default setting

Oh dear me Dave, looks like you're at it again.

First up I saw on the news that you are "renewing your vows" with. . . well I don't know his name. . .the lib dem fella with whom you are supposed to be having a political coalition. I guess the fact that I don't know his name says a lot about how high his profile is.

Not exactly sharing the limelight with him are you ?
But the press made it sound like you were entering into a civil partnership. So I gotta wonder about you now. . .
Especially as I also saw an article about a former girlfriend of yours who after giving up drink and drugs is now a nun. That musta been some bad sex you had to make her become an addict then choose a life a celibacy.

But the main reason I feel compelled to write to you yet again is another article that I saw posted on G+. Here you go again, trying to win us over with yet another stupid idea that you no doubt think the British public will approve of.
Apparently you are going to look into getting porn switched off from the UK Internet. This latest stroke of lunacy genius involves blocking all porn sites from our servers as the default setting, we would still be able to opt in but will need to specifically request it. Wonder how that's gonna work with the incognito window.

".....dear ISP I need some light relief, can you bring the lesbians back please..."

Obviously you are not a fan of pornography, otherwise you might've learnt enough about sex to not put that previous girlfriend off it for life, but let me tell you something.
Internet porn is not just watched by perverts and weirdos. Normal, healthy, happy, everyday, curious, rich, poor, young, old, male, female, couples, straight, gay, and every other variation of the human race watch it too.
And trust me when I tell you that if that idea were ever realised you would alienate A LOT of people. It's really not a vote winning plan. Porn is one of those things that some people will never admit to enjoying, but the industry would not be as huge as it is if it were just watched by a small minority, I think you need to consider that.
Actually don't. You might change your mind and decide to find a way to tax us for watching it.

And seriously, do you honestly think you can do that ?
Go against a world-wide million dollar industry and remove the thing that (lets be honest here) is one of the main reasons the Internet got so popular so quickly. Your name is Dave, not Big Brother, and whilst you might be ruining running this country you cannot control the Internet.
Or dictate what we watch on it.

The proposal came about as the result of an enquiry into online child protection, and because the abundance of Internet porn is having a harmful effect on children. Nobody would dispute that. I remember a documentary a while ago about kids watching porn which proved the point so well. The one lad that stuck in my mind had invited a young lady back to his house for some shenanigans, and was telling the presenter that he couldn't understand why she had objected when he tried to put his best friend in her rear end "because that's what they do in porn". And there must be a lot of young people who think that unless you look like a porn star - hairless, big fake tits or a huge cock, you're not going to get any and if you don't bend like a contortionist and keep it up for hours you're doing it wrong.
But what is really needed to stop that is parents to be fully aware of and monitor their children's online activities. Not government intervention, unless they are going to put some money in the pot for education.
Yeah fat chance.
Teenagers are always going to be curious about porn but if you educate them about sex and relationships the right way then they will see it for what it is.  You need to look at the root of the problem - not the symptom.

[I could say plenty more about this, and the fact that paedophiles use the Internet to groom children, but again that's about parenting, and it's nothing that people aren't already aware of. Banning porn will do nothing to stop that, I don't actually think that the Internet has increased child pornography at all. It has always been there, what the Internet did was enable the sick fucks who like it to share with others and build bigger networks. As awful as that is - and as someone who has worked with the victims I understand the effects and impact all too well - what it actually did was make their communications and networks visible. Nothing you do on a computer is ever truly erased, my opinion is that thanks to modern technology more of them have been caught - catch one with a computer and you catch all his contacts too - and that is a good thing].

Ban something and it just becomes all the more attractive.

And anyway Dave do you think that if you were successful it would stop anyone who wanted to from watching porn ?
Yeah right. Because nobody ever saw any before the Internet was invented did they.

I guess you never experienced the trauma of the VHS getting all chewed up in the machine and being unable to eject it before your flatmates came back. Or worried that your Mum had found your smutty magazines when you came home and saw that she had tidied your room for you.


I'm off, I need to download a few files. . .  just in case.


(You can read the article about the Internet HERE. And Daves Ex HERE)
Because I'm not making this shit up.
I don't need to, Dave is the gift that just keeps on giving.
Unless your poor, out of work or homeless.

