Monday, 27 February 2012

because you lot are special . . .

. . . tonight I have a bit of a treat for you.

And a favour to ask in return.

You remember I told you about my friends son who wanted to steal a dog and smuggle it in a suitcase a few posts ago ?
Just before he and his Mum left for their holiday they came here for dinner, and Son and him made a video. It's been uploaded to youtube, and Son keeps checking to see how many hits it's had. There's been a few, but I want your help it getting it out there to the masses.

I realise that I may be slightly biased, it's my Son and my friends six year old who I have known since he was a day old. But it is VERY cute.
So anyway here it is, but please go to youtube to view it so they get a hit, give them a like, maybe leave a comment, and if you think it's worth it then please share it on any other media platforms you use.
(To get it on youtube click on it again once it is playing here).

Link Removed - ask me if you want it.

Why does my kitchen look like it's bright yellow ? It's not.
And if I'd known this was going to happen I would've done the washing up.

They made another video too, but Son says he's not going to upload it unless this one gets popular. I think the other one is even funnier (it's "Sexy and I know it"), and when Stanley and his Mum come home they are coming to stay with us for a while as she has rented her house out, so they will make some more.
My boy might be going viral.
In a way that doesn't involve a visit to any clinic.

Considering some of the things that get a following on the internet I think they both should be stars, but as I said, I'm biased.
It does make me wonder though, it's like the 'blog of note' thing we have on here, most of the time there is nothing special about them that I can see.
Well apart from A Beer For The Shower, and my blogger mate Gweenbrick who guest posted for me in December, he was made BON while I was away. Both of them deserved it, but I was already following them before they got the accolade.

When you consider how many blogs there must be I do find it strange that it's so rare to find one that has followers in the thousands, or even more then a few hundred, the problem it seems is getting your blog noticed because there are some amazing writers among us who certainly should have way more then they do.
And I know there is a 300 limit on the amount you can follow, but there are other ways. Not all of my regular readers appear on the gadget, I have weirdo stalkers and perverts more in reader and email subs, so it's not that limiting the numbers.

I think that most of us find others by checking out the followers, comments and blog rolls of those we read, but that is quite limiting, and I guess is why you seem to find groups of people around the more popular blogs.
And who really has time to check out everyone who also appears on the ones you follow.

The only reason I ever comply with conditions for awards is if I have a few blogs I think are going to send me money or written by fit single men worth sharing, but even then I don't think they drive much traffic over.
(Speaking of which I just got two more...yay me ! And no, not going to share. But thanks Violet, Shea and Lily. Love you girls.)

I have been giving some thought to this. I don't want to add a blog roll, I like my template how it is - and as they work by showing the most recently updated first you may never see the ones that are fucking lazy posters don't post too often on it, and some of them are amongst the ones I like the best.
But there are some I follow that deserve more readers, so I'm taking inspiration from something I've seen other bloggers do and I'm going to make my own 'blog of the month' page. That way I can tell you a bit about it and link direct to a couple of posts.
Actually I might put two or three on it at a time.

The other reason I don't want a blog roll is because every time I see it I think of bog roll.
(For non UK readers, bog = slang for toilet)

I know whose going to be first on the page, first person to deposit £500 in my paypal can be up next.
Any takers ?

Because that video is the actual wombfruit I am going to remove this post after a week, I don't want the pervs who come here looking for "autocunnilingus" "chode penis" and "male milking" (yup, actual keywords from the last week) stalking Sons youtube.

PS Why are none of you voting in my poll ? Englands future depends on it !!

PPS For some of the best/funniest responses to a post I have ever read take a look at this.

I'll expect a cheque in the mail Brett.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

dear dave. . . again

Dear Dave,

After the last time I wrote to you I was really hoping you would consult me about any future decisions regarding this country you are driving into the ground supposed to be running.

I guess you didn't learn eh ?
What will it take for you to realise that I am always fucking right.

I don't watch the news very often and I refuse to buy the papers as I have no use for propaganda and celebrity gossip, so I haven't been keeping an eye on you.
But today I happened to read one that someone left on the train and what do I see.

