♥♥♥ be my valentine ♥♥♥

I'm reposting this for a few reasons.
a) It's relevance to this time of year means that it's currently getting a lot of hits.
b) LAWAFM was a month old when I wrote it, so a lot of current readers won't of seen it anyway.
c) My opinion of the subject matter hasn't changed.
d) I'm too fucking lazy to write a new Valentine post.


Yes folks once again it’s nearly Valentines day, that special day when you and your loved one can give each other gifts and cards as a token of your affection for each other.

Or feel suicidal and socially inept because you’re single.
Well having seen some of the recent facebook status updates from single people I get the impression that’s what’s happening with them. And the coupled up ones seem to be dropping large hints.
Actually I thought that the purpose of a valentine card was to send it anonymously to someone you secretly admire ? 
Which presumably should mean that if you’re single and not entirely happy about that then you would look forward to the day when you wake up to 628 cards from would-be lovers ? For fuck sake at least postpone the hairdryer in the bath until after the postman’s been.

I still remember the first time I was given a valentine card - from a boy in school when I was about 13 - this card was HUGE and presented to me in front of all my friends. 
The people who feel suicidal because they have no-one to send them a card should try feeling how I felt when that happened, embarrassed just doesn’t even come close. 
Shamed perhaps. 
And that was nothing to how the boy that gave it to me must of felt at my initially horrified reaction, which then turned to laughter as a means of saving myself from the endless piss taking that would’ve followed from my friends if I’d even appeared to like it - I didn’t anyway. I sorta feel a bit bad about that now, I mean HOW much courage did that take ? Now I’m wondering if he ever gave anyone another card - who knows maybe he was so traumatised by the taunting that followed that he gave up on love and joined a monastery.
Kids can be vile and we were.

However as an adult I don’t subscribe to the whole valentines debacle, even when I’ve had a partner.
I think it’s just another commercial exercise for card companies and the like to make money, much the same as mothers day and fathers day really.
Except that as mothers day approaches you don’t suddenly see people writing “oh my gosh I must have a baby otherwise all my friends will be getting cards and I’m just going to be sat at home alone with nobody to breast feed and a stretch mark free body”. And if anyone did they’d be told they were fucking sad and stupid, but valentines ? Seems you can feel as sorry for yourself as you like and all your friends will commiserate.
Wankers.

I’d like to think if someone loved me they didn’t need to have a date in the calendar as a reason to show me that they did. You can bring me chocolates and gifts anytime you like, and it’s much more likely to be appreciated if it’s done just because someone saw something and thought I’d like it, then because they felt like they have to as it’s the 14th feb and the fucking great huge display in the shop reminded them.

Truth is I don’t think I have a romantic bone in my body, and all that forced lovey doveyness just makes me want to puke.

Feel free to print this off and give to your loved ones.

(Great idea Jamie)

I don’t really like cut flowers either - essentially if you give someone flowers you’re giving them something that’s dying a slow death, so anyone who dares to bring me flowers is getting treated a bit scornfully. 

I’d once had this massive argument with a boyfriend two days before valentines - not that I was even aware of the date, like I say it’s never bothered me and it never will - its all the facebook comments that prompted me to write this. 

But, we’d had this row that I started because really I wanted to finish with him, but the fucker had walked out in the middle of it and not been seen since. Presumably thinking I’d forget about it (no fucking chance, I’m like an elephant, and that is not a reference to my huge arse). So anyway there’s a knock on my door and there he is - holding this large bunch of flowers.

Four things there I got an issue with :

1. Him.
2. The CUT flowers.
3. The that fact he walked out on the row.
4. I think he got the flowers as he thinks they’re gonna make me forget about issues 1-3.

Lets just say he moved off my doorstep pretty quick….swiftly followed by the flowers. My friend (his housemate) rang me a while after telling me what a bitch I was because he got them for valentines and not to make up for the row.
Silly cunt shoulda got me chocolates…at least I might’ve been nice to him while I ate them.

And there’s another pressure there really - if you are part of a couple on valentines day what exactly should you get for a present ?
I’ve noticed a few people who seem to be having problems with this. How much of a gesture is too much, or not enough ? Given that if you do it’s supposed to be an expression of love what if your relationship is still quite new and the L word hasn’t even entered into it yet ?
I knew someone whose boyfriend had said he was getting her something very special and the silly mare got herself all excited and was convinced that he was going to propose. So much so that before the big day had even arrived she was talking bridesmaids and bought one of those wedding magazines….turned out the present was a collectors item teddy bear.
For ages afterwards if I saw her I always said the same thing “lets see your ring then Julie…oh no, sorry, I meant your teddy “.

I think I’m better off remaining cynical about the whole thing
Even if being single means I have no choice.

Anyways I’ve rambled on enough about this, plus I have to go and sweep the path ready for the postman - you never know..........

Update : after posting this a friend made a valuable suggestion regarding the issue of what to buy a loved one for valentines day, "you can never go wrong with lube. It's never out of fashion and comes in a variety of colours and flavors. Lube, the gift that shows you care". 

Thanks Jamie.



withdrawl

I am cured.

I feel like I have been to rehab.