Or single and horny.

not a post

No, really it's not.
I actually have three posts that I'm working on at the moment, but I've realised a few things over the last couple of weeks.

At the moment many of you are far too busy with that fucking stupid challenge to read everything that gets posted, and the rest of you are as fed up with missing posts as I am.

Week-end posts never get read as much as week day ones, even in normal circumstances.

When I write something and post it straight away I always have that fuck-I-should've-said-that-too moment if I read it back later. Like I should've added some witty retort to my last post about the Chinese bloggers : what if they had an equivalent to the A-Z, there's fucking hundreds of letters in their alphabet. Yeah, too late now.

I often have ideas for pieces of utter brilliance posts that never get written because I forget. I get home and I KNOW I had a great post planned, just can't remember about what.

So, the result of this great epiphany is that I am going to start making notes whenever I get an idea.
That'll be interesting in the shop/at the doctors.
"...and I have this rash on my. . . . hang on I just need to write something down"
I don't have a lot of time in the week, which often means I just write at the weekend. But when I think the great masterpieces  posts are finished I am going to wait a few days before publishing, just to be sure that I don't miss a chance to be rude and sarcastic entertaining.

But for now, instead of a post, I have wrote you all a letter.

Dear Flock,

You remember a while ago I managed to completely mess up my template so that none of the links worked, half of you couldn't post comments and if you were stupid enough to still be using Internet Explorer the page would not scroll ?

You would think I would've learnt my lesson.
I didn't.
Knowing a little HTML does not make me a programmer. But I like to fuck it up then have to revert back to the beginning every once in a while think so.

Actually what I like to do is get other gadgets from different sites and play around with them. It's how I learn - by doing - I could read books about it all the time, but I would never learn anything. I prefer to get stuck in. I'm the same with any technology, try and figure it out for myself and only consult the instruction manual when I have broke it I really need to.
Which might be why I still can't fast forward and rewind on the DVD player I've had for two years.
And I'm getting a new mobile this week.
Good job it'll be insured.

But anyway, I digress. As you can see I have added a new Twitter follow button and a button (which I really did make myself ) to enable anyone to send me abuse and naked pictures fan mail.
I have tried them and they seem to work, but of course I have access to the associated accounts, so I am hoping that a couple of you will try them out for me please ? You don't have to tweet or mail me, although you would if you loved me can if you like, just check the links.

Also, what's my page loading like ? Again it's fine for me, but I have superfast all-singing-all-dancing broadband and a sony vaio. I have uploaded the pictures for the gadgets to blogger so hopefully it's not too slow, but the new comment section uses externally hosted pics.
I've tested it on pingdom and it seems ok, but again that's using my computer so I would appreciate the feedback.

Thanks very much.
DCG :)X

PS. Be nice to see a few more of you on G+ too.

Update : No need for the buttons to be tested anymore, big thanks to all of you who did so for me. It seems I finally managed to get something to work without breaking something else.
Of course you can still use them to come on over and join me !

found it

Ever get the feeling you are being watched ?

As I'm sure I've said before, although I kind of have what some people might regard as spiritual beliefs I have never believed in God. The idea of some white haired kindly old fella sat on a cloud watching over us is just the stuff of fairy tales and myth to me. And if there was some all knowing omnipresence directing us from on high then considering the fucked up shit that happens in this world he (or she for that matter) can hardly be what you'd call benevolent.

But I have just looked at my feedjit and seen this :

Fucking hell. Someone from 'God' has looked at this blog.
I checked the stats and they came here direct too, no typing of "man fucks steak", "I need kinky sex in Goa" or "anal gadget" brought them here.
And yes, those are actual keywords from the last week.
Is there a name for people who have sex with food ? I don't want to know.
Maybe 'God' was checking up on the perverts of the world and figured LAWAFM was a good place to start. And if he or she looked at the search keywords I can understand why that mistake was made, but I am a little bit worried in case I am now going to hell.

