Monday, 17 October 2011

tick tock

I am feeling very big headed rather special at the moment as in the last week my blog has passed the two hundred followers point and reached twenty thousand page views.
I'm suitably impressed with myself.

To celebrate I made a cake.
Like I need an excuse to make a cake.

Help yourselves to a virual slice.

There is one thing that always puzzles me about the followers gadget though. Have you ever counted the number of people that actually show up on the list ?
There are always slightly less there then the actual number, I first noticed this when I had about 50 - the discrepancy then was just two, now it's about seven. It's not, as I first thought, anonymous followers - I checked that out - anonymous really does mean just that, and you don't see them anywhere.
They're the real stalkers of the blogging world.

Nor is it the people who follow via Reader or Feedburner, I have more followers in both and they do not appear in the gadget, only those who use 'friend connect' or the Navbar link show up.
So who are these people ? Where are these people ?
Are any of you reading this ? And if so can you tell me how you are not appearing in the gadget but showing in the numbers ?
I know it doesn't matter. . . .I don't lose sleep over it, I'm just curious.

And it might come in handy the next time I want to lurk around and stalk follow some fit young fella's blog.

What I am losing sleep over - or rather what is depriving me of sleep is fucking vile horrible night sweats, accompanied by my legs refusal to be comfortable no matter where I put them.
(Men - look away now, I am going to moan about 'womens things').
Yeah, I might think I'm still 25 but my body has decided to let me know that this is really not the case. Thanks mother nature, has anyone ever told you you're a fucking bitch.

I feel like someone's following me around with a flame thrower, and if I catch the cunt I'm going to knock him the fuck out then stick it up his arse. (Mood swings. . . what mood swings ?) There is no warning when one of these delightful flushes is going to happen, one minute I'm stood there joking with a fella in the queue in the shop about winning the lottery, then suddenly I'm bright red and sweating.

Wonder if he's ever had that effect on women before.

It's like a combination of a drug induced head rush and an orgasm.
Except it's not nice.
And you wouldn't want to be doing either in the queue in the shop or on the bus. Well I dunno, you might - but I have actually done one of those as well and I wouldn't recommend it.

I'm on fire.

If this starts to turn into a blog about getting older (who know's what other joyful things this current phase may do to my brain) perhaps one of the mysterious stalkers can hunt me down and knock some sense into me. Or give me a large dose of hormones.
Apparently that's the cure, and will turn me into an even tempered, well behaved model of sweetness and light. Seeing as I was never one of them anyway that might be a fucking miracle difficult.

That's quite enough about that subject.

As I may have bragged about mentioned once or twice I am going to India for a month in December.
Eight weeks and counting.
I have no intention of spending time on the Internet while I'm there, while I will check my emails from time to time I'm not going to be sat in an Internet cafe when I can be on the beach.

I won't mind sweating there, I can blame it on the weather.

So I am hoping that maybe a couple of you would like to guest post here in my absence. I already have two volunteers, so only looking for one or two more, would anyone else like to do it ?
A chance to show your stuff to all the other regular readers here.
Email me if you do, you can do that from my G+ profile.

I'm off, I need to buy a job lot of industrial size fans on ebay.
And I BETTER get a discount or there will be trouble.

This ought to do the trick. . . now I just need a really big man bag to carry 
them around.


  1. I would offer to help you out and post, but I have a hard enough time posting on mine ;)

    I do hope you have lots of fun on your trip though! I wish I could travel, it must be just wonderful!

    <3 Loves.
    p.s. Fuck that guy with the flamethrower, we'll take em' out!

  2. Oh crap, that sounds like a hot mess, but not the fun kind of mess. I would say hope you get better soon, but yeah, i don't think there is a cure for that.
    Nothing that cake and booze can't fix though. There is a good side, good bye period. I don't think that annoying red bastard will be missed.

  3. Okay, so what's the deal with wafting pictures of cake in front of me? That is entirely not fair.

  4. Off to India you old bat??! I am off travelling for 3 years in November but I will be blogging About my travels as I go ! but I wouldn't want to poison your blog with my bad spelling and grammar !

  5. You warned us men to look away but I disregarded the warning and continued reading and I learned something...don't mess with an aging woman! Just let them eat their cake and stay away!

    Best wishes on your travels!

    I can't even maintain regularity with my own blog, I would be an unreliable fill-in during your absence.

  6. Good luck! It's really nice to see someone talking about real life things on a blog, not just some crap about getting thrashed on the weekend.

  7. You've gona and got that Madonna song in my head. Well done lol.

    India sounds brilliant.. So excited for you :)

  8. @Jez, lets start a campaign to hunt the fucker down. We can take him out before he gets to anyone else.
    @HP, I'll be ok - aint seen that other thing for over a year so I think this is the 'end' of it. But as you say, not missed at all. Thanks for the concern though.
    @Mike, if I have to suffer so do you lot.
    @Stu, I'll look forward to reading about that - do you have a plan or are you just following the sun ?
    Go on... I'll check your spelling ?
    @dan, good to know I'm eduacational.
    @dylan, thanks, but I think I might've done that too a couple of times.

  9. Got a plan mate ! Asia for 5 months then oz for 2 years then Africa for 9 months and I can't wait! Where in India are you going to? I will guest blog if you are feeling brave ? I already have a great post that would pay tribute to yourself !

    Let me know ! Either way I won't take a fence !

  10. Before I got a blog, I would just follow with my reader. It's REALLY easy in firefox. Two button clicks and it's added to my list.

  11. You'd better take your hormone pills to India with you. They stare enough at normal white women - if you suddenly turn red they might throw you in the Ganges.

