Wednesday, 30 November 2011

sick and tired


I have just spent four days laid up with a horrible stomach bug.
You know the kind, where you think you're about to fart, so you do. And realise just in time that it isn't a fart.
Fucking vile.
An entire weekend laid on my bed in agony and two days off work.
I hate that, makes me feel like I have let people down and that is not something I want to do.

And I am now seriously behind with the list of things-I-need-to-do-before-epic-holiday. I'm not that bothered about delivering the few xmas presents I have for people, Son won't mind doing that for me. Nor do I really care about packing too many clothes, it's going to be hot and we will be mostly on the beach so as long as I have packed all fifteen of my bikinis I'll be ok.

But I am worried that I won't have time to get my legs waxed.
If you hear reports on the news of the missing link being spotted on a beach in Goa you'll know the truth.

I've been feeling so ill I haven't even really turned the computer on, and as it's a laptop that takes very little effort, but when I did so just now it's like I have a hundred new posts to read on my followed blogs.
Fuck knows if I'll ever catch up on reading after a month away.
And my OCD tendencies will mean that I feel I have to.

However what I have managed to do is get the guest posts ready, you lot are in for a few treats while I'm gone. I have to say the people I asked all said pretty much the same thing - that they weren't happy with what they gave me.
Why is everyone their own worst critic ?
I think they're all great (there are three, one per week) so I really hope that after reading them you will all go and check out the respective authors blogs. You won't be disappointed.

I also recently started following Interwebs Fails, go and take a look, I'll wait. . .
Honestly I thought the people I had as 'friends' on facebook were a sad indictment of the human race, but some of the stuff he posts there makes me worry for our future.
If aliens are monitoring us they are probably tapping into the web, and looking at most of that they are probably thinking lets blow them the fuck up there is no intelligent life on earth. But some of the 'questions' posts I've seen there reminded me that I once joined a question forum so I went off to have a look.


That's not what I was taught, but I can see how it might happen. 

Don't confuse birth control with your creepy uncle.
(@IWF feel free if you want to use these, I'd be kinda honoured if you did :)

Regular readers know I buy far too many shoes on I'm a big fan of ebay, and one thing I regularly look out for is Uggs, I'm very good at spotting the fakes too.
But last week before the sick bug got me I saw these,

Look at the fucking state of them !
There's used and then there's knackered, worn out, filthy and with a hole in the side. Yes, it is a hole, there were other pictures that showed it better.
She was asking for a starting price of £50 for fuck sake. I've bought genuine brand new Uggs for not much more then that, so I had to go and read the description.

Oh wait, it's ok it's just a little bit.
That's a fucking full on landslide going on with those monstrosities.
If that's your idea of luxury love then I really don't want to see what you wear when you're slumming it.
If I got fifty quid for them I'd be throwing a fucking party.
The only thing they are fit for is the bin.
Anyway of course I had to go and look at the 'similar items'. After all - they couldn't be any worse.
Could they ?

And then the proverbial penny dropped.

This person is hoping that weirdo perverts are going to buy her old tat.
She even had a pair of knickers amongst her stuff, it said they were new 'to comply with ebay terms' but they didn't exactly look new to me.

Hmmmm. I have several pairs of tatty old knickers lurking in the bottom of a drawer . . . . 
Make me an offer.

Maybe she could use this for her advertising campaign.

I can't decide whether this guy is a genius or a bit of a cunt.

But anybody messes with my Bikini is gonna be in for a shock.
And not in a good way.
Never mind, these dogs made me laugh.


The second one reminds me of the time I bought my (then about 2yrs old) niece some felt tip pens and forgot to tell my sister I had put them in her bag when she left my house. The next morning my sister found her sat in front of the mirror having coloured her entire face, even her eyelids, green.
For days afterwards people kept asking my sister if her daughter was ok as she 'didn't look too well'. She was fine, she just had a greenish tinge to her complexion.

I'm off, I have a hundred blog posts to read and about a thousand texts, emails and calls to reply to.
Yeah. I wish I was that popular.

I also wish I was getting this for Christmas.

Well someones gotta rub the suntan lotion on the bits I can't reach.


  1. Hope you feel better (well, at least you'll feel great on vacation).
    I LOVE that bikini joke. I'd love to give that a go one day.
    By the way, your catastrophic O-Ring malfunction is known as a "shart."
    You're welcome.

  2. Sorry to hear about your illness dirty cow girl, let's hope you feel better soon. Enjoy that holiday as well, you deserve it! Great post as usual.

  3. You've got the shits before going on holiday to India? I don't like to mock the sick, but there is something funny about that. Who knows, it might make you immune when you get there!

  4. Wow what some people will sell on ebay!!
    I hope you feel better for your vacation!

  5. I hate when that happens to my stomach. D:

  6. That bikini strap prank is hilarious, even if he is being a jerk. Hope your stomach gets back to normal soon.

  7. Here I am, laughing at your expense, AGAIN!! Sorry to hear you've been unwell but, goddamn, you are funny when you're not feeling 100%! I hope you are fully recovered before you get to India and I really hope you don't get sick while you're there.

