Tuesday, 31 May 2011

who are you ?

When you’re alone or at your happiest, saddest, most vulnerable, when no-one is looking and you can take off whichever mask you’ve had to wear for the day do you like yourself.
Are you happy in your own company.
Can you bear the silence of solitude or do you need to fill the void.

I’ve always liked to spend time by myself. Probably because as a kid I was never allowed to have any.
But I know a lot of people just don’t understand that, a few friends have asked me if I feel lonely now that I’m living on my own and I can honestly say no I don’t. Some have said that I must come for dinner or that they will come and see me. Why ?
If I haven’t seen you for months why would you suddenly assume I want to see you now just because the boy moved out. I know they’re being kind, but I’m not someone who has to see her friends every day, to me the definition of a true friend is someone who you might not see for months but when you do its like you were together yesterday.
And the people that matter to me know that however long since we’ve seen each other if they really needed me, or if there was an emergency I’d be there.

Of course having had yet another fucking stupid argument with your pathetic loser boyfriend that you have no intention of dumping does not qualify as an emergency for which I will answer my phone at 4am.
Thank fuck for caller ID.

Don’t misunderstand me, I love my friends, but I don’t seem to need them or their company as much as they seem to need mine. I’ve always been someone that people turn to in a crisis, and when they do I’m a voice of reason or a shoulder to lean on for as long as they need it.
But there will always come a point when I just want to tell them to fucking sort it out.

And if I’m the one having a crisis or upset I like to be left alone to figure it out and get over it.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just a bit autistic.
People do tend to get on my nerves.
People watching however is a whole different matter - I love to do that.

I get that everybody needs some degree of reassurance, validation or approval from other people.
But to me it’s just as important to have the confidence to judge yourself honestly and measure your self worth. If it’s based solely upon the opinions of others or about how you look rather then how you feel you could be in trouble.
Or a narcissist.
Especially if those people on whom you base your esteem never see you without the mask. Who wants to spend their whole lives worrying about what other people think, and pretending to be something you’re not.
Not me that’s for sure.

He was a lovely fella really . . .
Everyone puts on an act at some point. It might be for an entirely acceptable reason like an interview or meeting a partners family for the first time, but sometimes it’s because we are guilty of something that we need to cover for.
Often in interviews with friends and relatives of criminals they will say they had no clue because he or she was such a lovely person, and they will be genuinely shocked when the patio gets dug up or they see the wife of their esteemed relative covered in bruises.

In those circumstances you gotta wonder which is the real person. Strip away their masks and there’s something not very nice underneath.

He knows the awful truth.
How some people manage to live two or more entirely separate lives is beyond me. And often when that’s the case there’s deceit involved, although if you’re the person with three partners thinking you’re not gonna get found out then the person you’re deceiving the most is probably yourself.

And if you get a call asking you to appear on Maury’s show then be afraid.

Your mask isn’t gonna save you from a lie detector.

Of course we all have different facets to our lives, and it’s perfectly normal to be a different person at work to who we are with our family and friends. In most of my previous work roles I would have a professional persona for dealing with social workers and funders that was very different to the person I was when I was taking the kids for a trip to the zoo or running a youth club.

And then there's the version of me I turn into after a few tequilas. Which is one of the reasons I avoided work socials.

But when I get home at night and shut the door that’s when I'm really me.
And I like spending time with me.
I think I’m fucking great.

Well if you don’t love yourself how can you expect anyone else to ?
You got to be comfortable in your skin and never forget who you really are.


  1. it astounds me when i find out certain people whom i thought were strong and brave end up being afraid to be alone.
    i prefer alone time to chill.
    i am an extroverted introvert. maybe that's why.
    perhaps what makes us one way or the other is just a simple combo of nature/nurture or maybe it's written in our stars.....
    of course, when i get in funks/slumps, i reach out, but in the end- every time i struggle- i am there for myself.
    we all need others to hold a mirror up to ourselves sometimes, but if that is the case each time- we just rely too much on others- perhaps because there is not yet a realization of a "self"- i don't know.
    i like me. i'm my biggest fan. i'm my favorite company.
    even when the chips are down- or if i hate the moment i'm stuck in.

  2. We are pretty alike I think. Especially that extrovert/introvert thing.

    And a pair of cunts - lets not forget that.

  3. I'm also happy on my own, but as for who we really are, that's not something concrete. Are you the same person you were 10 years ago or even 1 year ago? Like it or out, we're constantly changing from experience. Even being alone changes you.

  4. @GB - well no, of course not, the last couple of years have really changed me and I like who I've become, even though she has a few more wrinkles and grey hairs. But I am aware of those changes.

  5. i love the wrinkles and grey silver strands of hair.
    it takes a real pair of tits to go grey and not try to puff up wrinkles.
    i love it.
    and i hope i change a thousand more times.
    it's growth baby!
    thank goddess i am not who i was last year, or at twenty. i'd be a [more] miserable cunt.
    did you ever look at the hands of the elderly?
    they are tissue-paper road maps to wisdom- i always admired that.

  6. SO TRUE! Great post ;)

  7. "Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just a bit autistic.
    People do tend to get on my nerves.
    People watching however is a whole different matter - I love to do that. "

    i often wonder the same about myself. i imagine you'd be fun to people watch with.

  8. Very honest and DCG post, if I dare say.
    I like to take it as roles, instead of masks. (blame the drama club upbringing of Convent schools). When I took some further studies in Psychology (mainly because I was over-extending the generosity of my parents), I had a mentor who asked me to de-role. Stripped me down to my ego, my self, and asked if I liked what I saw. I cried. But the experience was an awakening. I realized I needed to accept and love myself in my raw-ness otherwise I was being unfair asking to be accepted and loved. I still share that experience a lot to this date and to this moment to a lot of people. Am I happy with just being "me"? I reckon everything starts from there.
    Lovely for your to share your thoughts on these too.

  9. Great post. I just moved out on my own, so I'm trying to get used to it just being me. I left a home with 2 parents, 2 siblings, 3 cats, and 5 dogs, so big adjustment, but you know what, even though I struggle with that v word, void, I'm really starting to like being alone more. I like me too. Thanks for your words!


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