Sunday, 5 February 2012

found it

Ever get the feeling you are being watched ?

As I'm sure I've said before, although I kind of have what some people might regard as spiritual beliefs I have never believed in God. The idea of some white haired kindly old fella sat on a cloud watching over us is just the stuff of fairy tales and myth to me. And if there was some all knowing omnipresence directing us from on high then considering the fucked up shit that happens in this world he (or she for that matter) can hardly be what you'd call benevolent.

But I have just looked at my feedjit and seen this :

Fucking hell. Someone from 'God' has looked at this blog.
I checked the stats and they came here direct too, no typing of "man fucks steak", "I need kinky sex in Goa" or "anal gadget" brought them here.
And yes, those are actual keywords from the last week.
Is there a name for people who have sex with food ? I don't want to know.
Maybe 'God' was checking up on the perverts of the world and figured LAWAFM was a good place to start. And if he or she looked at the search keywords I can understand why that mistake was made, but I am a little bit worried in case I am now going to hell.

Yeah, as if I wasn't headed there long before I even had the internet never mind a blog.
Ah well, in for a penny in for a pound. One of the things I brought back from India was some Viagra to sell, you can buy it for next to nothing over there but the tablets go for a fiver each in the UK. I'm not one to pass up the chance to make some easy money, and it's not actually illegal unlike the bag of weed I brought back from Jamaica so why the hell not.

A couple of years ago I belonged to an 'adult' dating site. That is, a dating site where people are actually upfront that they just want a shag, as opposed to 'proper' dating sites where they pretend they are single/fifteen years younger/looking for a long term relationship.
(One day I will write about the disasters experiences I had there).
There are a couple of guys I met there who I knew would buy some Viagra. I rejoined the site, found their profiles and left a message. You can't leave an email or phone number - the site filters them out, so I've been checking back every couple of days for their reply.
One of the guys got back to me in the week and said he would be online Friday night, in the 'live' chat you can give an email if you're creative..."sexy and. Horny. (all one word) Find me at the live one in UK"... so I log in to talk to him.
Which means I'm showing as online for ages, so I keep getting other fellas trying to chat.

Of course I'm gonna take a look at their profiles aren't I ?

And then I got a 'wink' from this. . . .

warning : do not scroll down if you are eating or of a weak disposition

*big enough gap to read the disclaimer before you see it*

ready ??

Bear in mind this is essentially a "find a fuck buddy" site, you would think a person would want to show themselves in the best physical way possible.
Maybe he thinks as we both obviously consider our tits to be our best feature we'll have something in common ? Nice tan you got around the neck there mate too, and no you aint gonna see mine.

Apparently his wife knows he's on the site as her "illness" means they can no longer have sex. More like she's sick of him trying to climb on top of her and his waistline is the real reason. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that it was her idea he join the fucking thing in the first place.
There was a message attached to the 'wink' that asked if I fancied a chat, I ignored it but then he messaged me again saying "I take it you don't want to chat".
"No, sorry, but I have a rule. Never talk to men with tits bigger then mine."

I might start visiting that site more often. I have a feeling there will be some glorious blog posts from it.

Or I could arrange to meet people and take one of these along with me on the dates.

That, my friends, is an ANTI-RAPE CONDOM.
I kid you not.
It is 'worn' in a vagina, and once penetrated can only be surgically removed, otherwise the spines inside it will rip the outside of your penis to shreds.
Someone sent me this picture, and I have to say it's quite possibly one of the most thought provoking things I've seen in a long time.
For a start, can you imagine living somewhere where the chances of getting raped are so high that you even need to consider wearing one ? Just doesn't bear thinking about does it. Such places do exist of course (it's things like this that only confirm my ideas about god) and apparently it was developed for use in Africa. I watched a documentary a while ago about Rwanda and what happened out there, but I'm sure in other parts of the world those things occur too.

But of course then my brain went off on it's own warped little tangent.
Going out ?
Keys. Check.
Purse. Check.
Mobile. Check.
Anti-rape condom. Check.

I know what I was like when I first got my can of Mace - (It's illegal in the UK, get caught with it and you will be charged with carrying an offensive weapon, so a mate brought it back from France) - I was walking down the road at night positively HOPING that someone would try and start trouble with me 'cos I was just dying to spray some fucker with it.
Keys. Check.
Anti-rape condom.Check.
VERY Short skirt. Check.
High heels. Check.
Slutty make-up.Check.
Enough vodka to make me look like an easy target. Check.
Yeah come on ! Rape me and see what you get you motherfucker !

And then there's that whole thing about a woman scorned. . . .
Found out your fellas been cheating ? Here's a way to make damn sure he never does it again. I know a thing or two about revenge and the lengths some women will go to. We've all got a bit of an inner psycho floating around inside us somewhere, now you can fully express that by letting it loose (no pun intended) in your vagina.

As my best mate is very fond of saying NEVER underestimate the power of the pussy.

