Sunday, 27 February 2011

sibling bribery

A couple of stories from when I was a kid.

I have one sister whose four years younger then me, and during school holidays we were left alone when our mum went to work from the time I was about 12.

We weren’t allowed in the garden, mum didn’t want the neighbours to realise we were home alone (as if they never heard the noise coming through the walls), but I liked to make ‘cars’ using a deadly clever combination of our scooters, bikes, wooden garden stools, wood, nails or whatever else could be found in dads shed - another no-go area.
Not that I was going in there - too many spiders.
I used to send the sister in and direct from the door.

Usually once the vehicle had been constructed she was my reluctant willing crash test dummy volunteer which involved sitting on the contraption at the top of the steep gently sloping path then being pushed. I wasn't really trying to kill her but I figured as the first born the parents had had me longer and would miss me more if the worst happened, so it was better for everyone that way. If she didn’t fall off and it was safe for me her job then was to ‘keep a look out’ while I played brands hatch round the garden.

Until the day mum got home early just as sister was half way down the path on a ‘test run’.
No-one would listen to my excuses even though I told them it wasn’t me that got the stuff out the shed.

Another time I decided to be a hairdresser and I made my sister offered to let me practise on her dolls. Bear in mind we’re 12 and 8, she’s more into dolls then me - and I proceeded to scalp restyle them all. For that I had to give her my Tiny Tears, by this point one of the few dolls I had left. I did try to protest about this, without success, but when we were on our own sister said,
“ she’s still yours really, we’ll just pretend she’s mine”.

Even at eight she was more mature then me.

If something got broke, which happened a lot, I’d bribe persuade her to take the blame with my secret stash of sweets that I’d nicked from the shop. And she kept quiet about that because I told her she’d get in as much trouble as me because she ate some.

But the day of the ‘great tea tray disaster’ pretty much put paid to that.
The tray was quite big, made of metal and fairly heavy.
Ideal for stair surfing.

Every cushion in the house was piled at the bottom of the stairs first. The stairs were the kind that have wooden posts all the way up. I’m not sure exactly how but the tray slid out from under me, hit the wooden posts and two of them broke - I tried glue, then I tried bribing the sister with just about everything I had to take the blame for me.

This time she wasn't playing though.
In the end I had to own up.

That was also the day I found out that the (now very bent) tray had a sentimental value too.

My favourite story happened when we were older.
By now I’m 17 and she’s 13.
And a willing accomplice.

Our gran was very ill, so mum and her sister were taking it in turns to stay with her. Mum from Monday until Friday when her sister, who lived away would come down. One week our auntie couldn’t make it so mum was staying until Monday. With a free house at the weekend we decided to do what any teenagers would.
Have a party.

Friday was the big day, two days to clear up after and the safest course of action was to get the ornaments off the shelves (our mum had a lot), put them in her room and lock the door.

So Friday afternoon we start to move them, but they're dusty so we had them all on the floor, a bowl of soapy water and we’re washing them ready to take upstairs when we hear a key in the door.
“Girls ! Surprise ! I’m home !!”

*Exchange of horrified panicked looks across bowl of mucky water*

She comes into the living room saying
“Auntie managed to get down after all……”
Then stops, looks at us and starts saying,
“Oh you girls, oh my….“ and the phone rings and she runs to answer it.
Me and my sister are mouthing “fuck fuck...” at each other, then we hear her........
Telling whoever was on the phone about her wonderful daughters who are spring cleaning the house for her……

Then we had a really fun evening.
Sat at the top of our road telling all the local teenagers carrying various alcoholic beverages that the party was cancelled.

I wrote this after reading a fellow bloggers story about him and his younger can read that here  its hilarious !!

Saturday, 26 February 2011

did he really say that ?

Well yes, if we're talking about Prince Philip he most certainly did.
The following are actual quotes.

"Still throwing spears?" (Question put to an Australian Aborigine during a visit in March 2002)

"If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" (in 1996, amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting)

"It looks as if it was put in by an Indian." (in 1999, referring to an old-fashioned fuse box in a factory near Edinburgh)

"You are a woman, aren't you?" (in 1984, in Kenya, to a native woman who had presented him with a small gift)

“The bastards murdered half my family” (When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union)

"You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly." (in 1993, to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary)

"Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" (in 1994, to an islander in the Cayman Islands)

“You look like you’re ready for bed!” (To the President of Nigeria, dressed in traditional robes)

"You managed not to get eaten, then?" (in 1998, to a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea)

"If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." (at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting)

"Brazilians live there" (On key problems facing Brazil)

"Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" (Sharing a joke with a blind, wheelchair-bound girl with a guide-dog)

"In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus, in order to contribute something to solve overpopulation."

"Ever been on a plane before? It was just like that"  (To the leader of Paraguay when asked how his flight was)

"Deaf? I'm not surprised with that bloody racket!" (To a class of deaf children sat next to a brass band)

"Do you have a licence for that?" (To a man in a motorized wheelchair)

“The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism, we could stop the congestion.”

