Friday, 21 January 2011

internet perspective

Apparently it's the modern way to meet people, everyone seems to know at least one 'happy couple' who met online, and there are so many dating sites now.
I can remember when belonging to one was almost a stigma - not something you'd tell people because the implication was that you must be a bit sad, lonely or desperate.

I've joined a few at various times over the last 5 years, I'll get to some of my experiences with them in a bit, but first I'm gonna share my opinions and the conclusions I came to.

One major drawback of this, as opposed to meeting someone in the pub/ shop/ work/ crackhouse/ police cell is that sods law says the person whose pic or profile really catches your eye will more then likely live at the other end of the country if not the other side of the planet, since not everyone uses the search criteria.

I really like the way the internet has made the world a smaller place - the fact that I can sit in my house and talk in real time with friends thousands of miles away does amaze me. Although I'm that old I grew up in a house where we only had a black & white tv, and got very excited when that blew up and dad announced we were going to get one that had BBC2, which turned out to be as dissapointing to an 8yr old me as the dates I'll get to in a bit were to the 40yr old me. But it does mean you can lose perspective on distance. . . .
"he's only half way up the country unlike the aussie I saw last week so let's chat. . . "

Great for making friends, and I have made some very good ones online, not so great if you're likely to want this to be someone you see on a regular basis.

The other big problem I found is that if you talk to anyone online for long enough you start to build a mental picture of them as a whole person. And it's then extra dissapointing if you meet and they are not what you imagined or expected them to be, more so then a traditional blind date because at least with those there's no preconception.

Never mind that most of us -  if you've ever used a dating site and you disagree you're a big fat liar - will select our best pictures, and some people blatantly cheat and use pics that are them but 15 years ago. I know, I've been for a beer with two fellas who did just that . . .
"oh was that a wig you were wearing in your picture . . . ?"

I've also found that whereas women (yeah me included) tend to lie about our age, the thing men seemed to lie about most was their height. But then people tend to guess my age as being 10 years younger then I am, nobody ever looked at me and said . .
"you're 5 foot 3 ? really ? wow, I thought you were at least 5 foot 10".

One guy I met had ticked the box that suggested he was about 6 foot, his pic made him look tall too (clever camera angle), so being a shortarse off I went in 5inch heels to meet him. There I am standing at the bus stop where we arranged to meet, opposite the bar we were going to but meant that,
a) I didn't look like a numpty if he stood me up and
b) if he looked like a numpty. . . "no mate, that's not my name I'm just waiting for a bus".
(clever eh?)
I saw this rather short fella coming up the road - didn't take any notice of him and it was only when I realised he was smiling at me did it register that he was the (5'6 at most) date.

Anyone can go online and set up a persona for themselves, the internet is full of fakes and scammers and worse , we all know that, but if you're ever planning to meet someone surely its best to be as real as you can beforehand? The sites themselves can be pretty much divided into three groups - 'adult' dating sites for people that really just want to get laid, 'dating' sites, for singles who don't want to be single, and 'social' sites, like facebook apps. Although every site seems to have people using it for every purpose and the 'serial shaggers' as I call them are everyfuckingwhere.

Once when bored I placed a ridiculously fake add on a site with no picture - my alter ego was a 7ft tall chinese jewish woman who clearly had mental health issues and even she was propositioned for no strings sex a few times. From time to time I check that site - there's usually a message or two, sometimes just saying how funny they think it is but more often then not someone wants her to "tell me more about you" or sends a 'wink'.

One date I went on was with a guy I met on 'dating direct', we had been chatting for a while - as I did with all the men I met, and I was actually quite hopeful about this one. We met in a bar (the same one I went to with shorty as it happens - its not far, but far enough, from my house) get a drink, chit chat for maybe 20 mins and then he leans over the table and says,
"so Cowgirl. . . do you take it up the arse?"
I left about 2 mins later, laughing all the way home.
He emailed me later and apologised for 'not being exactly honest' as he did actually have a girlfriend but they were looking for women to 'join' them, I replied that there were sites for just that and perhaps he should use them, the response was that they didn't want to do that because they wanted 'fresh meat'.
How lovely.

