Sunday, 25 March 2012

five minutes

There is a question that is asked so often by English people that it could almost be our National catchphrase.

I hear it on the bus, on the train, in the shops, just everywhere and anywhere and so often that unless it is being said directly to me I tend to not even notice anymore. And I am a bit of an eavesdropper, I love it when I do that thing where you hear a little snippet, or catch the end of a conversation and it just sounds totally bizarre or completely wrong.

". . . and so I said that's far too big to fit in there, it doesn't matter how hard you push it's not going to fit. . . "
Said by a fella as he and his mate passed by me on the street. I laughed. Out loud.

But anyway, back to that question. I might not notice when it's being said to other people, but when it's aimed at me I only wish I could ignore it, the question being,
"Did you see Eastenders last night ?"
Of course there are variations of it.
"Wasn't Eastenders good last night"
"What do you think is going to happen to *insert name of dead/sick/criminal/missing/drug addict/alcoholic soap star*.
"Who do you think is the father of *insert name of slutty soap stars* baby".

I only have one answer for all of the above and any other variation.
"I don't watch Eastenders. Or any soap for that matter".
There have been times when saying those words has been met with more shock and disbelief then if I was to tell people that I used to be a man or that I was a serial killer. I've been told that I don't know what I'm missing (I do, I used to watch it), or that I MUST (is it compulsory now?).
But the people that really piss me off are the ones who presume that even though I don't watch the fucking stupid programme I still want to have the conversation they were trying to start when they asked me the question.
Then decide that in order to facilitate it they have to first fill me in on the entire background plot and who is related to/having an affair with/trying to kill who.

If I was interested I'd watch the fucking show.
And I do tell them that, but it doesn't shut them up. It's like Eastenders is their religion and they are the Jehovah's Witnesses come to convert me.
Sometimes when people are talking about it around me I can't help but listen in and it's as if they genuinely think the people in it are REAL. I suppose if you watch something three (or is it on four times ?) nights a week and then the repeat on a Sunday you might actually be spending more time with them then you do your real friends.
And I'm strange because I don't watch it ?

And if it's not enough that the TV schedules are full of soaps and their repeats our magazines and newspapers are full of the real life dramas and scandals concerning the actors in them. Or what disastrous outfit they wore to the supermarket, who has a spot on their face, who dyed their hair and who managed to lose some weight.

Unless it's my turn to have the five minutes of fame we're all supposed to get I refuse to buy into the cult of celebrity.

Last night was the return to TV of Freak Show Britains Got Talent, yet another show in which Joe Public can try and grasp his five minutes. That show I do watch, some of it is car crash telly at it's finest - watching people who think they have some special skill but really don't get ripped apart by Simon Smug Cowell is always entertaining. But you can pretty much guarantee that by the end of the series the press will have dug up some scandal about a few of the unsuspecting idiots who appear on it, and they will get their five minutes but not for what they hoped. It'll more likely be because they have three kids by different partners or stole a bar of chocolate from the corner shop when they were ten.
All of which will get blown out of all proportion.
As much as we love our non-entities celebrities we seem to like it even more when they fuck up.

And nothing grabs the public's attention more then a sex scandal.

The latest person to fall foul to this is Tulisa. I don't suppose any of you across the pond - or indeed all the UK readers - may even know who she is. But I bet there's a few more know of her since her ex decided to post a video of her giving him a not very good blow job all over the Internet. She was part of a pretty rubbish group, but became even more well known as last year she was one of the judges on X Factor.
I don't suppose she'll be invited back this year.
Unless Simon Smug Cowell decides to make XXX Factor. Although judging by the performance in the video I doubt she'll get through the audition stage.

Silly girl.
I already wrote a POST ages ago about my thoughts concerning home made porn, so I'm not about to repeat myself, but really why would someone who was aiming for fame and life in the public eye not realise that letting someone film you is likely to come back and bite you later on ?
Apparently she is now suing him for a hundred grand. Yeah good luck - if he had any money he wouldn't of needed to post the video - because you can bet that was his motivation.

She's now made a video apologising to her fans. I bet she's got a few more now too.
But she begins it by saying, before she even gets into how upsetting it's all been for her, that when she has something to say she has never been one for keeping her mouth shut.

Or thinking about what you're actually saying before you speak.

I just hope that the latest round of BGT hopefuls don't have any juicy skeletons lurking in their cupboards. But I'd be willing to bet it's not something they have even considered when they decide to get on TV and showcase their outstanding ability to balance a poodle on their head.