"If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed." (To British students in China during Royal visit there in 1986.)

"How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" (Speaking to a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland)

Oh my fucking god.
And this man rascist idiot is married to the Queen of England.
No wonder I don't agree with the monarchy.

Friday, 25 February 2011

my future is secure

Sons been talking about changing his job for a better paid one.
I'm sat upstairs - he's downstairs killing zombies and shouting at people through his headset.

about 15 minutes ago - fyi it's 3 am here now

He comes running upstairs.....

" mum, mum only have a guess what, you just should be so proud of me "

Yes, this may not the best grammar but this is how he speaks, and when excited as he clearly was he's inclined to get a bit less coherent - still it's an improvement on the rest of the time when he tends to just grunt at me. Well unless there's a scrounge loan of a tenner involved.

" what ?"

"I've only gone and done it"

He's beaming, and I know he chats to real friends in blow - the - zombies - brains - out world.
I'm expecting at the very least he's got a date. But possibly this job he's been on about.

"What's happened ?"

"I'm actually now one of the top ranking players in the world at zombie call of black ops killers"

Well I don't rememeber what the fucking games called do I. But hey, good to know all them hours and hours sat up playing it until 5am weren't in vain.

"Oh great, and this is gonna help you get on in the world how....? "

"Uh huh...."

"How is this gonna help look after me in my old age.....?"


Back to the drawing board, actually I've been considering selling him adopting him out to Angelina, I don't think she's got a half Jamaican one yet.
Is 24 past the legal age ? He's not very tall, if I made him shave his beard off I reckon he'd pass for 16.

Thursday, 24 February 2011

and another thing....

Why DO men have nipples ?

I mean it’s a question that does get pondered on from time to time.

In terms of evolution you might wonder why the male nipple hasn’t become a thing of the past. It serves no apparent purpose, other then for those who’ve decided to stick a bit of metal through it.

And the few who enjoy having them played with the same way women do.
(As it goes I think that’s probably way more of them then actually let on….they probably just think it’s gay to admit it).

And yes I know that every foetus starts as female, but wouldn’t it make sense - given that evolution has got rid of other unnecessary physical attributes in a lot of species - that at the same time that Y chromosome is telling the cluster of cells to develop testicles it realised it didn’t need to make nipples ?

This is my Theory.
Mother Nature - being the wise old bird she is, decided men should keep them because she knew there would come a time when men would be staying at home with the babies while the women went out to work.
And breast is best.
Although given the fuss the average man can make over a cold I'd like to see one coping with cracked sore nipples and a baby with tooth.

Think I’m wrong ?

define normal

What is normal ?

It’s a question that gets asked a lot, and I think it's one of those things that's really open to individual interpretation and a matter of perspective.

My experience has been that the people who are regarded as being not normal are often the most interesting.
By that standard I’d say normal equals boring.

Some people would say you’re not normal if you’re gay, depressed, have a fetish, under 4ft, overweight, have a physical disability…the list goes on.

I’ve been told that I’m not a normal mum, mostly because of the relationship I have with my son. Which probably only differs from the ‘norm’ in that I have always encouraged him to talk to me about anything, and because I still like to go out and party and sometimes do that with him.
So would that make me normal if we lived in a house full of no-go areas for conversation and I stayed in knitting every night ?

A lot of my friends describe me as being crazy, I can’t see it myself, but I think that’s mostly about my refusal to grow old. Way I see it age is a state of mind, think young and you’ll be young and if you don’t wanna lose it then you gotta use it. Society in general seems to think that when you get to a certain age you have to behave a certain way, and if you don’t - well you’re not normal.
At least I‘m not boring.
Bored maybe.

I have been reading some blogs written by people that society as a whole would most likely say are not normal, and they are some of the most interesting things I have ever read.
And all of them have elements about the writers and their problems explained that I totally identify with, reading some of them I’ve been quite taken aback because it’s rung so true with how I’ve felt or behaved at times.

I’ve had a period of my life over the last couple of years where I’ve been kind of depressed, but even so I’ve still had moments of absolute highs - I’m quite sure that statement on it’s own might make some people think I’m bi-polar.

There have been training courses I’ve attended as part of my jobs regarding mental health and behavioural issues where I sat there and felt as if the trainer were talking about me.
One was for autism and we were all given a sheet of paper with a list of about 100 statements and had to tick all that applied to us. At the end we all totalled them up, when asked how many I had ticked the instructor said if I’d ticked just a few more she might’ve been worried about me.
Another course was about Attachment Theory - very interesting and something I ended up studying in depth because it’s highly relevant to children in the care system, where I worked - but also because I related to so much of it personally.

I’m a fairly productive, fully functioning, reasonably intelligent human.

But apparently, based upon the above, I have traits of Autism, Attachment Disorder, Bi-Polar, Schizophrenia, Anger Management Issues, Attention Deficit, Borderline Personality Disorder, Addictive Personality, Psychosis, Drug Addiction and a few fetishes that I can satisfy with my Sex Addiction.
Basically I’m screwed.

