Friday, 28 October 2011

train face

I seem to have a habit of attracting weirdos and oddballs wherever I go.
If I wrote a post about my ex boyfriends that would be more then evident, but this is a blog about me not that bunch of psychos losers. I can be stood at a bus stop with ten normal people and one deranged idiot and I can guarantee the idiot will decide to start a conversation with me.

I think maybe they think I'm a kindred spirit.
Can't think why.

I need a train face. This is something that Son perfected years ago, a look you wear so that nobody sits next to you or tries to talk to you. The first time I saw it we were going to London for a days shopping in Camden and as we got closer to London the train started to fill up.
Son was sat opposite me wearing his train face.
By the time we got to Clapham there were people standing, but the seat next to him remained empty.

Tonight I get on the train home from work,  and as I sit down my phone rings. It's a mate and I know she probably wants a chat but I don't like talking where people can hear so I answer it and just say "I'm on the train but I'll be home in half an hour so I'll call you back".
As I said it between the seats in front I saw this. . .

The fella was quite young - he clearly hadn't combed his hair for a week, but I thought maybe he thought he recognised my voice and that was why he looked round.
He sat back round the right way and laughed. . . a bit too loud.
Then I saw this . . .

He kept pulling his hand back for a second then pointing again.
All the while laughing.

Then the guy sat in the seat in front of him started talking on the phone, obviously to his partner as he was saying how long he was going to be and calling the person he was chatting to darling. But idiot boy was joining in the conversation. I heard the guy on the phone say "shall we have a curry tonight", and idiot said "yes I want a chicken tikka massalla", he continued to mutter to himself for a bit even after the other fella had ended his call.

Then he looked like he was bending down to get something off the floor, but he didn't get up.
When I looked he had got under the seat in front of himself, and he was still there when I got off the train.

I'm only on the train for 15 - 20 minutes, but at least three times a week something happens that either irritates or amuses me. A while ago I had arranged to go to a friends for dinner after work and she was coming to meet me from the station, I called her while I was waiting for the train and told her what time I would be there.
When I sat down on the train there was a woman sat facing me and a younger guy came and sat next to me. Whilst it was en route the train stopped as there was a signal failure and the guard announced that there was going to be a 30 minute wait.

The woman opposite me rang someone and said she was going to be late, I got my phone out, went to call Alison and my battery died.
Didn't like the idea of Ali sat waiting for me with a one year old in her car, so I asked the woman if she would mind if I borrowed her phone to send a text message.

She looked at me like I'd asked to borrow her husband for the night, said "fucking cheek", got up and moved seats.
Fucking bitch.
Ok she didn't have to let me, but she could've just said no.
The fella sat next to me offered to let me use his, which I did, and we chatted until I got off the train. Nothing of any note, just moaning about the trains and the weather.
A couple of hours later I'm sat with Ali and her phone beeps for a text.

"Hi, was really nice talking to you on the train today, would you like to go for a drink".

He wasn't my type, but even if he had been I like a man with brains. Not someone who's not even clever enough to realise that I wouldn't of borrowed his phone to text my own . . . which he knew had a dead battery.
For all he knew I borrowed his phone to tell my 6ft cage fighter boyfriend I was going to be late.

I wish . . .
The other thing that really bothers me on trains is out of control screaming kids.
If you can't keep it under control don't take it on a fucking packed train and let it run up and down the aisles, apart from the nuisance to other passengers it's fucking dangerous.
You can't blame the kids, it's boring sitting on a train for any length of time, but at least take a comic or a couple of toys.

A couple of days ago there was a young girl with twin boys, about four or five, one was hitting the other who kept crying. All she was doing was shouting at them to stop . . . whilst playing with her mobile phone.
Fuck sake.

And then I heard her say their names. . .
Reggie and Ronnie.
I guess they were just living up to their namesakes.


  1. That woman who wouldn't let you use her phone was such a bitch! The guy who got under the seat seems particularly interesting. My daughter has what she calls her game face that she puts on when she's around a lot of scary homeless people. She says you have to look straight ahead, no expression on your face, never look directly at anyone else, and just keep moving.


  2. I would have been freaked out by that first guy on the train! There's so many weirdos around. Haha, love the bit about your son's train face - too funny. :D

  3. I once had a 2 hour train ride with 2 obnoxious kids in the seats across the aisle. The parent never once made an effort to get them to quiet down. It was a damned long 2 hours!

  4. jesus dirty ... seriously. they find me too. i'm here at the hospital and they found me here as well!

    when you've perfected the train face, teach me. i need it as well.

  5. There are some things that just don't mix, kids and public transport are definitely some of them. I admire your sons ability to get people to stay away from him, it's not often a parent has to learn from their child. I had an experience like yours with the text. Someone asked if they could borrow my phone to send a text, and I let them. Not long after I got a random text from the person they texted asking for them.




  6. Heyyyyyy dcg - as usual your post made me laugh out loud. I'd thank your lucky stars though, the ones I attract always stink of piss!
    Lee xxx

  7. I've heard of putting on a game face but a train face? Sounds like you need to master the train face and fend off the weirdos!

  8. Other ways of making sure no one sits next to you:
    Piss your pants.
    Start a conversation with, "Do you know Jesus?"
    Pick your nose.
    Try to pick their nose.
    Lick yourself.
    Wave your hands in the air, shouting, "Damn fairies!"

  9. @Lola, Wasn't she ! I would've let someone use mine, given the situation.
    @Vee, I thought it was funny, but I wasn't about to let him know that.
    @Eva, I bet - it just annoys me that with a bit of planning they could probably be kept entertained.
    @Andrea, I will make an instructional video :)
    @Mark, were they asking you on a 'date'. If not I think I win the weirdo comp.
    @Lee, welcome back ! Sounds delightful.
    @dan, I plan to.
    @Al, I will use one every day next week. Although I might've done the farting one already.
    @IWF, It explains it in the post.

  10. Pick your teeth with a knife.

  11. Great idea flip.

    Until I get caught with a knife in my bag by the rail police.


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