Sunday, 9 October 2011

the mother of invention



The good news is the dishwasher is now installed properly, working and not leaking.
Yay me !!!

The bad news is that once again I have failed to win the lottery, looks like I need to find another way to become a millionaire as that plan isn't going very well. I might have to invent something, although it would probably be as useful as my plumbing skills.
Apparently my great great great (I'm not exactly sure how great) grandfather invented the coffee percolator, well according to my Dad. And the story goes that as he had no money he sold the idea to an American. If this is true then I should be a coffee pot heiress, although my Dad is known for his "tall stories" and according to Wiki this is yet another of those.

However I doubt that anything I could come up with is as ridiculous as the contents of the Kleenezee catalogue.
I expect some of my English readers may know what this is, but for the benefit of those who don't they sell overpriced crap useful household products via a catalogue that one of their agents will occasionally put through your door.
They will then call back to get them and hopefully an order a few days later.
You are expected to return the book, even though you didn't ask for it to be posted through your door. I've had a few arguments with the agents because when they knocked and asked for it back I either couldn't find it or had put it in the bin.
Way I see it you put it through my letterbox it's mine and I can do what the fuck I want with it. I found one on my door mat this morning, before I bin it let me share with you some of the delights found within it.

It's not just the shit they sell it's the descriptions that crack me up.



"Get scrubbing and the skin will peel off". . . your hands.

How is this easier then using a knife or a potato peeler ? Look at them, they are clearly way too big for the persons hands in the picture, and unless the potatoes are perfectly round (so about 1 out of every 20 then) it's not going to work very well.


"So easy you won't believe it". . . well no, I don't.
"Cutting down on washing up" . . .so you don't have to wash this then ?

Essentially this is a very tall jug, you put your spaghetti in it, fill with hot water and leave it to cook. Fine, until you leave it a bit too long, the spaghetti gets a bit overcooked and sticky and you have to try and get it out of the bottom of fucking thing.
Think I'll stick to using a pot.


Sandwich cutters.
Or a new way to waste half a loaf of bread - they could've made them a bit bigger surely ?
Even if you used these I still think all the egg sandwiches would be left over at the end of the kids party.


What fucking idiot thought this one up. It's just a bit of plastic, why not just throw them on the bottom of the wardrobe like everyone else. They want a fiver for this piece of shit and no, the hangers aren't included in the price.


 ". . .enable the clips to appear to pour out of the tap". Wow ! Look, they really do don't they.

Can someone explain to me the connection between a bath and paper clips that gave rise to this. And why do you even want to have paper clips coming out of your taps.
At least unlike the coat hanger thing you do get some paper clips with it. And it is amusing ? Well yeah, but not in the way whoever invented it thought - people will laugh at you if your dumb enough to buy it.

Not everything in the book is so trivial, they do take home security seriously and have products to help. Thanks to Kleenezee you can feel secure in the knowledge that your valuables are stashed where no thief will ever find them.
They even have a wardrobe safe. . .


Well what were you expecting ?
A secure lockable metal box ?
You no longer need one, you can have something that resembles a man's fishing jacket with lots of pockets instead. If I ever do win the lottery bugger keeping my millions in the bank, I'm gonna get ten of these.

I don't know about where you live, but in some places another somewhat overlooked aspect of home security is the theft of wheelie bins.
Fear not - Kleenezee have got that covered too. . . .


"make your bin instantly recognisable".. and make you the laughing stock amongst your neighbours.
Attractive rubbish bins ? What utter genius is this.

And for the ladies who can't be bothered to go to the hair salon there is this. . .


Apparently it's so you can give yourself  "treatments" at home. If my friends came round and I was wearing one of these I think they'd be suggesting I get therapy, but not for my hair.
I suppose the little green men won't be interfering with her brainwaves, even if it looks like she's got the vent pipe from a cooker hood attached to her head.

If you think that's a dumb idea take a look at this,


UNWANTED CLEAVAGE ???
If it's that much of a problem just don't buy low cut tops.

Even the family pet is not spared forgotten.


What I want to know is who in their right mind thinks their pet is eating too fast. Surely those 'prongs' are just gonna make it hard to clean the stupid thing. And seriously, the more I think about this the more ridiculous it gets. . . it's not going to make any difference to a pet. The only way to make a cat eat slower is if you put its food in the bowl a spoonful at a time.
I just fail to see why you would want to.

