Sunday, 12 February 2012

♥♥♥ be my valentine ♥♥♥

I'm reposting this for a few reasons.

a) It's relevance to this time of year means that it's currently getting a lot of hits.
b) LAWAFM was a month old when I wrote it, so a lot of current readers won't of seen it anyway.
c) My opinion of the subject matter hasn't changed.
d) I'm too fucking lazy to write a new Valentine post.

Yes folks once again it’s nearly Valentines day, that special day when you and your loved one can give each other gifts and cards as a token of your affection for each other.

Or feel suicidal and socially inept because you’re single.
Well having seen some of the recent facebook status updates from single people I get the impression that’s what’s happening with them. And the coupled up ones seem to be dropping large hints.

Actually I thought that the purpose of a valentine card was to send it anonymously to someone you secretly admire ? 
Which presumably should mean that if you’re single and not entirely happy about that then you would look forward to the day when you wake up to 628 cards from would-be lovers ? For fuck sake at least postpone the hairdryer in the bath until after the postman’s been.

I still remember the first time I was given a valentine card - from a boy in school when I was about 13 - this card was HUGE and presented to me in front of all my friends. 

The people who feel suicidal because they have no-one to send them a card should try feeling how I felt when that happened, embarrassed just doesn’t even come close. 
Shamed perhaps. 
And that was nothing to how the boy that gave it to me must of felt at my initially horrified reaction, which then turned to laughter as a means of saving myself from the endless piss taking that would’ve followed from my friends if I’d even appeared to like it - I didn’t anyway. I sorta feel a bit bad about that now, I mean HOW much courage did that take ? Now I’m wondering if he ever gave anyone another card - who knows maybe he was so traumatised by the taunting that followed that he gave up on love and joined a monastery.
Kids can be vile and we were.

However as an adult I don’t subscribe to the whole valentines debacle, even when I’ve had a partner.
I think it’s just another commercial exercise for card companies and the like to make money, much the same as mothers day and fathers day really.
Except that as mothers day approaches you don’t suddenly see people writing “oh my gosh I must have a baby otherwise all my friends will be getting cards and I’m just going to be sat at home alone with nobody to breast feed and a stretch mark free body”. And if anyone did they’d be told they were fucking sad and stupid, but valentines ? Seems you can feel as sorry for yourself as you like and all your friends will commiserate.

I’d like to think if someone loved me they didn’t need to have a date in the calendar as a reason to show me that they did. You can bring me chocolates and gifts anytime you like, and it’s much more likely to be appreciated if it’s done just because someone saw something and thought I’d like it, then because they felt like they have to as it’s the 14th feb and the fucking great huge display in the shop reminded them.

Truth is I don’t think I have a romantic bone in my body, and all that forced lovey doveyness just makes me want to puke.

Feel free to print this off and give to your loved ones.
(Great idea Jamie)

I don’t really like cut flowers either - essentially if you give someone flowers you’re giving them something that’s dying a slow death, so anyone who dares to bring me flowers is getting treated a bit scornfully. 
I’d once had this massive argument with a boyfriend two days before valentines - not that I was even aware of the date, like I say it’s never bothered me and it never will - its all the facebook comments that prompted me to write this. 
But, we’d had this row that I started because really I wanted to finish with him, but the fucker had walked out in the middle of it and not been seen since. Presumably thinking I’d forget about it (no fucking chance, I’m like an elephant, and that is not a reference to my huge arse). So anyway there’s a knock on my door and there he is - holding this large bunch of flowers.
Four things there I got an issue with :
  1. Him.
  2. The CUT flowers.
  3. The that fact he walked out on the row.
  4. I think he got the flowers as he thinks they’re gonna make me forget about issues 1-3.
Lets just say he moved off my doorstep pretty quick….swiftly followed by the flowers. My friend (his housemate) rang me a while after telling me what a bitch I was because he got them for valentines and not to make up for the row.
Silly cunt shoulda got me chocolates…at least I might’ve been nice to him while I ate them.

And there’s another pressure there really - if you are part of a couple on valentines day what exactly should you get for a present ?
I’ve noticed a few people who seem to be having problems with this. How much of a gesture is too much, or not enough ? Given that if you do it’s supposed to be an expression of love what if your relationship is still quite new and the L word hasn’t even entered into it yet ?
I knew someone whose boyfriend had said he was getting her something very special and the silly mare got herself all excited and was convinced that he was going to propose. So much so that before the big day had even arrived she was talking bridesmaids and bought one of those wedding magazines….turned out the present was a collectors item teddy bear.
For ages afterwards if I saw her I always said the same thing “lets see your ring then Julie…oh no, sorry, I meant your teddy “.

I think I’m better off remaining cynical about the whole thing
Even if being single means I have no choice.

Anyways I’ve rambled on enough about this, plus I have to go and sweep the path ready for the postman - you never know..........

Update : after posting this a friend made a valuable suggestion regarding the issue of what to buy a loved one for valentines day, "you can never go wrong with lube. It's never out of fashion and comes in a variety of colours and flavors. Lube, the gift that shows you care". 
Thanks Jamie.


  1. I have issues with lube, but it is a gift that shows you care. As for V-Day, I take the normal cynical approach, though most just think it's because I've never had one. Who knows? All I know is this year I'm supposed to be spending it with Jessie so eh, could be good.

    1. Should I be keeping my fingers crossed for you then ?

  2. I've never read this before but I love it, perfect post for Valentine's Day, DCG, great stuff! Shame you don't post more often!

    1. If I could find the damn mojo I might, fucker keeps running away.
      But then it's all about quality not quantity.

  3. Funny. Perhaps I should repost my Valentine's blog. We even unwittingly used the same cupid picture.

  4. Valentines day is a joke to me...and the Mrs. We both hate it and do not observe this stupid day. I don't want to say too much because I will be posting my thoughts on Valentines day.

  5. I'm totally printing off that card for C.

    1. Hahaha, Jamie, and I'm totally putting on my FB! :D

    2. So now I'm a card designer. Yay me !!
      @Vee, gonna find you and add you...just so I can see my work being appreciated.

  6. A bag of chips, followed by a packet of cheese n onion crisps and topped off with a ciggie. That will do me for Valentine's day.

  7. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it.

    Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day!

  8. Fuck OFF Valentine's Day!!!
    Evil fucking bullshit day anyhow. All that gratuitous head. Why does anyone need a day for head?
    THAT would be the REAL holiday!
    Happy HEAD Day To YOU!
    Who wouldn't celebrate that?!?!?
    BUT noo- instead, we have this fucking shit... And I have many romantic bones in my body. It is just too bad nofuckingbody I ever dated did.
    AND also:
    Fuck you Hallmark (TM) Right in the arse- WITH NO LUBE!

    Think I shall go pick up some wine and chocolates for myself for Tuesday! After all, I f'n deserve it!

    1. LOL.
      And isn't it about time we had a new post from you Violet ???
      It's been far too long.

  9. From one cynic to another - I looooove that picture of cupid taking an arrow in the back...

  10. I think I have grown to hate every single fucking holiday. Let me think just a minute . . . . Yup! Can't think of even one I like.


  11. Cowgirl...seriously, how DO you feel about Valentines Day?? Anyway, I hope some one gets you chocolates....or nothing at all! Ha ha ha!

  12. Hell yeah, I remember this post! I've been following you that long huh?
    Made me lol then.

    Good gawd, it still made me lol now! This time, I will immortalize that V-tine Card!

  13. I hope the postman does ring twice for you!

  14. The Mother's Day comparison is really, really effective.

    I'm going to steal it from you for... well, probably my Valentine's Day conversations next year.


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