Wednesday, 2 May 2012


My name is Dirtycowgirl and I am an addict.

I am controlled by a demon and it's name is nicotine.
Like every smoker I know all about the risks and what it is doing to my lungs, and I keep saying I'm going to quit, but whilst the brain might think this is a wise idea the willpower says no. I actually gave up for 14 months about 8 years ago, but in a moment of stressed-angry-I-want-to-fucking-kill-someone I reached for my emotional crutch and in the space of two weeks was back to my old lung destroying ways.
I think that being a smoker is a bit like being an alcoholic, you will always be one, but you might get to be a smoker who hasn't had a fag for twenty years. I know people who quit years and years ago who will say that although they will never smoke again there are still times when they find themselves wanting one.

And the truth is that despite all the knowledge of the effects it has on my health I like smoking.
I like to think it makes me look like this :

Even though the reality is more like this :

I started smoking when I was 12. (Yeah, I know). My friend Janet and I decided to smoke because we thought it would make us look grown up, sexy and more attractive to boys. Not that either of us would've known what to do with a boy if the plan had worked at that age. But this was before tobacco advertising was banned and a packet did not come with grotesque pictures and health warnings plastered all over it. It also helped that Janets family owned and lived above a shop, so it was very easy to steal sneak a packet.

The main flaw in the plan to attract the opposite sex was that we were both so scared of getting caught smoking our contraband stash that we used to go and sit under a bridge near her house to do it. It was pretty cosy under there but not exactly a hub of social activity. Although we managed, with the aid of menthol cigarettes, to perfect the art of "taking it down". This enabled us to not cough our guts up with every drag blow the smoke out of our noses (even sexier, or so we thought). Eventually we decided that we needed to take our boy-magnet skills out to the world at large, so we got some money (I don't remember how but I'm pretty sure it involved minor larceny) and got a train to the next town.
So there we are, parading up and down the High Street chain smoking out of our noses and on the look out for unsuspecting males, and not having much luck. But we did bump into two of my Aunties.
Which resulted in a call to my Mum.

I only became a regular smoker and therefore addicted when I started working at 15. As that was in the days before there was so much employment law (am I making myself sound old here), even though it was supposed to be an after school/Saturday job my boss told me that if was bunking having a day off I could go in to work. Given the choice between school and earning money I was at work more then I was in the classroom and consequently had enough money to develop as many bad habits as I wanted.

Until the day I was sat on my checkout and my Maths teacher was in the queue.
Which also resulted in a call to my Mum.

I've never been what you might call a heavy smoker, a packet of twenty will last me 2 or 3 days, but I did eventually progress to the joys of smoking weed.

I was then a regular weed smoker for a very long time, but that stopped when I quit cigarettes and when I began smoking them again I tended to go through phases with weed. I could go for a very long time without it, but if I was at a friends and smoked a joint I'd invariably end up buying some myself. Then for a while I'd get back into it, until I realised that the lethargy that eventually comes with it was taking hold and I'd stop.
The last time I had a "stoner phase" was about two years ago. I wasn't working at the time so the effects of it didn't matter, but I stopped when I decided it was time to get back on the reality train and find a job. I'm not saying that I'll never be a regular weed smoker ever again, but I don't intend to.

I have always felt that had I not been a cigarette smoker I might never have tried weed, because the first time someone offered me a joint I would've said "no thanks I don't smoke". (And if I'd not been into weed then I might've said no to the other things that were offered to me - but that's another story).
But I guess if I ever do succeed in giving up the fags that'll be the end of all of it.

Nowadays the help-you-stop-smoking products are advertised everywhere, but I don't think any of them really work unless you want to stop (when I quit I did it cold turkey) - willpower is the key, not gum, patches or inhalers. They might help with the craving but they do nothing to break the habit, that's all down to you. I know someone who was insisting that her doctor give her Champix because "they worked for me before". Really ? If they worked that well why are you needing them to quit again ?
Nah, like I say, unless you REALLY want to stop nothing will help, and if you REALLY want to stop that much then that should be all you need to do it.

I am halfheartedly cutting down, if I have none in the morning I will sometimes wait until the evening to go to the shop, or if I know I only have a couple left when I leave work I don't buy any on the way home. Son smokes roll-ups so I might get him to make me one of them (to this day I can roll all kinds of fancy joints and I don't need a mat but I can't make a rolly fag to save my fucking life), but I don't really like them so I'll maybe just have one to kill the craving, whereas I'd smoke 4 or 5 cigarettes. Every little helps.
And, as I said, it's been two years since I smoked a joint.

