Friday, 14 October 2011

teenage kicks


My blogger friend Lily recently wrote a post concerning her 'lil man' and his impending puberty. In response to her and a few of the comments (and also because the Hasidic Plumber has started writing guides and I want in on the book) I have decided to produce a guide to living with teenage boys. Son is 25 now, so I have lived through this traumatic experience and am worn out qualified in this subject.
I don't know whether any of this is relevant to teenage girls, I never had one of them. Of course I was one myself a long time ago, but at the time I was far too busy sulking in my room having fun to take much notice.
So anyway. . . 

Introduction :
You remember that lovely, well mannered, polite little boy who used to listen to you and who loved to go places with you. The one who came home from school and told you all about his day, the one who if he went somewhere without you would tell you that he missed you when he got back. The cute kid who kissed you goodbye and cuddled up on the sofa, who liked to get in your bed and snuggle up to read a book or watch a film ?

He's gone.
Hormones have got him.

But don't worry, he'll be back in about six years, and there's a very good chance he won't leave until he's at least 30.

Personal Hygiene :
In the early stages of puberty there is no such thing, around the same time that your teenager begins to stink need to use deodorant and shower at least once a day, he will develop an aversion to water.
Later on it becomes an obsession. To begin with you will have the usual struggle to get him in the bathroom although once there he will not want to leave. Eventually he will shower at least twice a day and demand to be bought men's shower gel, deodorant and possibly various hair products. (Which will all be left without the lids on). This stage will roughly coincide with a growing interest in girls, and is likely to be your only clue that he no longer hates the opposite sex.

Clothing :
Teenage boys are pack animals. This enables them to 'take over' skate parks, shopping centres and other places they 'hang out', and later helps with hunting the female of their species. In order for them to spot their own tribe and the correct females they need a means of identification.
This is called fashion.
You, the parent, are old. You are not expected to like or understand your sons choice of attire (although you will be expected to fund it), and you should never mock his uniform or his hair.
No matter how tempting.

Privacy :
All areas of your sons life. . .  school, friends, girls, where he goes, what he does, what he spends your his money on, when he will be home, who he is talking to on the phone, what he is doing on the computer, what those magazines are, why he suddenly has so many odd socks, why he can't tidy up . . . is none of your business.

Diet :
A growing boy needs to eat a lot. It is important that you keep the cupboards well stocked with your son's favourite foods. You must never mention the cost, he is not interested in how or where it comes from he just needs it be there when he is hungry and that is all the time. His dinner should be ready whatever time he comes home - as a parent you do not need to ask him when this may be, and ON NO ACCOUNT are you to phone him when he is with his friends to ask.
He will probably see your name on his phone and ignore it anyway.

Vocabulary :
It is perfectly acceptable for teenage boys to revert to using mostly grunts and mumbles. Unless talking about computer games (in which case you must appear to be suitably interested), informing parents of how embarrassing they are or talking to friends.
Some other sentences may be audible to the parent but these will be limited to :
"I hate you / that's not fair"
"What's for dinner"
"Can I have some money"
"I need some new trainers and/or game/ games console"
"Where are my trainers"
"No"

Hearing :
Do not be concerned if your teenager suddenly appears to be deaf. There is no need to take him to the doctor (as if he'd go without a fight anyway). To test his hearing try asking him if he would like some new trainers or telling him he is grounded.

Behaviour :
Normal 'at home' behaviour for your boy will be to be horizontal unless eating, using the bathroom or playing computer games, and even then he will find a way to do these that involve as little movement as possible. He will only become animated if agitated and will then slam doors and stamp about the house loudly.


Teenage boys will have mood swings, but unlike girls for whom this will likely settle into a monthly rhythm, your son will have them at any time. Without any obvious (to you) provocation.
Even though it is caused by hormones on no account should you attempt to discuss this with him, he will think you are going to talk about sex.
You have two choices, ignore him or give him money and he will go away - to his friends or his room. Either way you should not expect to see him for at least four hours. When he reappears you should not mention his previous tantrum.
He will probably have another one soon anyway.
This is allowed since he is the centre of the universe and the world revolves around him.

