Tuesday, 29 March 2011

i know nothing

I like to think I’m quite open minded.

I don’t have any inhibitions when it comes to bedroom activities and I’ve had more then my fair share of wild moments. There have been plenty of times when I’ve been talking with friends and the subject turns to sex, which I have no issues talking about either, and I’ll say something about one of my adventures that without my meaning to shocks them.
When it comes to fantasies my attitude has always been that if the thought of something turns me on then I may as well do it. You should at least try it once, if you don’t like it then you don’t have to do it again but if you do…well…happy days.

There’s no harm in adding to your repertoire, doesn’t make me a slut just means I’m adventurous.

But anyway earlier today I saw a gadget called the Human Sex Map on another blog, and all I can say is clearly I must of actually led a fairly sheltered life.
I’ve never been remotely inclined to indulge in anything gross involving shit or animals but compared to a lot  of people I’ve spoken to I thought I was fairly liberated, (or maybe I just have no problem admittng it ) but I saw things on this map I’ve never heard of.
So of course I googled them.
Be rude not to.

Angry Dragon ?…yeah I’d be fucking furious and Dirty Sanchez isn’t just a TV programme.

Meet the Fuckzall....DIY anyone ?
I’ve tried the whole cyber sex/webcam thing, it didn’t do much for me, you’re still on your own wanking and honestly I think I’d rather watch porn, well at least they’re good looking.
Well as long you don’t put the words Ron and Jeremy in the search bar.
But apparently there is something called Telidonics, in my head I now have an image of a USB vibrator but I don’t thinks that’s quite it. 

Are you familiar with the term Abasiophilia ? Apparently it applies to people who have a fetish for users of orthopaedic devices such as leg braces or even wheelchairs.
Does your partner have a habit of leaving things on the stairs where you’re liable to trip ?
Is he or she a reckless driver, ever found yourself thinking that they are going to have an accident if they don’t slow down.

Yeah, I’d be worried.
The Violet Wand - reminds me of the dentist.
I watched a TV programme a while ago about men who are into Real Dolls, I thought it was hilarious, strange and also quite sad. Men who are so desperate for female company and yet for whatever reason don’t have a real woman.
They treat these dolls like they’re people though, they don’t deflate once they’re done with them they take them for days out or position them in front of the telly.

Weird Huh ? But I looked up Natori Masks and it seems some folk get off on wearing masks that make them look like they’re dolls.
Ever heard of Dacrynalgia ?
No, me neither but apparently there are people out there who are turned on by women crying. Each to his own but family funerals must be interesting.
I bet their friends all think they’re wonderful people too…”oh Steve, yeah he’s such a good friend, always willing to let you cry on his shoulder “.

Anyway I'm off to see if I can find a grope box and a monkey rocker on ebay, if you want to get your own map.... and you know you do - here’s the link. Human Sex Map
Enjoy !
 Update : Re, Real Dolls...someone just sent me this on facebook - omfg ! 
Purely platonic ? yeah, until the missus goes to bingo.
Look out for the boss eyed one, fucking hilarious.

And if any of them get broken and lose a leg I suppose he could always advertise them on an abasiophiliac site, there's bound to be one.

Monday, 28 March 2011

why can't we live together

I went shopping with Son a couple of days ago and there were some people with a promotional stall for paintballing. Son wanted to talk to them so I left him to it whilst I went to another shop. When I came out he had talked the guy into giving him a really good deal - it was their last day there and this was late in the afternoon as well. Son had to go to the cashpoint as the guys running the stall had no card machine so went off to do this and asked me to give the guy his details for the form that needed completing.
I did so then as I was stood there waiting the (South African) fella starts chatting to me,
“so where’s his father from then ?”
“England, but his family are from Jamaica if that’s what you mean”
“oh, right, so was he a drug dealer then?”
“excuse me ? No he fucking wasn’t and why are you asking me that ?”
“well they all are aren’t they”

I walked away, it was either that or give him a large piece of my mind and quite possibly my fist in his face.
And that would’ve been the end of Sons bargain paintball trip .

But seriously. Fuck. Right .Off !

Of course what else can you expect from a white South African ?.
The land of apartheid.
I just have to hear the accent and I cringe.

Slavery was a dark time in the history of Africa, but that was a long time ago, apartheid began in 1943 and was only ended in 1993. South Africa is rich in gold and diamond mines and the white man decided he wanted that. There is still so much poverty amongst the indigenous people of that continent yet the white minority got rich off it’s natural resources.

Anyone who tried to oppose the regime was thrown in jail.
Most people are aware of Nelson Mandela but there were many others and a lot of them, like Steve Biko were beaten to death for voicing their opposition or just belonging to the ANC, then regarded as a terrorist organisation but now the ruling political party.

However, the country as a whole has moved on but you can be sure that there are white people in South Africa who still subscribe to the idea of apartheid.
Its been 178 years since slavery was abolished and black people are still regarded as being lesser then white people by some, so I can’t imagine the entire white population of SA has changed it’s attitude in 20 years.

Racism makes me sick to my stomach.
Whoever it’s directed at .
Currently in England, as with a lot of the world, there is an increased hatred towards Moslems. Ever since 9/11 and the London bombings it’s as if everyone who follows that religion should be assumed to be a terrorist, when in fact most Moslems are peaceful devout people who despise the actions of Al Qaeda as much as everyone else.
Probably more in fact, since they are now having to deal with everyone viewing them with suspicion as a direct result of their actions.
Why do people do that ?
Assume that just because a small minority of one race are bad then the rest must be too.