And talking of animals I went to the shop with my friends six year old son yesterday ( I have been helping her sort out her house, as they are going away for a six month break to visit family abroad ) and there was a very friendly large dog tied up outside. He stopped to pet the dog for a bit.
So we are in the long slow moving queue in the shop and he says.
"I like that dog Cowgirl, I'd like to take it home with me"
"Well you can't, it belongs to someone, and anyway you're going away for a long time"
"I'll take it with me"
"How are you going to do that"
"I can pack it in my case"
"But it will bark"
"I'll do something to it to make it keep quiet...."
"But it will still wriggle"
"Then I'll tie it up so it can't move"
"Ok, so you're going to tie it up and gag it, stuff it in a suitcase and smuggle it. I think you will get caught and be in a lot of trouble with the police and the RSPCA".
He then got distracted by a display of chocolate for a bit, and was chatting to another little lad in the queue, which was still moving very slowly. Why do shops only have one cashier at the busiest times ? After a while he says,
"When we leave I'm gonna see that dog again and take it."
"I doubt it will still be there, we've been in here a very long time"
"I bet it is, in fact (he nods towards the man behind us in the queue) I bet it's that man's dog"
"Ask him"
"Excuse me, is that big black and white dog outside yours"
"Yeah (laughing) as a matter of fact it is"
At this he turns to me with a very self satisfied look that says I was right and you were wrong. But I had the last laugh because I explained to him that as the dog did indeed belong to the man behind us, that meant that he had heard all about the plan to steal his dog and stuff it in a suitcase.
Luckily the fella thought this was as hilarious as I did.

I think I might be back.

There were other reasons apart from the post holiday chill that occupied my thoughts.
Last Saturday we lost one of our much loved cats, and this week I have been composing possibly the most difficult post I have ever had to write.
It wasn't for this blog, but I think that I needed to get that done before I could return to normal service over here. You might remember the post I wrote ages ago about a blogger friend who was having a tough time, what I didn't say in that post was that she had a brain tumour.
I returned from India to the news that she had died, and the post I have been working on is the final one for her blog, as her sister very kindly asked me to write it, it's done now and I am very happy with the way it's turned out.
I feel like I needed to do that for her.
This blogging world we inhabit is like a separate little universe (although apparently 'god' still watches it), we form our own little communities around groups of blogs and forums, and one of mine was in mourning and tasked me with laying a blog to rest.
And as with those we lose in real life I guess you can't begin to move on until you've done that.

But yeah. . . .bring it on !!!

And now I have about a thousand blogs posts to catch up on reading.


  1. Sorry to hear about your friend. I knew a funny blogger called "Mutley the Dog" who died in 2010.
    His children deleted his blog, but his girlfriend created this tribute blog for him. Reading his comments on my old posts is a bittersweet experience.

    I'm not surprised the wife of that guy who wanted to chat with you was ill. Having sex with him would make any woman ill.

    1. That's sad GB, my friends blog will remain intact, I think it's great that her words will always be there on the net for all to see.

  2. If I had the spare cash I would so slip kids money and say it's from their real dads. Rape condoms freak me the fuck out, as does the thought that God reads what I have to say. At least I've pandered to him a little I guess. You know there are weird ass women who do that too, Jessie was told a by a 51 year old woman, on a regular dating site, she wanted to sex her sweet ass up. I don't know if those were her actual words, but that was the gist. As a final note, I am dreading the day one of my cats is lost, and writing the final post for that blog is a really great thing to do.

    1. Oh me too, even a pound would do. And yeah I do, I got propositioned by a few women when I was on there before.
      I still can't get used to him not being sat on the back of the sofa, the other cats seem to know as well, which is odd. One of them has taken to sitting in his other spot, but then they say cats 'know' things and I agree.
      And thanks, I feel the same way about it.

  3. So sorry you lost your friend, I am sure that final blog post was very hard to write.

    Loved the insight on the dating sites. It reminded me of a date I had a few weeks ago, not a bad looking guy and the evening when well until half way through dinner when he looked at me and asked if I have ever had sex with animals. I really should blog about him, might do that today, he said several psychotic/interesting things over the next few days.

    Thanks, I needed this laugh from you today!

    1. Please do. I definitely want to read that. I have had some bizarre dates in my time as well.

  4. The photo of that man was absolutely sickening, I just can't understand how on earth the guy thought he was going to get any girls interested in him looking like that. I'm kind of glad God doesn't read my blog haha, great post as always Dirty Cow Girl!

    1. No me neither, I suppose he thinks there are women out there as desperate as he is.
      How do you know he doesn't ?
      And fyi it's dirtycowgirl :) (all one word, because of where the name comes from). Although I've always been kinda curious about how you got your name ?

  5. God doesn't have to be an old man with a white beard. I might just be kind of a universal spirit. But I don't believe in God so I don't really care >:)

    Cold As Heaven

  6. I am sorry about your friend. That would be a difficult post to write.

    The anti-rape condoms look vicious.

