Tuesday, 6 March 2012

plain speaking

There's a lot of things about getting older maturing that I don't really appreciate but I find I can live with.

Even the mentalpause has been bothering me less since I got back from India. Well either that or I just chilled out so much that my anger issues are being kept at bay.
In which case who knows what will happen when that particular bubble bursts.
But there are ways and means to avoid the other signs of my impending pensioner status. Grey hairs can be dyed ( or waxed - don't ask. You get them everywhere). Diet and exercise can keep aches and pains at bay (or so I'm told) and wrinkles can be filled with botox. Not that I have any. . . yet.
Wrinkles that is, not botox.

And I accept that there may be some things I will be stuck with.
But the one thing I fucking hate is the deterioration of my eyesight. I asked an optician (who was about 25, thin and beautiful - fucking bitch) about having laser treatment and was informed that there was no point since the problem is caused by age. If I had it done I would need glasses again in a couple of years as they will continue to get worse.

Just. Great. Make me feel good about myself why don't you.

I don't actually mind wearing glasses as such.
Men seem to find them sexy for some reason.
I've had sordid fuck fests romances with two men who liked me to keep them on ALL the time. One actually found them more of a turn on then any sleazy get up classy outfit I wore.
What really pisses me off about glasses is having to continually take them on and off. Since I am long sighted I only need them for reading and watching TV so when I'm out and about they are in my bag, and it's a fucking pain getting them out to get a bus ticket or look at prices in the shop, taking them off to walk to the till (if I don't everything looks wonky), then on again to use my card.
In a two hour shopping trip they are on and off more frequently then a strippers pants.

Sometimes I just can't be arsed to get them out of my bag.
Especially as my bag is more like a small suitcase that contains a black hole into which any item I want to retrieve from it will disappear.
Which is why yesterday after Son had text me saying we needed toilet roll I went to the shop and came home with these. . .

It's an easy mistake to make.
They do look similar, especially when you can't see properly.

And I am easily confused.
Sometimes I think the English language is very confusing, I've been helping my friends four year old with her reading and there are some things about it that you just can't explain. How do you make a child whose learning phonetically understand that 'the' is not pronounced te-he-eh ?
Especially when the child asks 'why' about everyfuckingthing.
And why does the announcement on the train as it approaches the stop always have to say "please mind the gap when ALIGHTING from the train".

What's wrong with saying leaving, getting off or even departing ?
I hear that announcement every day and I imagine this,

I'm worried that one day I will spontaneously combust when I step onto the platform.
I have enough trouble getting to work on time.

And here's another thing I don't really get, why do so many restaurants now advertise themselves as having a salad bar. What fucking twat thought up that expression.
There's two words that should not be said in the same sentence, ever. I hear the word bar and I expect to see alcohol not tomatoes, lettuce and cold pasta.

Unless of course they're serving cocktails with fruit in, then it makes sense.

A friend of mine, Tina, is always getting her words confused, but the things she says are hilarious. Her favourite film ever is Blade Runner and one day she was round mine and we saw an advertisment for the directors cut coming on the TV at the weekend. She was annoyed because she had to go out and was going to miss it as her recorder was broken, I told her to remind me and I would record it for her.
Saturday afternoon she rings me,
"please don't forget Road Runner is on tonight"
"meep meep"
"what ?"
"meep meep"

Ridley Scotts finest work.

Another time we were out in Tinas car and another friend of ours had moved house. This other friend now lived just up the road from the local police station and as we drove past it I pointed out her new house,
"I could never live there"
"Why not ? It's a gorgeous house"
"It's far too close to the playstation".

In Tina's case she's just funny, and she laughs at herself when you point out her mistakes.
Kids, on the other hand can be quite embarassing.

When Son was about ten I got myself a Slendertone.
One of those devices with pads that you put on your muscles, the idea being that you can tone yourself up without having to move off the sofa whilst eating chocolate and cake.
Or maybe that's just me. Either way it didn't work.

Son got it stuck in his head that it was called a vibrator. At ten I wasn't going to explain to him exactly why that mistake was funny, I think he had probably heard the word somewhere, and since the thing did sort of vibrate it made sense to him. He found it hilarious watching me twitch when I used it too.
And I probably didn't help, because even though I corrected him every time I was always laughing as I did so.
Fine, until you are on the bus and your child says,
"Are you going to use your vibrator when we get home".
Or you are talking to your older posher neighbour over the garden wall and he says,
"Have you used your vibrator today".
Or you hear him saying to his friend,
"You should see my Mum using her vibrator, she goes all twitchy".

Luckily I don't think that child ever went home and said anything to his parents. . .
"and he said I could watch his Mum use her vibrator too"
. . .  because I never got a visit from Child Services.


  1. Cowgirl! How did you get that picture of me in the pool?
    I am sad that you were that close to me and you did not say hi.
    I would even have flirted a little with you, which is like being winked at by a jelly donut with horse teeth, which is also like having a fat married guy flirt with you with all the finesse of a two year old, which is also like every girl's dream.

    1. Stealth.

      See I knew it was you, but I am far too shy and quiet and reserved to speak to men that resemble giant knobs.

  2. I remember my mom had one of those machines too. LOL, leave it to a kid. I had a jiggle writer my uncle bought when I was little, I'm sure to torture my mother. It was shaped, well, like a vibrator. And it vibrated. And it sounded like a vibrator. I loved the thing, and my mom would never let me take it anywhere.

  3. Sorry to hear your optician said that to you DCG, getting old sucks but I guess at the end of the day there's not very much you can do to halt it, it's going to happen eventually and that's it as hard as that as to take at times.

  4. That is funny. Kids have no idea what they are saying, but it makes our lives much more interesting.

  5. If I ever have kids I hope they're that...cool? I want kids like that at least. My dad's eyesight is going pretty bad but he wears contacts so he can see well enough to drive at least. He doesn't like having them in all the time though, and sometimes he'll pull out a magnifying glass. I'm not looking forward to my eyesight going at all really.

  6. I was so excited when I got my first pair of bifocals. They made everything look bigger.
    They practically had to tear me away from the urinal.

  7. I didn't think you could be even funnier than usual, but this post seems to me to be your most hilarious ever. My sight is terrible and has been since I was about seven years old. Without my glasses everything is a blur unless it's one inch away from my nose. The vibrator thing and Son is so funny. It's always something with kids.


  8. Good luck with the whole getting older thing. Kinda beats the alternative I guess.

  9. That dickhead picture had me spewing! Funny funny shit, Cowgirl. Glad you are still in your aura of India...it'll wear off soon enough.

  10. So your saying for all these year slendertoning I have been wasting my time then? Man that fucking sucks. I would try to get my money back but the company probably doesn't exist anymore.

  11. I have used glasses as long as I can remember, but I am not looking forward to getting older because I will probably go blind. Did that depress you?

  12. My hubby is always bringing home the wrong stuff 'cause he can't read the labels. Yeah, getting old sucks.

  13. Thanks for the laughs.

    Has anyone ever told you you should use it as a book? I mean your rants are perfect stand-up comedy scripts.

  14. "You should see my Mum using her vibrator, she goes all twitchy". That line made me spit out my coffee... :)

  15. I've just written my update which coincidentally also involves wearing glasses. And good point about the salad bar.

  16. DCG, The reason those people had the other "vibrator" pop into their head was obviously because of personal experience..... Also, if you want to read about feeling old, you need to read my "Older But Not Wiser" post....you won't feel so bad then.

  17. Haha funny stuff girlfriend! You should be a comedian on a Late Night Show!


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