Do the inventors of this shit make up problems so they can invent products to solve them ? And are there people reading this catalogue of crap and asking themselves if they have unwanted cleavage or wondering if their precious pooch is in danger of giving himself indigestion.

Never mind, while you're worrying about that you can always curl up in a "pink snuggler".


Is it just me or does that sound like a euphemism.

I have to go now, I need to fill out the order form.
I really think I need one of these. . .



I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm pretty sure I'll find a use for it.

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Before I go check this out, I was given another blogger award so I'm going to show it off here. I love this one, it's kind of personal as it was made and given to me by someone who has become a friend outside of this strange world that occupies my laptop.





42 comments:

  1. My goodness, if I had the products in that catalogue, I could do product reviews for the rest of my life. What an awesome collection of totally useless things! I wish, wish, we had that in the States-you could sit around and laugh at it for hours-i think i need one of those modesty panels, unfortunately

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  2. I think I need to get one of those 'pink snugglers'. I think maybe that's why I've been so grouchy. Not sure that I'd ever 'curl up' in one, but I'm willing to try anything once...

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  3. You forgot the nose hair trimmer,or the multi purpose 'shaving thing' (yep that is the technical name)that comes with an attachment so that you can shape your eyebrows. Remove the attachment and you can then use it to shave any unwanted facial hair. Without mine I look like a monkey...with uneven eyebrows.

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  4. @gweenbrick, you would love it I'm sure. When I place my order I'll get one for you.
    @krouth, it's just a shame they don't make a blue one for the boys, but then I guess if you're shameless enough to wear one it doesn't matter.
    @lily, I took way more pics then I used here - this post could've been twice as long, and I did have a picture of that.
    Maybe I'll do another..somehow I knew you'd be familiar with kleenezee :)

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  5. we just got cleavage hider in canada. did i ever tell you about the snuggie i bought when i was wrecked on pain killers? for some until i got them in the mail. there's a sucker for everything.

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  6. Actually, those injecting basters are wonderful... and not just for artificial insemination. This post had me literally laughing out loud. Thanks! :)

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  7. Someone called you lovely? They must really know you outside your blog. I don't know what Kleeneeze is but I do know what Avon and JML are. The main difference is that JML have come up with some useful things. I almost wish I had one of these catalogues just to see the crazy stuff in them, and I agree, once it's through your letterbox, it's yours.

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  8. Sorry to hear about your failure to win the lottery, though congratulations on the dishwasher now being fixed! Some of these catalogue inventions are absolutely hilarious but in all seriousness invention probably is the way to go when it comes to making money. Well, so long as the invention isn't something ridiculous like potato peeling gloves I guess!

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  9. So, I'm thinking having a go at yourself with those potato mitts would be a bad thing....?

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  10. I actually have those potato peeling gloves. It turned out to be more work than traditional methods of peeling. They are now used as cleaning gloves!

    Unwanted cleavage is something unheard of!

    These items are crap!

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  11. but winning the lottery is really the easiest way to become a millionaire..T_T

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  12. Lmao.. Reminds me of the slug tape my mate bought for his mums birthday. That was from kleeneze I believe. I have reasons to believe she wasn't best pleased, to say the least.

    I'm glad you liked your award :) x

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  13. @Andrea, you had a decent excuse so you are pardoned.
    @FB, I'm not sure I want to know what for.
    @Mark, I can be lovely sometimes. Just keep an eye on the letterbox, sooner or later everyone gets one. I agree about JML though.
    @Yeamie, yes - but what ? Suggestions please.
    @Al, LOL...no, best not.
    @Dan, NEVER admit stuff like that. Glad to know I was right though.
    @Mai, I dunno, I've been trying for a very long time and it hasn't happened yet.
    @WW, slug tape ? The mind boggles, but it has to be from kleenezee. And yeah, I love it :)

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  14. I have one of those spaghetti cookers and burned the shit out of my hand twice. AND I never get the pasta to cook right...always take it out too soon.

    And FYI. There is no such thing as unwanted cleavage. Period. This product is a pure scam.

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  15. It's ok, take all the credit. I'm never flying on my G5 again to fix your dishwasher hahaha
    And regarding the catalogue of useless stuff, laugh alll you want, im sure those guys sell a LOT of that crap. People are like...oh yeah that looks useful and it's so cheap. Gimme 3 please. Or maybe they buy em because they are bored, who knows.
    Im kinda intrigued about that silver worm hat. What is it for?