But then who the fuck wants to be normal anyway ?

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

fuck you zuckerberg

So last night I found out that facebook has a line.

And I finally crossed it.

"Account disabled"


I have appealed.
If it doesn't work I will make another account and start again. Most of the photos I had are saved elsewhere, the best videos are also on youtube, and I have a list of friends.
Said list will probably be roughly divided between people who will :

  • a) Assume I finally offended one person too many and have been unfairly removed for bad behaviour.
  • b) Guess I have been hospitalised or otherwise incapacitated possibly due to a revenge attack from one of the many quite possibly ginger people I have aggravated.
  • c) People who will cry breathe a quiet sigh of relief that I've gone.
  • d) A few that won't even notice (Bastards).

Actually I think I fell foul of the spambots due to a lot of posting on a group wall in a very short space of time, and since I wasn't actually spamming if that's so then I should be vindicated reinstated. I hope this is the case, there are many funny conversations and notes that I will be sad to lose, but it's not the end of the world.

As I'm very fond of telling people who get way too stressed about comments and posts it's only fucking facebook.

On the positive this has meant that I have spent the best part of the day in Bloggers Coffee Shop being highly entertained, the pinacle of my day being joining a cult.....

Retch, Mass, PsychoBasher, Loads and Scrappy you in particular have made me laugh as much, if not more then facebook today, and I've even had my daily dose of filth, so thank you all very much.
Top Bird

yeah up yours zuckerberg...what ever kind of a name is that anyway ??

Monday, 21 February 2011

dangerous liaisons

I really can’t believe the stupid bury-my-head-in-the-sand attitude of this.

Was chatting to a male friend last night, the guys a bit of a tart but he’s quite upfront about it (well to me anyway), but we’ve often had these story swapping conversations. We make each other laugh and I can talk about anything with him. He’s a good looking fella, I’d be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind - but I like having him as a mate so anything else was never really on the agenda.
Just as well.

So I’m telling him about this funny conversation I’d had wherein I was saying I was a cunt and he says I may well be, but he thinks he’s risen in the arsehole stakes because he has arranged FOUR dates (and in his world that means coming round his house for sex) for this week.
He also said that they all thought they were the ’only’ one.
This is a 39 year old father of two by the way, not an 18 year old boy.
Ever the joker I replied that I was a bit skint so did he want to buy a box of condoms off me.
He said “ I never use them, I get checked regularly, I’ve had the snip and I’m fussy who I sleep with”.
Four women you met on a facebook app in a week ?….yeah you’re really fussy.

What the fuck ???

What’s up with these people ???

The reply I gave was more of a lecture.
Was he was going to get checked after each one ?
Did he not realise that most STI’s take a while to show on tests, in the case of HIV at least three months ?
Did he not know that some people, especially women, will often show no symptoms of some STI’s ?
Was he aware that the herpes virus can lie dormant for years, that people can be carriers who have the virus without knowing, and pass it on without ever developing the infection themselves ?
Was he aware that HIV infection is still on the increase, especially amongst heterosexual people ?

Because of the work I’ve done with teenagers I’ve undergone training to deliver safe sex workshops - so I was quoting facts and figures at him.

I finished the lecture by pointing out to him that if these women are prepared to fuck him without a condom then it’s very likely that they let other men do so too, or did he think that he was the ‘only’ one.
“Are you that stupid that you don’t think women lie too ?”

Apart from this confirming to me (what I already knew) that the current trend for ‘no strings’ sex is not for me, it’s such a fine example of stupidity and naivety that I’m still pretty fucking dumbstruck.
Especially from someone who has been ’playing the field’ for a good few years since his marriage ended. There have been a few times that I’ve been with men who have tried to tell me that we don’t need to use a condom because they “don’t have anything”.
Personally I value my life and health too much to take a chance and I’m not stupid enough to fall for ridiculous lines. Yeah I get that it might lessen sensitivity - but that’s just gonna make it last a bit longer.
Not a problem for me.

But in this day and age, when we’re all supposed to be a bit more educated and enlightened why would you NOT want to protect yourself ?

Given the number of websites dedicated to swingers, no strings meetings and married people wanting a bit on the side I have no doubt that the levels of promiscuity are on the rise. I suspect that there were a lot of people who previously would’ve indulged in these activities but had no opportunity to do so due to the inability to find like minded people. Now all they have to do is get a computer and there they are, just a click away from a world of debauchery.
I’m thinking that it’s not a very safe world though.

Whilst HIV is a terrible thing I think one really positive effect to come from it was the way society wised up to the need for open discussion about sexual behaviour and educating teenagers the right way.
That is, recognising that we cant stop them from having sex but we should be telling them how to keep safe.
I think we’re way passed the point when HIV was considered a gay problem, in the beginning yes it was mostly affecting gay men - probably due to the nature of their sexual practises and high levels of promiscuity. But they wised up and learnt, sadly not before many of them had died.
And there are still some parts of the world where HIV transmission rates are very high.