I deleted my Facebook.

It wasn't done with the intention of being permanent. The plan was to delete it for a while, then once people realised I had gone reactivate it and have a major cull of the fucking idiots people without them realising and getting offended and shitty about it.
Just keep it for close friends and family and people I actually like.
Not nosy cunts and perverts acquaintances who just want to look at the pictures. Or invite me to social events with people I can't fucking stand, and then even after I've said I have bubonic plague not attended the event I still see endless pictures of the drunk morons who did go on my page.
When I get back from my epic holiday I don't want them looking at my snaps - but I do want to share them with some people, and it's too sodding tedious picking who can and can't see albums.

And as amusing as I find certain people - the ones that have made an appearance or two here, it was getting really fucking annoying when every time I checked it I had a feed full of their inane drivel.

I guess my real friends will just have to go back to the old fashioned way of keeping in touch with me.

Like actually coming round for a coffee.
Or picking up the phone.
Do people still do that anymore ? Or do they just send you a virtual drink ?

I haven't missed it at all, in fact the only thing I have considered since - apart from never using it again - is that I will no longer have stuff from there to share on here.
And it does make for entertainment.

But then I was having a look at ebay - yeah I'm still trying to find a magic slimming, youth giving bikini - and I found some new entertainment.
I know all about the idea that one man's rubbish is another man's treasure, I've realised that from the utter crap that I've left outside my house only to find it gone in the morning.
But really.
Take a look . . . .

What the fuck is this ?

Apparently it's an old fashioned salt dispenser.
Really ?
That's not what it looks like to me.
FYI I was looking for Spice Racks.

How about getting some old fashioned Christmas pudding charms, I don't know about elsewhere in the world but traditionally in the UK you put them in the pudding for people to choke to death on find as they eat it.
When I was a child my Mum tried to kill us with used silver six pence pieces in ours, but originally the charms were used. I was looking for some to give to my sister, as I'm not going to be home at Christmas I'm making a little parcel up for her and I found this.

Happiness ?
And yeah I know that before the nazi's adopted it the swastika was in fact a lucky symbol, it still is in Indian culture, but this was MADE IN ENGLAND and it's old but not that old, and it's on sale on ebay NOW.
Hurry up and you could be the proud owner. Just make sure Grandad who fought in the war doesn't get the wrong piece of pudding.
He really will choke on it.
I guess you can always tell people the Germans got him in the end.

I have also been looking for some shorts for my holiday.
Search" shorts size 14 " and look what it found for me. . .

Should I get a pair of them for the beach ?

I found this next thing hilarious.
I'm not entirely sure if it's in the best taste, it might even be a bit inappropriate or offensive to some, but that's probably part of the appeal, for me anyway.

I'm gonna order one anyway. MLK is about to go where no man has gone for quite a while.

There is also an unbelievable amount of varieties of toilet roll on ebay. Quite literally any colour and design - not just the novelty crossword, sudoku and bank note ones that you see in most joke shops.
For English football fans here's a way to show the team what you really think of their performance.

And one for the Americans out there. . .

Hilary can go where no man has gone before.

And this just makes no sense.
How this person hopes to make a sale is beyond me.

Thank you ?
For what.
Not paying ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY NINE quid for something I don't even know if I want because you haven't even got a fucking picture.

It seem's that fuckwits don't just confine their activity to Facebook.

And that last line . . . "this is a stool". . . no prizes for guessing what that made me think about.

If I saw this hanging outside someone's house I think I'd walk away.
Especially if it was in Scotland.

I've also started using Twitter a bit more lately, there's a link on the right if you fancy joining me on there (and one for G+) - not that I've posted much myself I just follow other bloggers and stalk a couple of famous people.

But last night I went to log in and it showed me this. What the fuck ?

It's a fucking huge website.
How can it be 'over capacity' ? What does that even mean ?

Ah well, I just hope the idiots who stick all those boring crap status updates on Facebook every five minutes don't decide to join it. It will probably explode.

countdown

A few things have pissed me off already this week, and it's only Wednesday.
First up was some stupid idea I heard being talked about on the news to offer all pregnant women the option of a C section, even when there are no expected problems. Why ? Who in their right mind is going to choose a potentially dangerous (as are all ops) procedure with a six week recovery period, over a natural process that most women recover from pretty quickly.
Lazy cows who think they are too posh to push and scared young girls who shouldn't be having a baby anyway, that's who.

Then there was the stupid fuckwit on the train who in the course of a twenty minute journey rang four people to tell them about his sick dog and the discharge it was producing. (Nice, bet a few people on that train didn't want their dinner when they got home). He also kept saying that the dog needed to be 'spayded' - I really don't know how I stopped myself from shouting IT'S SPAYED YOU FUCKING MORON - and that he was now thinking about getting rid of the dog.
Obviously he had it just for breeding too.
Yeah not even gonna go there with how I feel about people who do that.
Pets are pets not money / baby making machines.

I am also pissed off at a new TV series I started watching which is not doing anything for the image of young black people who live in inner city estates.
Anyone wanting to have a few stereotypes reaffirmed should watch Top Boy. It may well be an accurate representation of life for some in a sink estate. . . but I bet a lot of people watching it are thinking that's EXACTLY how ALL young black men live their lives.

