Tuesday, 29 May 2012


Oh the joys of getting older.

I wrote a post a while ago about the negative effect it is having on my eyesight, so I'll leave that particular symptom out of this. If I repeat myself it might seem like I've forgotten what I already said, and I don't want to give the impression that dementia is setting in.

I'm sure it's only a matter of time but I've never had the best memory anyway, I'm forever going upstairs then forgetting what I went to get. Or finding whichever item I want straight away then spending half an hour looking for the thing that is actually in my hand. Or going all the way to the supermarket because I need some sugar but it's far cheaper there then the shop at the top of the road, spending sixty quid then getting home, needing a coffee and at that point realising that I forgot the fucking sugar I went there for in the first place.
So I don't know that anyone will notice if I do get dementia.

But I am beginning to realise that every cloud does indeed have a silver lining.

For a start there's the mentalpause to contend with. The obvious upside to that is the monthly visitor no longer comes around which of course saves on one expense. But thanks to the endless hot flashes I think I might have stumbled upon a way to supplement my income by hiring myself out as an alternative energy source. And if anybody is thinking of having a barbecue for a large reasonable fee I will come and provide the outdoor heating for your guests.

And due to the newest addition to my catalogue of ageing symptoms, night sweats, I am saving a fortune on the heating bill. Although it does mean that I'm permanently tired from the constant battle with my quilt.
Get too hot so wake up.
Kick it off.
Go back to sleep.
Get too cold so wake up.
Pull it back.
Get too hot so wake up.
Kick it off . . .

All fucking night. Every fucking night. And I am having some very bizarre dreams when I do sleep. Including a sex dream about Will-i-am-an-annoying-twat-and-according-to-my-dream-a-crap-shag-too. That's what you get for watching the voice and laughing at his inability to string a coherent sentence together without saying the word dope. Ironic really, as he just comes across as being a bit dopey.
Also ironic that a show called the Voice has a judge that can't open his mouth without thinking for five minutes and clearing his throat ten times before speaking. He is that irritating I would happily clear his throat for him with the use of a garrote.

Anyway I digress, back to the original topic. The positive side to getting older.
Did you realise that women actually start to gain a Superpower once we get past 40 ?

It's true.
We become invisible.

Personally I would've preferred the ability to fly, or even something like being able to shoot flames out of my fingertips but I'll take what I can get.
A friend first pointed out this strange phenomena to me, well obviously since I can always see me I didn't realise that other people - in particular men - couldn't, but once I was made aware I realised it is indeed true.

Now THIS I could've had some fun with.

To get the full effect you need to be standing next to another female who is under 40, in fact the younger or blonder the better as the effect of the invisibility will be magnified considerably. If she has big boobs too then it works to the point where you can become completely transparent.

However the effect can be slightly counteracted if even though you are over 40 you are also blonde and/or boobalicious. So if you want to lessen the invisibility then I suggest investing in some peroxide and serious push-up engineering to overcome the ageing females worst enemy.
I happen to think that gravity and Mother Nature are in collusion and Mother Nature might make the flowers bloom and the sun shine but when it comes to the female of the species she's a bit of a bitch. Because just when you get to the age where you have totally lost all the insecurities of youth, and feel comfortable in your own skin, sure of yourself and who you are, she decides to alter the skin so it doesn't quite fit as well as it used to.
Then she gets gravity to come on over and send the contents of most of the skin South.

I swear the pair of them are having a fucking good laugh at the joke they've played on us.

Well they obviously failed to take account of the Superpower, because if they can't see me then they can't laugh at me either. I am going to try and test this ability in other situations too, other then the social settings I've experienced it in so far.
Maybe I can walk into a jewellers and help myself to some diamonds.
Or stroll out of Dixons with a flat screen under my arm ? It's also Sons birthday at the weekend and he needs a new laptop.
Most of the staff in there are young men and they seem to be the ones the effect works on best. All I need do is hang around outside the shop and follow some younger females in and they won't be able to see me.
Yet another financial saving courtesy of the mentalpause.

And I have to say that based upon something that happened earlier I think I prefer being invisible. England has been very hot for a week now and I was wearing a summer dress, I really like it, it's kind of 1940s style, polka dot fabric, and as it is a bit low cut it shows off the jamoonas so I am a bit less invisible when I wear it. It's got elastic gathering just above my waist then the skirt is flared, so I think conceals all the gravity stricken bits below it.