Do we have to see epidemic proportions of straight people dying or becoming infertile due to chlamydia and gonorrhoea before the hetero world really gets the message ?
Wise up and rubber up people, even the most amazing sex is not worth dying for.

I want to add an update to this, and I will be also saying this to my mate...surely if he gets checked regularly, as he says he does, then he must be aware that there are risks ?
The guys a builder, I've seen work pics of him in which he's wearing a hard hat, to minimise risks to his personal safety.
Spot the irony ?

Friday, 18 February 2011

things are looking up

Funny how karma can throw the right thing your way just when you really need it.

I’ve not written any personal stuff about me here, as I didn’t want this to be a day by day account of my pretty boring life. But yesterday was quite exciting in Cowgirls world….

First a little background…
Just over two years ago something happened that was truly awful, and this event was followed by a year in which three other, not as bad but still quite traumatic, things occurred in my life. Without the first I probably would not have been quite as affected by the others, but the end result of all this took a year to really to catch up with me, and just as I was beginning to feel low anyway my then boss decided to pile the pressure on at work.
At this time I was about to buy a house but decided instead to leave my job, live off my savings and have some ‘time out’ to put my head back together and recover.
I gave myself six months.

Fourteen months later.
The savings are getting low, and I feel guilty that I’m still living in a rented house because buying a property was more about my sons future then mine. I have no doubt that I’ve been depressed, but then I think considering all that happened that’s quite understandable and a pretty normal reaction.
Lately I feel much better within myself, but with that came the realisation that I’m now stuck in a rut.
My jobs have always involved working with teenagers, which I’ve loved, but right now I don’t think I can go back to work that involves listening to other peoples problems because I’m very aware that my own issues are still weighing heavily.
I think it’s important to recognise that.

I’ve been looking at other options, but shop/office work would bore me silly, and use none of the skills I’ve learnt through my previous jobs.

Yesterday I caught up with an old friend - someone I haven’t seen for a couple of years, but one of those people where that doesn’t matter.
Turns out she had an ulterior motive for seeing me.
Her husband suffered a heart attack around the time I had last seen her - he is physically now fine, but has been left with a brain injury which means he has poor memory, mood swings and other issues to deal with.
I suppose the best way to describe it is he’s gone a little bit mad.
As my friend has a busy life she has asked me if I would like a job as a carer/companion for him. This is just about exactly what I need, I get to work with someone I like in a family setting, I can have some flexibility within the job, it satisfies my ‘caring’ side without being emotionally draining, and for the most part it’s just about keeping an eye out - for instance checking that he doesn’t leave a pan on the cooker and forget about it - she has also asked that I accompany him for days out.

As an added bonus the family are regular visitors to India - they go at least twice a year, and she said that part of the role will be to go with them if I want ( !!!! ) and that if I do I will get paid whilst there.
Dream job ? Much.

Anyway as yesterday I went to her house, which is always busy - next week she is coming to mine to discuss in more detail but I think she was as pleased that I said yes as I was to say it. I don’t think she wanted to give the job to someone her husband, who has poor recollection of people, didn’t know.
Funny she didn’t think he would recognise me as it’s been so long since I’ve seen them but as soon as I opened my mouth he said “ oh yeah, how could I forget you “.

Then the day got better still.

I get home and my landlord knocks my door as he was passing and wanted to check that my bay window roof (which had been leaking) had been fixed. He knew that I was planning to buy as we had arranged that if I moved out a friend of mine was going to move in. He also knows all about why that never happened, I’ve lived here for 11 years so he’s kind of a friend too, and he asked me if I’d found a job yet as I told him a while ago I was going to start looking, so of course I tell him about the events of the day.

Then he said that once I was working if I wanted him too he could help me sort out a mortgage despite my now depleted funds, and suggested that rather then find another house why don’t I just buy this one off him. Fucking result !!. I like this house, its just an average terrace but in the nicest part of town, and it is my home.

Things are looking up alright.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

shrinking planet

I’m still amazed by the internet.

This fact has occurred to me again since the addition of the globe visitors map I put on my page. Each of those little dots represents someone who has stopped by to read some, if not all, of what is written here. I find that pretty incredible, without the internet that would never happen, how could it ?
But thanks to the world wide web there are people in what to me are far flung corners of the globe who know something about me and are aware of my existence.
I don’t know why I like that thought quite so much, but I do, and I appreciate the time they have spent here. The world certainly is getting smaller every day.

The thing I really love about the internet is the idea that you’re never truly alone. As I’m writing this it’s 5pm on a Sunday, I’m sat on my bed with a coffee and my laptop and in between writing I’m conversing with a few friends on facebook, my msn is on and there’s a couple of people popping in and out of chat there. Apart from one person I don't see any of them very often - yet cyberspace enables me to regularly keep in touch. I’m also an insomniac and I really appreciate the fact that if I can’t sleep there is always someone to talk to.

I have friends that I have made online from all over the world, I know some people might say that someone you’ve never met and are not likely to is not a real friend but I’m inclined to disagree with them, there have been times when I’ve told these relative strangers things that I might not share so easily with real world friends.

