Saturday, 2 June 2012

birthday boy

I mentioned in the last post about my current lack of sleep, right about now I'd bite my arm off for one uninterrupted night of solid kip. Fat chance.

Between the mentalpause causing me to break out in a sweat at any given moment, noisy students who live in the house opposite, the cats - who are not helping at all, and Son coming in the worse for wear at 2am, I have bags under my eyes that could carry a weeks shopping.

As long as they're Gucci bags I'm not really that bothered.

Last night was a fine example of things conspiring against me.
I was so exhausted that I went to bed at 10 and fell asleep pretty much straight away. I know this because when the drunk wombfruit returned in the early hours and slammed the door it woke me up.
Great. Thanks.
Then he decided to have a bath, so was running up and down the stairs, never mind that my bedroom is next to the bathroom. And once I was awake I could hear the noisy cunts over the road, gonna be time to have a word with them soon I think. I shut my window, and once Son was out of the bath thought that was it and I could attempt to get back to dreaming about winning the lottery.
But no.
I woke up in a sweat before I'd even properly gotten to sleep. Not because of the mentalpause, oh no, I had a cat sleeping across the top of my head. And he had the cheek to miaow at me when I shoved him off, then, as he was getting tucked up against my legs decided to do that claw massage thing. Grrrr. But he settled down, and to be honest I quite like the way this one loves to snuggle up to me, so I let him stay and got myself comfortable.
I had just about nodded off again when I hear a scream from downstairs and then,
"MUM, MUM !!!" *thunders up the stairs*
"Mum !! You're not gonna like it but you have to come and deal with this. . ."

So obviously there's a spider.
I happen to think that I did a great job raising Son. And all my friends agree, one actually said to me that because of how he has turned out if she ever needed advice about raising her kids it would be my advice she would ask for. There's no better compliment then that really.

But there is one thing I got VERY wrong.
Kids learn by what they see, and what he saw, and therefore learnt, is that when confronted by a spider you are supposed to go "ARGGGGGGHHHH" and run away screaming.
If only I had thought about that a bit better, and not made him as afraid of them as I am I might now have a Son who could deal with them for me. (Or chased me with them. Every cloud ).
But I didn't.
In fact it's usually me (with the aid of my "bug catcher" - eBay it, it's saved my life more then once), who ends up disposing of them. I don't kill them but I'm not letting one stay in my house, it's not like they pay rent or help out with the bills. No, they have to go.

The Bug Catcher.
Best five quid I ever spent.

So I get my tired, exhausted self out of bed and go downstairs.
"Where is it. . . ?"
"Over there, under the lamp"

And this is what I found.

It seems one of the cats found a new playmate and decided to bring him home.
I left him there and went back to bed. Frogs don't scare me.
The cat that was on my bed is the one that brings things home so I knew he didn't want to kill it. He often brings in whatever he's been playing with outside - just that's usually a bit of a twig or a leaf. And the way the frog was laying under the lamp it was obviously enjoying the heat as it made no attempt to move when I went near it to take the picture.

And as tired as I am I still found it hilarious that a (almost) grown man got completely freaked out by one.

Tomorrow (well today now) is Sons birthday, if I'd known how he felt I would've got him a box of frogs. I wasn't sure what to get him this year anyway, moneys a bit tight at the moment and although I know there are some things he'd like I can't really afford to spend much. So I looked online to see if I could find a bargain and I think he's going to be pretty made up when he sees that I have managed to get him everything on his wish list.

A Lap Top. 

An Ipad. 

A New Mobile. 

A Flat Screen TV for his bedroom.

Some Weed.

I got lucky and found this in the garden, and as that didn't cost me anything with the 
money I saved I got him a car.

I think he's going to be very happy when he wakes up tomorrow and opens his presents.

But seriously I'm not that much of a skinflint. I did go to the shop and buy him a proper card, unfortunately it's not actually a birthday card.

Wanna see ?