  12. @WW. . . like a virgin ?
    @Stu, that sounds fucking amazing. But everyone I know who went to Oz for any length of time has ended up emigrating. Staying in Goa - where else? I'm an ageing hippy at heart. And it's a deal.

  13. Congratulations on those followers, they're much deserved. 20,000 views is a tonne of views to get as well so well done on that. For some reason, completely unbeknownst to me, this post has made me want to go and get some chocolate cake so I think I'll be indulging in some by the end of tonight. If only my willpower was a bit better.

  14. No... Time goes by so slowly for those who wait. No time to hesitate.

    *in my best singing voice. Ha.

  15. Well this trip is more than just traveling ! It's the start of our life( bit deep)! Some people get married and work 70 hours a week which is fine if that's what you want to do? But it's not for us!

    So you never know 3 years could be 20 Years but then again it could be 6 months! We aren't putting pressure on it ! But I can't wait ! I only have 8 days of work left til I go !

    Well I am honored !! I will do you proud dcg don't uew worrie !

  16. Me and the bird can relate to the aging hippie !

  17. @Maxwell, and now you are following me twice ! I don't like firefox, it's too confusing for my ageing brain.
    @GB, I wasn't 'normal' before this.
    @Yeamie, thanks - have some for me I've eaten all of mine.
    @WW, I can hear you from here.
    @Stu, nah not deep - just a great way to go about it, I wish you luck :) Gimme another comment with ur email (I wont publish) then I can let you have mine to send the post.

  18. I sometimes get night sweats and I'd better not have the frigging menopause. I can't do with ladies problems or people like Victoria Wood singing about them.

  19. About those hot flashes. Try cutting out caffeine. I found that caffeine was the culprit that exacerbated the problem for me. When I gave up caffeine, I stopped having flashes almost altogether! Good luck.
    Wow--a month in India. That sounds exciting. Enjoy!

  20. Oooh I'll do some guest posts. I will miss you while your gone, but that won't be for a while yet. My legs refuse to get comfortable but being a young male I doubt it has anything to do with my nonexistent vagina. Menopause, like periods, seem to be mother natures way of saying to a woman "You can have kids" (well I suppose menopause is the message "Your baby producing days are over", if I've learnt anything about female anatomy). I still have your email, and you still have mine, and you now have me on Facebook, so we have several avenues to chat on doing guest posts. Also a HUGE congratulations on those milestones :) I'm getting near 200 followers, but nowhere near that many pageviews. I want cake.

  21. Hmmm, this post has only just shown up in my reading list and I can see I'm well late for the party. Don't suppose there's any chocolate cake left? I am totally, TOTALLY jealous that you're off to India. That country has been high on my list for way too long. I am determined to get there next year.

    Congrats on your Followers and stats. Well deserved, imo. I love your blog!

  22. I have a cure for the what i call jiffly legs ! You get them when your over tired and what you need to do is either ............ Get someone to slap the soles of your feet or stand on a cold florr for about 15 mins or so !

  23. Sod the menopause, I'm more bothered about that fact that my boobs are heading South. Seriously, I almost tripped over them when coming down the stairs the other day.

  24. How do you make a hormone?
    Don't pay her.
    Okay, I know that had nothin' to do with your post, but I saw the word 'hormone' above and just thought to trot out that old joke.
    I'm off to count my followers now. I hope my mom is still there.

  25. i did not know you were going to india!!!!!

    listen, i really like that i have your bitching to watch while you go through the women's worst nightmare of aging. i will be looking up to you when i need to bitch about it myself.

    right now, my hot flash is a head cold that has me sweating beyond comfort. i hope menopause is no worse than this feeling i'm feeling now. good god shoot me please if it is.

  26. Fuck. The thought of a month without any DCG posts makes me wanna break out in a sweat. Ugh. (<-- selfish. Hope you have a grand ass time, of course.)

    Awesome (and very non surprising) news on your ever increasing followers!

  27. I know that sometimes I get texts.. from the FUTURE! The time stamp gives it away, it's the ones from my future self that are really creepy, you see in the future I am a stalker.. I think this is what is happening with phantom followers, according to Mchammed's scalar comment principle, the blogosphere is a plenum of potential opinions and phantom blog readers.. It's funny that they are called FOLLOWERS, yet we don't actually GO anywhere.. I think that's why they get bored and turn into stalkers.. I could do with a few more of either type really, I'm not fussy. Although reliable sources tell me I have at least 2000 anonymous ones.. I need another coffee.... PS. it should be called "MenoSTOP"

  28. The cake is a good start. Other than that, I don't know. All I remember is that once upon ago, when my mother hit menopause, it was a nightmare. One night the entire house would be set to a warm temperature, the next night it felt like I was camping in the arctic. Not a fun time.

  29. @Tony, anything to do with Victoria Wood should be banned.
    @Eva, I'm addicted to caffeine. That's a big deal, but I might give it a shot.
    @Mark, I only want one more now. I get the message - I just wish it didn't make me so goddam sweaty.
    @Vee, I'll make another and send you some when your home lol.
    @Stu, thanks - but I'll give them a miss.
    @Lily, you're not the only one.
    @Al...just LOL. With jokes like that she's maybe not.
    @Andrea, I will lend you my gun.
    @BBG, I know - how will my sheep survive. Don't worry, I have a couple of treats lined up.
    @Fraser, that happens to my phone too. Glad it's not just me. . and would you follow if there was somewhere to go. And you're right about the name.
    @ABFTS, Hahaha, my house is exactly the same. Son is not happy, but I think that's more about the temp of my mood.


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