A few months ago a small group of militant Moslems in London burned poppies - the British symbol of memorial for those who died fighting in wars. The nationwide backlash was awful, even here far away from London a group of people gathered outside our mosque and terrorised people as they were entering and leaving the building. And that included old people, women and children, none of whom had anything to do with what had occurred in London.

The hidden racists are just as bad, the people who don’t think of themselves as being prejudiced yet begin a sentence with the words "I'm not racist but..." I cringe because what’s coming next is usually going to be a statement that without the 'disclaimer' would lead people to think they were.

And to me that just smacks of that thinly veiled latent bigotry that is still all to evident.
The kind of people who say they don’t have a problem with (insert any minority) but they wouldn’t want them to live next door/ date their children.

Or the people who ask why black people wear t-shirts that have slogans that say “proud to be black”. Someone recently commented on this in a forum and asked that very question, then said that if they wore a “proud to be white” t-shirt they would be called a racist. My reply was that If it was a "proud to be gay" t-shirt would a question be posted asking if you were homophobic if you wore a "proud to be straight" t-shirt.
No, of course it wouldn’t.

But then am I proud to be white ?
Not especially no, when most of the extremist groups in the western world are white and use patriotism as a mask for racial hatred.
Truth is white people from first world nations don't need to celebrate our freedoms and privileges because we've had them so long we take them for granted.
Sad then that so many of us still have a problem with the people our ancestors took them away from, and fail to understand why the descendants of those people choose to not forget.
We don’t expect Jewish people to ever forget the holocaust so why do we think black people should forget about slavery.

If you are part of any minority you need to shout louder and longer to be heard and sometimes even now you have to fight for the same privileges afforded to everyone else.

My Dad was a union man before he retired and told me about a conference he attended. One of the proposals put forward was by a black person who wanted to form a committee for black union members - this was a while ago, and black people were still discriminated against in the workplace, albeit in a very underhand manner. Dad had seen instances where a black person was overlooked for promotion or sacked for a reason that was clearly nonsense, as shop steward it had been his job to defend them.

Most of the white people in attendance were opposed to the idea.
Of course they didn't want this to happen - from a union point of view as a committee they would then have powers in their own right when it came to tribunals and the like, but their only argument against it was that if they said they wanted a white members only committee it would be deemed racist.
Not that they needed a white committee, since the white members would always get the majority in any vote.
Dad said there was no objections a few years earlier when they had done the same for female union members, no-one had objected and said they would be accused of being sexist if they had wanted a male only committee.
You see what I’m saying ?

It would be nice to think that one day we could live in a world where people are just people, and whether they are good or bad is about them or a group that they affiliate with, but not the colour of their skin, religion, race, sexuality or gender.
If we could celebrate our differences instead of being scared of them and give up on the stereotypes.

But sadly it still happens, and people that love to hate will find any excuse to do so.
If someone different to your particular group that you identify with breaks into your house and steals your belongings, it seems its perfectly acceptable to then hate everyone else from their group.
But if a white person is burgled by another white person do you then hate all white people ?
I doubt it.

In the seventies that was happening here towards Irish people.
The IRA were planting bombs so every Irish person was a terrorist. That idea is still quite common amongst some English people, even though the IRA and Sinn Fein have now moved into the political arena, it’s just a shame that people had to die for them to achieve the right for their opinions to be heard.
Much like the ANC.

I saw an Irish stand up on TV a while ago saying that he thought the Irish people owed Moslems a favour because nowadays everyone was so busy hating them they had finally started to like the Irish.

Sometimes as much as I fear the idea of an event that threatens the planet as a whole, I think that’s what it’s going to take to get the human race to pull together.

If we all depended on each other for survival would we finally forget the things that divide us ?

If everyone had nothing would we finally all be equal.

Friday, 25 March 2011

mothers day

Today would’ve been my Mothers birthday.

As anyone who reads here will know I’m very fond of telling little anecdotes, I have a lot about my Mum that I’ve thought about writing here, but it always felt a bit wrong, like its bad enough I’m laughing at her never mind sharing with the blogosphere …but…well... fuck it they are funny.

And it seems kind of apt to do it today.

My Mum was born in the early 1930s, she left school at 14 and although she wasn’t stupid she wasn’t what you’d call educated. In her generation women didn’t need to be, they got married young and expected to do what their mothers had done, stay home and raise a family.
Of course times changed fast and there were a lot of things - especially later on when it came to technology that she just didn’t understand.

Once when I was in the middle of washing up she called me, son answered the phone then brought it through to me, I tucked it under my chin and started talking to her.

“where are you I can hear water”
“I’m doing the washing up”
“how can you be talking to me at the same time your phone isn’t in your kitchen ?”
“it’s a cordless phone mum”
“don’t be silly, how can a phone work without a wire ?”
“mum, do you actually know how a phone works with a wire ?”
“well, no…but…”
“well then, you can hear what I’m doing and we’re talking on the phone so just trust me when I say it works”

I used to have an answering machine on my landline that had a built in message, you could set your own but I sound like a 12 yr old boy on the phone so I left it.
Being an old style machine there was limited space for messages, so if you called you would hear “the person you are calling can’t come to the phone….etc”, but if the message space was full it would just say “thank you for calling” and end the call.
Most UK landlines also had a new service at the time where if you dialled 1571 an automated voice would tell you the last number to call your line.