Sex and Girls :
You are NOT ALLOWED to ask your teenager about girls. If before puberty your relationship with your son meant he could talk to you about anything he may occasionally want to discuss this delicate subject. If this happens you should only answer the questions asked and remember the conversation is over when he leaves the room decides.
On no account should you attempt to discuss sex with the teenager. He gets his sex education from his mates, lads mags and Internet porn - he has no use for your old fashioned ideas about it.
He is a teenager and they invented sex.
You may, if you feel it is likely to be necessary, buy your teenager condoms. But - you must leave them in a discreet place in his room (if you can get in) and never talk about it.

See. . . there is no need to worry.

Note : Parents of teenagers DO NOT have sex. If you must do it then it should be done quietly and as quickly as possible, preferably when the teenager is out. You must never do or say anything in front of the teenager that even suggests you have ever had sex.
His conception must remain a mystery.

Bedroom :
The only thing a parent needs to know about a teenage boys bedroom is that it is OUT OF BOUNDS.
He does things in his room that are no concern of yours.
In order to keep you out your teenager needs to lay traps cover the floor in clothes, dirty cups and rubbish, and as an extra parent deterrent his body will secrete substances that make his room smell like a hamsters cage.
You may need to enter in order to collect things that need to be washed, but you must remember that the teenage boy thinks clothes are washed 'by magic', so you should leave no other evidence that you have entered his territory.
When the clothes are clean you may return them to the room ready for him to replace on the floor.

Discipline :
You really think you can discipline a teenage boy ?
If you really want your teenager to do something, such as tidy his room, you are much better off bribing him to do it rather then trying to punish him when he doesn't.
However when asking him to do any task you need to be VERY specific.
For instance it is no good telling him he needs to tidy his room, you need to break it down. ie Pick up your clothes, fold them, put them on hangers, hang them up, put the games in their cases (good luck with that one), wipe the shelf, put them on the shelf.
Just telling him to tidy his room will only confuse his hormone addled brain and in an effort to make himself feel better he is likely to make it worse.
Or have a tantrum.

Cool Parents :
You may think you are one.
Your teenager doesn't. He possibly thinks you, your fashionable clothes, tattoos and attempts to talk to his friends are even more embarrassing then his mates 'normal' parents.

Gay Teenagers :
I don't have anything to offer on this one, I figure I better include it because they are out there, but my Son turned out straight. I've told him many times that this is a source of disappointment to me, I want to go to Gay Pride and wear a t-shirt that says "I love my gay son" but he refuses to comply.
Selfish fucker.
I think I'll get the t-shirt, take a picture of me in it and have it as my facebook picture. That'll teach him.

Which brings me nicely to. . .
Parents Revenge :
You remember all those things your kid did when he was little that embarrassed you ?
Wait until he has all his friends round then tell them all about it.

A favourite of mine happened when Son was about nine and knew a little about sex.
He was outside playing with some friends then came in and said,
"Mum, do you know what a blow job is?"
Ok, so I always tried to be honest with him, but there are some things even a 'cool' Mother doesn't want to discuss with her nine year old, and sometimes there's no need so I say,
"Why are you asking me that?"
"Because Nathan (horrible older kid who liked to get the younger ones in trouble) was talking about it and told me and Tom we're stupid because we didn't know what it was"
"Well did Nathan tell you what he thought it was?"
"Yeah, he said it's when you put your willy in a girls mouth"
(Hmmm . . . not gonna set him up for more mocking from Nathan am I?)
"Ok, yes, it is, it's something that some grown ups do. . . "
"URGHHHHHHH YUUUUUUKKKK I'm NEVER doing that!"


I'm pretty sure he's changed his mind about that now.
And if it all get too much. . .

Valium and Tequila.
(For you, not the teenager).

This is an OLDER POST I wrote about living with the opposite sex, there's some stuff there that might also help explain a few things about teenage sons.




34 comments:

  1. I seriously loved this. I was a teenage boy once but I found my behaviour didn't change all that much. I already knew that baby photos were NOT for the memories, but merely for embarrassing your child in later life. You really should go to a pride parade with him, or at least wear a t-shirt and put it on Facebook. My parents never gave me the sex talk (and they wonder why I've given them no grandchildren) and I only hid porn once. I was a very innocent boy until I found the internet. My bedroom was never off limits because the chances of me doing something in there were incredibly minuscule, but this may have come from sharing it with my brother.

