Sunday, 3 April 2011

love thy neighbour

I fucking hate the fucking noisy cunts that live next door.
Today was my last chance for a lie in until next Saturday and they woke me up at 9am having an argument.


She is one whiny whingy stupid bitch.
I don’t agree with men hitting women ever, but I’m quite prepared to go round there and stick my fist in her face for him.
You might be inclined to say there’s two sides to every story but I hear every fucking thing she says - well screeches - at him so I KNOW it’s all down to her.
He’s a right wimp and he seriously needs to grow some bollocks.

Usually they start at night after they’ve had a drink, one night they were arguing from about 11pm until 4 in the morning when he eventually left the house. Then the fucking loser was sat on my front wall talking to her on the phone, I opened the door and told him to shut the fuck up.

During that row I must of heard him say “tell me what I’ve done” about 30 times.
Was very tempted to knock the door and ask her myself so that I could tell him and they could both be quiet or at least I’d know why I felt like I was living in Beirut.

If they start yelling at night when they’re in their bedroom and I’m in mine I stick my stereo on and treat them to Cowgirls Techno Favourites…Loudly.
And when they stop shouting I turn it down for 15 minutes (just long enough for them to start to sleep) and then I turn it up again.

I can keep that up for longer then any of their pathetic rows.

One night I did that - after listening to her scream at him for an hour - and one of the cheeky cunts banged the wall.
I went downstairs and got sons drum'n'bass CD and stuck that on.
Didn’t bother me, I had Snow Patrol playing in my headphones.

Son says she sounds like Linda Blair in the exorcist.
They’re both in their early twenties and chat to son so I told him to ask the fella if her head spins round when they’re arguing.
I prefer to ignore them, it’s better for them that way.

But the day is coming when she’ll be outside her door as I’m coming in or going out and she’s gonna ask me how I am and I’m not very good at restraining myself…….
And then I’m likely to show her how to really shout.

They also have two dogs, one of whom will bark at any fucking noise when they’re out, and I occasionally have to listen to them shagging.
The happy couple that is, not the dogs.


Luckily the sex, unlike the arguments, only lasts for about twenty minutes.
I cant help thinking there’s a connection there.
I’m very tempted to point out to him that if he could make that last a bit longer she might stay in a better mood for longer too.
But then I’d have to listen to it. Maybe I should suggest that men can improve their stamina by having sex in the kitchen.
He’s thick as shit he’d most likely believe it.

Apparently today’s disturbance started as he found her crying in the bath because they haven’t had sex for three weeks.

I know - it’s been bliss this side of the wall.

She thinks he doesn’t love her any more, quite frankly I don’t fucking blame him.

Even I can tell that neither of them are happy, but they’re young, they have no kids so I wonder why they even stay together.
I’m pretty certain if they didn’t have arguments she’d have nothing to talk about on the phone to her Mum, because I can hear her doing that too sometimes
I reckon they must like being fucking miserable.

Either that or they’re both masochists and if so I really hope they don’t decide to take that to the next level. If I have to sit here and listen to those kind of practises through the walls I’m calling the fucking noise pollution people.

Love thy neighbour ?
Not when they’re fucking inconsiderate morons I don’t.

Rant over. Thankyou for listening.


  1. Should you decide at some point to move to another place, consider throwing a lighted match next door. You might be doing an altruistic act.
    Just saying. hehe

  2. jeeeeezus ... as much as i complain about living in the 'fancy' area of town with papi's g'ma, i think it's a hell of a lot better than nasty neighbours.


  3. Haha, fucken loved it.
    Good shit DCG :)

  4. @pb, dont think I haven't thought about it.
    @Andrea, I actually do live in a nice part of time, well it was until they moved in.
    @anon, glad you approve :)

  5. while our neighbours don't fight they are loud part loving motherfuckers so i can relate to that side.

    i could write a whole essay of my own on my problems with them but ill spare you the torment and just let you know that seeing as the police are too pussy to do anything about it i occasionally consider various acts of revenge (slashed tires, egged windows, etc)

    but seeing as yours seem to be suffering anyways then uhhhh... revenge is a dish best served cold and all that eh?

  6. Ugh. Hate to say it, but me and bf were that couple two years ago. Well, not that bad... though we did into a fair share of screaming white trash fights, which I'm sure everyone in our four-family flat heard. Ours usually lasted about 30 min though. We never had that kind of energy.

  7. I've got one that leaves dead trees standing. Forever. Only apparently our local property standards fellow is either getting a little kick back or some awesome sexual favors because if you complain about the neighbor, the property standards guy harasses you!


Tell me something I don't know.
Comments are moderated so spam me and you're going in the bin.