Apparently you are colluding with the fucking French.
And you know how I feel about them.
If you don't then maybe you should read this.
Some plan to jointly build a pilotless aircraft with them ? WHAT IS UP WITH THAT ???
Even I, with my limited knowledge of politics know enough about their history to know that they cannot be trusted when it comes to anything to do with war.
How very ironic that the country whose attitude is usually "nothing to do with us...." whenever the rest of the world decides to get involved in a conflict in some godforsaken corner of the globe wants to build the latest in warfare technology with us.

If it's a success they will take all the credit (and no doubt cream off the profits ) and if not we will get all the blame.

And as if that isn't bad enough apparently you have struck some deal with them over nuclear power.
Doing what exactly ?
What the fucking fuck.
The sweetener for us, the British public, is that this deal will mean jobs.
Please tell me you haven't agreed to process all the nuclear waste from the country that has more nuclear power plants then any other ?

Seeing as I'm taking the time and trouble to write to you let me have a brief word about Syria. I understand that you are having meetings about the situation there. Whilst I'm sure the Syrians who are opposed to what is happening in their country appreciate the efforts of anyone who tries to help, I watched a news update the other day where a reporter was showing your picture to the people and none of them even knew who you were.
So what makes you think they are going to listen to you ?

And how can you possibly hope to resolve the situation when there are not representatives from all the different factions involved in the conflict present ?

We all know you're not likely to actually call for a military intervention, there isn't any oil in Syria.
Although I'm sure if you asked your new mates the French they might suggest you hurry up with the new plane so you can bomb the fuck out of the place, just to check it works.
It's not like they're going to let you test it anywhere they have a vested interest in after all.

And before you start telling the rest of the world how to run it's affairs perhaps you need to try and sort out the mess you're making of this country.

I'd like to thank you for listening, but I bet you don't.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

the cats whiskers

I am what some people call a "cat person".
One day I will be the crazy old bird who lives with thirty and is found dead having been consumed by her own pussy.

Having recently read a couple of pet related posts I thought I'd write one myself.

It's not that I don't like dogs, I would love to have a Jack Russell, but it's not fair to leave a dog alone all day.
I grew to love Jacks because my sister used to have one, she was a grumpy old thing (the dog not the sister) with a worse case of the mentalpause then me but such a character.
Should that be mentalpaws ?
When son was little we sometimes had her for the week-end, and she very quickly learnt the things he did that always caused me to shout at him. The end result being that as soon as she heard him kick his shoes down the stairs she would run out and bark at him before I had a chance to shout.
I learnt to watch the TV for any adverts that had the sound of a doorbell. Because if she heard one I would have to get up and pretend to open the front door to get her to stop barking.

My sister used to make matching hats for her boyfriend and the dog.
(I know what you're thinking, and yeah madness runs in the family).
One day I got chatting to a little old lady at a bus stop who had a Jack Russell and she told me that she had seen the funniest thing while walking her dog on the common. A man and a dog wearing the same hats.
I didn't tell her.

My Dad also has a Jack. Sometimes she wears my glasses.

Meet Daisy, I think she thinks it makes her look intelligent.

A cat doesn't care if you're out all day, in fact a cat prefers it when you are because then it doesn't have to share the bed / sofa / heating with you.
It only needs you to be there to feed it - in fact mine seem to be under the illusion that I only come home because they're hungry since as soon I get in the door I am expected to fill the food dish before I have taken my coat off.

Even if Son came home half an hour before and fed them.

Maybe I should show them this. As a threat.

I think those people who assume that their predisposition to perform tricks means that dogs are cleverer then cats are wrong.
I think it means they are smarter.

And don't feel the need to please or impress anyone, as the world revolves around them since they are the superior species.
Most cats think they are in fact the cats whiskers.
I have known cats that will fetch a favourite toy, and had cats that worked out how to open a door or window, and not just those that involve a push. The cat we had when I was a kid would stand on the bottom bolt of our back door and hook one paw through the handle whilst banging on the catch with the other one, at the same time he would kind of push his weight against the door until it opened.

For weeks my Mum was moaning at me and my sister for leaving the door open.
Until the day she heard it being banged and saw what the cat was doing.