    I have a friend that always smuggles back a snake in hos luggage when he goes to Africa or South America. He says they just curl up and go to sleep until they are unpacked.

    1. I really hope that you are joking about the snakes because if not then that is very worrying.

  7. Ah, dcg, it's so great you've found your blogging mojo. Great post with the usual snorts of laughter combined with twinges of sadness reading about WW and your beloved cat. This blogging community is definitely something to be treasured and I'm so pleased to be a part of it, albeit in a small way. Thanks and hugs. :) xx

    1. Me too Vee, thousands of miles mean nothing when we have the internet :)

  8. On the death of a friend, I never spoke to her but she always produced a smile and a laugh with whomever she spoke to. Such a sad loss.

    On the subject of dating, you should really check out Shea's (above) recent post. It's hilarious!

    Glad to see you back blogging DCG. :)

    1. She did indeed, we spoke on the phone too and she was even funnier IRL !
      I read it - hilarious !!

  9. That anti-rape condom hurts just looking at it. But the plan is good!

    1. It doesn't look as if it would be exactly comfortable for the woman either does it.

  10. Yeah. You're back. I believe in God, but God is not an old man floating on a cloud. She is every race and she gave birth to our world. That's why God has to be a woman. It's never made sense that God is a man. That anti-rape condom is fascinating. When I die, I hope you write a final post for me. Make it good and dirty and write about all the nasty fun sex I had (I wish). You're the best.


    1. I think you might be right Janie.
      You can count on it being the filthiest thing ever written :)

  11. you so got your mojo back. this is like 8 good posts all crammed into one. which is great, but leaves commenters making weird emotional shifts like tv newscasters: "so so sorry about your friend. and that guy has huge boobs!"

    1. I did consider that possibility, but then this post is as random as my brain and once I started it I couldn't stop.

  12. Very good read my dear!! Can't believe you actually posted that pic of me from that dating site though, I thought we had an agreement! ;)

    1. Yay Bizzles back ! It really is time you wrote on your blog though - if my mojo was lost then I think yours needs a large dose of viagra.... and I happen to know where you can get some.

      We did.
      But you know I can't be trusted.

  13. I can't believe that anti-rape condom actually exists, it's times like these I'm glad to be female!

    Also, I'm really disappointed in you. Why would you reject such a fine specimen?!

    1. See above Sarah, Bizz deserved it for not posting in forever.

  14. No time to read the post right now....looks like you might be back! Now I'm kinda scared to let you know you have been tagged. I know, we have better things to do! I will be back and read the post when I'm not so busy!

    1. Now I'm curious.
      I have to make a special visit to Janie and then I will go and look :)

  15. Replies
    1. Thanks Monkey, I think it's about time I paid you a visit too.

  16. I'm so glad her sister got you to write a tribute to WW. She will be missed. The guy.... I'm gonna have nightmares. Sorry to hear about your cat. That is always painful to lose a furry family member.

    1. I know too.

      And yes, but thanks to you he has a Canadian namesake so the Nelson spirit lives on :))x

  17. thank you for the warning of scrolling, but i saw it anyway and am now scarred for the day.

    i would like to join you in your campaign of mace. i have two cans of it. never leave home without it.

    1. Maybe I should've made it a click to see, but if I have to suffer then it's only fair to share.

  18. I wish I had read this before posting the shameless act of getting you to play along in a silly game of tag. Sorry about your friend. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to write a final post for a departed blogger.

    And you are right about us bloggers having our own little community. I have only been on here for about 6 months and I feel like I have tons of new friends. I feel connected with all my readers. I genuinely care about people whom I have never met and live thousands of miles away. Next time I will be sure to read before dropping a comment.

    And yes, it seems you are getting back that mojo! I cringed just looking at the anti-rape condom. I may not sleep well tonight. That thing will haunt my dreams!

    1. That's ok Dan, life goes on, and so does blogging.
      I might just do that tag thing anyway :)

  19. I know I haven't posted for ages, but there's no need to put a pic of my cracking set of tits on your blog.
    But just to please you and everyone else who's moaned at me, I'll try to do one the weekend!

    1. if you don't I will stalk you on twitter until you do !

  20. I am terribly sorry for your loss. It's never easy to lose anyone. I don't think I have ever celebrated anyone's death. I kid you not, I cried when I heard that Gaddafi passed.

    The chubster is not terrible to look at. Tell him I will be in the UK this summer. He can feel free to contact me then.

  21. Jeees, DCG, that was all over! I laughed, I cried, I peed.
    Mostly I peed.
    Hugs @ yr friend and other friend.
    and Mr.Tittybags is ahmaaazing! focus on the zing. someone get him a bro-zere. dang!

    and God-zilla is always watching, we are the comedy network. or a train-wreck, either way... the joke's on us!!!

    Knew you'd be back in full swing asap...


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