If you’re that extra bit removed from someone’s life it can make it easier to be non-judgemental, and sometimes a different persons outlook and perspective on problems is all you need to see things differently yourself. And it’s fascinating just to hear how different peoples lives are elsewhere on the planet from them rather then watching it on tv.

In some ways I think the internet is a great equalizer. It doesn’t just remove geographical barriers, the differences between our social standing, economic status, age, race and sexuality that separate us in our communities and daily lives become irrelevant. I am the sort of person who will talk to anyone, but without the web my circumstances and surroundings limit that.

And as for internet shopping......I’m beyond impressed that I can go to at 4am, pick what I want and the next day it’s delivered.
I actually did all my Christmas shopping online last year too, I may be the exception where females are concerned but I HATE shopping at the best of times, never mind when there is all the extra hassle and short tempered customers in December, but thanks to my Vaio I avoided it all.
Actually I do think it’s quite true that you can get anything you want online, all you need do is enter the right keyword and google will find it for you, and that's preferable to negotiating shops and crowds to me.

There have been times when I’ve been pondering some bizarre question or other, or been involved in a discussion and wanted facts to back up what I’m saying, and it’s all there just for the looking.
Of course whilst you can filter out adult content and spam, and scan for Trojans and spyware, I’ve yet to see a bullshit filter so it does pay to exercise caution over some of what you might find.

I suppose it’s my age showing really, younger people who have grown up with the technology are so used to it always being there they take it for granted. But I can remember when a long distance phone call, to my cousin who lived in the North of England, was an expensive novelty that I was only allowed a couple of times a year.
As a child we didn’t even have a telephone in our house, in fact we only got one after my parents split because my mum then thought it might be wise to have ‘in case of emergencies’ as she was the only adult in the house.

I remember, I think I was 17 at the time, a friend telling me that her parents were going to get a video, which meant that you could watch cinema films on your tv, and us both being totally amazed that this was even possible.
When this wonderful machine arrived it was the size of slab of concrete and weighed about the same, but we were mesmerised by it, and spent hours being more impressed by the fact that we were watching movies at home then the content of them.
That is until the day Ellie found the one featured in the above illustration in her parents room, we were highly amused by that.

As a child I loved Star Trek, still do really (apart from Voyager...just sayin'), and my favourite thing was the ‘communicators’, at the time it seemed so far fetched yet nowadays everyone’s got a mobile phone, which is the same principle to my mind - no matter where you are you can be spoken to, well unless there’s a poor signal.
But even Spock and Kirk would occasionally have difficulties communicating because of some inter-stellar interference. I hope it’s just a matter of time before I can transport myself off to some tropical beach in a few seconds and I’m planning to clear out the spare bedroom ready to install a holodeck.

I once watched an episode of the twilight zone where a man from the past time travelled to the present and was scared to see aeroplanes in the sky. 
I can only imagine where technology will take us 100 years from now - space travel I guess, and I’m only sad that I’m not going to be around to see it.

Beam me up Scotty.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

hello boys

This post is in response to

Oh how this article made me laugh….
Is this another benefit of the age of equality ?

I noticed that the models used in the advertising are all buff young things that in reality have no need of the product, just like the wonderbra is always advertised by a woman with a pert firm bosom, anti-ageing creams by 20 yr olds and ‘Bridget Jones’ knickers by women with toned bellys and a bum that’s not heading south. Show me a before and after using a mother of four (breast fed) babies with some extra padding and a middle aged spread transformed into Elle McPherson and I’ll be impressed.

What these adverts aren’t telling you is that putting on some item that’s going to squeeze you tight around the middle doesn’t get rid of the flab…it just moves it elsewhere. Yes you might suddenly have a flatter smoother middle, but you will end up with love handles in your armpits and saddle bags by your knees…the spillage has to go somewhere. Women know these things.

Whilst it may be true that some people see it as an alternative to losing weight, I can also see that some might actually look at their tummy in their wonder-vest and be inspired to get to the gym and make it real. After all summers coming and you’d look like a right twat wearing one on the beach. It might be a quick-fix but it’s a lot less drastic then surgery, not to mention cheaper.
The (saggy) bottom line here is people feel good if they think they look good, and there’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a confidence boost. And confident self-assured people can stand out in a crowd just as much as beautiful people.
Everyone likes to look good after all.

But is it really conning anyone ? I guess it depends why you’re wearing them. Personally, I’m fairly slightly overweight underheight, and my size doesn’t bother me, but I don’t own a bra that isn’t underwired and I have got some ‘slimming’ knickers for special occasions, but it’s really about looking good in certain clothes and feeling better for myself. I know when I get home and take them off what I’m going to be confronted with. And believe me that feeling when you undo your bra and peel off the torture pants is pure release. I don’t use them to fool the opposite sex, actually I think if someone likes you enough to want to get naked then it really shouldn’t matter. I’m a short size 14 with E cup boobs, no amount of scaffolding and insulation will ever make me look like I’m a size 8, and I happen to think that most men prefer a curvy woman to a stick. Yeah…ok…I would say that, but my male friends don’t disagree…and not just because they’re scared I’m likely to punch them.