When you want to teach your dog a trick it thinks "I best learn this because it makes my master happy", when a cat wants to learn something (and a cat learns a trick because it wants to - not because you want it to) it thinks "What's in it for me".
And if the answers nothing then forget it.
Who needs a cat treat when you can catch a mouse.
In fact often it's the cat that thinks the human needs a treat. You learnt to feed me so here, have a dead bird, you deserve it.

Of course just because your cat doesn't need you doesn't mean it's not going to make you pay if it feels you have let it down.
I used to have a little silver tortoise shell, her routine was to come on my bed in the morning while I was drinking my coffee for a fuss. Whether I wanted to fuss her or not.
Then I got a job that meant I was away a week at a time.
Eventually I had to put a lock on my bedroom door because her way of pissing me off showing her displeasure at me for going away was to leave a turd curled up in the middle of my bed.
The night before I came home.
Once I left that job all was fine and I no longer needed to lock the door, but when I went on holiday I came home to find a runny turd IN MY HANDBAG !!
It went straight in the bin - contents too. There might've been money in that bag but I wasn't going to look.

A couple of years ago, by which time I had another three male cats, it became very obvious that she was not happy. She hardly ate and started to look very ragged - even though the vet could find nothing wrong with her - so a friend said she would take her. Within a week she was looking happy and healthy again, obviously she wanted to be the only cat.
About a month later the same friend told me she had gone away for a week-end and came home to find a "present" on her bed.
I laughed and told her to check her bags.
Maybe I should've warned her. . .

I'm not one of those people who thinks her pets are children, but I do love them. I mentioned a few posts ago that we have recently lost one.
His name was Nelson.
Because he was a black cat Son had wanted to name him after a famous black person and I didn't want a cat called Tupac.

A few days ago Son informed me that he thought we should get another cat, as he had a dream and Nelson (he was very devoted to Son) had told him it was fine.
I said I would, but not just yet, and that when I did it would be a female.
"Ok, but we are going to call it Naomi"
"Why ?"
"Because that is Nelson Mandelas daughters name"
"Is it, how do you know that ?"
"Naomi Campbell, she's his daughter"

I'm sure I don't know where he gets his brains from.

My second favourite tshirt. 
My favourite one says "I'd like to fuck your brains out but you don't have any". A statement that is only backed up by the amount of men who read the first bit and get sleazy without bothering to read the rest.

When Son was about seven I adopted a black and white cat from a friend of a friend as it's owners were living in a third floor flat. What they failed to mention was that this cat was not neutered. The huge furry bollocks it possessed were a source of fascination to Son, who would lift up the cats tail and show his friends.
"Look, my cat has huge nuts ".
However the huge furry bollocks also meant that the cat was spraying in the house and so they had to come off.
I explained about this to Son, as he was certainly going to notice when they weren't there anymore, that the cat was going to have an operation to remove them.

The dogs bollocks ? Nah cat's are bigger.

A few weeks later Son went for a check up on his eye, he had been born with a slight squint and the treatment was to wear an eye patch for a couple of hours a day on the good eye to strengthen the other one. It was checked every month, the plan being that when there was no further improvement for three months he would have an operation to correct it.
As it turned out this appointment was the one where he reached that stage, and so after the usual eye tests we had to go and speak to the surgeon.

So there we are sat in this very posh mans office and he says,
"So young man I think it's time we brought you in for a little operation"
At which Son jumps up, grabs his crotch and says,
"You're not cutting my nuts off".

I had to explain about the cats operation.

If you really wanted to see a post about my actual cats then here's one I made earlier.

Monday, 20 February 2012


Last night I decided to go through my list of followed blogs and I have come to the conclusion that I am in fact the jinx of new blogs.
Seriously, I found eight that I started to follow when they first began that have not posted since. If it was just one or two then I wouldn't worry, but EIGHT ?
(And this is all within the last few months).

Yup, I think it might be me.

Apparently it's fine if I join an established blog, but you really don't want me to be amongst your first followers, guaranteed to make you lose your mojo faster then you can reply to a comment.