  1. This is a tough one for me because I love Eastenders although I don't try to convert people to it but I hate Britain's Got Talent. You've made some great points though. This whole Tulisa thing irritates me as well, I'm kind of sick of hearing about it.

  2. What was wrong with the blow job? What could she have done better? I'm curious. I might learn something. I'm with you on the sex tape stuff. I was talking to a friend about female celebrities who are photographed getting out of a car with their legs apart and they're not wearing undies. After it's happened once, you know they're doing it on purpose. When I'm photographed without me knickers I wear a ski mask over my face.


    1. Janie you will learn nothing from watching that video.

      However my new hobby is scouring the internet for pictures of women flashing their vajayjays whilst wearing ski masks.

  3. I really thought "The Eastenders" was a soccer, err, football team. Silly me.
    We've got the same problem over here, too. For instance, take the "Jersey Shore" or "American Idol."
    Which used to be hosted by Simon Cowell, but isn't anymore.
    So, it's worse now.
    Yeah. Imagine that.

    1. Worse ? As if that's even possible.

  4. Soaps are popular in the states, but mostly for a demographic I really don't ever find myself around (middle aged house moms with nothing else to do while the kids are at school). They really don't have much main stream appeal. Honestly when I flip through channels I see more Mexican soaps than American ones. (And believe you me, Mexicans love their soaps.)

    As for *insert country here* idol and its clones, I wouldn't mind it if it weren't for the way that they are starting to replicate like a virus inside network television these days. Between American Idol, X Factor, The Voice, America's got Talent, and even the g-damn glee project there is always either singing competition or commercial for one on at all times.

    1. That's very true here as well, when there was just one or two it wasn't so bad but now there are just too many. And then there's all the "reality" progs with the has-been low grade celebrities trying to make a comeback.
      Luckily we don't get Mexican soaps here, although it's probably just a matter of time.

  5. Well Cool ....... What I particularly like about this post is I don't know who any of the people are, don't watch any of the shows and never have or will. Still as it happens none of them know who I am.. Liked the writing though so good work, amused me loads

  6. I can quite honestly say, that I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty blade than watch Eastenders, or listen to Tulisa...for whom incidently, the blow job vid and subsequent apology vid, all came out mere days before her new single...just saying...

    Oh and she has unfortunately, been signed up for the next X Factor.

  7. I don't watch soaps, "talent" shows, reality tv, or have any interest in so called celebrities and who they're fucking now. As you can imagine, I rarely have anything to talk about with the people I know.

  8. I stopped watching EastEnders when Dirty Den got bumped off...the first time...
    As for BGT I have to suffer through it as the wife is adicted.

  9. Why would anyone apologize for a blow job? It's a GREAT thing to give!!! This is sending the WRONG message! Apologize for punching someone in the face, NOT for a BJ!!

    1. You clearly haven't seen the video Rafa.

  10. I have stopped watching all the talent shows. They have grown out of control and quite frankly, I don't if you have talent or not anymore. I watched American Idol the first year and was glad Kelly Clarkson won and that was it for me.

  11. I don't have a clue who all those people you mentioned are...and I'm glad.

  12. Alright, I admit it, I watch America's Got Talent. Why? Because I love Sharon Osbourne and Howie Mandel....yep...I confessed

  13. The cult of personality is alive and well on this side of the pond as well. Lots of people famous for being famous... Nicely written!

  14. I try and fight the evil cult of personality by not watching reality TV... or soaps for that matter. I don't think that people who are famous are any better than the rest of us, or any worse either. Unless of course I get famous, then you should all give a crap what I think.

  15. I don't television, so people assume I watch a lot of movies. I don't. A friend asked me if I read/watched Twilight. When I told her I had not, she bored me describing the entire saga for two hours! Twat.

    1. That is exactly what I mean. I end up telling them why I don't watch it and insulting them in the process. Well if they won't shut up they ask for it.

  16. I don't watch TV much at all and because of that, I run into that same conversation you have with Eastenders. People actually seem offended I don't watch the most popular shows, as though my not giving one tiny rats ass is a personal insult to them.

  17. i have a poorly made home video of me having sex with my boyfriend - if i were to leak it, would i become a celebrity?

    1. I don't know Kage, but it's worth a try....

      I bet your fan club would watch it.


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