Last night I only had one cigarette left when I got in so I saved that for after my dinner, and Son had gone out so I knew I wasn't going to smoke anymore for the rest of the night.
That's fine. By 10.30 when I decided to go to bed I was craving badly but doing my best to ignore the nagging voice in my head saying "smoke. . nicotine . . smoke. . need to smoke". I went to get myself a drink and saw an ash tray on the kitchen side with an unsmoked roll-up in it.
Fucking result !
(Son tends to make a few up at a time, so it's not unusual to find one about the house).
So I smoked it.
And about six puffs in when I started to feel a bit odd realised that it wasn't a cigarette at all.


By the time Son got in I was a giggling mess and when I told him what I'd done he said "well it's lucky I've got this...." and produced a bar of chocolate from his bag.
Fucking double result !

However today I've not been feeling exactly bright.
And no. I'm not tempted to buy a bag of weed.
And Son has been told not to leave anything other then tobacco where I'm likely to find it.


  1. I posted a comment there but I had some Blogger issues while it was sending so I'm not sure if you received it or not. Basically it was just about how you getting caught twice really made me laugh and how hard I've found it to completely quit smoking this year. I'm sorry if the other comment did send and this is a double post too, please just delete it if it is!

  2. I totally agree with you about the smoking and trying to quit. You definately need all willpower but the products do help a bit with the cravings. As for weed I haven't had a joint in about 8 years and have no real craving for it. As for linking them Nah cause I know quite a few people who don't smoke but are quite the weed smokers.

  3. Great post! I love your blog because you are so goddamn honest.
    I never could smoke because of my bad genes (I inherited my Dad's crappy lungs), but when I was little my Grandfather smoked a pipe and I always thought it'd be cool if I could grow up and smoke a pipe... But alas, it just wasn't meant to be. :)

  4. You know how to make me smile. Thanks for keeping it real, Cowgirl.

  5. It's kind of cool you've accepted your son smoking weed so much. Then again you did it too, and he is a grown man now. I think. I don't smoke but nearly every one is in my family does, and some of them have quit more than once. You can only quit if you really want to, and if you really really want to, then you won't need any help. I've tried cigarettes a few times, but I've never tried weed, and don't really plan to. I have nothing against smokers though, and think there are too many rules against you. Even though I don't smoke I flipped out a bit at the stupidity of making it so that tobacco products actually can't be displayed. It's fucking stupid.

  6. Hahahaha! That last picture is a hoot...see what I did there?

    I too started smoking at 12, back in the days when kids could by a 'oner' from under the shop counter for 10p.
    I gave up a few years ago but was so bloody miserable and weepy, that my mum and the Lil man, practically begged me to take it up again.
    Champix was brilliant in giving up a third time...except for the nausea...and the dizziness...and the huge lumps that appeared under my armpits...I might go back to the doctors and ask for it again.

  7. I have always wanted to quit smoking.... but the voice inside my head always says I'm not ready to. It's all about willpower... and I have none!

    I smoke over a pack a day. I smoked while reading this and am smoking again as I comment. Aside from the health risks, it's expensive as fuck! I always thought I would be able to quit if it ever affected my ability to provide for my family. I was dead wrong. I actually have to skip out on bills occasionally to make sure I have enough money for smokes.

    I'm a shy person so smoking helps get me through uncomfortable situations. Makes me look occupied. It's not just the nicotine I need, it's the hand to mouth movements, keeping my hands busy.

    I smoke weed too. I have no plans of quitting any time soon. I can't afford to buy these days but that don't stop me from scoring a buzz several times a week. I had a feeling that when you smoked the "cigarette" in the ashtray that it wouldn't actually be a cigarette. Too funny!

    Going without smokes turns me into a monster. Sometimes if I'm out, I would dig through the ashtrays and tear open the butts and roll a smoke out of them. It's pathetic. Just think, if I didn't have rolling papers around for my weed, I would be fucked!

  8. I agree with you-you have to want to quit. All the tricks in the world (e.g., nicotine patch, gum, etc.) aren't going to do the a thing until you decide you're going to quit.
    On the lighter side, those frikkin' owls killed me.

  9. I've been a smoker for so long I can barely remember what it was like to not smoke. I hate being a smoker, the only problem is like you say even if you quit there's a big difference between an ex-smoker and a non-smoker.

    Take away lesson here, is always be suspicious of home rolled smokes.

