Thursday, 20 October 2011

ch ch ch changes

I decided to do a bit of online research into my current phase of going through 'the change'. I quite like that expression, makes me wonder if I should keep an eye on my hands around the next full moon. . .

Think I might need a manicure and a haircut.

I was looking for some ideas for alternative therapies and I have since stocked up on a few bottles of evening primrose capsules - kind of apt as just the name of that makes me think of fragrant old ladies.
Although old ladies do generally smell of wee.

I can relate to psycho.
I also have some ginseng and multivitamins.

Apparently I should pretty soon be having extra vitality.
Not entirely sure quite what that means, but it might give me a bit more energy (is Ginseng like speed but for old people?).
I guess people will at least hear me coming as taking that many tablets I'm probably going to rattle as I walk.

I also found a list of other symptoms I could experience - fatigue, lethargy, irritability, hairiness, insomnia, itchy skin, forgetfulness, mood swings. . . sounds like I've been going through the menopause for at least 25 years.

That must be some sort of record.

It also appears that these hot flushes as I've been calling them are not flushes, the correct term is FLASHES.
I don't know about elsewhere in the world but in the UK if you're a flasher then you're a weird loser who goes around showing your genitals to strangers.
Well that's what they were called the last time I met one anyway.
So now I can be even more of a pervert and blame it on my age.
My inner child is a bitch.

Best get myself a dirty mack and a moon calendar.
". . . . sorry officer it's the change".

Earlier in the week I was forced to endure watched a couple of hours of kids TV with the granddaughter where I work, it seems I'm not the only thing that's changed.
What the fuck has happened to Scooby Doo ?
It's not how I remember it that's for sure, and surely it's about time Thelma and Daphne went through the menopause.

Of course there's a lot of programmes I remember from being a kid that have been revamped and improved, and it's quite funny to watch the old versions as an adult - you see things you missed as a child. Like how camp the original Batman was.
Best not think about Christian Bale in the rubber suit though. . . I feel a flash coming on.
And in the UK there was always Rainbow - a bit after my time as a kid but my younger sister used to watch it, now you just wonder how the hell they got away with it.

Zippy ? 
Teddy in a gimpsuit.

The thing that really annoyed me about the kids TV I watched with Lily was the fucking adverts. It's a constant bombardment of expensive ridiculous toys, all of which she of course informed me she wanted. In one break there was 'realistic' toy dog that cost SEVENTY FIVE POUNDS, and then right at the end of it they showed you the toy cat you could also have.
("oh I want one if those too")
This was followed by a bright doll type thing, of which you could pick from half a dozen and which were shown with various accessories. A rip off mere snip at £45, but "accessories not included".
("I want a pink one and a green one and the house")
Every advert break was the same, none of the toys shown were less then £40.

I feel for parents, it was similar when Son was little, but we didn't have cable and satellite channels devoted entirely to children so while there were adverts for toys it wasn't as intense. You might not want to spoil your children but it's got to be hard to even know what to get them for birthdays or Christmas when they are telling you they want so much.
It seems to me that the companies that make these things are relying on the emotional blackmail of parents wanting their kids to have the things they didn't in order to make a fat profit.

Barbie can kiss my arse.
Well until they get too old for toys, but then the fashion and make-up companies take over and mess with your kids self esteem and body image.

When my sister and I were young we used our imagination to play with our toys. Our Sindy dolls (UK version of Barbie) had houses, but we made them out of empty boxes. And I learnt to sew by making clothes for them.

Many years ago a friend of mine who was a struggling single parent of three wanted to get her eldest boy a He-Man castle for Christmas. He'd been saying how much he liked it every time he saw one advertised on the TV, and he already had the action figures.
I remember this so well because by the time she had the money to get it the shops had sold out and she was quite upset, but another friend of ours had managed to find one for her.

Who wants a large lump of snot
He was really happy when he opened it on the day, but after a while she noticed that he wasn't actually playing with it and asked him why. He said he couldn't, as he needed He-Mans enemies castle too (I don't remember his name, I'm old). Because on the advert that's how the kids were playing with it.

I know it's never going to happen but I think maybe TV companies should put an upper limit on the value of toys advertised on kids channels.
Like two quid.

Dream on Cowgirl. There's more chance of me changing into a werewolf on the next full moon.
Ok so that's not entirely impossible. . .