Yeah, as if I wasn't headed there long before I even had the internet never mind a blog.
Ah well, in for a penny in for a pound. One of the things I brought back from India was some Viagra to sell, you can buy it for next to nothing over there but the tablets go for a fiver each in the UK. I'm not one to pass up the chance to make some easy money, and it's not actually illegal unlike the bag of weed I brought back from Jamaica so why the hell not.

A couple of years ago I belonged to an 'adult' dating site. That is, a dating site where people are actually upfront that they just want a shag, as opposed to 'proper' dating sites where they pretend they are single/fifteen years younger/looking for a long term relationship.
(One day I will write about the disasters experiences I had there).
There are a couple of guys I met there who I knew would buy some Viagra. I rejoined the site, found their profiles and left a message. You can't leave an email or phone number - the site filters them out, so I've been checking back every couple of days for their reply.
One of the guys got back to me in the week and said he would be online Friday night, in the 'live' chat you can give an email if you're creative..."sexy and. Horny. (all one word) Find me at the live one in UK"... so I log in to talk to him.
Which means I'm showing as online for ages, so I keep getting other fellas trying to chat.

Of course I'm gonna take a look at their profiles aren't I ?

And then I got a 'wink' from this. . . .

warning : do not scroll down if you are eating or of a weak disposition




*big enough gap to read the disclaimer before you see it*




ready ??

YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT ?
Bear in mind this is essentially a "find a fuck buddy" site, you would think a person would want to show themselves in the best physical way possible.
Maybe he thinks as we both obviously consider our tits to be our best feature we'll have something in common ? Nice tan you got around the neck there mate too, and no you aint gonna see mine.

Apparently his wife knows he's on the site as her "illness" means they can no longer have sex. More like she's sick of him trying to climb on top of her and his waistline is the real reason. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that it was her idea he join the fucking thing in the first place.
There was a message attached to the 'wink' that asked if I fancied a chat, I ignored it but then he messaged me again saying "I take it you don't want to chat".
Red.Rag.Bull.
"No, sorry, but I have a rule. Never talk to men with tits bigger then mine."

I might start visiting that site more often. I have a feeling there will be some glorious blog posts from it.

Or I could arrange to meet people and take one of these along with me on the dates.

That, my friends, is an ANTI-RAPE CONDOM.
I kid you not.
It is 'worn' in a vagina, and once penetrated can only be surgically removed, otherwise the spines inside it will rip the outside of your penis to shreds.
Someone sent me this picture, and I have to say it's quite possibly one of the most thought provoking things I've seen in a long time.
For a start, can you imagine living somewhere where the chances of getting raped are so high that you even need to consider wearing one ? Just doesn't bear thinking about does it. Such places do exist of course (it's things like this that only confirm my ideas about god) and apparently it was developed for use in Africa. I watched a documentary a while ago about Rwanda and what happened out there, but I'm sure in other parts of the world those things occur too.

But of course then my brain went off on it's own warped little tangent.
Going out ?
Keys. Check.
Purse. Check.
Mobile. Check.
Anti-rape condom. Check.

I know what I was like when I first got my can of Mace - (It's illegal in the UK, get caught with it and you will be charged with carrying an offensive weapon, so a mate brought it back from France) - I was walking down the road at night positively HOPING that someone would try and start trouble with me 'cos I was just dying to spray some fucker with it.
Keys. Check.
Anti-rape condom.Check.
VERY Short skirt. Check.
High heels. Check.
Slutty make-up.Check.
Enough vodka to make me look like an easy target. Check.
Yeah come on ! Rape me and see what you get you motherfucker !

And then there's that whole thing about a woman scorned. . . .
Found out your fellas been cheating ? Here's a way to make damn sure he never does it again. I know a thing or two about revenge and the lengths some women will go to. We've all got a bit of an inner psycho floating around inside us somewhere, now you can fully express that by letting it loose (no pun intended) in your vagina.

As my best mate is very fond of saying NEVER underestimate the power of the pussy.

