Thursday, 29 December 2011

cowgirl presents . . . #6

Hi folks, 
The highly esteemed and very 'bumable' dirtycowgirl, has bestowed upon me the honor of guest posting on her behalf whilst she is away being lazy sunning herself in warmer climes.
As she didn't have the time to ask anyone else an offering of gratitude, I bring you the following post...and remember after reading this, that hate crime (against me) and stoning (also against me) are both criminal acts in the western world.

There's a striped legged Okapi in my bathroom and it's standing by the sink.

The Lil man has an irrational fear of spiders and will often fall into throes of hysteria at the mere sight of one. It really is quite odd. I've no idea where he gets his strong aversion to arachnids from. (Cough)
I'm not even really sure how his phobia begun. (Cough cough) It really is  quite unnerving to see. (Not really, dem things is HUUUUGE!)


Sometimes he will spy an arachnid the size of a pin head from a pace of a 100 yards away and then a mild frenzy will ensue and by mild frenzy, I mean running around the house and wailing in a high pitch that only dogs and marine wildlife, such as Dolphins can hear. 
He will often exaggerate it's proportions: "I'm not lying mother. It really was the size of a four door, 6230cc, 4 speed automatic, 172 horsepowered 1969 Bentley".  
As well as it's activities: "And then it barred it's sharp poisonous fanged teeth, gave a deep growl from deep within it's stomach and almost blinded me with it's deadly venomous toxins"

I really haven't a clue where he gets he skill for the over dramatics from. (A-hem)
So when on Saturday morning I heard this-


Yes, this really was the best I could come up with for 'monster'...Bite me!

I expected to see a spider the size of which, I probably would only be able to identify by way of a very powerful microscope.
By the time I had fetched my trusted Electrolux 2000 and gone to rescue my child from the gaping maw of the savage and mutant monstrosity, it had inexplicably vanished.

Lil man panting and breathing quite heavily from fright: " I think it's gone behind the mirror".

Me panting and breathing quite heavily with the exertion of carrying the blasted Electrolux 2000 up fourteen bloody steps:" Okay, we'll wait here for a few seconds and see if it reappears".

30 bloody minutes later...

Me:Okay, it obviously isn't ready to show itself yet. Do you remember what it looked like?

Lil man: Yeah, it had an orange body and six legs. 

Me: OK.

Lil man: Oh yea and one eye.

Me: *Blink* 

Lil man:(*Blink*) You're going to ask me if I've been smoking crack again aren't you?

Me: Nope. I've made a promise that I shall no longer use those particular words again.

Lil man: Who did you promise?

Me: The readers of my blog.

Lil man: But the readers of your blog don't live here.

Me: I know.

Lil man: So how would they know if you've said it or not?...Oh...You're going to write about this aren't you?

Me: Yep.

Lil man: Well I doubt that your readers will be interested in this . . . any four of them. . . . 

Me (trying my best to ignore him as it takes all my effort not to grab him by the back of his scrawny neck and shove his head down the toilet, whilst laughing maniacally with glee): I think we should Google it and find out if such a creature exists.

So with that, we gathered around the computer, though I wasn't sure if two people could be classed as being able to 'gather' seeing as, well you know, there are only two of us.

Me typing out relevant info: So we're looking for an insect with an orange body and six legs?

Lil man: And one eye, don't forget the one eye.

Me:  Mmm. Let's leave that piece of information to one side for the moment shall we?

Lil man: OK. . .  (Watches silently as I type) What's 'Hot male on male action?"

Man action, not Action Man . . .stupid Google search! 
I'm pretty sure I dated this guy once. . . . 

Me: WHAT??!!

Lil man : ' It says there Hot. Male. On. Male. Action.'  Look, it's down the side of your browsing history. What is it?

Me: Oh. .um. .ooh it's hot in here. . .It's um. . .about. . er. . .it's about. . .

Lil man: And what's  'Breakfast on Tiffany and Inspect her gadget?' Shouldn't that be Inspector Gadget? I think they made a typo.

Me: Well. . .it's. . .it's. . .Oh look!  (as info comes up on screen via wiki answers, that font of pure knowledge.) Orange insect with six legs. But it says here that this one has stripes on it's legs. Did the one you saw have stripes?

Lil man ponders for a moment: Mmmm, yeah, I'm fairly certain it had stripes. . . (ponders some more) Yep, it definitely had stripes.

Me: Well according to this, our insect is called an Okapi.

Lil man excitedly: Quick, click on to images. 

So clicking on images, we both expected to see this:

But what we saw instead was this:

Me as jaw hits the floor: This is what you saw in the bathroom? You're telling me, that  THIS is exactly what you saw in the bathroom?

Lil man: Of course not, don't be was a little bit smaller than that.

I lily, will be appearing at a mental institution near you soon.


If that tickled you, go and check out Lily's blog. It's the absolute opposite of all those soppy mushy vomit inducing mommy blogs - she is single, and a parent but the similarity ends there.


  1. That was hilarious! I have the same exaggerated reaction to spiders, and all insects, to be fair! Can't blame the little guy!

  2. Ha ha ha, we'll be overrun by spiders when the kids leave home...ha ha ha 'but the readers of your blog don't live here...'
    thanks Lilly

  3. But that thing only has four legs. I hope my kids are as cool as that.

  4. This is so crazy, honestly. It sounds like something LSD induced in all seriousness haha.

  5. Hooray! Spiders and p*rn references! A couple of my fave's!

  6. Ha ha! Great post Lily!

    Spiders. Shudders. I have found four spiders, FOUR spiders, in only a matter of months in my new place. WTF? And they are all seemingly different varieties of spiders. I am getting the hibijibis just thinking about them, I 100% share you and your lil one's aversion to spiders.

    I understand that insects and arachnids are essential to life's balance and what not, but from time to time I have pondered why they are so creepy.


    I can't even fake the funk, the 'typical' mommy-centric blogs are not at all my scene. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your writing from another side of the spectrum, and I am impressed by your talent. :)


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