Normally when someone gives me an award I tend to just add it to the trophy cabinet award page, because I do appreciate the thought behind them, but generally I can't be arsed to don't comply with the various conditions that tend to come attached to them.
Rules are made to be broken and all that.
And anyway when they give out the Oscars do they place conditions on them ? Or tell the recipients that they have to pass them on to 45 other people ?

If I get an award I want to wallow in the glory and adulation, I don't want to pass it on and share it.
Call me selfish I don't really care.

Same applies to the tagging posts.
You end up with a feed full of posts from one of the little blog communities all saying the same thing.
But I was recently tagged by Workingdan and found another tag response I started saved in my draft posts, so since I have nothing interesting to write about I'm bored I've decided to reply to them.

Dans first.
I have to answer these questions :

1.  Of all the species in the world, which one is your favourite to eat?
I am so tempted to write one very rude word in response to this. But I won't, I'll stick with the female of the species instead and say chicken. Although I really like fish too.

That explains it then.
Surely if you're craving something you're either hungry or pregnant.

2. What is your favourite recreational substance and why?
I could actually give the same answer as I was going to use for the first question, but I know what he means so MDMA. Although it's been a very long time since I had any.
3. What is your favourite joke to tell?
I have so many - all filthy and all courtesy of my Dad, but I'll stick with this one :
What is the difference between a clitoris and a pub ?
Men can usually find the pub.
4. What do you like most about my blog?
Oh come on ! Could there be a more attention seeking question ?
I think I am supposed to make up four questions of my own and then tag some people.
Fuck that.

This is the other one, it was so long ago I can't even remember who it was that tagged me in it, but I liked the idea. I suppose if any of you are as bored as me you could do it too, being as I haven't got to think up questions to pass it on.
It was called Three. But then it would've made no sense to call it Five.

Three TV programmes that make you cry laughing.
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Pete versus Life
Peep Show

Three songs that made you cry.

Three things (not children) you consider your pride and joy.
My records and technics decks
My cats
My shoes

Three things that constantly annoy you.
Bad spelling and grammar
Rude / stupid people
Train delays

Three things you want to do before you die.
Visit Vietnam
Fly in a military jet (it has to loop the loop too).
Fuck Vin Diesel. Yeah I know, he's gay, but it's my list.

There was another dozen 'three' things, but that's quite enough of that.

I don't know if many of you across the pond will of seen the news a few weeks ago about the cruise ship that sunk in Italy, or be familiar with how inappropriate the UK press can be at times. But this is an actual front page from one of our papers a couple of days after it happened.
Unbelievable and very unfortunate.
And funny.

But then what do you expect from an English paper. . . .

Mind you, I think America has a few problems too.
I have had a feeling all along that Obama might not be quite what he seems. My original thoughts when he was being compared to Martin Luther King were that America was missing something - the man is a black moslem - surely that's more akin to Malcom X ? But apparently I was wrong.

Look at this,

Notice anything odd ?
No ? Well look at this,

That is Doctor Who and his Tardis. Now look again. . . .

Makes me wonder. . . .
We all know that the doctor changes his appearance every time he rejuvenates.
The first black president may in fact be the first black Dr Who.

But don't worry, if he does turn out to be a bad guy Batbear can save you.

As if being a bear isn't scary enough.
I wonder if he lives in a bat cave or a bear cave.

Yeah I'm rambling now.
I will leave you with this, and actual sign on the door of a chemist near where I work.

No, I don't work anywhere near a safari park.

Friday, 17 February 2012

it's not right, but it's ok

And so Whitney becomes yet another person to enter that ever increasing group of musicians who lost their lives as a result of living the high life too hard.
Of course it's tragic, but given her well publicised descent into drug and alcohol dependancy can anyone really be that surprised ?

Apparently this now makes her a legend.
Why ?
If it was a random junkie found dead lying in a back alley in a pool of vomit everyone would say they deserved it, if they bothered to have an opinion at all. Just because you're rich and famous are you immune from the reactions the rest of us would get if we decided to push the self destruct button ?
There are many people who turn to drugs as a means of escape from whatever horrors life has thrown at them and nobody gives a fuck, other then to think they are bad people.


