When you’re alone or at your happiest, saddest, most vulnerable, when no-one is looking and you can take off whichever mask you’ve had to wear for the day do you like yourself.
Are you happy in your own company.
Can you bear the silence of solitude or do you need to fill the void.
I’ve always liked to spend time by myself. Probably because as a kid I was never allowed to have any.
But I know a lot of people just don’t understand that, a few friends have asked me if I feel lonely now that I’m living on my own and I can honestly say no I don’t. Some have said that I must come for dinner or that they will come and see me. Why ?
If I haven’t seen you for months why would you suddenly assume I want to see you now just because the boy moved out. I know they’re being kind, but I’m not someone who has to see her friends every day, to me the definition of a true friend is someone who you might not see for months but when you do its like you were together yesterday.
And the people that matter to me know that however long since we’ve seen each other if they really needed me, or if there was an emergency I’d be there.
Of course having had yet another fucking stupid argument with your pathetic loser boyfriend that you have no intention of dumping does not qualify as an emergency for which I will answer my phone at 4am.
Thank fuck for caller ID.
But there will always come a point when I just want to tell them to fucking sort it out.
And if I’m the one having a crisis or upset I like to be left alone to figure it out and get over it.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just a bit autistic.
People do tend to get on my nerves.
People watching however is a whole different matter - I love to do that.
I get that everybody needs some degree of reassurance, validation or approval from other people.
But to me it’s just as important to have the confidence to judge yourself honestly and measure your self worth. If it’s based solely upon the opinions of others or about how you look rather then how you feel you could be in trouble.
Or a narcissist.
Especially if those people on whom you base your esteem never see you without the mask. Who wants to spend their whole lives worrying about what other people think, and pretending to be something you’re not.
Not me that’s for sure.
|He was a lovely fella really . . .|
|He knows the awful truth.|
And then there's the version of me I turn into after a few tequilas. Which is one of the reasons I avoided work socials.
And I like spending time with me.
I think I’m fucking great.
Well if you don’t love yourself how can you expect anyone else to ?
You got to be comfortable in your skin and never forget who you really are.