Friday, 5 August 2011

the only time i ever got caught

After writing my last post about my bad habit special talent a friend asked me if I've ever gotten caught.

Yeah, just once.
And it wasn't even for anything that good.

I think I was about 18 at the time, I had been round one friends and gotten very very stoned and was then on my way to visit another friend which involved walking through the town centre.
Whilst being under attack from the raving munchies.

I decided to go into Woolworths and get myself something to eat.

A great British Institution. Sadly no longer in business. And that has nothing to do with me.

One of the golden rules of shoplifting was NEVER steal from Woolies. This was before every shop had CCTV, security tags, and electronic alarms on the doors (yeah, I'm that old) but it was well known that they always had store detectives. We called them Stordys for short, STDs for even shorter, because if you got caught by one it meant you were fucked.
And if they caught you in Woolies they would always prosecute so not worth the risk.
However this being not long before christmas as I walked into the shop I, and my munchies, were confronted by a huge display of those extra large boxes of chocolates that you see at that time of year. I don't remember how much they were, but it was a lot more then the cheese roll and packet of crisps I had intended to get so I decided to help myself by tucking one inside my coat.

I walked out of the shop and as I got out the door felt a hand on my shoulder.

Then two stordys marched me back into the shop and out the back to the managers office.
Shitting myself.

Think quick Cowgirl.

I have another talent. I can make myself cry.
And being stoned I already had red-eye.
Drama was one of the few subjects at school that I was any good at, and I had long since perfected the art of bare faced lying. I needed to, by this point I had left home but when you are a rebellious teenager of a very straight laced Mother you learn to lie pretty damn quick.

So I'm sat in the shop managers office with the stordys and the manager comes in.
I make myself start crying. Loudly.
The other thing is I have never looked my age. Great when you're 40 and everyone thinks you're 30 but when you're 18 and you look 14 not so good.
Until that day.
"So what have you got to say young lady ?"
"I just *sniff* wanted to get a present *SNIFF* for my Mum. She's brought up me *sob* and my four brothers (I have one sister) all on her *sob* own since my Dad left us *SOB*, she spends all her money *howl* on us and works so *HOWL* hard and I just wanted to get her something because * HOOOOOWWL* I just love her so much. And now *CRYING REALLY HARD* she's going to be so ashamed of me...."
"What's your name and how old are you ?"
"*Fake name *, I'm 14"

I'm much better at it then her. And I didn't need to wear glasses then.

He told me to go and wait outside his office with one of the stordys. I was still crying but I was running out of steam by this point.
I thought the manager was probably calling the police and I was actually wondering how far I'd get if I did a runner. The shop was pretty packed but the office was out the back, so I spent the time working out what my new date of birth was going to be and which friend I could call if I needed bail, obviously it needed to be one who could pass for my Mum, as I was now 14, and obviously I didn't want to offend anyone by admitting they looked old enough to be her.
I was also pretty fucking pissed off with myself too. By this point I was shoplifting on a regular basis and here I was, stoned and about to get arrested for a box of fucking chocolates.
And I had a bag of weed in my pocket.

After maybe 10 minutes - that felt like an hour - he called me back in.

And informed me that given the circumstances he was letting me go !
Not because he felt sorry for me, but because my Mum clearly had enough to deal with, and although I had done a stupid thing he understood the reasons why. He lectured me ( still managing the odd sniff but trying not to smile ) for about 20 minutes about how lucky I was and all the stress I could've cause my poor long suffering mother then said he hoped that I had learnt my lesson.
Yeah I had.
I never nicked anything from Woolies ever again.

As I went to leave he called me back.
"I don't know where you're going to say you got them from, but give these to your Mum, I think she deserves them too"
And gave me the chocolates.

It was a bigger box then this. And I ate them all.
Guilty chocolate tastes so much better.

I should've been an actress.


  1. Yes, you should have been an actress... or a spy. You were quick on your feet, girl. I wasn't caught, and funny enough, the only time I actually stole anything was at a Woolworth's! It was a bottle of charcoal gray nail polish.

    I was so nervous and freaked and paranoid, but i wasn't high. I was only about 15, and hadn't smoked yet. I never did it again because I didn't enjoy feeling scared like that. Instead, I was good, got my driver's license at 16, and then did even crazier stuff that probably should've killed me. Glad I survived. :-)

  2. bwwwwahahahahaha. you fucking ate the chocolates too!
    i got out of trouble the same way back when...
    this post is hillarious

  3. nice story, reminds me a little of one of my sins back in the days, when I stole once from Woolworths :D

    But you have to admit those store detectives are pretty invisble, I did not notice them, but could have been also because of my age, I was like 10 or 12 and stupid and ...^^

  4. Well FML! You got away with it? You're some lucky girl or otherwise, you should have been in the theatre career! hahahahaha

  5. OMFG, that is hilarious. I have a few friends who were shoplifters. Though never around me. Not because they are afraid of my disapproval, but because my black ass gets followed in stores:P And not in a good way.
    I have learned there are certain friends you NEVER mentioning wanting something from. They will take it for you.

  6. omg!!!! i love your evilness! i still feel guilty for my evilness of my youth.

    i need a dab of 'fuggetaboutit'

  7. Outrageous! That's the thing you girls can always resort to - turning on the taps! I tried it once. Never stopped South Yorkshire Police from locking me up overnight though. Sniff.

  8. LOL Quick thinking and a great actress. I was never that good. I always got caught as a teen.

  9. that is awesome. You should of stole two

  10. I'm glad that made you lot laugh, seems I'm not the only one who took a chance on Woolies as well.

    If anyone wants any DVDS . . . ?

  11. Daaaamn!

    Well, what do ya know... Gump was right. Life is like a box of chocolates. A big, theivin', lyin', free box of chocolates. VERY funny DCG!!


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