Often if Mum had called while I was out she would leave a message that was never just “ it’s your mum can you call me back”, these messages would be 5 or 10 minutes long.
Son and I used to joke that she had conversations with the answering machine.

So this day I get home and there’s a short message from her that I really couldn’t understand but she sounded a bit upset/annoyed so I call her back.

“mum, you called me what’s up ? “
“that lady was very rude to me”
“what lady ?”
“the lady that answers your phone for you when you’re not there”
“mum . . *trying not to laugh*. .  it’s a machine”
“no it‘s not, I called and she told me to leave a message so I was telling her what I wanted to say to you and she butted in and said ‘thankyou for calling’ then hung up on me ! Then I rang you back and I said I just want to leave a message for my daughter and she did it again !”
“mum . . *really trying not to laugh now* . . you left too long a message and the tape ran out”
“tape ? What tape ?”
“mum . . . *simple explanation of how answer machine works*. . .its NOT a real person”
“don’t try and stick up for her, I may be old but I’m not stupid, she was rude”
”mum there is no she, it really is a machine “
“daughter (she called me that when I pissed her off) don’t try and defend her and make me look stupid, I know it’s a real person and do you want to know how I know?”
“how ?”
“because it’s the same lady I talk to when I call 1571 to see if anyone’s rang me while I’ve been out “

The following Christmas I bought her an answering machine.
Her husband told me that setting it up was a nightmare, not because it was difficult to understand how to, the hard part was making her understand that she could record a message that people would be able to hear if she wasn’t home.
But apparently once she grasped the concept she then wanted to record a different message every time she went out saying how she was, any family news, where she was going and when she would be back because,
“anyone calling will want to know”.

She also refused to ever call me on my mobile because she had heard that they could cause brain tumours.
When I tried to put her mind at rest about this as I didn’t want her worrying about me she said if I wanted to take risks with my health it was up to me, but she wasn’t prepared to take the risk of getting a brain tumour at her age.
By calling me on MY mobile from her landline.

If that made you laugh then have a drink and toast her tonight.
It might please her because right now wherever she is she’s cursing me for sharing that with you lot !

Happy Birthday Mum xxx

Thursday, 24 March 2011

little devils and angels without halos #2

The second post in an occasional series of stories from my times working in children’s homes.

Paul, my key-child had been home for a few days with his family. On his return he had four £20 notes in an envelope which he said were a gift from his Nan, he asked me to put them in his locker, which was in the office.

The root of all evil ?
This kid had a habit of helping himself to things that weren’t exactly his, so the next day I rang his mum and asked her if she knew about the money. She said that no, she didn’t and she had wondered where it went but, “ he may as well keep it “.

I thought that a bit odd, but her money her son so I didn’t question it...

As key worker one of the things you would be responsible for was taking your child shopping, they all had pocket money and weekly allowances for clothes & toiletries which could be saved up if they wanted. Paul wanted to go shopping as he had a fair bit saved, and wanted to spend his own money. We got a lift to the train station, the home was on the outskirts of a small town but it didn’t have much in the way of a shopping centre so if shopping for clothes we’d go to one that was a 30min train ride away.
It was only when we were sat on the train that Paul realised he hadn’t brought his own money.
Not a real problem since I had the money from the home.

I loved shopping with this kid - apart from the relationship building that comes from spending time one on one - he enjoyed hunting out the bargains as much as me. He said that he wanted to get some moisturiser because his skin was always dry after swimming, so off we go to the drug store where we spend ages, him wanting to try the different creams on his arms and me advising him, and when he ran out of space on his arms he was using mine. Eventually he decided on cocoa butter. We must’ve been in that shop for close to an hour.

Does exactly what it says
on the label.
We went and spent his clothing money then went for a burger before getting the train back. He was very pleased with all the things he bought that day but he didn’t stop going on about all the other things he could’ve bought if he’d remembered to bring his money, he even asked me if I’d lend it to him but I refused - it was against the rules anyway.
Whilst we were sat waiting to be picked up from the station on our return he said something about the cream he’d bought - I don’t remember exactly what, and as soon as he said it he shut up as he realised that he had accidentally let slip that what he really wanted it for was “me time”.
Great, essentially I spent an hour advising a teenage boy about lube.

The worst of that was every once in a while he’d walk past us and there would be a strong smell of cocoa butter and we knew……..

Later that evening his mum called but at the time he was playing football so I had a chat to her, and told her we’d been shopping. When I told her that he had forgotten to take the £80 she laughed and said it was a good job we hadn’t - the money was forged - and Paul knew this.
Lets just say I was very glad he did forget it, otherwise instead of talking to her at the very least I would’ve been sat in a cell with him, if not arrested myself..

Paul really struggled with literacy but anything electrical or mechanical he was a genius, he had a lot of issues to deal with, including mild autism/aspergers. At the end of my time working there we took the boys on holiday to a seaside town. By day three we were a bit curious how they all had cigarettes to smoke instead of the usual roll-ups, they weren’t old enough to buy cigarettes from a shop but the hotel had a vending machine. As one of the lads had been given a fair bit of spending money by his mum and said he bought from the machine them we just decided to wait and see. In that kind of work you cannot ever be judgemental so unless we had concrete proof or serious cause for concern we would give the benefit of the doubt.

Lucky 7 or just a fluke....
There was a fruit machine in the social room in the hotel and Paul had wanted to play, we had said no he wasn’t old enough but one of the hotel staff said it was fine.

