Tuesday, 2 August 2011

guilty pleasures

I still remember the first time I ever stole something.

It was when I was in infant school, so I was probably about seven or eight. We had a box of scrap materials in the classroom and one of the other kids brought in some stuff to donate that included a piece of sparkly green glittery fabric. I remember Miss Green, the teacher, making a fuss about this fabric to the kid who brought it in and telling her that she should use it on the big fish mural the whole class was making at the time.
I really can recall the day that clearly.
I have always sewn, my Mum was a seamstress so I guess I got the talent from her and even at that age I used to copy pictures of clothes and make them for my dolls, Cindy being my favourite.
And Cindy needed a green glittery dress.
So when nobody was looking I took the fabric, scrunched it up, asked to go to the toilet but went to the cloakroom instead and put it in my coat pocket.

Cindy needed a top like this.

Later in the day it was time to do some art and it was discovered that the material was missing.
There was the usual routine of  'if whoever has taken it puts it back nothing will happen', and I can remember trying to hide my face as I was blushing . . . badly. But I didn't return the sparkly stuff. And I never did make anything from it either, it remained hidden in my room, because once I got it home I realised that if I had my Mum would've asked where it came from.
And at that age I couldn't lie to her.

As it happens all my teenage guilty secrets revolved around deceiving the parents too.
When I was about 13 my parents had a lot of those miniature bottles of spirits.

There were more then this. Way more.
But most of them were empty.

They were kept in a cupboard in the front room - so I was helping myself, and my friends, on a regular basis then putting the empty bottles back. The parents only ever drank if they had visitors which wasn’t that often, but there came a night when I was upstairs and I heard them offering drinks to friends of my Dad who had turned up. I heard Dad go into the room where these were kept - then call Mum - then what sounded like angry whispers.
I'm sat upstairs waiting for WW3 to break out and a year long grounding.
It never came, for days I was on walking eggshells but nothing was ever said.

Move on about 3 years - the parents have split.
One night Mum and I are having chat about things and she says "I'll tell you something you don't know about your Father, he was a secret drinker - he used to drink those miniatures we kept"
A few weeks later I'm round Dads, also having a chat and he says "did you know your mother was a secret drinker............."
I've never confessed.

The kleptomaniac in me still comes out to play from time to time. Nowadays if I want something I can usually afford it but sometimes I just can't resist. Way I see it if I'm spending £100 at the supermarket it doesn't hurt them to give me a jar of coffee as a bonus, although the biggest thing I've ever stolen was a shelf unit that is still in my living room now. I think it's just one little symptom of never quite growing up, although the roots of the habit come from childhood and always being told that I couldn't have stuff.
So I helped myself instead.
It was an easy progression from that scrap of fabric to a bar of chocolate on the way home from school, then as I got older make-up, records and clothes. I'd never steal from a person - do as you would be done by on that count - but if I can get a little five finger discount from a shop I fucking well will.
Never let your bad habits talents go to waste.

My other two guilty pleasures that stem from childhood are biscuit gluttony and the Starship Enterprise.

My Mum would buy biscuits but we were only ever allowed to have two or three at a time, nowadays I can quite happily eat a whole packet - especially if I have a coffee to dunk them in, and very especially if they are McVitie's chocolate digestives.

Fuck the calories.

And whilst it's not exactly something I feel guilty about I am a bit of a trekky.
On wednesday nights my Mum would go out to some ladies group and my Dad and I would always watch Star Trek together. I love the newer films with all their amazing CGI but the original series will always be the best in my world because it reminds me of those evenings.
I even have the outfit. Having a fancy dress ? No prizes for guessing who I'm coming as.
I still watch it whenever it's on the TV now.

Same goes for the original Batman.

Although Christian Bale in the rubber suit is a whole different kind of pleasure for me nowadays.
And I don't feel the least bit guilty about my Batman fantasies.

Come to mumma. I so would. And then I'd do it again.