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  2. This guide will certainly come in handy someday! My kids are younger (my daughter turns 8 tomorrow)

    I was blessed with cool parents. That, or they were too high or drunk to give a shit what we did. They never walked in on me while masturbating and gave me weed, err I mean money whenever I asked and I never had a curfew! And look, I turned out just fine!

    The pic of the cat is freakin hilarious!

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  3. LoL...the only thing different about the teenage girl is the missing sock thing and maybete magazines. This was hillarious!

    BUT...so freakin' true!

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  4. I have 3 sons, now aged 37, 38, and 39, and this post was spot on! I loved it!

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  5. AAHHHH- too depressing. I love my sons the way they are now -what you describe is monstrous. How could something so cute become so evil?

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  6. As someone who not only assited in the raising of a teenage male, but then underwent gender reassignment and went through teenage male puberty myself (damned hormone shots) OMG you soooo nailed it! I don't think anyone could have described it better

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  7. This whole post had me cracking up, especially the part about gay sons. Oh you're awesome hahaha!!!

    Anyone would be lucky to have such a cool mom!

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  8. The gay teenager paragraph is totally inappropriate. (I laughed a lot.)

    very funny

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  9. I'm pretty sure that all people, upon reaching the age of 25, need to apologize to their parents for every being a teenager.

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  10. Spot on! This needs to be copy/pasted and sent to every parent with a child nearing puberty.

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  11. That last picture made me spit my tea out with laughter ! The post is all true ! I started puberty at 9 so my poor old lady had an extra few years of me being a knob head !

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  12. OK, never let it be said that I don't stick to my word. Sending over all the money I earned from being pimped out.

    That was absolutely bloody brilliant!!
    If you were to publish that as a guide, I've no doubt that that would be in the top 5 best sellers, seriously!

    As for the gay teen, I'm still holding out hope!

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  13. That's pretty much how I remember it, except I was actually tidy.

    Girls are pretty much the same, although you think someone has been sent to 'the chair' when they come home as seconds after my youngest comes home, all the lights dim momentarily as it struggles to deal with the increased electricity demand.

    I encouraged both of my girls to find a nice girl and settle down, they don't listen!!

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  14. Hilarious post, dcg, and so true!! Love the pictures! :D

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  15. This is an excellent post as usual. Us teenagers really do suck!

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  16. Did your lad ever bring girls home? If so, did you enforce any rules?

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  17. Brilliant stuff, teenage boys are always unflinchinglly polite with their mates parents while being an absolute pain in the arse with their own.

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  18. Awesome post!!! My son is 13 and you have captured this crazy time perfectly!

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  19. This amazes me and scares me. Mothers simply know, they know everything with a fucking sixth sense hahahaha This is an accurate guide, as accurate as i've seen.
    What made me laugh the most, was the part about sex. I'm 25 myself and i still try to avoid the idea of my parents having sex hahahah i DO know they do it, because they are always happy, but my brain wants to believe they haven't done it in at least 20 years hahahaha i don't care what you say, the just didnt :P

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  20. @Mark, "didn't change that much" ? So were you a terrible child lol. This is meant to reflect the worst, there are exceptions to every rule. Maybe you should give your parents 'the talk' instead. He has been to pride - just not with me.
    @dan, Happy Birthday to your daughter - I think daughters and their dad's are different to mothers and sons- as long as she doesn't get a boyfriend until she's 30. Even now my Dad can get a bit 'funny' if I start seeing someone. I was a cool parent - I made my son and his mates hash cakes for his 18th, although I'd eaten thenm by the time they got back fron the afternoons paintballing.
    I enjoyed the party.
    @Kim, Maybe with girls the electric toothbrushes go missing.
    @Eva, OH MY GOD ! That must've been a nightmare when they were 13, 14 & 15. You deserve a medal.
    @gweenbrick, Like I said . . . hormones. And there is nothing you can do about it.
    @Erich, I'm curious if as you went through it by choice and later in life then usual were you aware that the emotional changes were happening ? My understanding is that most TG people take hormones because of what it does to their appearance, but is there a point where you think that you are starting to 'feel' like a man ?
    @Jez, try telling that to him. Well he knows now, but at the time. . .
    @flip, I'm always innappropriate that's what makes me cool.
    @Maxwell, well Son is now 25 and I'm still waiting.
    @Mike, Good idea, this might be how I make my fortune.
    @Stu. Son was about 10, the good thing about starting it young is boys are still small enough to slap.
    @lily, You and me both, we'll get to Heaven yet ! I'll send you my paypal details.
    @Arlequin, as I said to Mark, there are exceptions. You may be right. . .or she may in fact be possessed. Apparently teen girls are magnets for poltergeists - that was my excuse anyway.
    @Vee & Yeamie, thanks :)
    @GB, Yes, but he was respectful of the freedoms he had. I certainly didn't know if he had sex in the house when I was there until he had a proper girlfriend and that was later on. I'm sure he did, but then he wouldn't of wanted me to know in case I then decided to talk to him about safe sex.
    I bought him condoms as soon as I knew he was no longer a virgin - and he told me - in one sentence, then refused to discuss it further.
    @Tony, Kevin and Perry syndrome.
    @krouth, I feel your pain.
    @HP, we do indeed. My son is kinda ok about me having sex now (huh. . what sex?), we can almost have an adult conversation about it, as long as we talk in third party. But he would have no problem with me telling him to bugger off for the night if I had a 'visitor'.
    Downside of that is he'd expect me to do the same for him.