So when Paul had a pocket full of change he said he had won on the machine we had no real reason to doubt him, although knowing him we were suspicious.

My boss spoke to the hotel manager who told him that the night porter had said he’d seen two of our lads coming out of the social room in the early hours of the morning a couple of days before.
And he never said anything ? Again, cheers.
But as this was the last night of the holiday we decided not to say anything to the boys, just watch and wait.

Thanks, but no....
In the evening I was in the room I was sharing with the other female staff getting ready to go out for our last night and there’s a knock on the door, when I open it there is Paul wanting to speak to me.
He has a leaving present for me.
SIXTY cigarettes.
I tell him that whilst I appreciate the thought I really can’t accept them.

Our boss then decided to sit up all night, about 3am Paul appears with another of the lads and is told to go back to bed. In the morning we set off back for the home and when we return we tell all the boys to put their bags in the living room and search them. We found about 40 packets of cigarettes, most of which were in Pauls bag, the other four had one or two packets each, and at the bottom of Pauls bag there was also about £50 in change.
Turns out the crafty sod knew how to break into cigarette machines.

We had to make a very apologetic call to the hotel and return what we found, luckily for him the hotel manager agreed that as long as he paid the rest back he would not press charges.

I found it.....
Pauls story was that he ‘found’ the money and had used some to buy a packet of cigarettes from the ‘broken’ vending machine which then dispensed all the cigarettes it had. Of course he would’ve handed them in except there were no hotel staff around at 4am. Hmmmm.

When I rang his mother to explain she said “oh yeah, his uncle used to run a vending machine company, he knows all the tricks”…..
Thanks for telling us.

I have to say I really liked that kid, it took me a long time to build a relationship with him but underneath all the messed up crap life had thrown him he was such a character. The fact that he wanted to give me 60 of the cigarettes (and he even got the brand right) as a token of appreciation said a lot about him and how much he, despite the grief he used to give me, thought of me.
In every kids home I worked in cigarettes are as valuable as money.

He had a huge heart, unfortunately he didn’t have the brains to realise that his gesture was going to drop himself in the shit.


Wednesday, 23 March 2011

addicted to blogging

It’s been just over since three months since I joined Blogger.

I am quite pleased to say that I have over 60 followers and am approaching 2000 page views, I don’t think that’s bad going really, I doubt I could find 60 people who want to listen to what I have to say every day in the real world.
I’ve also found some really good blogs to read that I like for many different reasons, my reading list is like my personal library and it has a bit of everything.

Be gone !!!
I’ve met some very nice people and gained quite a few followers in the ‘Coffee Shop’ forum.
And met a few trolls.

Some readers have found me by a random search and some via other blogs.
And then there are the anonymous ones.

I wish......
I know they are there, my dashboard says I have more then show on my list.

But why would someone feel the need to be undercover about reading my verbal diarrhoea ?
I might say the odd swear word but it’s not like there’s really any offensive content…well not by my standards anyway.
Are they undercover ?
Perhaps Batman is reading my Blog.

If I had one wish it would be for more people to comment.
My little visitors map and my stats tell me that I have some fairly regular readers in some far flung parts of the globe but they never say hello.

Wtf ? How is this relevant ?
If you see this readers in Russia, Malaysia, Sri Lanka, Saudi Arabia or anywhere else say hello next time you’re here.
Even if you don’t write too well in English I can easily translate.

The thing that cracks me up the most, apart from some very entertaining blogs I have found to read is the search keywords. I have a few that are very rude, and I’m not going to write them here in case that just ups the ante on them on google but my favourite is.
“Dog Shoulder Diagram” ???

There’s a few things I really don’t like.
I find blogs that have bright garish colours really hard to read, especially bright writing on dark backgrounds. There’s been a few that I would’ve followed, except they weren’t worth getting a migraine for.

Bad enough I need reading glasses, if I have to sit here with shades on I too I won’t see a fucking thing.
And those full of adverts put me right off - no matter how good the content.
I don’t like the spam that comes in a tin and I don’t want to see it on my computer thanks very much.

nom nom NOT !
I don’t want much TV but when I do make sure I miss the first five minutes so I can rewind then fast forward all the ads.
On here I just click next.

And annoying in an amusing way are the people who appear as followers, never comment or even say hello and after two weeks remove themselves. I take them to be following me because they think I will return the favour.

If I add someone to my list it’s because I want to read them, and if I don’t I won’t. I think some people see gaining followers like Facebook friends and they just want to be able to say I have 545.

Personally I would prefer 30 that read then 300 that didn’t.

But to everyone who has passed by my humble little piece of the blogosphere and stopped to read I would just like to say thankyou very much indeed, whoever and wherever you are on the planet.

Yes you, all of you, you lot are the best !!
Much love to all of you J

furry things that live in my house

I truly believe that the cat lost nothing from domestication
Your friendly, affectionate, attention loving lap-cat can go out at night and revert back to the primordial hunter. The only problem is it may well decide to bring some of the proceeds home in the morning as a token of its appreciation of you.
Well that's what they want us to think, in truth I suspect they want to scare us.
Feed me tuna or this can happen to you.
The Boss.

One of the places I’ve lived had a long back garden that backed onto what I can best describe as a wooded area, at the time my son was probably about 6 or 7, and most mornings when we’d step outside for the walk to school our cat had left a selection of the proceeds from the nights hunting on the doormat. This would include mice, voles, slow-worms, birds, frogs, grasshoppers, even a couple of grass snakes - all laid out fully intact but very dead.