And talking of animals I went to the shop with my friends six year old son yesterday ( I have been helping her sort out her house, as they are going away for a six month break to visit family abroad ) and there was a very friendly large dog tied up outside. He stopped to pet the dog for a bit.
So we are in the long slow moving queue in the shop and he says.
"I like that dog Cowgirl, I'd like to take it home with me"
"Well you can't, it belongs to someone, and anyway you're going away for a long time"
"I'll take it with me"
"How are you going to do that"
"I can pack it in my case"
"But it will bark"
"I'll do something to it to make it keep quiet...."
"But it will still wriggle"
"Then I'll tie it up so it can't move"
"Ok, so you're going to tie it up and gag it, stuff it in a suitcase and smuggle it. I think you will get caught and be in a lot of trouble with the police and the RSPCA".
He then got distracted by a display of chocolate for a bit, and was chatting to another little lad in the queue, which was still moving very slowly. Why do shops only have one cashier at the busiest times ? After a while he says,
"When we leave I'm gonna see that dog again and take it."
"I doubt it will still be there, we've been in here a very long time"
"I bet it is, in fact (he nods towards the man behind us in the queue) I bet it's that man's dog"
"Ask him"
"Excuse me, is that big black and white dog outside yours"
"Yeah (laughing) as a matter of fact it is"
At this he turns to me with a very self satisfied look that says I was right and you were wrong. But I had the last laugh because I explained to him that as the dog did indeed belong to the man behind us, that meant that he had heard all about the plan to steal his dog and stuff it in a suitcase.
Luckily the fella thought this was as hilarious as I did.

I think I might be back.

There were other reasons apart from the post holiday chill that occupied my thoughts.
Last Saturday we lost one of our much loved cats, and this week I have been composing possibly the most difficult post I have ever had to write.
It wasn't for this blog, but I think that I needed to get that done before I could return to normal service over here. You might remember the post I wrote ages ago about a blogger friend who was having a tough time, what I didn't say in that post was that she had a brain tumour.
I returned from India to the news that she had died, and the post I have been working on is the final one for her blog, as her sister very kindly asked me to write it, it's done now and I am very happy with the way it's turned out.
I feel like I needed to do that for her.
This blogging world we inhabit is like a separate little universe (although apparently 'god' still watches it), we form our own little communities around groups of blogs and forums, and one of mine was in mourning and tasked me with laying a blog to rest.
And as with those we lose in real life I guess you can't begin to move on until you've done that.

But yeah. . . .bring it on !!!

And now I have about a thousand blogs posts to catch up on reading.

broken ?

Something appears to be amiss with the whole following process.

I say this because of a few things.

For a while now I have noticed that some sheep followers do not show up in the gadget or the list on my dashboard, although they are included in the numbers. Some days I see them straight away, other times I need to refresh several times. And it's always just the latest.
It worries me as I would hate to have to hunt you down lose any of my flock, because even though I say I'm not that bothered if people stop following of course I will find you am really.

In the last month or so there have been a few times when someone left a comment saying they are following and they either never show in the gadget or it takes a few days.
Although again the number increases.

And no, I have established that this is not folk following via reader or subscription, the number showing as followers on the dashboard is ONLY people who follow through a blog/google account. If you follow another way the number will not increase. 

A few blogs that I have recently started stalking following myself are not showing up in my dashboard, either in the list or when they publish a new post. And I have tried adding them via google connect on the gadget and adding them manually from the dashboard.
Luckily they have feedburner so I've subscribed via email instead, but I would prefer to see them when I log in here.

I also stopped following some that were fucking boring had not posted for months, and yet they were still on my dashboard. One I removed  - after a few attempts - and a few days later it was showing there again.

Fucking annoying - all of it.
Mostly because I have missed a few posts and it's like missing an episode of a favourite TV show.
And if I see I have a new follower I want to know who they are so I can see if they are a sexy fella I can stalk go to their blog and say thanks and maybe follow back. How am I supposed to perv over their pictures and send them anonymous emails do that if  I can't even see who they are ?

All joking aside though, I kind of hoped the problems were due to introducing the new interface, when it was first rolled out the followers gadget was inclined to disappear every once in a while, but it always came back. However lately it feels like blogger is a bit broken.
If it was just the one thing I might be concerned that it was the feed for my blog that was acting up, but I'm not so sure.
Has anyone else had similar issues ?
Do my posts always show up ok in your dashboards ? Or wherever you get my updates from ?