What annoys me is the public mourning that seems to follow any of these deaths.
Why are all these idiots suddenly acting as if they lost a friend ?
Suddenly social networks are full of outpourings of grief from people who might not have even said they were a fan last week. It's like Diana syndrome all over again, everyone wants a piece of sympathy, everyone has a favourite Whitney song that they are going to torture the neighbours with play over and over, and of course once again lay the blame for her demise squarely at the feet of Bobby Brown.

Be sad for her and her family if you must, but it's not a time for more recriminations and unless you personally knew her why are you so upset ? It's true that she always had a good church girl reputation before they got together, but who really knows. And if any of these losers mourners really cared they would realise that right now Bobby is grieving and trying to help their child through the worst time of her life.
Same thing happened with Amy Whinehouse and her husband - even though she already had a bad girl rep when they got together, he still got vilified in the press for being responsible for her addictions.

That pisses me off too. Unless someone holds a gun to your head or physically forces you to take something then it's nobodies fault but your own, in fact it's not even a matter of fault, it's actually a question of choice.
Albeit a bad choice.
Snort or smoke ? Weed or crack ?
You decide.
When it comes to taking drugs for purely recreational reasons the only difference between celebrities and the rest of us is that they have enough money to afford better quality drugs and plenty of them.
More choice.
Which of course means stronger and therefore more likely to produce a dependancy far quicker.

When I first discovered the joys of getting off my face the only thing I could afford in any quantity was speed, but I bet the rich and famous can get anything they want.
I do know people who tried drugs and didn't like how they felt so never did it again.
I loved it, and during that period of my life I only had relationships with fellas who loved them too. Anyone who was concerned about my drug use could've easily looked at that and blamed the guys, but the truth was I WANTED to get smashed.
All the fucking time.
And when your life is going down that route chances are that the people you will meet and attract are on the same path. Imagine trying to have a relationship when one of you is permanently smashed and the other is stone cold sober, it would be like spending your life arriving at a party six hours late.

But mutual partying can all too easily turn into mutual destruction.
I've been there.

I think that often what causes the downfall of celebrities when it comes to drink and drugs is actually the lifestyle that enables it in the first place. There are a lot of people who like to get smashed and party but because they are ordinary folk who have responsibities like going to work and taking care of other aspects of their lives they can't be continually wasted. But when you don't have to do the mundane things that keep the rest of us grounded it must be very easy to just party all the time - and then it can all too easily become a dependency that isn't fun anymore.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the occasional joint, I used to smoke weed every day, even after I stopped everything else.
But the occasional crack pipe ? No such thing.

Personally I kind of liked bad Whitney better.
I could relate to her.
My Love is Your Love is the only CD of hers I own, far superior to all the sugary disco ballady crap she made before it.
Although I used THAT song (which I actually hate) as a child behaviour modification device.

You know how every parent has the thing they threaten their kids with to get them to stop whatever devilment they are getting up to ?
Well of course most times "The Look" is enough, but there’s always those times when parents are forced to resort to the Naughty Step or GO TO YOUR ROOM!

I had a better one.

Mine was STOP IT OR I’LL SING THAT SONG. The song in question being I Will Always Love You.
Seriously, I would just sing “iiiifff iiii ……”
And son would say,
“Alright alright I’ll stop just PLEASE DON’T SING”
Honestly, it worked. Every fucking time.

Even now he hates my singing, and I don't blame him it's truly awful, but one of the joys of parenthood is returning the embarrassment your little brat angel knowingly unwittingly forced upon you when they were small.
Has to be done.
And I've never been one to miss an opportunity for a spot of revenge.
So when Son went out and left his mobile at home I recorded myself singing the Whitney song all the way through. High screeches notes and all.

Then set it as the ringtone for when I called him.

And waited until he was round his mates a couple of days later then called him.

And for that I thank you Ms Houston. RIP.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

♥♥♥ be my valentine ♥♥♥

I'm reposting this for a few reasons.

a) It's relevance to this time of year means that it's currently getting a lot of hits.
b) LAWAFM was a month old when I wrote it, so a lot of current readers won't of seen it anyway.
c) My opinion of the subject matter hasn't changed.
d) I'm too fucking lazy to write a new Valentine post.

