Thursday, 15 March 2012


The very lovely Janie Junebug is running a weekly series of guest posts on her blog on the subject of intimacy. She wants to know what that means to different people, and the posts so far have all been very interesting and diverse.

And now thanks to me the tone has been lowered to gutter level.

Unfortunately due to the nefarious Dr X and his concubines reading her blog she was forced to make it private a while ago, so as some of you will be unable to read it I am posting it here today as well. If you want to know more about Dr X, contribute to the series, or just read Janie - and this lady can write, then go to her profile and send her an email.
Everyone is welcome. . . . apart from he who shall not be named !


When Janie first asked me if I wanted to write a contribution to this topic it left me rather stumped.

Because she said it should be "a post about intimacy, not sex, real intimacy", and in my world you can't have one without the other.
The way my emotions are wired sex, love and intimacy are all sides of the same coin.

Well that's not entirely correct.
I can have sex without intimacy, have done, more times then I care to remember a few times.
But just not the other way round.

The saying goes the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, it's the same for me, except you need to reach my stomach via a different route.
I've had some great sex with men I wasn't in love with, but I've never fallen in love with anyone who wasn't giving me mind blowing, swinging from the chandeliers, how the fuck do I manage to get my legs in that position sex.

Don't misunderstand me, I know that when you find intimacy it becomes about more then sex. But I just can't get there without it, and I have experienced that feeling of being so in tune with someone that it's almost like you can read each others minds.
But for it to last that needs to translate itself to a man who can read my mind so I don't have to tell him when to speed it up or slow it down or flip me over.
That's how I REALLY know that somebody gets me.

Sometimes I wonder if I was really ever love, because as soon as the sex diminished I went off the man pretty damn quick.

The way it works for me is I like someone, so the sex gets a bit better, so I like them more, the more I like them the more I want sex, the more sex we have the better it gets, until it gets to the point where I think I love them (and the very best sex is always with someone you love - for me THAT'S where the intimacy comes into it). And then I want it ALL the time.
When you get in from work.
At night.
If you have an extra half hour for lunch.
And don't be making plans that involve getting dressed at the week-end. Although I have a selection of outfits that might fit the occasion.

It's also at this point that I like to get a bit kinky.

And it's at this point that pretty much every man I ever got involved with started saying things like, and I quote. . .
"I can't do that with you, I love you and I respect you too much" (No, I'm not telling you what 'that' was, but he was on the way out the minute those words were out of his mouth).
"You just want me for sex" (Well no, but without it you're not getting anything else).
"If I had an accident and my cock got cut off you'd dump me" (Honestly ? Yeah, he was probably right).
"I'm not a human vibrator" (Clearly he wasn't, once his battery died there was no replacing it).
"All we ever do is fuck, can't we just cuddle" (FYI in my world cuddling is foreplay).
"Do NOT be waking me up with a blow job tonight, I need to sleep" ( I decided this one was gay).
"Why do you have to act like a slut all the time" (Because he told me he liked women who dress up, so I used to turn up at his house wearing. . . )
"Why can't you let me make the first move instead of jumping on me as soon as I get here" ( This one wanted me to make him dinner while he moaned about work...nah, help me work up an appetite first and then I'll let you order a pizza. His job was digging holes in the road. REALLY wanted to talk about that. Not.)
And once I heard those statements I knew the end was nigh.

Seriously, I thought men wanted a woman who is always up for it. And when I'm really into someone I am, truth is I think they found my libido intimidating.
But as soon as I start to feel anything approaching frustration any emotions I feel seem to die off.

Maybe that's why I'm single.
Some of the relationships I've had have left me rather cynical, but at the same time I think that I just haven't met anyone truly compatable, or maybe never found true love, and I'd like to think I can put a YET on the end of that.
My last boyfriend fucked with my head in ways that have nothing to do with this post, and I am only just now beginning to think that it might be time to put the hunting gear on again.

Because there are really only two things I miss about being with someone.
The first one, obviously, is sex.
I'm spending a fucking fortune on batteries.
But the other thing is intimacy, and by that I mean the closeness I only seem to be able to feel when I am physically close to someone.
Which means I'll be expecting a lot of sex.

And having just read this back I realise that while Janie wanted a post about intimacy I have in fact just written a post about sex.

I think that proves my point.

Here's the link for Janies profile. Or as I moderate my comments leave me your email (it won't be published) and I will pass on to her.
I love her - and you will too !


  1. I'm with you when it comes to being cynical Dirty Cow Girl, I've found I've been hurt a good bit and I don't know, I suppose I'm kind of jaded because of it, I just can't trust anybody.

