Monday, 11 July 2011

arranged marriage

Last week a friend informed me that I am to be married off.

I should explain.
This friend, myself and a few others are going to India for a month in December. Christmas and New Year in the sun - bring it on. I have never been before, although India has always been on my to-do list, but my friend has been several times.
Her ultimate goal is to buy a house and live out there, but in order to be able to do this she needs to be married to an Indian.
However her husband might have something to say about that.
I, on the other hand, have no husband. So she has decided that the best way round her dilemma is to marry me off to an Indian man so that I can buy the house instead.

In theory I’m not exactly opposed to the idea - I get to live in the house in the sun too, but I’m not sure what my dowry would be. Maybe my Indian readers could research the going rate for a loud sarcastic English bird who lets be honest, is a bit past her sell by date.

I joke - but it's a serious issue. Click pic for more info.
I guess in a culture where arranged marriages are common she might not find it too difficult to set this up, however it’s my understanding that usually when they are between couples where one lives in India that person tends to be the one who wants to move. I had a friend from Pakistan who told me that when she and her UK resident husband got married he was quite prepared to live there but she did not want to stay, and she knew a few people who had made the same choice.

Apparently Indians don’t like India very much.
Perhaps the potential husband and I can swap locations, he can come and live in my house. If I emigrate someone will need to feed the cats.
I can’t take them with me they might get curried.

I've made a note of the number.
As for said husband, I’ve made my list of requirements.
Good looking. Shouldn’t be a problem, I’ve seen some very handsome Indian men.
Not skinny. I like a fella to be a bit chunky, but NOT fat.
Younger then me. But not too young, I’m a wannabe cougar not a child molester.
He needs to be able to cook and clean. I’ll be far too busy laying on the beach and shopping in the markets.
There is another requirement, but I’ve said I’ll check that particular statistic out for myself.

However, there are a few potential problems with this plan.
I am too old for have no intention of having any more babies, but I get the impression Indians like big families although the husband will inherit a grown up step son. That'll have to do.
I’m a devout atheist with no intention of converting although I don’t mind wearing a sari, all those layers of floaty fabrics will hide the lumps and bumps accentuate my curves.
And I’m not exactly a virgin either.
Which I believe is a bit of a requirement for Asian brides.
Verging on the ridiculous maybe.

And then there is my long standing aversion to marriage to overcome. During my adult life three men have asked me to marry them and I turned them all down, for various reasons. The thought of having the same sex for the rest of my life wasn’t exactly appealing either.
Although right now any sex would be an improvement.
Maybe I can marry for lust.

Apparently my friend already has someone in mind, and informs me this person is a ‘man who can’, well what I was told was that he can get anything - as in if you want Viagra he knows where to get it.
That’s good - he may well be needing some of that.
It’s been a while.

I think her best bet is to wait until we’ve been there a while, I tan up quite dark and I have long very dark hair, she might just be able to pass me off as a native.
Well until I open my mouth anyway.
The only Indian words I know are Korma, Dhansak and Tikka Massala.

Actually lately I’ve been considering my current single status having read a few blogs written about peoples experiences with dating sites, and it has got me thinking that I might just give them another go myself. My previous attempts did not go well - I wrote about it ages ago ( if you want to see), but that was just after I got rid of the Worst Mistake I Ever Made so I wasn’t exactly in the best frame of mind at the time.

I actually like being single independent, one of the things I struggle with in relationships is the fact that you’re kind of supposed to consider another person whenever you want to make plans. I don’t really do much anymore, I like my free time to be just that. Free. But if I decide to go on holiday, have a girls night out or want to watch a sick film I don’t want to have to think about whether another person would like that too.
And then there’s all the other things having a boyfriend means you’re supposed to do.

No not that, I can never get enough quite like that, in fact that’s the only thing that makes me wish I wasn’t single.
I’m talking about the small print stuff . . . . shave your legs (and other things), change your sheets more then once a fortnight, don’t let your cats sleep on your bed, ignore the snoring, allow football on your TV. I could go on but I might think myself out of the idea.

No, these are not my legs.
My feet are much smaller.
Yeah, for independent read selfish. And hairy.

But anyway I might just redo my profile on a couple of the more respectable sites and see what happens.
If nothing else it might make for some interesting posts, and who knows some unlucky nice man out there might just want to take me on a date.
I could do with some cock male company.

One last fling before I marry my Indian betrothed can’t hurt can it.