I remember watching an Eddie Murphy stand up show many years ago where he was talking about how women fool men, wearing high heels, tons of make-up, a padded bra and a weave in their hair, perhaps this is the mans revenge ?

But, having read Mr Musings article I did wonder how I would feel if I found myself in the situation he described…about to get naked with someone and they then turn out to be not quite what the packaging promised ? Hmmm, well for a start they’ll be getting an even bigger shock when I remove the wrapping, but really - and what I think people need to realise - is they don’t make you lose weight, you just look a bit more toned, it’s not as if Tupac is gonna take his clothes off and suddenly you’re about to get jiggy with Biggy, and as I’ve already said, if your in that situation it shouldn’t really matter, although of course I do realise that there are people to whom it would. Personally I’d be more disappointed if it turned out he was wearing padded boxers. I reckon there’s a whole undiscovered marketing opportunity there.
That’s the real wonder bra revenge.

Mr Musing welcomes responses to all his posts….if you would like to reply to any of them please leave a comment under the relevant article for him.

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

who could refuse ?

Sometimes when I’m bored and the in the company of my mate insomnia I use a social application on facebook, I like the random chats, opportunities to abuse, and there's a few fairly nice people that I talk to. As with a lot of sites there are allsorts there, most just want to pass time and have a giggle, but some are after no strings sex and others want a relationship. And of course I'm well aware that not everyone may be quite what they seem.
I’m happy being single, I’m not interested in ‘adult dating’ - honestly, tried that, wasn’t for me. Although I do intend to write about my experiences with it…that’ll be a laugh for sure.
I digress, as I say I’m alright as I am but you could say I live in hope.

So early last Friday morning I’m using this app and I get a message from a fella, just general chat for a bit then he asks me whereabouts in “our” city I am. So he’s local. Says he’s read my profile (which is really just me ranting about the wankers and serial shaggers that use the site) and he thinks I’m a funny girl.
Hmmm . . . hardly a girl.
We chat a bit longer, except now he starts ending messages with kisses and calling me sexy, 
“so tell me sexy have you always lived here then”
“what do you do for a living then sexy”
Hmmmm . . .

This irritates me, he doesn’t know me, he’s seen a couple of carefully chosen, shopped, realistic pictures but flattery is NOT gonna work on me, I’m far too cynical and especially online - but by now I’ve been chatting to this guy all morning on and off, he looks ok in his pictures so I decide to overlook the cheesy chat up and play along for bit.
Then he says,
“Dare I ask sexy have you ever met anyone off here”

So I point out, quite bluntly, that had he read my profile as he claimed to he would know that I was not using the site as a means of getting laid, and that one of the things I don’t like is the number of fellas who are.
He sounded a bit offended that I would even think that’s what he meant (well he would, wouldn‘t he) but benefit of the doubt, and we chat a bit more. Then he says,
“So tell me then sexy what are you doing tonight, have you got any plans?”
“Not sure yet, probably go and meet some friends”
No way was I ever intending to meet him, I feel I should make that clear, the minute he irritated me with the overused sexy he'd blown his chances really, but at this point I’m curious as to what exactly was on offer so I play along some more . . . .
“Is that anything definite, only I was wondering if maybe you’d like to meet up, maybe have a coffee and watch a film?”
So now I’m thinking, is he teetotal or something ? Most men would say a drink and the cinema, so I ask him,
“Why not a pub for a proper drink ?, it’s Friday night after all “
“Oh I can’t go out I gotta go to work, I’m a security guard at the scrap yard and I thought maybe you could come and keep me company”

The fucking scrap yard !!! 
Serious !!! 
This is the first offer of a ‘date’ I’ve had in about three months and it’s a HUT, in a SCRAP YARD drinking coffee and watching a film on what I don’t imagine would be a large HD plasma.
Talk about show a girl a good time. Not.

Fuck. Right. Off.

So anyway he’s blocked, fucking cheeky cunt. And yes I do find this very funny - in an ironic fuck my life kinda way.
Which is why I’m writing about it.
Unreal. But needs to be shared.
And thinking about it he’s gotta be married, cos any normal single man would want to wait until he had a night off and go out somewhere.
Who in their right mind would go and meet a fella for the first time in a place that’s a bit out of the way with no-one else around ?
And only a man who had no other option for meeting women would ask one to do so.

Unless he was a serial killer . . . . . . . .

Sunday, 6 February 2011

indelible ink

Were anyone to ask me, as a generalisation I like tattoos. I think its art.
When it's done well.
I happen to have a few myself. And I do have a bit of a ‘thing’ for tattooed men.