  10. I love it when i click on a new blog and its FASCINATING! You're fun. I like that! Where do I sign up? Oh there it is....

  11. You could always try hypnosis. A skilled practitioner could put an idea in your brain giving you an aversion to cigarettes. He could also give you an urge to give him a blowjob so maybe take a friend with you.

  12. I've given up on quitting my nicotine addiction. I have several times in the past. It was probably more of a break. If it happens, it happens. The truth is, what will truly kill a person is not cigarettes, but stress. Or so this is what I tell myself.

  13. Brilliant post lmao :)
    I used to smoke and yes I could light one up right now, but I wanted to stop so I did ! with a little help from a car dealer, I have zero will power and failed on numerous occasions so, I went out for a packet of fags and came home with a spanking new car :)
    What I spent on cigs a month now went on payments for the car so I couldn't afford to smoke it worked, although I almost lapsed recently when the car payments were coming close to ending, I started craving cigs again only one solution Yes I just bought another new car Back on track !!

  14. You are damn right: quitting only works when you really want it, when a switch flicks in your head. Happened to me many years ago (10?)after 16 years of smoking and I never crave or want one.

    I decided one evening, when I couldn't be bothered to buy a new packet when I only had 7 fags left, that I might as well quit. Smoked the last 7 and enjoyed them and the next day began my life as a non-smoker.


  15. Saw a guy blowing smoke out through a hole in his throat, a guy with half of his lower face gone and a person with scars from lighting his oxygen on fire while trying to light a cigarette in one week once. Took me about two years of throwing away about eight packs a week but I finally quit.
    very funny blog.

  16. Our children are a danger to us. I am blogging again and open to the public. I think you might have to re-join me to get me back in your reader. Come back to me! And no fags when I visit you. Sorry, but the smoke hurts my throat and makes me cough and cough and cough and . . .


  17. Is it weird that I imagined all of that in black and white?

  18. I never learn my lesson, which is, don't change your blog because it also screws up your life. I'm not getting back in Google Reader and my followers don't know what to do and everyone hates me. Same old same old.


  19. that's funny all the letters kept glowing as i was reading they are all in black...oh and there is a neon border around it too....wowww....shit...all the lights outside are pretty...
    oh where was i? hello? oh...hahaha...
    and that is the reason i cannot smoke pot....well that and the fact that it took me about, like, a whole fucking hour to take off a pair of docs that cold august night two years ago...the laces were taunting me!
    as for the smokes...egad...a professional smoker was i until recently...until a friend introduced me to vaping..y'know the electronic fags...they fed my nicotine jones and basically allowed me to taper down until, more smokes
    fuck yeah it is hard giving up...i tried everything from gum to hoodoo spells to hypnosis (made me think i was a turkey for a day after that) to champix, which nearly gave me a tummy ulcer...
    anyway i have been raving..good can be done :)

  20. I am one of those that hasn't smoked in years, but STILL occasionally want one. I have even found myself reaching toward my pocket to fish out a cigarette when there hasn't been any there for over 15 years.

  21. i do have to say, that stoner owl makes me pee myself laughing every time.

    especially when the pain killers have set in ;P

    smoking is the hardest drug to kick. but you're a strong soul. when you want something done, you'll do it xoxo

  22. Smoke if you want. Quit if you want. No biggie.
    ANd I agree about missing it, which most ex smokers do.
    I went 3 years or so cigg-free and decided to try it on a lark.
    I thought I would be an instant smoker again.
    Just felt a little green and was over it.

    Now if I could get to that point with my ex-lover i'd be a 100% success story.

  23. Of all the things I've given up - nicotine was the hardest! And, after eight years, I still miss it!! I smell someone smoking and that first puff is intoxicating to me, then I remember, oh yeah..I quit...damn!! I've been going through a rough patch and almost bought a pack of cigarettes last weekend and got to the point of asking how much they were. When she told me how much my Cowboy Killers were I was shocked into not buying a pack. Holy crap they've gotten expensive since I quit.

  24. Yet another post that made me smile. Thanks, dcg, I need it. :)

  25. I quit at the new year but i still smoke weed on the occasion but pure !! It can be done!

    But its hard to teach an old dog new tricks i guess :)

  26. Yeah, I remember doing drugs for a whole week one night...I finally got it down to my only vice...Beer. And not just any beer. I drink Corona's but instead of the lime I put in a shot of Bacardi Limon Rum. That is my Achilles heel. Chances are good that when I go see the doctor next, that they won't find my liver...


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