    1. You might miss out because of it, but then I think it's better to be cautious.

  2. Well they don't call you the Dirtycowgirl for nothing. I'm beginning to really understand why people search your blog for such weird and wonderful things. I think I desire intimacy more than sex, they do go pretty much hand in hand, but for me intimacy is what leads to actual "love making", it's the emotional connection, as well as the physical.

    1. Funny thing is most of the nasty keywords take people to posts that have nothing to do with what they were looking for.

      I know you're on a go-slow at the moment but when you feel up to it maybe you should write a post for Janie too ? She plans for it to be a long running series so there is no hurry :)

  3. Working with so many women I hear stories all the time about men that turn down sex. The very concept of declining sex is so foreign to me that I literally can't understand it. If my wife made herself available right now, there would be no more words in this reply.

    1. Hahahaha

      So I now know what you were REALLY doing for all that time when you didn't post then ?

  4. DCG,
    If it weren't for the pond, I would assume we dated the same people. And I am with you. SInce when does the reality of intimacy and sex/passion lives intertwine enough for the reality to catch up with the mystery so many men say they want??? Come on already! It is a proven fact [proven here, and in conversations with my healthy, loving, sexy women friends] that women aren't less sexual as men are, we are just more f'n discerning. Well, many of us are. Women tend to lie and say they have had less partners [if they lie] whereas men [liar types] would exaggerate. Unfortunately, our stigmata'd society of puritanical bullcrappers thinks that it is best for men to be "promiscuous" but best for women to not be. Which could pose a problem for the folks who are not as expected. All that aside, I miss both the sex and the intimacy. At the same time. Love the mature sexlife I din't understand as a kid and wish I had that level of endorphin rush on the reg ... soon!!!
    This post was so well put, and I am stoked you shared.
    Going to check out your pal now!

    1. Maybe we have, I'm pretty sure some of the men I dated got around a bit.
      As have I, and I have no problem admitting that, although I don't like it when men ask that "how many" question because as you say and wrong as it is men and women are still judged by different standards.
      I'm glad you appreciated this, although I had no doubt you would be one of those who did :)

  5. WHOAH. That's a lot of stuff about sex. Very well written stuff about sex. I like sex too.
    Not sure what intimacy is, though.
    Is that where babies come from?

    1. Hahaha. Gweenie you have made more babies then me, so maybe I should be asking you that question.

  6. Men turning down sex? That's unheard of in these parts. Maybe I should send my wife over here for a chat...teach her how to crave sex as you do!

    And I agree, it is hard to separate intimacy with sex. They go together like bread and butter!

    1. You can't teach special powers.....

  7. "Do NOT be waking me up with a blow job tonight, I need to sleep"
    I can't imagine a better way to wake up. Oh, wait, yes, I can. That doesn't happen to me, either.
    Sex and intimacy are like Red Lobster.
    Sex are the ads that get you in the door. Intimacy says you'll stay for the crabs.
    Oh...wait...let me rephrase that.

    NOTE: I'm aware that the Red Lobster angle was a stretch. But, it made me giggle.

    1. Red Lobster: a new euphemism for the male member after too much sex???

    2. I am confused and amused all at the same time.

  8. What can I say? A very honest, direct and intimate sharing. I love what you have written here, openly expressed in women's terms.

    I also think it is about hell time you put on that "hunting gear" and get the show back on the road. Someone who can be at par with your sensuality may be just waiting in the open!

    1. I live in hope PB.

      Where have you been ?

  9. Well, you already know how I feel. I think intimacy and sex are two separate things that are then brought together to make one fabulous relationship. I had one guy that I didn't give one flip about, but the sex was fantastic. We did stuff I never even heard heard of before - awesome!!!! But, we weren't intimate with each other on an emotional level. I didn't care if I saw him every day or not or if he got that big promotion at work or whatever, but when it was time for a booty call, yep, I cared-or at least he thought I did...I just wanted to get laid.

    Now with D...well, it's the whole package. ****and more LOL***

    1. Oh stop boasting !

      Maybe I am just a little bit jealous.

  10. i don't sleep with people right away, because if i do, i get attached. i like to wait to see if they're a serial killer first.

    if they pass that test, and i'm still alive, then i can make a decision as to whether to sleep with them or not.

    then i do, fall in love and they become a luntic and i'm left with another one to dump.

    sex is evil!

    1. Hahahaha

      Andrea I am going to FB you and tell you just why the first part of that made me laugh.
      But also ALL of the people I got involved with turned out to be crazy one way or the other, but then there does come a point when you have to look at the pattern and wonder is it me ?


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