I am currently owned by three.
I have a maincoon who is the ripe old age of 18, and very much the boss.

However despite his age he still has not worked out that if it’s raining outside the front door it will also be raining at the back. Every time it rains he miows at the front door - I open it - he looks out then goes to the back door - I open it - he looks out then goes to the kitchen window, then looks at me like it’s MY fault it’s fucking raining.
And if I try ignoring him after the front door he just howls at me until I go through the routine.

Feed me now or I'm leaving.
He prefers to go out the front of the house - he likes the attention from passers by, all the kids on our street know his name. Sometimes I’ve sat in the front room and listened to them talking to him. When he wants to come in he’ll scratch at the front door, the old lady who lives over the road asked me if she was seeing things or does my cat actually knock the door, he kinda jumps up and does it.
This cat has come home wearing a new collar that I never bought him more then once.

At one time I had students living next door to me and I’d often see him sat in their window - he even had his own chair in their house. It’s nothing unusual in the summer to not see him for a few days, however if I put a chicken in the oven all of a sudden there he is.
Me and son say he has a built in chicken detector.

In the summer if I smell a barbeque being cooked and look out the back window I’ll more then likely see him sat on the wall of whichever garden it’s being cooked in.
He loves ham, if there’s ham in the fridge every time one of us goes into the kitchen he follows and sits by the fridge.
But he only does this when there’s ham in it.

If he’s in and hungry and there is no food he knows when I go out I’m going to the shop and will leave with me, walk to the top of the road and be there waiting when I come back. If he’s been out and he comes in and the food bowl is full he won't let me so much as touch him, but if he comes in and it’s empty he’s the most friendly affectionate cat ever.
He won’t take food off my plate but will sit and watch me when I’m eating and he knows if I put a bit of meat to one side on the plate I’m saving that for him, so if any of the other cats come near they get batted away.

Once upon a time he had a habit of coming in the bathroom and sitting on the shelf at the end of the bath while I was in it. At first he would drink the bath water but I kept a plastic jug in there and would fill that with water for him. If I forgot he’d knock the jug in the bath to remind me. Until the day he came in and I wasn’t alone in the bath.
That was about 10 years ago and he hasn’t done it since.
Nowadays he likes to wait until I’m totally relaxed in the bath then come in and use the litter tray. Although any other time he prefers to go and do his business in the garden.

I don’t think I’m forgiven.

We also have a pure black cat, he is part Siamese and has the lean body type of one and the voice, although he is the most placid cat I’ve ever owned. This cat doesn’t even cry for food, he will just sit by the food bowl and wait.
He is totally devoted to son, I’m allowed to pet him but he does not like me picking him up and never sits on my lap - son can carry him round all day and just has to pat his leg once and the cat is there. He follows him around the house and will just sit and watch him whatever he is doing. He’ll come to the window to be let in but if I open it he will just sit there - I have to get son to call him.
I love only him

Son moved out for a while and lived with his girlfriend and he would occasionally take his cat with him for a night or two, but it was during this time that he finally started to come to me for affection, although once son moved back that stopped.

I’ll sometimes find him sleeping in my room but as soon as I walk in he either goes under my bed or leaves.
The only time he actually comes to me for affection now is if son is drawing or playing xbox - and all the time I’m fussing him he’s looking at son.

I’m convinced he’s just trying to make him jealous.

And finally I have the spoilt brat mummys boy.
Crashed cat
This one was hand reared from two weeks, so he is socialised to the extreme. Loves a cuddle, and I mean a proper squeeze-me, and all the time I’m doing so will ‘talk’, and try to touch my face. So cute.
I know he lays all over me when I’m asleep too as there have been times when I’ve woken to find white fur all over whatever top I’ve slept in.
My friends have said that I think he’s my baby, I don’t, but he does.
I’m quite convinced he’d let me breast feed him if I wanted to, which I don’t.

Having a wash in the sink
He has some odd habits though, for instance he loves washing up sponges, and he’s not bothered if they’re wet, he’s tried to take one of my hand before now as I’m using it. His new ‘thing’ is my pastry brush. It’s kept in a pot on a shelf above my cooker with the wooden spoons and about a week ago he was in my bedroom playing with something and at first I thought it was probably a sponge. When I realised it was the brush I took it off him, washed it and put it back thinking maybe I’d left it on the side as I’d been sorting out the kitchen earlier that day.

Get off the laptop and look at me.
Two days later son was sat at the kitchen table and watch him jump on the worktop and remove it from the pot.
I really don’t know what the attraction is, but I think I need to buy a new one now. 
He has learnt that when I’m on the laptop I don’t want him on my lap so he will lay up my arm with his head on my shoulder, then gradually work his way down.

We also watch videos on you tube together, so much that I have a list of his favourites on my account.
But he loves ‘the two talking cats’ the most - he talks back to them

Makes me wonder what they’re really saying…..

I'm convinced they're plotting the enslavement of the human race.

And finally a rare picure of the furball three sharing the sofa.

Yup, I know what they're thinking.