However I am feeling pretty buzzed up too, as it's now just five weeks until I'm heading off for a month in the sun and I feel like the countdown has begun. I'm not gonna let the annoyances get to me.
There's been a few things that have amused me too.

Sometimes in the morning a young blind man and his guide dog get the train, he's sat by me a couple of times and we've had a chat. His dog is still a puppy really, and he's not had him long so is still teaching him. Today he sat further down the train and I could hear someone asking him questions, this person clearly didn't know much about guide dogs and he asked the guy. . .
"How do they know where to go, do they learn the addresses of places ?"
And the reply,
"He's a dog, not a four legged furry Sat Nav".

I laughed out loud at that.

Watching a quiz show on TV with the four year old granddaughter at work, someone answered "USA"
"What's the USA Cowgirl ?"
"It means America, it's proper name is the United States of America"
"Don't be silly, you can't eat it, it's a country not a steak".

I've also got a couple of Facebook moron classics to share.
There is so much wrong with this I don't even know where to start. . .

Do male cows get milked ?
Well yes they do, but not for anything you'd want to drink.

The male has more downstairs ?
What ? Like a coffee table and a corner unit.

Don't know about bulls - but I can see plenty of bullshit.

And Thick Bird, she whose lack of intelligence has featured here a few times before has been at it again, having yet another dig at her children's father.
And once again I couldn't resist having a dig at her.

I love the fact that she doesn't even realise I'm having a dig back, I was actually about to type another comment under this.
"My door is stuck, do you think Steve could come round and loosen it for me ?"

But he beat me to it, and I reckoned he deserved to get the last word when I saw this. . .

What a winner.

I also saw this on FB today.
I know that advertisers are supposed to tell the truth, but isn't this taking it a bit too far. . .
Even though I agree.

He certainly is.

I'm off to look for bikinis on ebay. I'm hoping to find one that makes me appear three sizes smaller and ten years younger.

moronbook

There is this person on my facebook friends list who pretty much sums up the reasons why a lot of people are getting increasingly bored with it - that is the people who think we care about / feel the need to share every dull boring moment of their mundane life with the internet.

She's on my list because of her being a friend of a friend, which means that I have been forced to suffer had the pleasure of her company on a few nights out for birthdays etc, and since photos were taken and 'tagging' required she added me.

I keep her there because she never fails to remind me that my life is not as boring as I might think it is at times. 

And because she makes me feel intelligent.

Last week I checked my fb early Weds morning and saw this,

And they're going to be even later now that you felt the need to stop and tell facebook about it.
Why ?
In this situation most people would be thinking I need to phone the school not I need to update my status.
And why do you have to get a taxi anyway ? The schools not far from her house. Most people walk their kids to school, she's always moaning about having no money too. . . wonder why.

I saved that because I have started a post about bad parenting, but when I got to work I checked again and she had posted twice since. One about doing her housework (yawn) and the next one . . . .

And so as much as she fucking bores me she has become the topic of an entire post.
I don't blame you if you want to stop reading now.
But then why do I have to suffer alone. . . everyone who has a facebook account probably knows at least one person just like this moron.

His name is Jeremy you twat.

Seems I'm not the only one who thinks she's stupid. And she doesn't even realise when people are taking the piss, when I got home later I looked again and she had replied to me "lol I know".

And soon after she had posted this, yet another do we need to know moment.

Is her bath German ?

This was followed by three posts telling us that she was "going to get the kids from school" (another taxi), that the kids were "watching tv" and that she was "having a lovely cuppa and custard creams".

How the fuck does she cope with that much excitement in one afternoon. 

Then this. . . 

Followed by a post about the "yummy pizza and chips". . . . that's some healthy lifestyle example she's setting her kids. I suppose the tomato sauce counts as one of your five a day and the walk from the school gates to the cab is exercise.

She never replied.

Now I know I shouldn't mock someone's grief, she lost her Nan, over a year ago mind you, but she is forever posting these 'memorial' things to her. And she ALWAYS makes this same spelling mistake. I have wanted to make this comment so many times, and resisted, but because I was saving these for this post I decided that this was the day it had to be done.

Again no reply.

Then an hour later. . . . 

Probably trying to work out what obtuse means.
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TELLING US ??

Seriously, who cares.

This fuckwit is forever having arguments with the father of two of her children (she has four) and posts all about it, but then when people comment saying stuff she doesn't agree with she tells them it's "none of their business".
Then complains about people sticking their noses in. Also via fb status.
Yet she doesn't seem to grasp the fact that if you put your business out there OF COURSE people are going to know about it, because the other thing she is always moaning about is how everyone seems to know all her business.
I kid you not.
Fucking hypocrite.
I would delete her but I find it entertaining in a warped way, a bit like watching a car crash.

And before some smartass sheep decides to point this out to me I do know that writing this post makes me something of a hypocrite since I am forcing you lot to view it with me.
But I did say you should stop reading up there ^.