I never set out to have as many as I’ve ended up with, but they are quite addictive and I’m perhaps a bit weird in that I actually like getting them done. 
Nowadays I don’t think anyone really bats an eyelid however many you have - or that women get just as many as men, and they have become a fashion statement for some people
This concerns me.
In the name of rebellion as a teenager I made my fashion statements by turning my hair into something that resembled, in no particular order, a parrot, a pink poodle, ziggy stardust, spaghetti, an argument with 240volts, candyfloss, old ropes and straw…well I didn’t achieve the straw effect deliberately but the other looks took their toll.

me aged 17

Of course this grew out and grew back and there were no lasting effects.
Imagine if any of them had been as permanent as the huge and very visible tattoos I see 17yr olds with today ? Heaven forbid ! I’d be a middle aged rainbow ziggy and probably unemployable if not the laughing stock at the local supermarket.

As it happens I’d first decided I wanted a tattoo when I was about 13 after watching a film about a woman who had a black rose on her shoulder. The look of utter disgust on my mothers face when I announced my intention said it all and I was told,
“Not while you’re living under this roof”.
My dad had been in the navy and has a few he got whilst abroad, he told me after I got my first ( I was 29 at the time) that he had intended to have more but was told he’d be divorced if he did. Although I protested at the time I’m very glad about Mums opinion, becuase if I had got one at that age it would no doubt be something I’d hate now.
I’ve always said to the kids I worked with, and my own son, that if you must have one when you’re young have something small that could be covered over or removed without too much bother, and don’t have it anywhere highly visible because tastes change and you might not want it in 10 years time.
As it happens one or two of them took my advice, I think they listened as much as anything because having had some myself they respected my opinions more then someone saying you shouldn’t get one because I don’t like them.

I’ve got one on the back of my right shoulder and one summers day a few years ago I was sat at a bus stop and got chatting to a little old lady. Just about how lovely the weather was and her pet dog, but all the time we were talking she kept looking at my shoulder. Eventually she asked me if she could look at it properly, its worked around my shoulder blade so if your on my left you cant really see it, so I turned round. As she’s looking she said she thought it was beautiful.........
“Although of course in my day only sailors and prostitutes had them”
Most of mine are in places where they can be hidden if need be, not that I’m ashamed of them, but I got them for me, and apart from a tiny one on my wrist they all mean something - there’s a story to each of them. I've heard a few people who've said that they’re going to get some ink, and when asked about it they knew where on their body they wanted it and how big but ask them exactly what tattoo...
“Oh I don’t know I’ll have a look in the design book when I get there”
Fucking hell ! This is going to be on your body FOREVER and your gonna give it as much thought as if you were buying a new top ?
Not to mention the fact that if you do that there’s every chance 37 other people have that very same tattoo, surely you’d want something unique? Any good tattooist would be more then happy to design something original - although for them to do that you need to give them an idea to work with, these people clearly have no idea.

Which brings me to my real pet hate…tribal tattoos.
A zebra
The tattooists I’ve spoken to about them say that they are really boring to do, especially the solid black ones - do the outline and then its just hours of colouring in, a five year old with a steady hand could do it. And the people that get them need put little or no real thought or imagination into the design...
“Yeah mate, just give me loads of big thick black squiggly lines all over me arms cos fellas will think I’m hard and all the birds are bound to wanna shag me”
No. I don’t think so.
You’re just starting to look like a fucking zebra.

Some tribal tattoos
I have seen a few exceptions to this where they do look nice, but it’s generally where the artist has worked the curves and swirls around muscle contours. Of course these may look fabulous when the canvas they’re drawn on is 23 and can spend two hours a day perfecting those muscles in the gym. But what’s that gonna look like when he’s fifty and the only exercise he gets is mowing the lawn and any spare time is spent in the pub ?
“And this is a diagram of where my abs use to be”

I have one tattooist friend who now refuses to do anymore of them, he’s an amazing artist and he said it’s like asking Michelangelo to draw a picture of a box.
And seriously, if you’ve seen one you’ve pretty much seen them all, and if you get one you’re stuck with it forever because they’re gonna be impossible to cover over and laser removal of that would cost a fortune and leave a nasty scar.

Actually I think I prefer Tasmanian devils and football badges, and I’m not even gonna bother writing my opinions of them, otherwise this post could turn into a small novel.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

who wants to be a porn star ?

Hands up ! Who's let someone take a ‘naughty’ picture of them, or maybe took one of themselves, or even made some home porn ?

Everyone’s doing it , aren’t they ?

Given that nowadays even the most basic phone can film videos, I reckon most people have at least thought about it. And probably if they haven’t it’s only because they’ve been unable to persuade the wife/ husband/ partner/ dog to let them.

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m well aware that a lot of people would be pretty shocked or horrified if someone even suggested it. But considering the number of websites that now exist where you can upload your bedroom athletics, (or so I’m told, not that I’ve looked you understand) it makes perfect sense to me that there’s a fuckload (pardon the pun) of people who are very happy for the world to see what goes on behind closed doors…or in full view.

But that’s the concern isn’t it, what if you don’t want the world to see it ? If you let someone else have possession, unless you really know them can you be entirely sure they can be trusted ? Any information is so easily shared over the internet, and there’s a million places it could end up. Your pale spotty fat arse could end up being enjoyed (again, pardon the pun) by thousands and you’d be none the wiser.