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  21. This is spot on. It brought back so many memories of raising a teenager and (a long long long time ago) BEING a teenager.
    One thing about the bathroom....teenage boys stay in the bathroom for a long time and the bedrooms of teenage boys are oftimes littered with balled-up pieces of tissue paper (ok, everyone together....EWWWWWWW!!!)
    Maybe I could write one about raising a teenage girl. Yep, I have one of those, too.
    That's it for now. I need to go to the store to buy bananas.

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  22. Im loving the facebook picture idea!!!

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  23. omg dirty, that was so funny ... and now i have a template to follow if we get to adopt in the Dominican Republic

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  24. Excellent stuff. You missed the bit about knowing everything. With the internet sometimes they actually do

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  25. @Al, I definitely think you should write one. And that explains where all the loo roll goes and why you need so many varieties.
    @Choleesa, It's still possible that I might.
    @Andrea, I was thinking it might just come in handy for Papi.
    @Greg, I know, I am actually thinking there needs to be a part two as there are a few other things I've since thought of.

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  26. Absolutely comprehensive and informative! I should take it from a Pro. =)
    Thanks for this excellent post!

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  27. I laughed at that first comic pretty hard. More parents should try that

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  28. Wrong, parents DO NOT have sex. Ever. Nope.

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  29. Slap ! The only time my old lady ever raissed her hand to be was a square punch to the Jaw which nearly took me to the ground when i was 15 ! I with out question deserved it and i still cant believe she hit me so well !

    I have been readin you old posts and there are some bloody classics in here mate ! Good work !

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  30. I don't look forward to this if I have a boy. Of course, raising a teen girl could be worse. Having the 'this dress makes you look like a $2 prostitute' conversation is not something I ever want to have to do.

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  31. This proves that not only are you acidicly witty, but a great mum and a fab mentor to anyone who may have a boy-kid... god bless 'em!

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  32. I love this one, thanks for leaving the link on my blog. It almost makes you feel sorry for all the parents that "aren't there yet", anyone reading this and the posts on my blog will become instant birth control advocates. I was hysterical over the gay son comment, I just made a similar comment to my own Forever Child last night when I informed him that a gay son would be happy to paint my toenails for me. He informed me I didn't want a gay son I wanted a gay drag queen son. I think he is right. He still refused, grunted in disgust and went back to his lair. Based on his reaction I can only assume he will not be watching old Cher videos with me either.

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  33. Loved this post. Your Google plus comment said you don't have a theme for your blog. You're not alone. Finding a theme is suppose to be a big deal, but what a headache! I tried one of those tutorials that is suppose to help you focus and find a theme for your blog, like draw a circle, free associate, write the first words that POP in your head, draw a line, free associate some more, then draw more circles, then draw a stick figure, then a word bubble and inside the word bubble write "This tutorial sucks!!" I know people who are dead in the water on their blogs because of the theme dilemma. I clicked your link because you have no theme and I can relate to that. Can't relate to being a parent, but still it is one of the best posts I've read all day. It was scarey true. One thing, I never understood the whole sock thing. Guess being poor, not having very many socks, and being too afraid of mom asking why was I dirtying up so many socks so quick, stopped me. Anyways Good luck on your blog and the theme thing.

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