I often find that when I see or hear something that provokes me thinking or if something occurs in my life, I think "I'll blog about that". But while it might not be everyone's idea of interesting I only really do that if I feel there is a 'story' to be had from it. Or an essay.
But I wonder about the mentality of these idiots who seem to think that the world at large care what they had for dinner or watched on the telly, and feel the need to update their status every time they move off the sofa or change the channel. They seem to run with the idea that Facebook 'lets you share with your friends' and take it way too far, heaven help us if they decided to take up blogging too. Endless posts about how good Eastenders was last night and the queue in the post office.
(I honestly think I'd prefer to read a fashion blog).
Actually since most of them struggle to put a coherent sentence together that's not very likely.

As my Mum used to say "If you have nothing interesting to say then say nothing".
I prefer "Shut the fuck up".

This wasn't a very interesting post so I'll practise what I preach and shut the fuck up too.

phone a friend

Hey people ! I have been given a new alter ego by my blogger pal Powdered Toast Man.
I am. . . Ivonna Bangkok.
And he invited my new persona to guest over on his blog Just The Cheese. Hop on over and have a read. . . it's way more interesting then the drivel you're gonna read if you stay here today.

But if you still want to then here goes. . . .

I'm not a stupid person when it comes to intelligence, but I have a tendency to do dippy stupid things and sometimes not see the obvious until it's stared me in the face for a hour then given up and left. I often have days that are a catalogue of one disaster after another, usually quite trivial things on their own but when 447 all happen in the same day I have to wonder if it's just me.

I had this little issue last night, and when I told a mate about it the response was 'only you' and 'why am I not surprised', so I thought I'd tell my flock about it.

Just so you know what you're dealing with.

I may have mentioned once or twice that I am utter crap at getting up in the mornings nocturnal. This is fine with my job, sometimes I'm a bit late but then sometimes I stay a bit later, but there have been a couple of days when I have failed to wake up until the afternoon. My boss (who is a friend) has just laughed about it (dream job huh ?) but that doesn't mean that I don't feel bad. I do.

I need one of these to get me up.

In that respect it would be easier if I didn't work for a friend, because then I wouldn't feel like I'd let her down.
Except if I didn't I would've been fired.
Months ago.

As of this week there has been a change in her circumstances which mean that it's going to be really helpful to her if I can get in much earlier a couple of days a week. She hasn't asked but I offered as it feels like a great way to make up for all the times I've not turned up until 3pm been a little late.

Today was the first day, so I asked her to call me and wake me but to use my landline not the mobile, I use that as my alarm anyway so I know sometimes it doesn't work.
I hear it in my sleep and tell myself to ignore it, I actually remember doing that. Often.
I never use the landline - if it wasn't needed for broadband I would get rid, but with this in mind I had it in my head that I needed to call it and check it worked as Son was home last week and I could sort of recall him saying it didn't.
I forgot all about this until I was going to bed, later then I wanted to - fucking internet sucked me in again, and by this time I was knackered. So I call it from my mobile and it doesn't ring.
It's cordless but when I looked at the cradle the phone wasn't in it although the charger was plugged in, so I figure it must be the phone that rings and it's battery must be dead.

Half an hour of searching the house and I found it . . . on the pile of DVDs next to the charger.
Minus one battery.
It has special rechargeable ones so I spend another half an hour digging through all the little places it could be - even got the torch out and looked under the sofa.

Then it occurs to me that ordinary batteries might work so off I go to find some. No luck, until I remember where I do have some.
Ah well . . . there goes the bedtime treat.
I put said batteries in phone, put it on the charger and the little red light blinks. Result . . .
. . . and ring it. Still not working.
MOTHERFUCKER.

Then I wondered if I was ringing the wrong number. My sisters old number was very similar and I was forever getting them mixed up, especially as I never call my number. Except I don't have it stored on my phone and by now it's midnight and far too late to call anyone else. But I need to get the right number and text my boss so she can call me in the morning.
It's now so late and I'm so tired I KNOW I won't wake up without her doing so.

I texted Son. . . wait 15 mins. . . no reply. Knowing that he probably has his laptop on but as he lives in a shared flat has likely got his headphones in I fire up the laptop and facebook him.
Wait 15 mins. . . no reply.
The only other place I can think of to check it is the website of the phone/internet provider. I try to get on there and realise I forgot the fucking password and username.
So I have to go through the entire verification process which takes another half an hour because their stupid fucking site was running slow.
"Please be patient we are dealing with your request".
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IT'S ONE IN THE MORNING YOU PRICKS. . .
Eventually I get onto the site only to find out that the number I have been calling is the right one.
Fuck.

There is only one thing for it, I will have to stay up all night.
Sometimes I do this anyway. . . anyone who I chat to in the forums knows that, but last night I was exhausted. And when an insomniac does eventually sleep it's more like a coma.
Somewhere in my bedroom is a bottle of slimming tablets so I figure I'll dig them out and take a couple. At least when I get home from work the next day my house will be very very clean even if I'm too knackered to enjoy it.

And if get bored I can always return the batteries to the appliance I got them from.