Yes folks once again it’s nearly Valentines day, that special day when you and your loved one can give each other gifts and cards as a token of your affection for each other.

Or feel suicidal and socially inept because you’re single.
Well having seen some of the recent facebook status updates from single people I get the impression that’s what’s happening with them. And the coupled up ones seem to be dropping large hints.

Actually I thought that the purpose of a valentine card was to send it anonymously to someone you secretly admire ? 
Which presumably should mean that if you’re single and not entirely happy about that then you would look forward to the day when you wake up to 628 cards from would-be lovers ? For fuck sake at least postpone the hairdryer in the bath until after the postman’s been.

I still remember the first time I was given a valentine card - from a boy in school when I was about 13 - this card was HUGE and presented to me in front of all my friends. 

The people who feel suicidal because they have no-one to send them a card should try feeling how I felt when that happened, embarrassed just doesn’t even come close. 
Shamed perhaps. 
And that was nothing to how the boy that gave it to me must of felt at my initially horrified reaction, which then turned to laughter as a means of saving myself from the endless piss taking that would’ve followed from my friends if I’d even appeared to like it - I didn’t anyway. I sorta feel a bit bad about that now, I mean HOW much courage did that take ? Now I’m wondering if he ever gave anyone another card - who knows maybe he was so traumatised by the taunting that followed that he gave up on love and joined a monastery.
Kids can be vile and we were.

However as an adult I don’t subscribe to the whole valentines debacle, even when I’ve had a partner.
I think it’s just another commercial exercise for card companies and the like to make money, much the same as mothers day and fathers day really.
Except that as mothers day approaches you don’t suddenly see people writing “oh my gosh I must have a baby otherwise all my friends will be getting cards and I’m just going to be sat at home alone with nobody to breast feed and a stretch mark free body”. And if anyone did they’d be told they were fucking sad and stupid, but valentines ? Seems you can feel as sorry for yourself as you like and all your friends will commiserate.

I’d like to think if someone loved me they didn’t need to have a date in the calendar as a reason to show me that they did. You can bring me chocolates and gifts anytime you like, and it’s much more likely to be appreciated if it’s done just because someone saw something and thought I’d like it, then because they felt like they have to as it’s the 14th feb and the fucking great huge display in the shop reminded them.

Truth is I don’t think I have a romantic bone in my body, and all that forced lovey doveyness just makes me want to puke.

Feel free to print this off and give to your loved ones.
(Great idea Jamie)

I don’t really like cut flowers either - essentially if you give someone flowers you’re giving them something that’s dying a slow death, so anyone who dares to bring me flowers is getting treated a bit scornfully. 
I’d once had this massive argument with a boyfriend two days before valentines - not that I was even aware of the date, like I say it’s never bothered me and it never will - its all the facebook comments that prompted me to write this. 
But, we’d had this row that I started because really I wanted to finish with him, but the fucker had walked out in the middle of it and not been seen since. Presumably thinking I’d forget about it (no fucking chance, I’m like an elephant, and that is not a reference to my huge arse). So anyway there’s a knock on my door and there he is - holding this large bunch of flowers.
Four things there I got an issue with :
  1. Him.
  2. The CUT flowers.
  3. The that fact he walked out on the row.
  4. I think he got the flowers as he thinks they’re gonna make me forget about issues 1-3.
Lets just say he moved off my doorstep pretty quick….swiftly followed by the flowers. My friend (his housemate) rang me a while after telling me what a bitch I was because he got them for valentines and not to make up for the row.
Silly cunt shoulda got me chocolates…at least I might’ve been nice to him while I ate them.

And there’s another pressure there really - if you are part of a couple on valentines day what exactly should you get for a present ?
I’ve noticed a few people who seem to be having problems with this. How much of a gesture is too much, or not enough ? Given that if you do it’s supposed to be an expression of love what if your relationship is still quite new and the L word hasn’t even entered into it yet ?
I knew someone whose boyfriend had said he was getting her something very special and the silly mare got herself all excited and was convinced that he was going to propose. So much so that before the big day had even arrived she was talking bridesmaids and bought one of those wedding magazines….turned out the present was a collectors item teddy bear.
For ages afterwards if I saw her I always said the same thing “lets see your ring then Julie…oh no, sorry, I meant your teddy “.

