Tuesday, 31 May 2011

from the mouths of babes

The family where I work ( I am a personal assistant for man with a brain injury) have a granddaughter, Lily, who has just turned four.
She and her Mum still live at home, but as she only goes to school three mornings a week at the moment and her Mum goes to work, Lily and I get to spend a lot of time together. Her Grandad dotes on her so as much as I enjoy her company this has also helped me get to know him. He sometimes has days when he will have been up all night then sleeps all day and during these times I will usually be with Lily - we keep each other entertained and it means that her Grandma can do other things.

She has an amazing imagination - the kind of kid who can take a scrap of paper and pretend it’s anything she wants it to be.

But it's the things she says. Sometimes I'm not entirely sure they're as innocent as they seem . . . .
I have to share some Lily gems, they are too funny not to.

We all went out to a country pub for lunch. Lily wanted to sit next to me, but obviously can’t yet read.
Me “shall we look at the menu”
Lily “can you read it to me please”
Me “of course I can, just let me get my glasses”
Lily “why do you need glasses ? Is it because you’re old”

The day before bank holiday week-end. Her Grandma had just told me they were all going on a picnic to the forest the next day.
Lily “are you going to come on the picnic ?”
Me “no, it’s a holiday tomorrow so I won’t be here”
Lily “but whose going to look after me”
Me “well I’m not really here to look after you, I’m here to help Grandad if he needs it”
Lily “but you always play with me”
Me “that’s because you spend a lot of time with Grandad - so that means that I’m lucky enough to get to spend time with you too, and when Grandad‘s tired you keep me company”
Lily “well tell Grandad to go back to bed and we can play”

We were looking at a recipe book and pretending we were at a restaurant eating the food. We had some wooden bricks for the food and a plastic tennis racquet was the plate. Her Grandad was tidying the garden and asked me to bring him the broom, when I got back to the conservatory the ‘food’ was no longer on the floor.
Me “where has all the food gone ?”
Lily “I’ve eaten it “
Me “all of it ?”
Lily “yes and it was very very nice”
Me “well if you really have eaten all of it you’re gonna get very very fat”
Lily “yes I am, just like you”

A couple of days before her birthday her Mum and I were talking about her and Grandad, and we had said that sometimes watching the two of them together it was hard to work out who the grown up was.
We didn’t think she was listening.
Later in the day when her Uncle was there they were discussing the plan to surprise her with a trampoline for her present, he was going to stay with her the following day whilst her Mum and Grandma went to buy it.
Lily “Mummy why can’t I come with you and Grandma”
Her Mum “because we have to go and do grown up stuff”
Lily “but I’m as grown up as Grandad, you and Cowgirl said so” (LOL)
Her Mum “well we need you to stay here with Uncle”
Uncle “yeah Lily if you go out whose going to look after me”
Lily “Cowgirl”

I love her - she is equally cute and precocious, and never fails to make me laugh.

Sometimes when I’m joking she doesn’t get it at all, but then when I’m serious she fails to realise.
For instance today we were pretending to be going on an aeroplane.
She was the passenger.
I was the customs man at the airport (she made me pat her down and told me she didn’t have any ‘smokes’), the suitcase check-in lady (she had a bag full of toys), the stewardess ( she wanted to know where her food was), and the pilot.
When I needed to go to the toilet I told her I was putting the plane on autopilot for five minutes and to listen out for any funny noises.
Four times she called me back - the plane was making a ‘whoooo’ sound apparently. Each time I said I wasn’t pretending I really did need to go for a wee and every time she called me back.
I could still hear her shouting to me that the plane was about to crash when I was sat on the loo.

Her grandad has a lot of tattoos and is plannng to have one for her and his other grand-daughter. They were talking about this and he was explaining that he wanted to have one with both their names in it, but designed in a way that there was room for other names if more grandchildren came along.
Lily wanted to know where he was going to put my name.

She cracks me up every day.
Yup - I love my job.


  1. Yeah kids'll fucking kill ya!

  2. Kids, they'll keep you honest. Gotta love them. They also have excellent ears, they hear EVERYTHING.

  3. it's awesome when your job makes you smile. mine does as well xo

  4. i love this shit.

    okay- i was babysitting when i was a teenager, and my little 4 year old charge was very bright and open. we were walking hand-in-hand down a bust road to the library, and here's the conversation we had:

    r: do you have a penis or a vagina?
    vi: a vagina.
    r: me too! daddy and j have penises, but me and mommy have a vagina.
    vi: that's one difference between being a girl and being a boy.
    r: do you have a big vagina?
    vi: i'd say it's medium.
    r: well, mommy has a HUGE vagina, and i have a tiny one. daddy has a HUGE penis, and j has a small one.
    vi: i see.

    we were out front of the library by this point, and people were giving me the stink eye. whatever. i still have a medium vagina.


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