So I decided - two hours after I was originally going to bed - that I may as well have a soak in the bath instead of a shower being as I've now got six hours to kill.
Whilst I'm laying there I was thinking about what Son had said about the phone, you know that feeling when something is nagging at your brain ?

Then I got it.
He said "It's not plugged in". I had taken that to mean the plug for the charger which was the first thing I had checked.
He meant the actual phone socket.

Duh.

This fucker.

Only I wouldn't even think to check the one thing most people would check first.
I plug it in and ring it and it works.
Great !!!
Except when I took the handset upstairs to get some sleep (at 2.30am ffs) and looked at it I realised that it actually has a built in alarm function that works independently of it being plugged in as long as it has battery charge.

Did I feel stupid.
Yeah. And very very tired.
But at least not as stupid as this person.

As you can see I left a suitable comment.

Last night I tried my own patients too.

Update: I made it to work an hour and a half earlier then usual as planned.
That is the time I'm supposed to get there usually, not the time I usually get there,

what exactly were you hoping to see ?

. . . . or the post in which I whore my own blog.

How much attention do you pay to your stats ?

When I first started this blob I checked them every day -  it fascinated me that I could see where people were viewing it from, in fact it amazed me that anyone was reading it at all. It was for the same reason that I added the revolver map and Feedjit, but nowadays to be honest I really don't take that much notice.

Apart from 'Search Keywords'.

Constant source of hilarity that they are.
And often oddly pornographic . . . sometimes via Feedjit I can see which post their search led them too and it's usually not what they were expecting that's for sure.

One of my most popular posts is called "who wants to be a porn star" and I am forever seeing that listed on Feedjit. I'd love to see the faces of the pervs who look at it hoping for something entirely different to what they find.
"Jobs as a porn star"
"Home made porn films"
"Girlfriend fucking films"
"Everyone is making porn"
"Filmed me and my wife fucking"
"Porn made in Kenya"

Recently someone searched with "I want to fuck my neighbour" and was taken to love they neighbour, which is me moaning about the noisy bastards that live next door. And yeah it mentions that I can hear a lot of what goes on in their house, but as much I'd like to shoot their fucking noisy barking dogs I have no interest in fucking them . . . other then off.

I am also slightly concerned at the page views I get for my piss-taking facebook for the middle east post from Arabic countries, and last week it got one from Islamabad. If I disappear can someone please call in the SAS, but first check with MI5 that I haven't been hauled in for questioning.
And if that has happened by the time you read this can someone please start an Internet campaign to get me released.

Cowgirl is innocent. . . . sort of.
(Don't mention the shop lifting)

I have two posts that have marriage in the title and I often see that people have viewed these from India, one is a rather satirical post about my impending arranged marriage and the other has a bit of royal wedding bashing. I keep wondering if one of those people is going to make me an offer I can't refuse, but it's been a very long time since either post was commented on so I guess they weren't impressed.

Just before I went on holiday I read something in the help forums about Google Analytics and having looked at the site and what it does I added it to my blog. Totally forgot I'd done that until earlier this week when I saw the site saved in my favourites. It gives ALL the keywords, not just 10 as the stat page does and some of them are beyond strange.

autocunnilingus : scary godmother porn : furry bondage : mrs lube : rohypnol fuck : cat bitch slapper : make nipples longer : dog humping woman : girl in shopping cart : girl fucks gorilla : arse on fire : gay sailors : yeah nah you're a cunt : Mississippi handbag : smoking frogs : fuck the ducks : anti nazi shirt : bumps on my lip : hot and tight demotivational posters : do nuns finger themselves : naked paintball : pimples on my penis

I could go on - there are over 1000, as puzzling as it is how some of these have directed people here I'm even more concerned about what some of them were really looking for.
I'd recommend adding analytics just for the entertainment it provides.

And my all time favourite keyword . . .  "Dog shoulder diagrams"

If you can find a post that relates to that phrase in this blog then you are better then me because I have never figured that one out and I wrote the fucking thing.


And finally this weeks pick of the bunch from my super intelligent facebook friends.

Well go away and do it quietly then.
Ironically the person who posted this is one of the few women I know who makes me seem quiet.

I replied to this,
"Is she doing art? "
What I wanted to say was "shame you never went".

I'm still waiting for a response.

On a completely unrelated topic I have been to the cinema tonight. Went to see The Inbetweeners movie, this will only mean something to UK readers - but go and see it, funniest thing I've seen in ages.

on the up

Yesterdays post was a bit depressing, sorry about that.
But hey - my blob - my brain.
Sometimes reading this is like reading my mind. Be glad for the moodiness because it's also liable to get warped and confused at times and I don't think google translate is programmed to cope with that.

Enough of that anyway I'm done with the moping and feeling sorry for myself, thanks perspective, and I have just seen something on Facebook that had me laughing out loud and the grammar troll in me slightly irritated all at the same time.

Installed what exactly ? And where ?
A new kitchen perhaps.
Or maybe something's been installed in the week. If it's an extra day on the weekend I want one too.
It's IN STORE you fucking moron.

And none of the people who commented appeared to spot the mistake, so either they're all just as stupid or laughing at her too.
That's not very nice is it.