I think I’m better off remaining cynical about the whole thing
Even if being single means I have no choice.

Anyways I’ve rambled on enough about this, plus I have to go and sweep the path ready for the postman - you never know..........

Update : after posting this a friend made a valuable suggestion regarding the issue of what to buy a loved one for valentines day, "you can never go wrong with lube. It's never out of fashion and comes in a variety of colours and flavors. Lube, the gift that shows you care". 
Thanks Jamie.

Sunday, 5 February 2012

found it

Ever get the feeling you are being watched ?

As I'm sure I've said before, although I kind of have what some people might regard as spiritual beliefs I have never believed in God. The idea of some white haired kindly old fella sat on a cloud watching over us is just the stuff of fairy tales and myth to me. And if there was some all knowing omnipresence directing us from on high then considering the fucked up shit that happens in this world he (or she for that matter) can hardly be what you'd call benevolent.

But I have just looked at my feedjit and seen this :

Fucking hell. Someone from 'God' has looked at this blog.
I checked the stats and they came here direct too, no typing of "man fucks steak", "I need kinky sex in Goa" or "anal gadget" brought them here.
And yes, those are actual keywords from the last week.
Is there a name for people who have sex with food ? I don't want to know.
Maybe 'God' was checking up on the perverts of the world and figured LAWAFM was a good place to start. And if he or she looked at the search keywords I can understand why that mistake was made, but I am a little bit worried in case I am now going to hell.

Yeah, as if I wasn't headed there long before I even had the internet never mind a blog.
Ah well, in for a penny in for a pound. One of the things I brought back from India was some Viagra to sell, you can buy it for next to nothing over there but the tablets go for a fiver each in the UK. I'm not one to pass up the chance to make some easy money, and it's not actually illegal unlike the bag of weed I brought back from Jamaica so why the hell not.

A couple of years ago I belonged to an 'adult' dating site. That is, a dating site where people are actually upfront that they just want a shag, as opposed to 'proper' dating sites where they pretend they are single/fifteen years younger/looking for a long term relationship.
(One day I will write about the disasters experiences I had there).
There are a couple of guys I met there who I knew would buy some Viagra. I rejoined the site, found their profiles and left a message. You can't leave an email or phone number - the site filters them out, so I've been checking back every couple of days for their reply.
One of the guys got back to me in the week and said he would be online Friday night, in the 'live' chat you can give an email if you're creative..."sexy and. Horny. (all one word) Find me at the live one in UK"... so I log in to talk to him.
Which means I'm showing as online for ages, so I keep getting other fellas trying to chat.

Of course I'm gonna take a look at their profiles aren't I ?

And then I got a 'wink' from this. . . .

warning : do not scroll down if you are eating or of a weak disposition

*big enough gap to read the disclaimer before you see it*

ready ??

Bear in mind this is essentially a "find a fuck buddy" site, you would think a person would want to show themselves in the best physical way possible.
Maybe he thinks as we both obviously consider our tits to be our best feature we'll have something in common ? Nice tan you got around the neck there mate too, and no you aint gonna see mine.

Apparently his wife knows he's on the site as her "illness" means they can no longer have sex. More like she's sick of him trying to climb on top of her and his waistline is the real reason. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that it was her idea he join the fucking thing in the first place.
There was a message attached to the 'wink' that asked if I fancied a chat, I ignored it but then he messaged me again saying "I take it you don't want to chat".
"No, sorry, but I have a rule. Never talk to men with tits bigger then mine."

I might start visiting that site more often. I have a feeling there will be some glorious blog posts from it.

Or I could arrange to meet people and take one of these along with me on the dates.