Cat Quotes

Cats cooperate, dogs perform.
Brad Thompson

The cat seldom interferes with other people's rights. His intelligence keeps him from doing many of the fool things that complicate life.
Carl Van Vechten

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Dereke Bruce

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.
Doug Larson

As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
Ellen Perry Berkeley

Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience.
Pam Brown

I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days.
Bill Dana

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.
Mary Bly

The cat is the only animal which accepts the comforts but rejects the bondage of domesticity.
Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon

In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.
Terry Pratchett

Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet's, pee on your owner.
Gary Smith

It is impossible for a lover of cats to banish these alert, gentle, and discriminating little friends, who give us just enough of their regard and complaisance to make us hunger for more.
Agnes Repplier

A cat is the only domestic animal I know who toilet trains itself and does a damned impressive job of it.
Joseph Epstein

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
Hippolyte Taine

Although all cat games have their rules and rituals, these vary with the individual player. The cat, of course, never breaks a rule. If it does not follow precedent, that simply means it has created a new rule and it is up to you to learn it quickly if you want the game to continue.
Sidney Denham

You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.
George Mikes

Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren't like this. A dog's idea of personal grooming is to roll on a dead fish.
James Gorman

Of all the toys available, none is better designed than the owner himself. A large multipurpose plaything, its parts can be made to move in almost any direction. It comes completely assembled, and it makes a sound when you jump on it.
Stephen Baker

Who among us hasn't envied a cat's ability to ignore the cares of daily life and to relax completely?
Karen Brademeyer

If I called her she would pretend not to hear, but would come a few moments later when it could appear that she had thought of doing so first.
Arthur Weigall

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Jeff Valdez

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.
Mark Twain Notebook, 1895

If a cat does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same thing, for the same reason, we call it intelligence.
Will Cuppy

The mathematical probability of a common cat doing exactly as it pleases is the one scientific absolute in the world.
Lynn M. Osband

Monday, 21 March 2011

plant life

I realised a long time ago that I really don’t have green fingers.

House plants can make a home look fabulous, I especially love palms and anything with huge leaves. They are apparently good for the cleansing of air inside your home as well. I have friends who have plants that are older then their children, and bigger.
But me, they just don’t seem to like.
I’m the kiss of death to plants.

I either over water them or under water them or maybe they don’t like the tone of my voice - given that we’re supposed to talk to them.
Even cut flowers, which I don’t really like since I see them as dying the minute you cut them, seem to die a lot quicker in my house.

I once bought three huge bunches of small sunflowers from a market trader in the town centre as it was the end of the day and he was selling them off for a £1. I planned to share them with two friends who were coming round later. As it turned out neither friend could make it.
Two days later they were sat in my kitchen having pretty much died even though I had put them in water and a sunny spot by the window.
On seeing them my best friend said,
"You bring them home and give them hope".

Sometimes hope just isn't enough.

My mum once gave me and my sister a cutting each of a money plant, I told her not to give it to me but she insisted all I had to do was water it if it felt dry and she chose the spot for it in my house.
My sister still has hers - its more like a small tree now.
Mine lasted a month at the most.

A long time ago I was living a few doors away from a good friend who had thriving house plants, she said if I got some she would take care of them for me, we lived so close we saw each other pretty much every day so this was fine.
She came with me and helped me choose four and they thrived, all I did was look at them, everything else was left to Julie.
Then Julie moved in with her boyfriend who lived further away, before she went she made these little stickers for the plant pots telling me when to water them, when to feed them, put them in the sun etc. I followed those intructions very carefully, but by three weeks two were dead and the others weren’t looking too healthy.
I rang Julie and told her to come and save them.
She took them home with her.

I’ve even killed cactus, they can survive fucking years in the desert but give them to me and they turn into suicidal thorns.
I swear if I had plastic plants they’d melt.

I once spent £50 on a huge indoor palm that the woman in the shop assured me would be fine in my bathroom. Apparently they love the humidity of a steamy room and as long as they get sun too all they need is water if dry.
I loved that plant, it sat in the corner and hung over the bath, it looked fabulous and I was determined to look after it. And it looked fine, no brown leaves and it even grew a couple of new shoots.
Then one day I’m laying in the bath and one of the stems just fell off, then another pretty much every day for a week until it just looked pathetic and turned to straw.

Fuck knows what I did to it, although I do like to sing in the bath.

If we ever do get invaded by triffids there’ll be no need to call in the army, just send them round to my house.

I'm thinking about trying again, so before I commit vegetation abuse can anyone suggest a plant that's pretty self sufficient, independant, not too needy in the attention department and won't give up without a fight ?

Sunday, 20 March 2011

interdire le français

I watched the news earlier this evening.
Japan reports radiation has been detected as far away from the Fukushima plant as Tokyo - 150 miles.
Of course this is played down, they say levels are low yet they are giving out iodine tablets.

If I was there I’d be leaving.
The crisis has been raised to a Level 5, again played down, they say this means a risk to the immediate area outside the plant, but its 5 out of 7.
If it was 1 or 2 it might be reassuring, 5 is not.

However it does appear that they have made some progress in cooling the reactors, although there is also now talk of doing what they did at Chernobyl and covering the entire site in sand and cement if all else fails.
Yeah ok, except Chernobyl isn’t in the middle of an earthquake zone and it was one, not six reactors. 

Given that and the fact that the waste from these things is usually buried deep underground I can’t see how this is a failsafe solution.

However I am feeling slightly less concerned about the prospect of Armageddon.
For now.

The problem is that this has got me thinking again about the fucking French situation.
France produces 75% of his electricity from nuclear power, no other country uses even close to this.
This is a country that has 58 nuclear power plants. To put that in perspective the only country that has more is the USA with 104, and most US States are bigger then France. Even Russia, the biggest country in the whole fucking world has 32.