I thought I looked a bit like this. . . 

When I got off the train this evening a (younger male) friend was also on the platform. He came up to me to say hello and as we walked over the bridge together chatting I was aware that his eyes seemed to not be meeting mine and aiming a bit lower.
I thought he was looking at my tits.
Then he said. . . .
"I didn't know you were having a baby. . . "

But apparently it was more like this.

Fuck. My. Life.

Of course he was put swiftly in his place, and he looked SO embarrassed when he realised he was wrong. Ever watched a six foot fella shrink to the size of a small child in front of you ?
I think at that point he wished he was invisible.

No chance mate.
I'm not sharing my Superpower with anyone.

I'm off.
There is a gym just up the road and I am going to lurk around the male changing room. It's not like they'll be able to see me.


  1. An invisible , fat cow?! .... Brilliant! They might hear your bell ring though :)

  2. That was hilarious. I have been on the other side of the "so when are you due" side, and it was so embarrassing, and that to a total stranger, I'm almost cringing at how embarrassed he must have been. Maybe the super powers is an evolving thing, maybe your next one will be the ability to shoot rays out your eyes. Lucky for you no one will see. BTW, in that last picture you look awesome!

  3. I notice a lot of women over forty. Does that make me some kind of menopausal kryptonite? But being invisible still has it's advantages. It's no Flame Alchemist Roy Mustang but it's still something. It's how Mother Nature pays you back after all the crap she throws your way. Let's not forget she's a woman too. She's got to be pretty old by now as well, imagine how long she's had those flashes. I'm surprised anyone who thought you were pregnant survived the experience.

  4. Oh my goodness. I felt so bad when I was out getting dinner with Favorite Young Man a couple of years ago and the server asked when my baby was due -- as if FYM were the father. I'm not pregnant. I'M JUST FATTER THAN A HOG! And night sweats are the worst.


  5. I'm sorry to hear that the effects of ageing are hitting you hard DCG, they don't sound fun at all. Not everyone old loses their memory too so don't give up hope forever.

  6. I managed to avoid spluttering the laptop screen with spittle at, "I didn't know you were having a baby. " But then I saw the picture of the cow and it was game over!

  7. Hey where did you go! Oh, there you are...damn that works good, even in print. BTW, that cow looks Photoshopped...never seen a cow like that in Texas!

  8. This post was spot on! I chuckled all the way through it! And then I forgot what I read!

  9. Is it possible he thought you were pregnant because your boobs look as if they're full of milk? That's what I would have said in his position, anyway. Sorry to hear about your crappy sex dreams - maybe you should try watching Michael Aspel on TV.

  10. Did the young fellow walk down off the bridge or was he launched off it?

    I sleep with a lady (that's no lady that's my wife boom boom tsh) who has the quilt ritual going on... I just try to smile and bear it

  11. Omg DirtyCowgirl, you hit the nail right on the head! And yep. Coffee out the nose this morn. Thanks for that! My "Rainman" was entertained. :)

  12. Lmao :D upside at least you still look young enough to have a baby!

  13. ROTFLMAO! That's a good one. I need to define what my super power would be as I get older and my nads start to shrink!

  14. I'm still in my 30's but I have noticed gravity taking effect on my body as well. I can't walk anywhere without tripping over my own ballsack! Soon, I will be needing to wear a bra.

    I understand that a man's body is different from a woman but I got the battle of the blankets going on too! If I keep this up, I'm going to start sounding like a woman!

  15. Being forty myself, I don't reach for the younger ones. I like women in their 40's.

  16. When I was 19, I could spend all day drinking coffee, all night drinking alcohol, and wake up the following morning looking, well, not beautiful(bad genes), but well-rested and fresh. Now, if I do that, I look like a goblin raped my face while I slept.

  17. Awesome post DCG!!

    BTW, mend experience many things too. At 46 my eyesight gets worse every day. I try to compensate for things I'm losing by growing my hair longer, working out at gym harder, etc. Although I have no proof yet, I think I have super powers too, so maybe your women only theory is not 100% correct. After a spicy meal, sometimes I swear I shoot flames out of my ass, but since I can't see back there, I've never seen one.


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