I know it's easy enough to check for emails about new posts, or use Reader, but I kind of like having them all in the one place. It's less confusing for my mentalpause addled brain just easier to manage.

And yeah, it is 5.30am and yeah I should be sleeping but I am just TOO EXCITED TO SLEEP AS IN EXACTLY 48 HOURS THE CAR FOR THE AIRPORT WILL BE HERE !!!! And as today is my LAST DAY AT WORK I promised I would go in early so there is no point in even trying to sleep now.

So I thought I'd have a little bitch about this and see if it's affecting anyone else.

find a friend

One of things I like about the Internet is the way that what might be barriers in the real world when it comes to making friends are no longer there.

I'm not just talking about distance here, more about the limits of our social groups and surroundings and the places we go to actually be able to interact with different people. On the web there are no barriers, and the friends that I have made don't just come from all corners of the planet, but all walks of life and all ages.
And I do consider some of them to be real friends, even though we have never met. After all if someone asked you to describe what makes a good friend many of the attributes you would give them do not require them to be sat in the same room.

Sometimes it's actually easier to talk about the really important difficult stuff with a stranger, people who aren't directly involved in your life can sometimes be more objective about things.
The vast numbers of anonymous blogs about very personal subjects is testament to that.
But if someone knows the intimate details of your life, has discussed them with you and perhaps offered words of wisdom, or maybe shares similar experiences to the point where you feel some degree of empathy with each other are they really a stranger ?

If the dialogue, in whatever medium you are using, occurs over any length of time then surely there comes a point where that person is regarded as a friend.

There's a point to this, I want to tell you all a story.

Amongst the people that I have met online is a young (well a lot younger then me) woman, I'll call her Ria. We got chatting in a forum for a while before I read Ria's blog, but when I did there was something there about a personal tragedy that I related to.
Then life dealt her another really awful shitty blow. WAY below the belt.
And it was that, and the fact that it made me want to share some private stuff about me which I thought might be of some value in a difficult decision she needed to make, that prompted us to begin conversing privately away from the forum.

During this time we had the pleasure of Ria's ex boyfriends company in the forum for a while, since he came there and abused her for a bit when he found out about the latest piece of news.
A right cunt charmer if ever there was one.
Trust me when I say this - if she was my daughter I would've called the police because what he was saying was harassment. Actually scrap that, if Ria was my daughter I would've found the cunt and kicked his fucking head in. What I did do was contact the forum moderator and get him removed.

So a little time goes on and I get a comment on my blog FROM THE EX. Saying some very personal things about Ria, absolutely not his business to divulge. Fucker tried to make it sound as if he was doing this out of some misplaced concern, that he was worried about her, and as he 'knew' she and I were talking he was hoping I would help her.
WHAT THE FUCK ?
He even gave me her phone number.
I already had it - but he didn't know that. To him I was a stranger on the Internet, for all he knew I could've been a 60 year old pervert.
Around the same time Ria's best friend sent me an email, she wanted to let me know that Ria was ill, saying she had her phone as an explanation of how she got my address. I did find this a bit intrusive, but I figured she's young, worried about her best mate, and genuinely thought I would want to know - which of course I did, so I just thanked her.

I tell Ria about this. The issue for her then was how did her ex know all the stuff he was 'telling' me, and how did he know that we were friends. In the times that he had been in the forum there were lots of other people, nothing was exchanged there between Ria and I to suggest we chatted elsewhere.
Well guess what. He knew all this because her so called best friend was fucking him.
Nice.
Apparently they are 'in love'. . . like either of these two low lifes even know the meaning of the word. And she got my email by snooping on Ria's phone.

Even without all the crap Ria has had to deal with - and believe me at her age most people would just crumble under the weight - fucking your friends ex is still a betrayal of the worst kind. And it turned out that they were actually fucking each other when Ria and him were still together.
Why would you even want to ?
Especially when you, more then anyone else, know what a total cunt he was to her and what an utter loser he really is.