And the bastards have built five of them on their North Coast…that’s about 300 miles from the South coast of England.
Which is where I fucking live.
One of them goes Chernobyl where the fuck is the wind gonna blow that ?

Fucking cunts.
I have vowed to never set foot on French soil. Was bad enough I had to go through the place to get to Belgium on the Eurostar, I told the place what I thought of it though.

That is my actual finger & outside the window is france !
I fucking hate the fucking French.
For other very good reasons too.

Of the eight countries that have conducted nuclear tests, France has never done this on their own soil - they tested in the Sahara and Polynesia.
Talk about don’t shit on your own doorstep…well I suppose I’m kinda glad they didn’t given that the wind could’ve well blown their shit onto my doorstep. The only countries that have tested more are the USA and Russia. But at least they had the good grace to do most of theirs at home.

They’ve been electing their equivalent of the National Front, a racist organisation, to their parliament for years. Jean Marie LePen, a man whose opposition to ethnic groups is well known has previously come second in their presidential election.

There is a Japanese method of shark fishing that uses live dogs as bait. This is now a banned practise, apart from in French waters.

They have a lot of responsibility for what happened in Vietnam, before the war started over there a lot of that part of the world was French occupied, I'm not going into a lengthy history lesson here but it is well documented in books that I have read.

They eat frogs legs and snails…now that is just gross.
Who the fuck looks at a frog or a snail and thinks I wonder what that tastes like ?
Only the French.

Delicious...or small people ?

And also on the news tonight the Libyan situation and the international effort to finally put a stop to Gadaffi. Yes this is a good thing but I turned the TV over just in time to hear the reporter say,

"France fired the first shot"
Can't say I'm surprised.

Friday, 18 March 2011


I’m scared.
I’ve stopped watching the news.

Was about this time last week I got up to make a drink and found my son - who was in the process of planning a trip to Japan - glued to the TV.
So I sat and watched with him.

I feel for those people.
And now I fear for them. And the whole fucking planet.

When I was a kid we had a coal turbine power station in our town - my dad worked there and when they decided to close it the employees were offered jobs elsewhere in the industry.
I remember the discussions - I was maybe 11 or 12, and my sister and I were included in them. Dad had a few options and the one that paid the most money was Sellafield.
I told the parents that if they said we had to move there I would leave home.
Where I was gonna go I don’t know.
Fortunately Dad found a new job here instead.
I’d heard stuff about higher cancer rates and other illnesses amongst the people who lived near the place.

We had items about nuclear deterrents and images of Russia having military parades where it displayed its missiles on the news. In England we had the USA storing missiles at Greenham Common because from here they could hit Russia before it hit them.
And we had TV documentaries and dramas about the post-apocalyptic world after a nuclear attack.
Duck and cover.

I know about fallout and nuclear winters and radiation.

But even though I didn’t agree with having it, the nuclear deterrent worked.
Who is going to push the button knowing that their enemy would do the same ? Every country that has nuclear capability knows the destruction it would cause and that it’s only going to bring the same back on itself.

I’ve always said that everyone was worried about atomic bombs when really it’s the nuclear generators we should be sweating over. A power station could have a fault or an accident, something that man cannot control - nobody needs to be pushing a button for that to happen.

Its always been the one thing that really, truly scares me.

Chernobyl is over 2000 km from England and they reported higher radiation levels in rain over Wales after the accident there. I was 8 months pregnant at the time, if it was raining I didn’t go out. That might seem extreme but I didn’t care, I was worried.
The land around the site is still not safe, 24 years later.
Children are born with deformities and people are dying of cancer.
Want to have nightmares ? Look it up on Youtube.

One reactor went into meltdown and caused so much destruction.

Fukushima has four.
What the fuck kind of damage can that do the whole fucking planet if the worst happens ?
If it isn’t happening already.

The first the rest of the world knew about Chernobyl was sensory equipment in another country detecting raised levels of radiation. The fucking roof blew off but they didn’t evacuate the nearby town until 40 hours later.
I hope the Japanese will/ are being totally honest with the rest of the world and their own people about the situation there. Thankfully their country is not like post-communist Russia and I’m sure they are.

As a nation they remember Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Son is keeping an eye on the news and I know he’ll tell me if anything major happens but I’m not watching it. I’ve been sat there fucking speechless (which is really not like me) every time I have.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Those poor people, as if getting the worst earthquake and a tsunami aren’t enough they now have to worry about radiation.
Think about that when you’re moaning about the traffic or the spot on your nose.

The one thing that has pleased me is what I’ve seen about other countries realising that they need to seriously look at the safety of their power plants, even suspending plans to build new ones.There was a time when people protested if their government planned to build one on their doorstep, that hasn’t happened for a long time - hopefully those days will return.

I actually saw some spokesman on the TV saying nuclear energy was the safest form of power.
Like fuck it is.

If a turbine power station caught fire or blew up or just stopped working you might have immediate casualties and damage. But you can deal with that, and you can get close enough to the building to be able to do so and make it safe.
Even if a nuclear plant never had an accident there is still the issue of waste. There might be less immediate pollution into the atmosphere, but the used product has to be encased in thick containers and buried underground in what are referred to as deep geological sites.
Apparently it is safe after 1000 years, although of course they clearly can’t be sure - it’s not like they had some to bury 1000 years ago that they’ve since dug up and guess what the Geiger counter didn’t beep once.