  1. willy jerk-off11 July 2011 at 20:42

    dirtycowgirl, i desperately want to shove my knob up your bum.

  2. I don't think an Indian marriage is going to work for you. Wives are expected to cook for their husbands over there, and do it well (no pet food). Are there any universities near you? You could advertise for a lodger with free fucking lessons included.

  3. I don't see a problem with arranged marriage. I mean, how many Western marriages supposedly based on a loving relationship end in divorce? At least a more business-like approach such as arranged marriage is more practical minded. And no, I am not Indian.

  4. Who the fuck is willy jerk- off ?
    He made me LOL.

    @GB, I know - but it's not my plan is it? And yeah there is, and since the son left I have two spare rooms. Don't think I haven't considered that idea except I don't want someone I have to TEACH ffs.
    @Tony, That's very true. I know a few people whose marriages were arranged and they are all happy.

  5. If it's an arranged "sham" marriage, with mutual benefits... then that's ok.

    Actual arranged marriages are creepy, imo.

  6. what?!?! you're not a virgin?!?!?!

  7. Arranged marriages are probably the way to go, they encourage falling for a personality as opposed to lust, which seems to be an issue for the western world.

  8. one of my closest white ladyfriends just married an amazing indian man. i absolutely love them separately, and as a couple. some indian men are progressive and modern in the ways you mentioned. after all- people are people, no? and since so many people suck turds, this only increases when we look at the big picture of the proverbial "fish in the sea" bullshit.
    that being said, i agree that india needs a smidgeon of socio-economic updating, as well as a philosophical housecleaning.

    smash the caste system. it's fucking archaic and evil.
    dowries need to go the way of the dodo.
    and let's not forget that in some places in india, wives are still burned alive with their deceased husbands on the funeral pyre.
    nice, no?

    so, maybe an arranged marriage isn't the best idea... i'm sure you can find a hot smart-alec progressive indian man who cooks in the kitchen and bedroom, as well as likes fuzzy legs!!

  9. @FB. Well yeah, the whole things a joke really. Well unless we find an Indian millionaire . . and I'm not talking rupees. But I admit the custom does seem strange, although I daresay we have customs that appear odd to other nationalities too.
    @Andrea, sadly no.
    @Iron, but it's the lust I want.
    @Vi, As ever I agree with you, but I'd forgotten about the funeral thing. Might have to have a rethink, well not me - not my idea in the first place.

  10. I can see this is NOT turning out to be a joke, surreal as it may seem. I just hope you guys honestly know what you are getting into and what part of India this deed needs to take place. I have nothing against Indians, but it is such a huge country and however all Hindis, the culture is totally diversified one province to the next. I trust you know what you are getting into and hope things will pan out as planned. However if your intuit tells you there is something wrong, you need to have a Plan B and a Plan C. If you happen to be in Mumbai, you need Plan D, E, F and G. Of course unless you are marrying into a Mittal or an Ambani, then I will probably fly with you.
    Maybe, you can give Willy Jerk Off one hell of a life experience he will never forget, just sayin'. Whoever that fuckwad is.

  11. @PB, it IS a joke. Has become one of those recurrent themes as yeah, my friend would like to buy a house out there but obviously can't, but you of all people should know that there is only one man I would ever marry.

    If I can just get him to come back to the dark side:)

    And Willy is my new toy....

  12. willy jerk-off12 July 2011 at 13:47

    dirtycowgirl, if we were to meet up sometime would you really let me bugger you senseless ?.

  13. interesting post, keep it up

  14. Hell yeah, it is a surreal joke.

    Willy wonka beef jerky wants a threesome. He's been buggering my Blog too.

  15. i think this indian man should be able to walk on hot coals as well. i think you should demand this of any potential suitor!

  16. Oh I dare say if you wanted to you could have any man totally whipped:D

  17. @Magix, thanks - but I think willy's the one keeping it up...
    @PB, in his dreams - I wonder who he really is ? Too chicken to even show a profile. I'm betting he's a one eyed midget.
    @IHE, It's on the list !
    @Jamie, no doubt - and the midget's game.

  18. My friend got married in India earlier this year, to an Indian of course... but she had already been seeing him for a long time before they married. They're in love, so it's a bit different. However, the wedding was fucking awesome!!

    You should go ahead and do it. It'll be a blast, the music will make you want to dance, and the henna on the hands, arms & feet look fab!


Tell me something I don't know.
Comments are moderated so spam me and you're going in the bin.