Friday, 2 December 2011

no problem

There are times when I think my life is just one long list of calamities, breakages, disasters and people and situations designed to wind me up. Everybody has those little things that go wrong from time to time, on their own each amounts to nothing more then a little hiccup in a day. But when you find yourself having enough in the course of a single week you have to wonder if there isn't someone up there looking down on you and laughing.
What can I do to piss her off today ?

I don't mean god, I don't actually believe in him. But I do believe in Karma - and I think she's a bit of a bitch and she doesn't like me very much. But she knows I can take it and she knows I can give as good as I get. I suspect she sends a lot of it my way because given to someone else it would not have quite so much entertainment value.

I'm kind of a jinx.
But I do have two saving graces, things with which I think I am blessed. One is my sense of humour as that's what stops me stressing about stuff. Nobody laughs at me, and the unfortunate events that follow me wherever I go, louder then I do myself.

The other is my gift of the gab. That can manifest as humour, bitchiness or just downright rudeness, but it never lets me down. And if blagging is an art form then I'm fucking Rembrandt. My latest triumph was phoning the company that provides my Internet, phone and satellite TV and telling them I had lost my job. I haven't, but I am fed up with giving them £60 a month. I managed to get it reduced to £20 a month for the TV and FREE Internet and phone rental for NINE MONTHS.
Yeah I'm good.

Rarely am I stuck for words in a tricky situation.
In fact they're usually out of my foul mouth before my brain has time to register what is being said. And I don't like to mince my words either.
I just read a post over on my friend Lilys blog and she kinda got me thinking, because she was saying how her blog is her but toned down, and I think the same applies here. Which then got me thinking about another calamity that happened yesterday morning, and how that was me SO NOT toned down.

I am walking to the train station.

The red arrows are the direction I was walking in.

As I'm stood about to cross the road at A, dozy cow in big car pulls in.
There is plenty of space so I thought she would just drive in and park as she can only be going to the shop, and given that it's raining you would think she'd want to park as close to the entrance as possible.
So I start to walk over the road aiming for B.
As I'm halfway across, and it's a side street so not wide, dozy cow starts to reverse.
Why ? There's enough room in front of her for a fucking bus.
So I take a step back and go to walk around her front to C.
And the idiot starts driving forward.

I just put my hands in the air and said (not shouted) "make your fucking mind up".
I changed direction again and got to B.
As I walked past she had her window open and I said,
"Don't you ever look in your mirror"
She wound her window up - quickly - and mouthed "fuck off" at me.
Now normally I would've said more, but as per I was a bit late and in danger of missing the train, so instead I just gave her the finger and walked off.

I turned the corner and started walking up the road D.
After about 5 mins the dozy cow pulls up, not beside me mind you, there are parked cars between us, winds her window down and shouts.
"Oy ! You ! What's your problem ?"
Seriously ? You really want me to tell you ? All brave sat inside your car with the engine on. Right then. . .
"FAT CUNTS WHO CAN'T PARK THEIR VEHICLES, WHY ? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM ?  Why don't you get out of your car and come over here and ask me to my face ?"

She drove off.
Probably a good thing she didn't get out 'cos she WAS a fat cunt. If she had sat on me I'd be laid up with broken bones right now. Chicken shit bitch.

Did you like that one Karma ?
I think Karma might be in league with the mentalpause.

Sooner I get on that beach and chill the fuck out the better I reckon.

For the rest of the walk to the station adrenalin had kicked in and I was fuming. But she made me miss the train, so when I got there I called my friend and by the time I had finished telling her what happened I was crying with laughter.

In the course of talking about this more when I got to work, my mates and I ended up talking about other times we had lost our tempers, and the conversation was hilarious. Even though we were discussing times when we had actually felt VERY angry.
Laughter really is the best medicine.
A long time ago there was a really tragic thing that happened in my family, and I remember this one conversation with my sister where we were both crying and one of us, not sure who, said something and the next minute we were laughing. I think I learned then that if you can find even the smallest thing to laugh about in the greatest times of sadness you're probably going to be alright.
It's the antidote to every negative emotion.