These two have continued to leave messages in my comment box here, and the slut of an ex friend has emailed me several times trying to convince me that Ria is messed up (I'd be surprised if she wasn't), and trying to turn me against her with yet more personal stuff.
Which I already know as like I say, she and I are friends.
I ignore it. I've no desire to enter into any dialogue with a fucked up slapper who clearly has no morals and no fucking idea of what constitutes a true friend.
It's really none of my business, but she made it so by mailing me.
And she really is the one who's fucked up.
In every sense of that expression.

What I've written here is a tiny bit of what has happened, but the worst is that this bitch altered the one long email conversation we had (after her pestering my inbox all night, I told her what I thought of her and her actions) so it reads as if I'm telling her that I don't want anything to do with her or Ria, then forwarded it to Ria.
I've seen it, Ria sent it on to me.
Actually I've kept all the various comments and emails both of them have left me, as it's getting annoying and another mate who's a legal advisor has suggested I could take action against them for harassment.

But just how sick do you have to be to not only do the dirty on your best friend in the worst way - the main result of which is that right when she needs you the most you're gone from her life - but to also try and ruin any other friendship she might have.

Even if it is just an online one.
As far as those two (the ex and the ex friend) go, I'd say good riddance to bad rubbish whatever their motivations are. Not that that's much comfort to Ria.

But when a real life friend whose known you all you life can sink to actions so low and disgusting perhaps online friendships are in fact a better kind.
Even those of us who 'hide' behind user names are probably being far more honest about who we really are underneath our online facades. There are lot of people out there who discuss things with strangers on the net that even their nearest and dearest have no clue about.

Strange to think that someone on the other side of the world might just know you better then the friends you see every day ?

It happens.

Part of my lottery winning fantasy involves hiring an entire resort somewhere hot and sunny and paying for all the various people I've met via the Internet to fly in and join me.

Whose coming ???

sorry. . .

I think I need to apologise to my non-British sheep.
It seems that none of you knew who the greasy greek was until I made a post about him yesterday, but then if I have to put up with his squashed hair lipped face all over my TV it's only fair that you should share my pain.
And at least now if he makes another attempt at international fame you are all forewarned.
To be honest I don't really have much to say, but I need to make another post just so I don't have to see his ugly mug every time I look at my blog.
Shot myself in the foot there didn't I.

So lets have a little light relief.

My computer is starting to run out of memory - again - so I've been going through some more pictures that I've saved on it - mostly stuff that I've collected off the web because it amused me, or for photo 'competitions' I've had with a mate on facebook.
Before it goes in the recycle bin I think I'll share some of them here.
These are from the "worst tattoo ever" competition, I have no idea who they belong too - most of the pictures I used at the time were lifted off of dating sites. Don't get me started on why the owners ever thought that these will appeal to the opposite sex, just trust me when I tell you that they are far from being the worst pictures I have seen on them.
And yes, I do have those other ones saved.
But you REALLY don't want to see them.

For the life of me I cannot understand what possessed people to pay money for these - maybe they didn't, but either way I think I'd be taking legal action.
I suppose you could show them to 14 year old boys to deter them from getting inked.
And I won the tattoo competition with the middle one.

My other favourite picture contest was the "animals doing things they shouldn't", in which my mate Steve and I tried to outdo each other with 'wrong' pics.
It was as a result of this that I got my first (of three. . can't think why) ban from facebook.
Enjoy. . . .

Steve won that contest though - he sent me the video of the chimp and the frog. Although I did find an article about a man who looked a bit like him and was caught fucking a goat.
If you really want to read it.

I love the Internet - you can find anything if you look hard enough.

Maybe not, but it's certainly full of useful advice.
Unlike a lot of politicians.

You can find the best fashion tips . . . .

Parenting advice. . . .

Gardening hints . . .

Unbefuckinglievable. Does anyone have a ladder I can borrow ?

Even the elderly are using it as platform to dish out pearls of wisdom. . . .

I don't think Grandad likes True Blood.

Right, I'm off to delete a few more.
This one is for a particular person, he knows who he is and they're watching you HP. The rest of you can just go ahhhhh. . . .

 Normal (ie swearing and complaining) service will no doubt be resumed soon.

goldfish brain

First of all I'd like to say a proper hello and welcome to all my new sheep. Over the last few weeks there has been quite a few of you - I really do appreciate you all coming here and clicking my button.