My tolerance for stupid people has never been very high, but it's this kind of ignorance that amuses me the most. And as long as I'm laughing I feel less inclined to punch them so everyone wins. I can tolerate the kind of people you can take the piss out of to their faces and they don't even realise you're doing it. And the ones that need jokes explained to them, then laugh even though you can see they still don't get it.
Highly amusing.
One of the joys of Facebook is the way it's sometimes even more apparent.
I'm pretty sure I mentioned this in a previous post but my favourite example was the guy who proudly stated as his favourite quote " Seas the day".

He's possibly still doing so, I wouldn't know - he deleted me.
Can't think why, I was only trying to help.

I have this friend who falls into this category - entertainingly thick - he is the nicest guy but what he has in heart and generosity only makes up for the lack of brains and common sense.
When the movie Borat first came out he and I were chatting and I asked him if he'd seen it, he had but said he didn't really think it was funny and hadn't watched it all the way through. I was a bit puzzled by that as me and him do have a similar sense of humour.
He said, with a look of disgust on his face, that he was surprised that I found it so funny.
"I don't like him, he's a bit racist and sexist at times, and you can see he means it too"

Yup, Pete thought Borat was a real person.

High Five.

When I explained it was a spoof his face looked like he'd just had a revelation.
I suppose he had.

Talking about Borat - and this will mean nothing if you haven't seen the film (you should) - reminds me of another story. I had leant the DVD out to my friend Shan but she hadn't gotten round to watching it. She has a brother who is away at University but sometimes spends the weekend with her.
So this particular night she had gone out and left her brother and a mate in her flat, they decided to watch the film and when a drunken Shan returned she walked in her front room just as the scene with Borat and his manager in the hotel room was on.
Apparently she opened the door, screamed, and left in a hurry. She thought she had walked in on her brother and his mate watching gay porn.

Bad enough getting your words mixed up but your bothers sexuality ?
Oops.

A long time ago I got friendly with a woman who lived a few doors away from me. She was another person with a heart of gold and no brains. One day she was in my house when my then boyfriend and two of his friends were having a conversation about cars as one of them was trying to decide which make and model to buy. June decided to join in as she was taking driving lessons at the time.
"So when you get your licence what type of car are you thinking of getting June ?"
"A blue one"

One day I went to her house and she was hunting around her living room, I asked what she was looking for.
"I've lost the moke"
"The what ?"
"The moke"
"I don't know what you mean, what's a moke ? Tell me and I'll help you look"
She looked at me like I was stupid and said,
"The moke control for the telly".

Now she was truly thick.
She provided me with hours of entertainment and she didn't even know.
That status I saw today got me thinking about her, it was a long time ago but I'm sure I'll remember some of the other things she used to come out with later.

Yeah, I think I feel better now.

Back to the bitching I go.

i call these people friends...?

But first this weeks award for most annoying fuckwits.

Charity collectors who have knocked my door three times this week. And every time just as I am eating dinner. Christian Aid, Cancer Research and Save the Children all you're getting from me is a big fat mouthful...and not in a good way. I'm gonna stick a sign on the front door that says FUCK OFF !!!

So anyway, since I've been back at work I've hardly looked at facebook, it has occured to me to delete it - just so people stop sending me messages and stuff that I'm not likely to see. Maybe they could use the old fashioned way and send me a message on my phone, but I do have a few friends and family members on there that I really don't have time to see in the real world so I changed my mind and decided to keep it.

And of course I can stalk son and his new life abroad.

I admit that during my extended time off work I did pass a fair amount of time on facebook, mostly chatting to people - I was never one for posting nonsense or playing fucking stupid games. If I want a cafe or a zoo or a farm I'll go visit a real one, and I'm not remotely interested in your Mafia. If you want to give me a cake I expect to be able to eat it - what use are virtual calories when you got curves to maintain ? And unless I can laugh at the monkeys I don't see the point in having a zoo. The only good thing I can see about it is virtual shit probably doesn't stink.

But as today is a friends birthday and I wanted to message them (yeah, I know, I'm a fucking hypocite) I decided to log in an hour ago and saw the following in my newsfeed.

And I thought my life was exciting.

Well maybe if you tried counting sheep instead of facebook friends ? And why tell facebook, try temazipan. Still I suppose if I was having trouble sleeping I could just read your page.

Surely you should have your eyes on the road not your phone ? Waiting for next update "crashed car and broke my leg bring grapes". This just gives a whole new meaning to the term stupid, not just breaking the law but broadcasting it.

So who do you think is gonna be awake to see this - never mind care ? FYI they didn't have a good day, there was another post about breakfast an hour later (wtf), followed by more - unless a 'good day' is one where you post 35 crap status updates.

Are you trying to tell us you're dirty ?



Unless you choked on them I don't wanna know.



How do you manage your busy life ? Must be exhausting.

Seriously people, what makes them think anyone is interested.

And this . . . . just makes me want to never look at Facebook ever again.

Never mind cut your bunions off I'm hoping someone cuts your internet connection.

Am I missing much ? Am I fuck.
Do I really want to keep in touch with these people ?

Maybe not.