I also have a rather unfortunate habit of laughing when I'm nervous or have to tell someone something bad. Even if I can contain the laugh out loud I have no control over the grin that gets stuck on my face.
Possibly liable to make a person think you're more interested then you are cute and endearing on a first date.
Understandable and can make you seem pervy whilst having a breast examination for a lump. Luckily pap smears don't make me nervous.
Excusable (if you explain why you are sat there resembling the joker) during a job interview. Might actually be useful if "a good sense of humour" is listed in the job spec.

Not so good when telling your neighbour that you have just found his beloved cat dead in your garden.

Or when in a previous managerial role you had to tell someone they were losing their job.
Although to be fair she was a liability and I was very happy to be doing it.

And FYI in order to avoid unnecessary calamities it's a good idea not to put grey carpet on your stairs when you have a grey cat that likes to sit on them and a broken dimmer (that only does very dim) on the light switch. I can't work out whether the cat thinks I'm trying to kill him or if he's trying to kill me.

Reminds me of a date I once went on.

Actually I think although laughter might indeed be the best medicine, blogging is a very good placebo. More and more I find when life throws one of it's little hiccups at me I think "I can bore people with write about this".

Which makes me wonder if Karma and Blogger are in fact the same person ?
Or have at least done some kind of a deal.


  1. I'm pretty sure you're British too so it's weird to see you up and blogging at this time of night. Great post as usual anyway, sometimes when things bring me down I find my ability to talk a lot of nonsense yet make it seem relevant and confidence inspiring is one of my best traits so I can empathise with what you're saying there for definite!

  2. Remember......vacation..........vacation............
    While dozy cows freeze................

  3. I totally agree that laughter is the best medicine. Stop by my blog on Saturday for some Saturday Silliness--I guarantee you'll be laughing!

  4. I'm sure that I'm driving my neighbour bat shit crazy by laughing so loudly at 3:00 in the morning. But if she pounds on that wall one more time, I'm going to go round there and punch her in her vagina!

    I tone down my behaviour when appropriate but I find that as I get older, my mouth seems to run away with me.

    I'm always respectful to my mum's friends when we meet but when one of them said that I had put on some weight, I answered, "yeah, it's my illness, what's your excuse?" Spawn was livid and uttered his favourite line as we walked away, "bloody cheek, she's so fat that the sun orbits around HER!"

    Great go to bed!

  5. You are a fucking genius, Jane.


  6. Karma can be a real bitch, but I think she doesn't mind you that much. I have a similar sense of humour, I can laugh at anything in any kind of situation. Plus I seem to have a similar relationship with karma.

  7. @Yeamie, yeah I am - but I don't sleep very well. I can talk shit for hours, it's a gift I reckon.
    @Al, I know - but first I gotta get there without being arrested.
    @Eva, I will :)
    @Lily, Yeah me too, I never had much restraint but the little I did have has gone over the years. If you do punch her take a pic, we can have a caption comp for it lol. I love that kid. Sounds like he's a right chip.
    @Lola. I KNOW ! But thanks anyway.
    @iwf, great init ?
    @Mark, Glad it's not just me then, although that just makes it more apparent that she is a bitch.

  8. They may be the same person for sure. Your story is hilarious and that picture of the two cats made me blow soda out my nose! Have a a great trip to the beach.

  9. If you believe in Karma you've got something in common with the Hari Krishnas, which is a pretty funny thought. Do you think you could chant their mantra without laughing?

  10. hey, it;s kage! i followed you back :) i love your blog; i must have done something right in a previous life! lol

  11. bahahaha...
    what a keraaazy story...fucking absent minded i didnt mean that fucking..i meant the other...oh you im all confused about myself and my appearance...i can see that bin coming up to engulf me, but before i go lemme say...

  12. dirty, you and i would get into MUCH trouble with cows like this.

    i'll tell ya ... i'm not good at keeping my cool around stupid.

  13. It's a good thing you're across the pond - you and I would get into way to much trouble together! My brother in laws have asked me to shut the hell up because I'll mouth off to guys too which tends to put them in an awkward position when they're around.

    I have the same philosophy as you: laughter is the best medicine. I've laughed at the most inappropriate times and only my true friends and family get it. (look at my alzheimer post) I also threw a keg party when my first husband died - sometimes you just have to laugh even when people think it's the worst thing to be doing.

    Thanks for referring me over to this post. I LOVE it!!


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