I tried searching google for "Cowgirl gif". . . they are either cute (not really fitting) or would require an adult content warning on this blog. So you get a flaming welcome instead.

This Cowgirl aint reversing nothing here.

But you do realise that madness can be contagious ?

Well not so much madness as what I call dippyness. . yes folks Calamity has struck again.

When I buy stuff online with my bank card I sometimes get this stupid "verified by Visa" screen pop-up.
As I imagine most people do I have a few passwords that I use for different things. I tend to associate a certain word with each of my emails - but anything to do with money, ebay, paypal, ebanking etc I give individual passwords to.
But that verified by Visa thing, can I remember the password ? Can I fuck.
Every time it appears I have to re- set it.

Next time I'm gonna try this.

Anyway this afternoon I was making a purchase.
You don't need to know what.
(Ok ok it was more shoes)
And once again I forgot the password. The last time I wrote it down, but I was at work and the book it was in at home so I had to set it again. Thinking I'm clever I decide to change it to " Remember this one".
Because I'm bound to remember that aren't I.

Good idea huh ?
Yeah, then the box loads and I get a message that says,
"You have already used this password please select another"

I keep wondering if eventually I'm gonna get banned from using my bank card online.
This might be a good thing, I've been looking at wallpaper for my bedroom this week. Son and I went to the DIY shop a couple of days ago and the only roll I liked was £55. Yeah fuck that, I only need two rolls so I decided to look online. So far the only one I've seen on a website that's really caught my eye was £120 per roll. For wallpaper. Fucking hell.
Have I got to buy my own rainforest first.
What's it made from ? Gold leafed ancient papyrus ?
It needs to be for that price.

However I did get what I went to the DIY shop for - check me out - I can now add plumbing to my impressive list of skills as I have installed a dishwasher.
And no, this is not a reference to the Son's return, I mean an actual Hotpoint - at least I don't have to bribe it with beer and food to get it to work.
Hanging the waste pipe out the window over the drain counts as plumbing right ?

Next week I'm putting in a new bathroom.

PS Ever seen a cat within a cat ?

what exactly were you hoping to see ?

. . . . or the post in which I whore my own blog.

How much attention do you pay to your stats ?

When I first started this blob I checked them every day -  it fascinated me that I could see where people were viewing it from, in fact it amazed me that anyone was reading it at all. It was for the same reason that I added the revolver map and Feedjit, but nowadays to be honest I really don't take that much notice.

Apart from 'Search Keywords'.

Constant source of hilarity that they are.
And often oddly pornographic . . . sometimes via Feedjit I can see which post their search led them too and it's usually not what they were expecting that's for sure.

One of my most popular posts is called "who wants to be a porn star" and I am forever seeing that listed on Feedjit. I'd love to see the faces of the pervs who look at it hoping for something entirely different to what they find.
"Jobs as a porn star"
"Home made porn films"
"Girlfriend fucking films"
"Everyone is making porn"
"Filmed me and my wife fucking"
"Porn made in Kenya"

Recently someone searched with "I want to fuck my neighbour" and was taken to love they neighbour, which is me moaning about the noisy bastards that live next door. And yeah it mentions that I can hear a lot of what goes on in their house, but as much I'd like to shoot their fucking noisy barking dogs I have no interest in fucking them . . . other then off.

I am also slightly concerned at the page views I get for my piss-taking facebook for the middle east post from Arabic countries, and last week it got one from Islamabad. If I disappear can someone please call in the SAS, but first check with MI5 that I haven't been hauled in for questioning.
And if that has happened by the time you read this can someone please start an Internet campaign to get me released.

Cowgirl is innocent. . . . sort of.
(Don't mention the shop lifting)

I have two posts that have marriage in the title and I often see that people have viewed these from India, one is a rather satirical post about my impending arranged marriage and the other has a bit of royal wedding bashing. I keep wondering if one of those people is going to make me an offer I can't refuse, but it's been a very long time since either post was commented on so I guess they weren't impressed.