    I agree with everyone else about the bikini strap prank. Hilarious! :D

  8. Sorry to hear you're not feeling well :( Howver, I hope you make millions selling your used socks and bras etc..

    Always something to look on the bright side, right? ;)

    I hope you're feeling better soon.

  9. Sharting is never cool...especially if it happens when you're not at home!

    I had to chuckle at the sub-woofers! And the ad on the bus is just gross!

    Hope you are feeling better!

  10. I'm glad I'm not the only one with that huge OCD compulsion, but I think even I wouldn't go as far as to try to catch up an entire month (though I did manage to catch up a week with a system where I left it and read all the missed updates of a blog next time it updated). There are weird perverts who will buy used underwear and such from eBay, but I don't know if I'd be able to live with myself knowing that some creepy guy did that. I'd look at whatever I bought with the money and just be reminded of it. Oh and that guy who tied the bikinis together is both a genius and a cunt.

  11. I'm very sorry you were ill, but I'm laughing so hard at all the photos. If I find that guy, he's mine baby. He has my name on his arm because Lola is really spelled JANE. I wonder if I could sell some old undies with skid marks on ebay if I said they belonged to Cameron Diaz or somebody else famous. I love Interwebs - hilarious stuff. I hope he knows I'm in love with him. Maybe you could pass it on for me, kinda like we're in high school again; but you can still wear the bikini and I can't so I have to hate you a teeny, tiny bit.


  12. Also in bed with a stomach bug.

    Up till now, it has been nicely contained...and then I read your post and nearly had several mishaps regarding laughing out loud and almost not getting to the toilet on time. (especially at the bikini joke)

    Hope you feel better very soon.

    Would send you a virtual hug but of course, it's contagious...along with the Bubonic plague that I think I also may have.

  13. I hope you feel better! Reading this made my stomach rumble for you. On the plus side, though, you'll be ready for those 15 bikinis after a week of colon cleansing and dehydration!

  14. I love that last dog. Hope you are feeling better. Nothing worse than traveling when you feel like shit. Btw, if you get like 20 of these emails I'm sorry. I kept hitting the "post comment" and nothing was happening. Fucking phone.

  15. Nothing quite like shitting one's pants.

  16. I've never shopped on ebay; this post does not make me want to, either.

  17. Just so you know, I was all about to tell you all the things I thought were soooo funny in this post and how I was wishing you speedy good health.

    ...Until I scrolled down to the very end.

    And then all I thought was 'well, that bitch'.

    ...Fine. I thought 'that funny bitch'. ;D

    Hope you are doing better. Less leaky. More get up and go-y. Enjoy the hell out of your trip. I'll be looking forward to your return.

  18. Thanks for all the well wishes guys, and yes I do feel better, still not 100% but my arse has stopped exploding so that's progress. TMI ? Of course, it's me.
    The Bikini strap seems to have amused a lot of you, so I guess we'll call him a genuis.
    @GB, That's exactly what I was thinking.
    @Mark, That's actually a very good idea - I think I will do that, otherwise I'll need another holiday to catch up on blog posts.
    @Lola, NO ! that is Vin Diesel and my name IS Jane and he is MINE. You can have Interwebs, in fact now you as well as BBG (with whom I have a long running feud over him) appear to be in competiton with me I will be doing my utmost to pair you off with someone. . . anyone . . just to eliminate the rivalry.
    ps You should check out BBG's blog, I think you'd really like it :)
    @Lily, sorry - I will keep an ear out for auditions for Human Centipede 3, I think I know what our next career move might be. . .
    @ABFTS, I never even thought of that, but I hope you're right.
    @Jamie, There was just the one :)
    @BBG, FUCK OFF HE'S MINE AND YOU KNOW IT !!! Take a look and tell me whose name is tattooed on his arm. . . unless you as well as Lola are gonna try and tell me you have MY name. And are you a Pompey Girl ??? I think not. MINE. End of.

  19. You're too funny.
    On the bright side, maybe you "shet" a few pounds.....
    Have a wonderful vacation.

  20. Wet farts are the shits. I just thought of that and had to add it.


  21. HA! as soon as i scrolled down and saw the socks i knew that that woman with the uggs was up to. She is definitely hoping a foot fetishist is interested in her stinky, used, excessively worn shoes. Chances are if she's posted a profile somewhere advertising, people are buying them!

    thanks for the giggles DCG. i hope you are feeling better. i'll send your love to Summer.

    xo mina

  22. ok its following a fellow blogger once learned are sofa king there :)

  23. sounds like you felt better in time enough to go for your holiday :)

    good thing ...

    i would hate to see a great party girl like you not drinking poolside ...

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