That is the actual card. And inside I've wrote "Because I can dream . . . ps I was going to put some money in this card but I forgot to go the cashpoint so IOU £1.50".
It's ok - he will find it funny, and he loves kittens.
But just in case that doesn't put a birthday smile on his face then I have scanned some baby pictures ready to post where all his friends can see them. . .

Embarrassing Mum ? Who me ? Never.
And anyway his birthday is as much of a celebration for me as it is him. Although his being 26 is gonna make it even harder for me to convince younger men people that I'm 25.

Especially with the sacks under my eyes, never mind the Gucci bag I think I'll get some Gucci shades.

And just in case you're wondering the frog appeared again this evening and we returned him to the garden.


  1. As funny as this story is it must be pretty damn irksome for your son to wake you up like that haha, here's hoping these sleep issues subside soon.

  2. If Son is old enough to get drunk, then isn't Son old enough to get his own flat? The Hurricane is 25. She hasn't lived at home since she was 17. She visited, but she didn't live with us. Favorite Young Man left at 18. I toss my baby birds out of the nest with a vicious ferocity. Anyway, your post made me laugh -- as usual.


  3. Funny post! When my cat brings in critters from outside, they are usually disemboweled or missing a head... He's the Hannibal Lector of the cat world. :)

  4. I can understand him not wanting to pick up the frog, but he could have put a bowl over it without waking you up. I hope you're going to make him feel ashamed - he's got to learn how to deal with frogs better than that.

  5. Well congrats to your son and a happy birthday to him. I hope he gets the joke in the card, it could go either way really but I got a laugh out of it at least. Hopefully you can get some decent sleep soon. My cat was screeching last night but it was when I was up anyway. I hope they're alright really.

  6. Thanks for the laughs your blog always gives me a good giggle, hubby is giving me evils I'm supposed to be on line checking film times,he heard me laughing and shouted lets see that film if reading about it makes you laugh it should be hilarious to watch, what do you think Jane your life on film? best go and check out the film times then:)

  7. First, Happy Birthday to your spider/frog loving son! ;) Second, a frog?? In your house?? I freak out when a fly comes in!! :P Altho when I lived down south we did have snakes come into the house ALL THE TIME. Yeah.. Beyond freaking out. I hope you get some sleep soon. Lack of sleep can cause psychotic episodes and I'd hate to have to read a headline about a menopausal woman going ape shit on her noisy neighbors! ;) - Enjoy the birthday celebration!

  8. LOL! Bloody funny and great use of pics as always.

    Happy birthday to your big little man!

  9. Sorry about the fucked up sleep patterns, I know it is frustrating. My cat brought is a live rat once which ran up my leg when I tried to chase it out of the house. Freaked me out a bit.

  10. I don't have a cat, but my dog never makes much playfriends outside. She had a little kitty cat friend as a puppy. They would often meet at the gate and she would love to play with Mr. Kitty. Then she grew, and Mr. Kitty knew that my dog was getting too rough and never came back. A frog wouldn't last five minutes with her.

  11. Here I thought you were going to make him frog legs for his birthday dinner. Loved the flat screen TV.

  12. I hate frogs. They are the most repulsive things in the world. Every time I see one, I have nightmares for weeks.

    I had no idea your son was 25. Happy 26th birthday to him. I promise not to hit on him.

  13. I was reading this on my eye pad and had to scroll down to see the spider and I actually screeched and almost dropped my precious eye pad when I saw a fucking toad THANKS A LOT COWGIRL!!!!

    Happy birthday to you both! You look incredible for 25 :)

  14. omg the frog!!! maybe you need to adopt him. perhaps he's now your kitty's best friend. don't deny them their love!!!

    oh and happy birthday to the birthday boy!

  15. Those were some clever gift ideas! Although I don't think that weed looks very convincing!

    What kind of grown man is afraid of a frog? You better knock some sense into that boy! That or just break down and buy him that mobile! lol


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