And who in their right mind likes these things ? Don't they realise it's just gonna encourage them.

culling time

Week two of work done.

I think I’m getting in the stride of this now.

I’ve been neglecting the internet although I've not missed it.

I’ve hardly looked at Facebook for the last two weeks, in fact there’s been a couple of evenings I logged in and couldn’t be bothered.

Funny how quickly you can get bored of something.

And how totally addicted some people are.

I find it odd that I’ve had inbox messages on FB asking if I’m OK. My real friends know where and how I am. Surely if a person isn’t online that means they are busy in the real world, getting on with life and therefore more then fine.

Whereas logically if they were forever on in the daytime that would mean they were stuck at home and more likely to be unwell.

Whilst I admit Facebook does keep me in touch with some people that I would otherwise have no contact with, I think for a lot of people it’s become more real then the world outside their front doors. Do they prefer chatting via msn to actual conversation. Is staying in on the computer the new going out ?
Not in my world.

I think a friend cull is in order.

Funny how spending time away from something enables you to see it through different eyes.

Who the fuck are these boring cunts who think it’s interesting to post hourly updates of their fucking boring every day activities.

And why the fuck are they on my list.

Do I care that you’re hungry/ tired/have a cold/ got wind/ had a cheese sandwich/ sat on the bus ?
Nope.

Fuck off and get a life, take some pictures (and not of your kid dribbling or your dog in the park) and I might be bothered to look.

It's full of idiots and stupid people and they annoy the crap out of me.
I have just seen a perfect example of this :

Thick Bird’s Status : “you think you’re clever posting status about me and hiding behind facebook - you know who you are and if you’ve got something to say about me say it to my face”

Me : “can you not see the hypocrisy in writing that here Thick Bird”

Thick Bird : “Eh ?”

Thick Bird : “I’m pissed of with XXXX she keeps writing stuff about me on here”

Me : “Exactly”

Thick Bird : “What do you mean Cowgirl, and why haven't you been on here lately”

I’ve logged out.
I can’t even be bothered to fuck with her head.
She’s on the cull list.

stalking made easy

I’ve never had a real life stalker, well not to my knowledge.
Which does mean that if I have then mine was a good one. Or possibly still is.

As far as I’m aware the closest I came was an ex who would suddenly appear in certain places he knew I was in the habit of going to. He wasn’t exactly stealth about this though, in fact he’d be shouting to me the minute I walked in the pub/ club/ café. I was just glad he didn’t know which beauty salon I used.

Can just imagine it now, me on the couch getting my nether regions waxed and….........................




fyi, I am not really this hairy

I did once have this fella that I’d chatted to for an hour on msn, then decided he was boring. Every day for about three weeks after, each time I logged in he’d left me a message.
Eventually it stopped being funny so I emailed him and told him I wasn’t interested nor would I ever be.

Yeah, I know I coulda just blocked him but my inner bitch wanted to be mean.

Half and hour later I got an email from him entitled “I hope this makes you change your mind”.
In my dating site profile where I'd met him it said I liked men with shaved heads, although his wasn’t.
When I opened the email there was a picture of him with a newly shaved head.
Not only a stalker but desperate.
And blocked.

However with Facebook we have a new breed of stalker entirely.
And these ones don’t even try to hide the fact that they’re stalking you.

I’ve been very sort of guilty of that myself….if it’s a fit fella.
I’ll perv look at his pics, see if he’s single and have a stalk peep to see if he’s a flirt or a fraud.
And I’m female, I love a bit of juicy gossip as much as the next nosey bitch and some people just love to put their whole lives up for all to see.
People are often a bit more transparent online.
Even the fake accounts…cos that tells you a fucking lot about a person.

Well it tells you they’re hiding something - might not be bodies under the patio but I’m not taking any chances.

But the kind of stalkers I’m on about - and I’ve had a few of these, are the people who are vague acquaintances, you might not know them that well, but there’s no real reason to not add them.
Then it starts.

Cowgirl is fucking fucked off and fed up and I hate the fucking world FML.
Creepy Friend of a Friend Likes This   
You like that I’m clearly having a shitty day ?
Of course you do, you like every fucking thing I do on here.

Seriously if your status was ‘I’ve just done a massive fart and followed through’ they’d like it.
Then they start commenting, usually with an lol at the end, even if the comment wasn’t actually funny. Since when did lol become the get-out clause for annoying losers anyway ?
Then one day, you log in and see 45 notifications….
Yup, they’ve been looking at ALL your pics * and probably not for the first time, but now they’re letting you know they like them.



yes you ! creepy friend of friend

Then six of your friends message you asking who Creepy Friend of Friend is because they poked three and tried to add the others.

My friends and I also had an odd thing happen with a creep who sent me a request saying he was a friend of my mate Emma ( he was on her list) and was going to be promoting some club nights around our town, so I accepted. Then every day for about two weeks he was adding more and more - everyone thinking he knew everyone else - he didn't. And it turned out Emma didn't really know him either.
Once we had started talking about it we found out that he had asked three of my friends out on dates in the same week.

