Sunday, 19 June 2011

beware of the dog

Sometimes odd things can trigger the most random thoughts popping into my head.
Usually I find them funny but they tend to get kind of stuck there. Right in the front of my brain and I can’t get rid of them, the way a song can get stuck in your head only not as annoying. As I say often they are amusing, well to me anyway. But then I’ll be laughing about it which is fine if I’m on my own but if I’m not, well it just makes me look crazy - suddenly laughing at nothing.
And if I try to explain what I’m laughing at then people just look at me like I really am mad.

For example, there is a house on my street that has this sign on the front door.

His names Killer.

Now I do know what a chocolate Labrador is, but every time I see that sign I imagine this :

Beware of the calories.

And then I laugh.
Every time.
I have to not look at the sign now because my brain goes;

Warning against what ?

Not letting that fucker sit too close to the fire.

Dope smokers . . . Might end up with a three legged dog of they get an attack of the munchies.

Easter . . . Do they dress it up as a chocolate bunny ?

Imagine if you were a burglar, could you get anything less scary then a chocolate dog.
Yeah lets break into that house, if the dog get a bit menacing just turn the heating on and if we get a bit peckish we can snack on it.

Terrifying isn't he. . . . and that's a real one.

Must be a right pain taking it to the park.
Most people just have to worry about other dogs humping or attacking their pooch. But that one - every other dog in the park’s just gonna want to eat it.

How does it wash itself ? I heard that chocolate was poisonous to dogs.

Be handy at Christmas though if it poops chocolate logs.

I swear if I was stand-up I could do an hours worth of gags just from that sign.
I’m dreading that one day I’m gonna be walking down the road as the owners are coming out of the house with the dog because I have a habit of saying out loud what I’m thinking if there’s someone to say it to, and I know I won’t be able to stop myself from telling them all this.
Then that’ll be another person on this street that lowers their eyes so I don’t talk to them anymore.

The other thing I keep seeing at the top of my road is a car that’s covered in grass.
First time I saw it I thought all the acid I took when I was younger was finally giving me the flash backs all those anti-drug campaigners assured me I was bound to have.
But no, as I suspected the bastards were lying and there is no such thing as a free trip, but there is indeed a car covered in grass that parks on my road.

It looks exactly like this.

Could they not afford a decent paint job ?

Do they have to water it ?

Did it crash into a lorry load of turf ?

Does it need strimming ?
(Yes, I do know it’s astro- turf, but this is the way my brain works).

Is it some sort of eco car, designed to blend in with the surroundings on country roads.

Are there teletubbies living in it ?

How and why did this happen. There is no promotional stuff on the car and I have had a fucking good look.
Any other time a person was looking around a car someone would think you were trying to steal it and come out. When you wish they would just so you could ask them what the fuck is the point of this no-one does.
Maybe they are hoping someone’s going to nick it. Interesting phone call to the police that’s gonna be . . .
“Can you describe the vehicle ? “
“Yes officer, it looks like a very small hill”
And how stupid would you have to be to nick it in the first place, your mates are bound to be impressed going for a joyride in that. And its hardly inconspicuous.

Has anyone got a small lawn mower ?
I stole borrowed the picture I used off the internet, although as I’m typing this it has occurred to me that I could just take my camera with me when I go up the shop and take a picture of the actual car.

However in searching for a picture to illustrate what it looks like I appear to have stumbled on a bit of a craze, there were quite a few snaps of grass covered cars.

And I found this, click the picture to see the article it came from, there are a few grass sculptures. Pretty clever, and if it wasn’t for the random thoughts I would never have needed to search for a grass car and found it.

How amazing are they ? Apparently the exhibition is in Cornwall.

And I thought all it was good for was sitting on or smoking.


  1. ok listen.

    now i have to go eat chocolate and then come back and read the rest of your blog.

    i hope you're proud of yourself.

  2. ok.

    so i ate my chocolate, then felt the need to smoke a joint.

    good think i'm still clean 'n sober


  3. I must admit I also got a chocolate craving...FOR BLOODY BREAKFAST!!!!!!

  4. I guess the owner wanted a cow magnet rather than a pussy magnet.

  5. Not in a sarcastic way. In a haha, I'm crazy just like that way.

  6. Damn! Subliminal at its best here!
    Chocolate and weeds .... and I fell hard!

  7. Oops - seems I gave you all a chocolate craving, next time I see that dog my belly might start rumbling.

    @GB - I see what you did there, very funny, if I ever do see the owner of the car you do realise I'm probably going to ask them.

  8. labs are almost the sweetest dogs ever. stupid owners of the cocoa pup.
    maybe you can stand there @ the "grass" car and water it until the owner comes out. or sprinkle it with wildflower seeds, and see what happens...
    now who is bogarting the j?

  9. @Violet - genius idea, I'm off to get a watering can tomorrow !

  10. Maybe the car has been parked for too long.

  11. Hello! My first visit, will visit you again. Seriously, I thoroughly enjoyed your posts. Congratulations for your work. If you wish to follow back that would be great I'm at
    Thanks for sharing!

  12. Gonna miss you
    They have deleted my Google account and all blogs


  13. @Acorn - tried to leave you a message on your website, but there is no 'contact us'....time to add one perhaps ?
    Can't believe they've done that, has to be some personal vendetta :(

  14. Right at the top of my home page there is a spinning email logo to click.
    Maybe I am too flash :0)

    Luv Acorn

  15. are you pms-ing?

    ;-) chocolate and grass... sounds like my kind of day.

    xo m

  16. THANK YOU for helping me find my next car!

    ...Now to order that fake poop that I think will look quite nice (and Klaaaaaasy) as a hood ornament. Outstanding!

    Love your musings DirtyCowGirl!


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