Suppose I should've felt complimented really, I'm a short slightly overweight 40 something - it's been a long time since I was fresh.

I used to think that facebook was a good way of checking someone out, sussing if they were genuine and seeing pics of the 'real' them - there's some properly horrendous pics on mine , but its all too easy to set up fake profiles there too. I've made the mistake of adding a person or two that I've gotten talking to on fb social apps only to have them write some pretty crude comments on pictures and try to add my female friends. Being as I have family, inlcuding my son on there, I'm not likely to make that error again, and there are an awful lot of attached people using those apps looking for some extramarital activity, there's always giveaways though - and I've gotten very good at spotting them and scammers.

One thing my experiences of the proper 'dating sites' did make me wonder about was all those success stories they claim of people who met their soulmate online. I think that most of those are people who are so determined to be with someone that they kind of settle for the 'best of the bunch'. I'm way to fussy to do that - but its not like I have a set list of what I want in a man. Some people have such a huge criteria I wonder they don't go around with a cardboard cut-out for potential partners to measure up to, like a ride at a theme park.
"If you're not this tall with this colour eyes fuck off ".
With me it's more I know what I don't like, but I met a few pretty desperate men.

I'd gone on a date with one fella and whilst out I'd spotted a girl with what looked like an interesting piece of ink on her arm. I wasn't wearing my glasses and must of been squinting trying to see it, but the fella thought I was pulling a face and said to me that he 'didn't like women with tattoos either' End of date, wouldn't have mattered how much I liked him because I'd never have gotten naked and I don't like shagging in the dark either.
After that I mentioned having tattoos in my profile, and it also had a rather cleverly hidden reference to my liking for recreational drugs.

So I'm in (the same) bar with yet another date, the bar staff in there must of thought I was a right tart. This guy was alright, although after 5 mins I knew there was no 'click'.
But he's pleasant enough so we're talking and he mentions tattoos - said he'd not got any, has never wanted one, doesn't really like them and apparently his were "on the inside" (wtf?) but he "doesn't mind if I have them".
(Did I ask for his permission.)
Later he mentions drugs so before I get into that conversation I ask if he ever does any. . .
"No, well a bit of pot once or twice in college but I don't really see the point and people who do them are asking for trouble, but I don't mind if you do".
(Again, do I need his permission ?)
Right ok so when I'm talking utter bollocks at 4am and drawing my next tattoo on myself with marker pens because you're fucking boring me you're gonna 'not mind' ? Well actually no, you're not, because I'm not likely to be with you when that happens. Anyway I stuck it out for a bit longer but I knew it was time to leave when he started telling me about his marriage break-up and not spending Christmas with his kids then started to cry.
I kid you not.

I think I'll leave this here just in case anyone about to embark on internet dating ever reads this, I really wouldn't want to put anyone off, just don't get your hopes up.
And I haven't even mentioned my (few, very few) experiences on an 'adult' site. Might do that another day.


  1. Hiya DCG,

    I'm 6'5, clean living... organic food... seeds, cabbage leaves, etc... 300 sit ups a day, I do press-ups as I'm waiting for the kettle to boil. I've five toes... on each foot, green eyes, and with my hat on a full head of hair. I'm a gentle, kind, loving man with a willy the size of an outturned belly button... oh, and I used to be 25.



  2. possibly.....but only if you can juggle whilst performing oral sex ???

  3. Oh I can... and I can even answer emails with my toes while I'm down there. I'm gifted like that. Ok, a make a few typo's, but wouldn't anybody? X

  4. I'll have to get divorced first (twice)... but I'm working on that. Not that laws have ever stopped me doing anything...


    ps: my last marriage lasted just two and a half days (really!) My wife spent the next six and a half years having psychotherapy.

  5. [chuckles] Enjoyed the read. Quite comical.

    I see you're a new blogger. Get your feet wet (you already have a good start) and think about this:

    Good luck. I'll be back to check up on you. :-)

  6. hilarious! but all it did was make me not want to date you :)

  7. i dont think i was the problem....


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