Adult guilty pleasures are a whole different thing.
I love porn, always surprises me how many women claim they don't like it or say it's disgusting. Yeah right. More like too uptight to admit it turns them on. Or worse are the ones who think there is something wrong with him because the man in their life likes to watch it.
You might not like golf or football but you don't threaten to leave if he watches it do you.
Watch and learn I reckon.
Porn that is, not football.

But I bet you never thought you could combine your childhood and grown up GPs without getting into all kinds of stuff that's truly wrong ?
Think again.
I found Star Trek - the Porn Version.
Fucking hilarious.

Yup. Those are her pants on his ears. Go Spock.

Funniest thing I've seen in ages. Too busy laughing for anything else.
I could post the link here, but then I'd have to put the adult warning back on, and then the stat counter doesn't work and I need to keep an eye on the lurkers.

If you want it ask me.

Update : After reading this I was asked if I'd ever gotten caught, so I wrote a response. http://dirtycowgirl.blogspot.com/2011/08/only-time-i-ever-got-caught.html


  1. Well you were quite the little thief...almost scary. However I can see why you couldn't pass up the green sparkly material at that age. That Star Trek porn is hilarious. I'll stick around for a while. Very impressed you have been around for 7 months and already 143 followers and 12,000+ hits. Very nice.

  2. Who says confession isn't good for the soul? Now, kindly get yourself a biscuit, a lil' bottle and turn to your favorite porn and have a grand night. As always, a very enjoyable read!

    P.S. Gold star on not crackin' when the missing bottles were mentioned by each of your folks. Gold star indeed! ;D

  3. Okay you got me!
    First I got stuck in the McVitie's Chocolate Digestives, damn, those things rock my world!
    Then Star Trek Porn. Give me give me... pretty please?

  4. amazing, really.

    i used to have these guilty pleasures @ cheesy music. then i said fuck it, and decided that i am not compartmentalized that easily.

    so what are my guilty pleasures?
    not sure... maybe i need to make/get/invest in new ones.

    p.s. it was kelly clarkson. no lies, i sing along to both songs. amazingly rediculous. love her. not that i own one single song of hers, but- whatevs.

  5. Naughty.

    p.s. you have a star trek dress? Major Geek.

  6. Star Trek + porn = awesome!
    Great post as usual!

  7. I nicked a Kitkat from a supermarket when I was 10 and got collared by te store detective. I ended up down the police station and my dad had to come out of work to get me. I got a beltng off my dad and that was the end of my criminal career.

  8. @Chuck, I still am. Welcome to my blob.
    @BBG, My mum is no longer here but my Dad still mentions her 'bad habit' from time to time. I just grin at him.
    @Psycho, I'll inbox you the link on facebook :)
    @Vi, I love a bit of cheese too. Let me know when you pick some.
    @flip, It's far from geeky - I got it from a sex shop, seriously.
    @krouth, thanks :)
    @Tony, you clearly weren't very good at it lol.

  9. You are indeed a wicked woman, but at least you like Star Trek. Even the most dissolute wench has one redeeming quality.

  10. too much!!! i thought those panties were sideburns ... really really long sideburns

  11. Mmm... I have a lot of secrets as well as guilty pleasures... I don't know about Batman, but as far as superheroes goes, he's probably the most interesting in bed.

    Yes, a lot of my youthful secrets involved sneaking alcohol, sneaking out of the house to go dancing with my friends, and smoking things in secret...

    I don't think I want to see Star Trek: The Porn Frontier. I'll take your word for it that it's hilarious!

  12. @GB, I love that you think I'm dissolute.
    @Andrea, You need to look a bit closer.
    @Bella, I wanted to leave you a comment back on your blog - but you have not enabled it. Shame as there seems a lot of scope for interesting discussion . . .

  13. I've seen some funny porn in my day. Like retard porn, where the man has sex with a girl who pretends she's retarded (who gets off on that, really?). There's old lady porn, where she's 90, ewww. Or how about fat lady porn, where she's 300 lbs and likes to slap her belly against a guy's head? Call me boring, but good old fashioned man on woman is just fine for me.

    Also, that secret drinker story was great.


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