beep helps a bit. Avoid naked flames though and shouting beep in a pub is not a good move though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so tempted to copy that and send it to him.
      Just to confuse him even more.

      Delete
  5. You mean he didn't want to go to the funfair? What a bore! It sounds as if he liked your boobs, though, so that's something positive to take from the encounter.

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    Replies
    1. Actually it was a good thing he didn't, because the only ride I will go on is the dodgems.
      Every cloud and all that.

      Delete
  6. Date? What is "date"?

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. In my world a date is usually a disaster.

      Delete
  7. My ask you anything question: Do you like anal sex? What's your favorite sexual position WITH A MAN, not a machine?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are supposed to ask me on the page. But I will save the answer to that for later.

      Delete
  8. I now realized what had been missing in my blog reading for the last month! That was so hilarious I wish you taken a camera with you!

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    Replies
    1. So do I Chuck, so do I.
      Ah well if I ever get another date I'll be sure to take it.

      Delete
  9. And this is why YOU ROCK!
    I would have given anything to be a fly on the wall of that pub.

    Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? Where's the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds...ahem...sorry, got a little carried away.

    Loving the widgets by the way. The expression on Doris's face, makes me laugh.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Lily, I don't suppose that's what he thought...huh...like I care, I had fun.
      Just not that kind of fun.

      Delete
  10. I loved this story... the last date [it was date 2 out of 3 ever ever ever for me] i ran out of hot water and shaved only one leg. I was so preoccupied by the smooth -vs- hairy experience, i was distracted all the evening with my lameassed date. Who was a "type" which turns me off anyhow, but I didn't want to be closed minded... stupid crap I did in youth.

    Dates sound like fun- even if just to f*ck with "straight" bankers and have funny blobs to tell.

    Keep dating please.
    & I hope one of those dang frogs turns out Princely very soon!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is so funny, I can just see you with your one hairy leg. Hahahaaa.
      And yeah, if I haven't been blacklisted I might just seek out a few more, just to blob about it.

      Delete
  11. This post makes me want to ask you out on a date.
    I learned my lesson about the giant underwear. I went out on a date with a tiny man long ago. Surely he didn't expect me to put out for him. While his face was pleasant to look at, it required that I look down and hurt my neck. But, as the night progressed, I found myself attracted to him. We fooled around a bit, looked at my underwear, and laughed hysterically. He still wanted to move forward, but I was too embarrassed.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Try me ? However if it goes badly you know I will write about it.
      That's hilarious too, but I kinda think if it gets to the point where he can see the huge pants then they may as well come off.

      Delete
  12. I think you were really mean to that guy. He sounded awesome. Can I call him? I need a new friend, especially one that is a snappy dresser.

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  13. You should have told him his pants were so tight that his "unit" was leaving a "print".

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    1. HAHAHA. Yeah, but then he might of thought I was interested in his unit init.

      Delete
  14. That guy blew it!! The funfair was right there and he didnt see it..... oh well!
    I bet he cries after sex anyways!

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    1. He would've if he'd had some with me.

      Delete
  15. Damn, I agree with Chuck. And I would have been crazy in love with you after your rambling hippie monologue.

    To some decent, nay, Lusty And Excellent fuckery in your future!

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    1. Why thanks Jill, it was so funny watching him pretending to be interested, while I'm talking rubbish, I was making it up as I went along.

      I sincerely hope so !

      Delete
  16. I'm pretty sure you should just date Violet. It would make for epic blobs.
    I'm so bad at dating that I'm going to stay married... FOREVER.

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    1. Maybe I should, it certainly would.

      VIOLET !!! How about it ???

      Delete
  17. Well, that's two for two today. Mind you, I am so behind on catching up with the blogs I read I have a whole bucket of "Fuck it" by the desk next to me. But I will say that I am liking your writing style. The muse is with you!

    ReplyDelete

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