Ignorance is supposed to be bliss, but under those circumstances - I’m not so sure.
But then again if that happened and you weren’t happy about it maybe it would be best not to know, once it’s on the world wide web the world and his wife can copy it, or what you’re doing in it . . .if you’re impressive enough.
Even when famous peoples sex tapes have ended up on the net there’s not been much they could do about it despite their money and expensive lawyers.
Of course it’s not like Mr & Mrs Smith from No 47 are gonna get as much attention as Pam and Tommy, but even so if it’s against your knowledge it’s not a nice thing to happen. And I’ve seen websites advertised that are encouraging people to upload videos of their exes for revenge, even as warped as I am I think that’s awful.

Even if you trust the person who's taking the pictures totally, unless the only copies are on a memory stick or some other storage device that’s kept (for instance) locked in the little jewellery case in the bottom drawer underneath the jumpers . . . how can you really be sure ? I know more then one person who's lost a phone that had things on it they really didn’t want anyone else to see.
And mistakes can happen, I once typed a very graphic text for a fella called Mark, then accidentally sent it to my friend Marie instead. Although once I’d worked out why she sent me a text saying she didn’t realise I felt like that I just found it funny.

Let’s face it who amongst us hasn’t lost a mobile phone ?
Or had to put a crashed computer in to be fixed ?
Honestly, if that was my job - retrieving files - damn sure I’d be looking.
I remember when blue tooth phones first came on the market, I was sat in the pub with a few friends and a mate of mine had just got one. He was explaining to me how it worked - scanned the pub - hacked into a phone and he and I spent the next hour looking at this persons graphic pictures of himself and someone we assumed was his girlfriend.

And what if you weren’t aware that the video even existed in the first place?

I have this friend, Karen - she’s a little bit of a prude, doesn’t even really like talking about sex much.
This particular day I’m round her house as is another friend, Carol. Karen had not long finished with her boyfriend, Ray, and I was recently single too.
So exes were the main topic of conversation.
I said that I was a bit concerned that mine - who had a few pictures of me on his phone - might show them around. But I’m philosophical about this, I knew the risks and if I hadn’t then more fool me for letting him take them in the first place, and I said as much. Karen was disgusted with me, and getting quite preachy about it, all “how could you” and “you should be ashamed of yourself”.  Until Carol said,
“You cant say anything Karen, you let Ray film you giving him a blow job. . . "
“No I most certainly did not.”
“Don’t lie Karen, yes you fucking did so stop going on at Cowgirl.”
“I didn’t, I would never let anyone do anything like that, so why are you even saying that I did?”
“Because he showed me the video on his phone.”
"What !!! when ?"
At this point Karen looks very sick and is starting to turn a rather vibrant shade of red while I, of course, am starting to laugh. Carol, who's suddenly realising that Karen didn't know about it looks like she wishes she could leave, but she's got no choice other then to answer the question.
"Just before you broke up, the night we all went for a curry."
"I don't believe you, where was I ?"
"You'd gone to the toilet, Ray and I were at the bar and he showed me."
Ray was from Scotland, and had disappeared back up there when Karen dumped him, so no chance of her getting hold of him and making him delete the offending object either.

Moral of that story I suppose is keep your eyes open at all times. I found this whole thing fucking hilarious, it happened about three years ago, but to this day if I remind Karen about it she turns a lovely shade of beetroot.
I keep saying to her that we should check pornhub and see if she’s on it yet - she doesn’t find that funny.
But I do.

Talking of pornhub I once got chatting to a guy online who claimed that he had put loads of films of him and various women on there. He reckoned that most, though not all, had agreed to be on the website, but that they all knew they were being filmed.
Personally I reckon it was bullshit and fantasy, this bloke had nothing going for him in the looks department. As for the rest I had no desire to ever find out, but I also had no doubt that given an opportunity to act out this fantasy he would. Though how many hits “skinny ginger man fucks (most likely) desperate ugly woman for 15 seconds” would get I don’t know. 
I guess there’s a niche for everyone.

Another guy I know decided to secretly film him and his new girlfriend (who he thought was great, and had been boring us all talking about her for weeks) having sex. He hid a camera on a shelf above his bed.
After she left he was watching the film, gets to the bit where he left the room for some reason or other and he sees her pick his trousers up, get his wallet out of the pocket, take some money out and put it in her bag. Serves him right really.
Of course the reason I know about this story is because he showed everyone, not very nice for the girl in question but really I just think he made himself look like a cunt - on several levels.

And finally, there’s another huge problem with home made porn … get to see your own sex face.
Are you really sure you want to do that ?

Update : This post, according to my stats and feedjit is one of the most often viewed. It's also the reason why some of the rather choice search keywords bring random people to my blog.
What cracks me up about it is the 'video'. 
As Feedjit allows me to see when people leave this blog via the internal links I know that some people click it several times. Losers. Hahahahaha. Guess that just proves the point I was making when I wrote this.