Monday, 21 March 2011

plant life

I realised a long time ago that I really don’t have green fingers.

House plants can make a home look fabulous, I especially love palms and anything with huge leaves. They are apparently good for the cleansing of air inside your home as well. I have friends who have plants that are older then their children, and bigger.
But me, they just don’t seem to like.
I’m the kiss of death to plants.

I either over water them or under water them or maybe they don’t like the tone of my voice - given that we’re supposed to talk to them.
Even cut flowers, which I don’t really like since I see them as dying the minute you cut them, seem to die a lot quicker in my house.

I once bought three huge bunches of small sunflowers from a market trader in the town centre as it was the end of the day and he was selling them off for a £1. I planned to share them with two friends who were coming round later. As it turned out neither friend could make it.
Two days later they were sat in my kitchen having pretty much died even though I had put them in water and a sunny spot by the window.
On seeing them my best friend said,
"You bring them home and give them hope".

Sometimes hope just isn't enough.

My mum once gave me and my sister a cutting each of a money plant, I told her not to give it to me but she insisted all I had to do was water it if it felt dry and she chose the spot for it in my house.
My sister still has hers - its more like a small tree now.
Mine lasted a month at the most.

A long time ago I was living a few doors away from a good friend who had thriving house plants, she said if I got some she would take care of them for me, we lived so close we saw each other pretty much every day so this was fine.
She came with me and helped me choose four and they thrived, all I did was look at them, everything else was left to Julie.
Then Julie moved in with her boyfriend who lived further away, before she went she made these little stickers for the plant pots telling me when to water them, when to feed them, put them in the sun etc. I followed those intructions very carefully, but by three weeks two were dead and the others weren’t looking too healthy.
I rang Julie and told her to come and save them.
She took them home with her.

I’ve even killed cactus, they can survive fucking years in the desert but give them to me and they turn into suicidal thorns.
I swear if I had plastic plants they’d melt.

I once spent £50 on a huge indoor palm that the woman in the shop assured me would be fine in my bathroom. Apparently they love the humidity of a steamy room and as long as they get sun too all they need is water if dry.
I loved that plant, it sat in the corner and hung over the bath, it looked fabulous and I was determined to look after it. And it looked fine, no brown leaves and it even grew a couple of new shoots.
Then one day I’m laying in the bath and one of the stems just fell off, then another pretty much every day for a week until it just looked pathetic and turned to straw.

Fuck knows what I did to it, although I do like to sing in the bath.

If we ever do get invaded by triffids there’ll be no need to call in the army, just send them round to my house.

I'm thinking about trying again, so before I commit vegetation abuse can anyone suggest a plant that's pretty self sufficient, independant, not too needy in the attention department and won't give up without a fight ?


  1. Try growing a banana plant. If you aim high, failure is no disgrace.

  2. ROTFLMFAO! I have a rep and I am known as the Cactus Murderer. If I can grow Agave, maybe I can distil some tequila. But even the Agave worm would crawl away.
    Low maintenance plants? What about blue grass. Or those things that just float on water, like a fortune plant? I don't really know what I'm saying. Best be going.

  3. Yeah, houseplants are finicky bastards.

    Only one plant has never let me down, my marginata. I've had it for almost 12 years. It has survived my abuse time and time again. Once, during a particularly bad time in my life, I left it in a room and forgot about it for weeks, and it lived. Best plant ever.

  4. oh ... yeah ... you should see papi's murderous plant ways ... we no longer have any in the house ... they all died after my accident because my love had to feed them ... and me ... i got fat and the plants died lol!

  5. @gorilla, might just do that - if there's food at the end of it gotta be worth a try.
    @psycho, I thought blue grass was a type of music.
    @klazy, maybe I'll get one of them.
    @andrea, good to know I'm not the only one.

  6. I've managed to suck the life out a few cacti myself. I had one with those sticky balls (not those kind) and one of them fell off! I tried to stick it back on but Cacty just looked up at me and said, "Don't bother, my friend. You tried." Fuck it, grow some salvia next. I heard it's easy :)

  7. ~~Nobody buys me plants anymore...they all die. I forget to water them. I forget to love them.. How sad :)

  8. @cait & chick, I'm so glad there's a few of us -I feel a but better now, and yeah cait I might just try that.


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