Of course with the privacy settings it’s very easy to secure your account from total strangers, but not everyone does this.
In fact I think some people don’t understand how it works.
I have a friend who was stalking checking her exes profile, she kinda let slip about something she’d read on his page, he told her she wouldn’t be able to do it anymore and blocked her but didn’t change his settings.
She just made a fake account and carried on snooping.

Although the problem with any kind of snooping is you usually end up finding out something you don’t like.
And how are you going to confront your boyfriend about the messages in his inbox without letting slip that you just happen to have found out his password ?
Or ask about the gay porn you found in the old shoebox buried at the back of his wardrobe ?

Ummm…. so, yeah….I… uh… was looking for a some toilet roll.
Don’t think so.

*If creepy friend is same sex as you these will be the pics of you having a good time with your mates.
  If creepy friend is male and opposite sex these will be all the pics where your tits look big.
  If creepy friend is female and opposite sex these will be the pics of you with your shirt off **
**Men may regard this as an opportunity rather then stalking.

I wrote this after reading a post about stalkers on another blog...please check it out, it’s quite new and very funny and has much better pictures then mine !
http://runningamak.blogspot.com/2011/02/creepy-guys-and-why-they-like-me.html

fuck you zuckerberg

So last night I found out that facebook has a line.

And I finally crossed it.

"Account disabled"

Cunts

I have appealed.
If it doesn't work I will make another account and start again. Most of the photos I had are saved elsewhere, the best videos are also on youtube, and I have a list of friends.
Said list will probably be roughly divided between people who will :

• a) Assume I finally offended one person too many and have been unfairly removed for bad behaviour.
• b) Guess I have been hospitalised or otherwise incapacitated possibly due to a revenge attack from one of the many quite possibly ginger people I have aggravated.
• c) People who will cry breathe a quiet sigh of relief that I've gone.
• d) A few that won't even notice (Bastards).

Actually I think I fell foul of the spambots due to a lot of posting on a group wall in a very short space of time, and since I wasn't actually spamming if that's so then I should be vindicated reinstated. I hope this is the case, there are many funny conversations and notes that I will be sad to lose, but it's not the end of the world.

As I'm very fond of telling people who get way too stressed about comments and posts it's only fucking facebook.

On the positive this has meant that I have spent the best part of the day in Bloggers Coffee Shop being highly entertained, the pinacle of my day being joining a cult.....

Retch, Mass, PsychoBasher, Loads and Scrappy you in particular have made me laugh as much, if not more then facebook today, and I've even had my daily dose of filth, so thank you all very much.
Top Bird
xxx

yeah up yours zuckerberg...what ever kind of a name is that anyway ??

the grammar police

I think I'm turning into a fully paid up member.

If there's one thing that really fucking winds me up it's bad spelling and grammar.

Not that mine is perfect, especially if I'm on msn or some other chat thing where I'm pretty much typing as fast as I talk . . . or trying to . . . the rate I can talk I'd need 20 fingers to keep up, it's not unknown for me to miss out entire words. Of course strictly speaking that's not spelling incorrectly, that's just being forgetful and having a brain that's slightly dysfuntional or typing when stoned.

But if I spot a mistake I correct it.

I think anyone who types at any speed will sometimes get letters jumbled, particularly when they're next to each other on the keypad. Been many times I've been using abbreviated text and said U instead of I . . . or the other way round, and I'm very fond of talking about myslef - do that one all the time. I don't even have an issue with dyslexics, you can tell they have a real problem, although I have a few friends who have this condition and they love using a computer because it has that marvelous invention - spellcheck.

No, the ones that really make me want to punch them are the fucking idiots who can't spell but think they can, and especially the people that always get the same words wrong. And spellcheck ? They're either too thick to work out how to use it, or most likely they think they don't need to.

For instance, I know this fella whose teenage daughter ended up in hospital as a result of taking mephedrone, she'd bought it in school, so he decided to start a campaign to raise awareness, very brave and noble thing to do, except he called it :

"SAVE ARE KIDS"

Grrrrr . . . this tosser set up a facebook group, organised a rally, made banners, the fucking lot. None of his close friends told him (cunts - but then I wasn't gonna point it out either). It was only when the local paper got involved that the name was changed, but even after that he was still talking about ARE kids on his facebook status.

When I belonged to dating sites I saw a few fellas who were looking for "solemates", yeah right -  are we going fishing then ? Or are you looking for someone with the same size feet ? For fuck sake sort it out. One guy sent me this really nice message, I was quite taken until it got to the end when he said if I was interested . . . "I'll let you decide where we go for are first date"
Was never gonna happen.
That's how much it irritates me.
Use your fucking spellcheck !!!
Prime example below . . . the smiley is to spare his embarassment - but possibly also an improvement, spot the irony contained in his message . . .

Another friend had as his quote on facebook "seas the day".

I like this guy so I messaged him "sea means ocean, seize means grab", his reply was quite rude, I don't remember exactly what it said, but I messaged him again and said I was only trying to save him from looking stupid. He never replied and the quote is still there.

Idiot.

Even when you try and help these poor fools they just think you're taking the piss. So I do. All the time.
As my Gran used to say " you can't help those that don't want to be helped".

Losers.