That, my friends, is an ANTI-RAPE CONDOM.
I kid you not.
It is 'worn' in a vagina, and once penetrated can only be surgically removed, otherwise the spines inside it will rip the outside of your penis to shreds.
Someone sent me this picture, and I have to say it's quite possibly one of the most thought provoking things I've seen in a long time.
For a start, can you imagine living somewhere where the chances of getting raped are so high that you even need to consider wearing one ? Just doesn't bear thinking about does it. Such places do exist of course (it's things like this that only confirm my ideas about god) and apparently it was developed for use in Africa. I watched a documentary a while ago about Rwanda and what happened out there, but I'm sure in other parts of the world those things occur too.

But of course then my brain went off on it's own warped little tangent.
Going out ?
Keys. Check.
Purse. Check.
Mobile. Check.
Anti-rape condom. Check.

I know what I was like when I first got my can of Mace - (It's illegal in the UK, get caught with it and you will be charged with carrying an offensive weapon, so a mate brought it back from France) - I was walking down the road at night positively HOPING that someone would try and start trouble with me 'cos I was just dying to spray some fucker with it.
Keys. Check.
Anti-rape condom.Check.
VERY Short skirt. Check.
High heels. Check.
Slutty make-up.Check.
Enough vodka to make me look like an easy target. Check.
Yeah come on ! Rape me and see what you get you motherfucker !

And then there's that whole thing about a woman scorned. . . .
Found out your fellas been cheating ? Here's a way to make damn sure he never does it again. I know a thing or two about revenge and the lengths some women will go to. We've all got a bit of an inner psycho floating around inside us somewhere, now you can fully express that by letting it loose (no pun intended) in your vagina.

As my best mate is very fond of saying NEVER underestimate the power of the pussy.

And talking of animals I went to the shop with my friends six year old son yesterday ( I have been helping her sort out her house, as they are going away for a six month break to visit family abroad ) and there was a very friendly large dog tied up outside. He stopped to pet the dog for a bit.
So we are in the long slow moving queue in the shop and he says.
"I like that dog Cowgirl, I'd like to take it home with me"
"Well you can't, it belongs to someone, and anyway you're going away for a long time"
"I'll take it with me"
"How are you going to do that"
"I can pack it in my case"
"But it will bark"
"I'll do something to it to make it keep quiet...."
"But it will still wriggle"
"Then I'll tie it up so it can't move"
"Ok, so you're going to tie it up and gag it, stuff it in a suitcase and smuggle it. I think you will get caught and be in a lot of trouble with the police and the RSPCA".
He then got distracted by a display of chocolate for a bit, and was chatting to another little lad in the queue, which was still moving very slowly. Why do shops only have one cashier at the busiest times ? After a while he says,
"When we leave I'm gonna see that dog again and take it."
"I doubt it will still be there, we've been in here a very long time"
"I bet it is, in fact (he nods towards the man behind us in the queue) I bet it's that man's dog"
"Ask him"
"Excuse me, is that big black and white dog outside yours"
"Yeah (laughing) as a matter of fact it is"
At this he turns to me with a very self satisfied look that says I was right and you were wrong. But I had the last laugh because I explained to him that as the dog did indeed belong to the man behind us, that meant that he had heard all about the plan to steal his dog and stuff it in a suitcase.
Luckily the fella thought this was as hilarious as I did.

I think I might be back.

There were other reasons apart from the post holiday chill that occupied my thoughts.
Last Saturday we lost one of our much loved cats, and this week I have been composing possibly the most difficult post I have ever had to write.
It wasn't for this blog, but I think that I needed to get that done before I could return to normal service over here. You might remember the post I wrote ages ago about a blogger friend who was having a tough time, what I didn't say in that post was that she had a brain tumour.
I returned from India to the news that she had died, and the post I have been working on is the final one for her blog, as her sister very kindly asked me to write it, it's done now and I am very happy with the way it's turned out.
I feel like I needed to do that for her.
This blogging world we inhabit is like a separate little universe (although apparently 'god' still watches it), we form our own little communities around groups of blogs and forums, and one of mine was in mourning and tasked me with laying a blog to rest.
And as with those we lose in real life I guess you can't begin to move on until you've done that.

But yeah. . . .bring it on !!!

And now I have about a thousand blogs posts to catch up on reading.