Just before I went on holiday I read something in the help forums about Google Analytics and having looked at the site and what it does I added it to my blog. Totally forgot I'd done that until earlier this week when I saw the site saved in my favourites. It gives ALL the keywords, not just 10 as the stat page does and some of them are beyond strange.

autocunnilingus : scary godmother porn : furry bondage : mrs lube : rohypnol fuck : cat bitch slapper : make nipples longer : dog humping woman : girl in shopping cart : girl fucks gorilla : arse on fire : gay sailors : yeah nah you're a cunt : Mississippi handbag : smoking frogs : fuck the ducks : anti nazi shirt : bumps on my lip : hot and tight demotivational posters : do nuns finger themselves : naked paintball : pimples on my penis

I could go on - there are over 1000, as puzzling as it is how some of these have directed people here I'm even more concerned about what some of them were really looking for.
I'd recommend adding analytics just for the entertainment it provides.

And my all time favourite keyword . . .  "Dog shoulder diagrams"

If you can find a post that relates to that phrase in this blog then you are better then me because I have never figured that one out and I wrote the fucking thing.


And finally this weeks pick of the bunch from my super intelligent facebook friends.

Well go away and do it quietly then.
Ironically the person who posted this is one of the few women I know who makes me seem quiet.

I replied to this,
"Is she doing art? "
What I wanted to say was "shame you never went".

I'm still waiting for a response.

On a completely unrelated topic I have been to the cinema tonight. Went to see The Inbetweeners movie, this will only mean something to UK readers - but go and see it, funniest thing I've seen in ages.

another milestone

As this is my hundredth post I have decided to make it a worthwhile one.

Save our forests and you're saving more then just trees.

Actually let me rephrase that, seeing as everything I have to say is worthy, important, enlightening kind of interesting and will possibly change your life for the better.

This post is for a worthy cause, and it's gonna help to change the world. Well ok, that's an exaggeration but it is going to do something. And that is better then doing nothing.
And you lot get to look at pictures of cute animals.

Dear Readers,
My blob is going Carbon Neutral.
Yes, you heard that right.
Once I have submitted this post to the relevant site a tree will be planted in it's honour thereby making me a saint giving me big fat brownie points towards my carbon footprint on the planet.

Without trees there are no tree stumps and this cute panda 
would have nowhere to sleep.
Without sleep he might be in a bad mood and an angry 
panda is not so cute.
Plus he's going to be hungry - given the bamboo situation.
Won't be the trees in danger will it ?

Makes sense to me.
Another way to give something back and who knows maybe even help these.

Our closest relatives.
Not helping them is like letting your gran become homeless, and you can't put a gorilla in an old folks home. They need forests.
And I doubt they know how to play bingo.

What would happen to tree frogs if there were no trees ?
That's the worse case of red-eye I've ever seen, he's obviously been crying because his home is being destroyed.
Either that or he's been smoking some serious bud.

If the ice-caps melt where will polar bears live ?
I'd give him a home but the cats won't like it, and I think he'd be too hot - I like to have the heating on high in the winter.
And I believe they like water , my bath isn't that big.
Although he'd look like a fabulous rug if he slept on the lounge floor.

Without a forest where will they hunt ?
You wouldn't want to be responsible for these cute tiger cubs going without their dinner would you ?
One day they'll be big hungry tigers and they might not forget.

If you want to do your bit too, and make your blog environmentally sound then click here for the instructions.
All you have to do is write a post about it, which means you too can post some pictures of cute baby animals and everyone loves them.

This parrot will swear at you if you don't.
And I've taught him all the foul language I know.

Go on, you know you want to.
The cute baby animals will cry if you don't.

And you get to display a rather fabulous button on your blog so everyone knows what a caring selfless individual you are.


Here's a thought - trees are used to make paper and cardboard. If there are no more trees then where would homeless people live ?

Five star accommodation when you have no house.

And what are you going to wipe your arse with . . . . .

Best get planting.


Actually the tree planting programme is replacing trees destroyed by fire in the the Plumas National Forest in California at the moment, take a look the website if you like, it explains how it works. They have plans to continue the scheme elsewhere when the replanting there is finished.
I think it's a great idea.
If you do too then go and join. You also get your name and a link to your blog posted on the site :)