  1. I wish my kids are sport junkies or something. I sure don't want to spend a lot of money on shitty toys. Sadly, i know i will end up having 4 girls that will drain my money faster than strippers and coke would. Oh well...
    Also, i believe He-Man's enemy was called Skeletor. I might have to double check that with google though.

  2. That's a funny yet story about the child though it's kind of sad, how children (and their parents by default), through the system these companies use. Nice blog as always regardless!

  3. I think that limit is a good idea, but you're right, not going to happen.
    I have never been through the change, so I don't have much advice.
    I have eaten a really hot pepper one time.
    I didn't really like it.
    My breasts have gotten bigger as the years have gone by; does that have anything to do with it?

  4. Do you remember how Catwoman always tried to seduce Batman? He pretended to be tempted but always turned her down in that stiff way of his. "Stiff" not being the most appropriate adjective in this context.

  5. Seeing as this is now what everyone does.. I've got your email and replied.

  6. @HP, Either way they're going to spend ALL your money. And I do believe you're right.
    @Yeamie, Yeah - his Mum wasn't laughing though.
    @Gweenbrick, It's a similar feeling - although I like hot peppers, but no, bigger boobs are mostly caused by getting bigger all over, well that's what happened to me.
    @GB, Yeah...and she was played by Eartha Kitt, no other man would've turned her down.
    @WW, It's the modern way - although I would call you if someone hadn't 'stolen' my phone. Grrrr.

  7. I wonder if I watched Rainbow a lot as a kid, it would explain an AWFUL lot about me and my personality. I don't like watching kids shows, for years already I've been complaining about how my kids shows were better, and how I just don't understand them. They don't seem to be teaching kids anything, they aren't even that entertaining. I have to assume they are for kids though. My mum has over 20 grandkids so she doesn't have to worry about Christmas, she just gives them some money, as she could never think of that many different Christmas presents. I imagine I was quite easy to buy for as a child. It had to fall into two categories, it had to be either edible, or fit into a video game system I owned. Or be one I didn't own I guess. Kids shows are inundated with kids toys adverts because they stopped allowing fast food adverts on at that time. Frankly I'd rather buy a kid a £2 happy meal than a £70 robot dog. I'd rather buy myself the robot dog.

  8. And yes the enemy of He-Man was Skeletor. BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!!!!!

  9. OMG! That rainbow video is hysterical! How did they ever get away with that???

  10. That's why you can't go wrong with just giving your kids a carton of smokes and a bottle of jack!

  11. I'm not sure why Castle Greyskull is green.... My brother had one when we were kids, and I remember it actually being gray.....

    I still meander around the toy sections sometimes when I'm out shopping. It always makes me feel young again.

  12. Did you just say "werewolf"?
    I have odd dreams about that one.
    Somehow, Wolverine take over.
    Well it's just me. Do they make any life size toys that look like that? I don't mind paying a couple more quids for the whole nine yards!

  13. Funny how when blokes go through their change (mid life crisis) we go out and get a younger woman, Motorbike and or fast car and dye our hair . Birds are so melodramatic ! Just go out and buy a new pair of oven gloves , mop and sky plus and you will be sorted !

  14. Grat post!
    My 7 year old daughter just told me that she wants a 'Nook Color' for christmas. It seems like just a few years ago, she was okay playing with the wrapping paper and the empty boxes from her gifts - now she wants a freaking tablet pc, book reading thingy.

  15. @Mark, TWENTY ?? Fucking hell. If I had that many I don't think I'd even remember all their names.
    @Eva, I don't know - they did stuff like that all the time - check youtube there's loads.
    @Rafa, that's what I do now.
    @Mr Strong, I dunno - it kinda looks like a glow in the dark thing to me..and a big bogey.
    @PB, I can't imagine why. Try ebay - you never know.
    @Stu, I already did that - it didn't help. Maybe I need a toyboy with a ferrari.
    @Krouth, at least that's useful and will no doubt encourage her to read.

  16. scooby is so different now.

    now fred and daphne have a little thing, but they still haven't changed outfits or color schemes. i don't know about you, but there's only a finite amount of time i can wear orange until i feel like a traffic cone.

  17. Well she has 3 daughters with 9 kids between them (although one is only an "expecting") and when she remarried one of her step daughters has 9 kids I think it is, and some step sons with a kid here and there. Her youngest daughter is yet to have kids (Thank goodness she's only 15), and neither are me and my brother. I don't want to think how many she's going to have when it's all over with.


Tell me something I don't know.
Comments are moderated so spam me and you're going in the bin.