There are other options.
Wind turbines.
Solar power.
And what about hydro energy, if there was any doubt about the power the ocean is capable of then the events of last Friday disprove that.
I fail to believe that scientists can not come up with viable alternatives.

I do have another theory, about the planet.
It’s been here far longer then we have, and I’ve always wondered if we really fucked it up enough would mother nature just decide to wipe it clean.
And if that was going to happen, given that 70% of the surface is water might that be the medium it used to do that.
Makes me wonder.

Have no fear for atomic energy ’cause none of them can stop the times.
Bob Marley.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

worst video ever.....a challenge

I have just seen a video on Klazys Blog which she said was the worst video ever. Click here to see.

It was pretty fucking awful and serious abuse of autotune, if she was dead even Cher would be turning in her grave.
Well they can't cremate her, the amount of plastic surgerys she's had it would probably burn another hole in the ozone layer.

Anyway, I know of something far far more awful...even YouTube calls this the worst video ever.

It fails on every level.

Fellow inhabitants of the Blogosphere I challenge you to find worse.
Or find one redeeming feature in this travesty.
Other then it being amazing that something could be so bad.

Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you Jan Terri and her anthem Losing You.

So, can you do better - or should I say worse ??

Monday, 14 March 2011

stalking made easy

I’ve never had a real life stalker, well not to my knowledge.
Which does mean that if I have then mine was a good one. Or possibly still is.

As far as I’m aware the closest I came was an ex who would suddenly appear in certain places he knew I was in the habit of going to. He wasn’t exactly stealth about this though, in fact he’d be shouting to me the minute I walked in the pub/ club/ café. I was just glad he didn’t know which beauty salon I used.
Can just imagine it now, me on the couch getting my nether regions waxed and….........................

fyi, I am not really this hairy

I did once have this fella that I’d chatted to for an hour on msn, then decided he was boring. Every day for about three weeks after, each time I logged in he’d left me a message.
Eventually it stopped being funny so I emailed him and told him I wasn’t interested nor would I ever be.

Yeah, I know I coulda just blocked him but my inner bitch wanted to be mean.

Half and hour later I got an email from him entitled “I hope this makes you change your mind”.
In my dating site profile where I'd met him it said I liked men with shaved heads, although his wasn’t.
When I opened the email there was a picture of him with a newly shaved head.
Not only a stalker but desperate.
And blocked.

However with Facebook we have a new breed of stalker entirely.
And these ones don’t even try to hide the fact that they’re stalking you.

I’ve been very sort of guilty of that myself….if it’s a fit fella.
I’ll perv look at his pics, see if he’s single and have a stalk peep to see if he’s a flirt or a fraud.
And I’m female, I love a bit of juicy gossip as much as the next nosey bitch and some people just love to put their whole lives up for all to see.
People are often a bit more transparent online.
Even the fake accounts…cos that tells you a fucking lot about a person.

Well it tells you they’re hiding something - might not be bodies under the patio but I’m not taking any chances.

But the kind of stalkers I’m on about - and I’ve had a few of these, are the people who are vague acquaintances, you might not know them that well, but there’s no real reason to not add them.
Then it starts.

Cowgirl is fucking fucked off and fed up and I hate the fucking world FML.
Creepy Friend of a Friend Likes This   
You like that I’m clearly having a shitty day ?
Of course you do, you like every fucking thing I do on here.

Seriously if your status was ‘I’ve just done a massive fart and followed through’ they’d like it.
Then they start commenting, usually with an lol at the end, even if the comment wasn’t actually funny. Since when did lol become the get-out clause for annoying losers anyway ?
Then one day, you log in and see 45 notifications….
Yup, they’ve been looking at ALL your pics * and probably not for the first time, but now they’re letting you know they like them.

yes you ! creepy friend of friend

Then six of your friends message you asking who Creepy Friend of Friend is because they poked three and tried to add the others.

My friends and I also had an odd thing happen with a creep who sent me a request saying he was a friend of my mate Emma ( he was on her list) and was going to be promoting some club nights around our town, so I accepted. Then every day for about two weeks he was adding more and more - everyone thinking he knew everyone else - he didn't. And it turned out Emma didn't really know him either.
Once we had started talking about it we found out that he had asked three of my friends out on dates in the same week.

Of course with the privacy settings it’s very easy to secure your account from total strangers, but not everyone does this.
In fact I think some people don’t understand how it works.
I have a friend who was stalking checking her exes profile, she kinda let slip about something she’d read on his page, he told her she wouldn’t be able to do it anymore and blocked her but didn’t change his settings.
She just made a fake account and carried on snooping.

Although the problem with any kind of snooping is you usually end up finding out something you don’t like.
And how are you going to confront your boyfriend about the messages in his inbox without letting slip that you just happen to have found out his password ?
Or ask about the gay porn you found in the old shoebox buried at the back of his wardrobe ?

Ummm…. so, yeah….I… uh… was looking for a some toilet roll.
Don’t think so.

*If creepy friend is same sex as you these will be the pics of you having a good time with your mates.
  If creepy friend is male and opposite sex these will be all the pics where your tits look big.
  If creepy friend is female and opposite sex these will be the pics of you with your shirt off **
**Men may regard this as an opportunity rather then stalking.

I wrote this after reading a post about stalkers on another blog...please check it out, it’s quite new and very funny and has much better pictures then mine !