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  16. One has to pity the fool who would pay £8.50 for a nobbly piece of plastic. How about soaking the catalogue in urine before returning it? They look as if they want to take the piss.

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  17. @Chuck, thanks for proving me right - it's all crap. And I know, I think that's the most ridiculous of all their stuff.
    @HP, I will - I am the mistress of the soldering iron. I think they must be very bored and have money to waste. As far as I can tell it's meant to replicate the over head driers they have in salons. . . or roast your head.
    @GB, now THAT is a very good idea. I might leave it in the cats litter box tonight.

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  18. Slug tape.... Y'know the stuff you tape round the edge of your patio and it stops the slugs! Don't tell me you don't have any! :O

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  19. Hahaha! I love those catalogues! Loaded with rubbish that seems to appeal to so many people. Funny stuff! :D

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  20. I've never heard of this, and I assure you, if they had these here in America, I'd delight in throwing away their stupid magazines so I could have the pleasure of arguing over what happens to something once it's in my possession.

    Also, who the hell thinks boiling pasta is hard and needs a plastic tool for it? I'll give you a tip--if you need special tools to do something as basic as cook pasta (or peel a potato), you don't need to be cooking.

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  21. I believe your head needs to be roasted already to even think of buying that piece of crap.

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  22. Love the way you think...even about unwanted cleavage.

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  23. Is it just me or do those sandwich cutter rock!

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  24. @WW. No - I'm happy to say I don't. I have my saxa and I am the slug assassin.
    @Vee, As long as the rubbish goes in a decorated bin.
    @ABFTS, I should've said that. It pretty much sums up the whole catalogue.
    @HP. On a barbecue. . .slowly.
    @Copyboy, cheers - and that thing is a 'best seller'.
    @Stu, it's just you.

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  25. Hey you!!! I'm back!! My user name is stayingalivemommy now...here's my new blog:
    http://myhappysun.blogspot.com/
    Boy have I missed blogging with you!! Here's to a long friendship!!

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  26. I largely agree that the bulk of stuff they sell is crap, but a few people here have bought the sell, so to speak. ;-)

    The pink snuggler thing is ideal for pensioners who are too frightened to switch their heating on in the winter, because of spiralling energy costs though.

    It would also be ideal for the undertakers to pick their rotting corpses up in one piece, when they are found several weeks later having froze to death.

    Or for the young at heart, you could have potato sack races round the lounge.

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  27. This is my first visit here and I have to say that you are friggin awesome. I will be back for more!!!

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  28. oh, I also tried to follow you, but it took me to some widget blog??

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  29. I must admit I liked the potato peeling mitts.

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  30. @stay, Welcome back ! Left a comment over at yours :)
    @Arlequin, Yeah I get that - but I'm loving the sack race idea.
    @Choleesa, Welcome and thanks, moved the silly gadget too.
    @Post-it. Just don't get some and try Al's idea (see his comment).

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  31. They should sell the cleavage hider to plumbers and take care of the plumbers crack, and now that you are a practicing plumber you can be the first to try it out.

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  32. I had to take down the article because for some reason, as soon as i posted it, adsense stopped showing ads...so yeah i didn't wanted to take the risk. It sucks.

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  33. Holy shit this was a funny read! Amazing commentary!!

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  34. Saw this and thought of you for some reason ????

    http://randygoatradio.spreadshirt.com/i-m-with-that-cunt-tee-A2160908

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  35. The book will be made. Not NOW because exams are pretty time consuming though.
    That's the path to a G6 (and if it doesn't exist, well...i will make those bitches invent it)

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  36. I find myself very jealous not to be on Kleenezee's distribution route. I mean, a cleavage dicky, a hanger-hanger and stickers to class up my trash?!? Simply. Awesome.

    I'm not buyer, but I love checkin' out a crazy ass catalogue. Thank you for sharing!

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  37. well to be fair i had a dog once who ate fast enough to choke himself all the time, so it might actually be helpful

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  38. these guys are so bad that they actually are awesome

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  39. @flip, I have them on order.
    @HP, that does suck - they must pick up on certain words. Never mind, in the book you can say what the fuck you like.
    @Elle, thanks.
    @Stu, probably because it has the word goat in the URL. I've saved it, gonna get me and bestie one.
    @BBG, I'll send you some if you like Da World needs them,
    @Tony, I bet the dog thought otherwise.
    @My2Pesos. You know you want some really.

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