Thursday, 10 November 2011


I give in. Or give up.
The time has come.

Warning : 'Women's Problems' post coming up.

As much as I might want to carry on kidding myself that I'm still 28, my body is refusing to comply. It's getting harder to carry off anyway, I mean nobodies going to believe that I had Son when I was three are they ? Well not without a huge scandal and at the very least my name in the Guiness Book of Records.

Despite my reservations I am off to the doctors next week to get me some HRT.
Fuck the 'natural' herbal remedies, they aint touching the sides of it, what I need right now are some MASSIVE drugs.
Proper hardcore ones.

Gimme the good shit Doc.

Three times this week I have woke up in what felt like a pool of my own piss paddling pool, but was in fact fucking horrible sweat.
I don't remember the last time I had a decent nights sleep.
My skin itches like I'm coming off smack I've got chicken pox.
I'm having hot flashes in the most inopportune places, in the last two weeks these have included :

  • On the train.
  • In the queue in the bank.
  • Whist picking my friends kid up from school.
  • In a taxi

Off topic - got a cab this morning - I think I know the driver - he thinks he recognises me too but we can't figure out where from. Get to work - all day it bugs me - this afternoon I realise he's a guy I fucked a few times about 10 years ago - oops. 
Wonder if he's figured it out yet. . . .

Anyway, back to the big issue, more crucially I want to FUCKING KILL SOMEONE.
Nobody in particular (well there are a few likely candidates) but really anyone would do. If any of you know of anyone you'd like offed let's talk - there would be a large fee involved but I could probably use the hormonal imbalance as a defence and get off with a few years probation and some court ordered therapy.

Oh no your honour. . . that wasn't me, my knife is MUCH bigger.

I have always had a psychotic temper slightly short fuse, but it used to take something big to light that fuse. . .just when it did DUCK AND COVER.
For the last few weeks it feels like it's smouldering away all the time.
The dark thoughts are slowly taking over.
Had some woman in the seat in front of me on the train the other day talking on her phone with a really annoying whiny voice, instead of what I'd normally do. . .ie sit there and make up sarcastic comments about her in my head, I was fantasising about reaching round and shoving her phone down her throat.

I'm a bit worried about myself.
I know what I've been capable of in the past when angry.
Fuck knows what I'd do now if someone REALLY pisses me off.

And let me tell you EVERYONE is pissing me off.

So yeah, the doctors it is. Either that or the life of a secret Ninja assassin, and as I don't know any Kung Fu that's not looking very likely.

Would like to be this . . . 

I'm also a bit too fat to look good in a leather catsuit.
Which is what I imagine myself wearing if I went for that option.

But the reality would probably be more like this . . .

Or maybe I just need one of these . . . 

Okay okay I'll stop the whining now.
*thinks warm fluffy lovely thoughts*
Nah, didn't work. GIVE ME CHOCOLATE.
Here's a cat with a hat.

Awwww. . . .

Ps. Has anyone seen the plumber lately ?


  1. Women's problems are always an interesting read. Great post as always.

  2. How big a fee are we talking?? I know some assholes who need to be dealt with.

  3. wow! The off topic moment was pretty damn funny!

  4. I vaguely remember a menopausal woman saying that taking horse piss had made her feel as right as rain. Let's hope that medical science has moved on since then.

  5. I am glad you mentioned the plumber... where is he? Maybe the racoons have finally got him? I do hope he is ok.

    Although I am not at the same 'stage' as you, I do want to kill someone every month. Not good when you are faced with a bunch of idiot teenagers everyday.

    And I say take as many drugs as you possibly can. I would! In fact, I do. The more the better.

    PS... the taxi driver story is fucking brilliant!!

  6. @QB, you can HAVE my pain if you want ? Although I'm more concerned about the pain I might be about to inflict on someone else.
    @IWF, can you get me the name of the website she got it from please ?
    @Yeamie, I'm glad you think so, cos there's bound to be more.
    @Choleesa, We can do a deal involving Mexican food and tequila. . as long as it's the proper stuff with the worm.
    @Copyboy, I'm still chuckling about it now.
    @GB, You know I think I've seen that too. Funnily enough I spent the afternoon at my mates stables. Next time I'm there. . .

  7. DCG, I needed that laugh. ...I'm sorry it was at the expense of dry sheets and having to re-meet people you *know*. Also thank you for perparing me for my all too immediate future. This was a hilarious public service. Merci.

  8. I'm kinda afraid to comment for fear of pissing you off!

    I'm not a woman, nor do I experience hot flashes! But I have been experiencing some homicidal thoughts myself. I get annoyed too easily these days!

    Just today I was imagining myself throwing a wood pallet at some idiot at work.

    Haven't seen the plumber around for a while.

    I need some good drugs myself!

  9. @Miss T, I hope so too - mebe he has internet problems...he does sort of live in darkest peru after all. Trust me this is worse then PMT, and it's constant. Urghh. I'm very glad I no longer work with teens atm.
    ps I notice Barking, Essex on feedjit when you don't happen to know Underworld do you ? lol.
    @BBG, No worries - I'm always happy to help out a friend in need :)
    @dan, worry not, blog comments make me happy whoever leaves them, and there aint much doin that atm.
    Can you get any MDMA ? That'll do for starters.

  10. Need some good drugs too but that's got nothing to do with the menopause.

    Reading this, I've got to say that you're scaring the shit out of me because I'm sure I'm not that far off.

    Better prepare the Cyanide pills, I'm not going through that crap!

  11. I found that back in the day when I was going through it that giving up caffeine made a huge difference....don't know if it would work for you, but it sure did for me! Without the caffeine, I was able to skip HRT.

  12. What's the fee? I need some dirtycowgirl assistance. Let's get together. You be the young female ninja and I'll be Nanna ninja.


  13. I haven't seen the plumber in a while. I was going to ask myself. Let me know if you find anything out. I'm just glad that your son is old enough to know when he might piss you off. Also he can possibly outrun you, depends how far you can throw things. Hope the HRT goes well and you start sleeping better. That should help the moods.

  14. lmao dirty! i'm so glad you're talking about this ... it will be my next venture in life and i'm collecting data so that that when i do get there (too soon for me to want to think about it), i'll have information so that i don't feel like i'm the only one ...

  15. I'm sorry you are having to go through that. If it makes you feel any better, I had a tummy ache the other day. It went away though.
    I feel pretty good today.
    Also I have you guest post written down, I just have to drawr it.
    I no forget.
    In fact I had the basic idea done about an hour after you initially emailed me.
    I'll send it to you soon!

  16. I had night sweats once, then she left. :(

  17. I read a poem thats last line was:

    I sheathed my knife, and condemed her to life.

    So to me the best punishment for someone is to have to live in this world!

    Nanny Ninja looks cool! I'd hang out with that lady!

    Why the ops with the fucking of a taxi driver? They're people too!

    I'm gonna show that dildo picture to my mom!

  18. honestly that dildo looks more like a saggy boob.

  19. Thanks for the fair warning DCG. I hope its not too late for me to gender-flex. Could be a lame solution but is there a way around this?

    On another thought, fancy that. Chance meeting a totally random dude, cabbie, who was part of your life history. Hmmmm, quite cool really.

  20. I'm...I'm kinda scared to post.
    * it safe yet?

  21. @Lily, let me know if you get some - we can share.
    @Eva, you mentioned that a while ago and I have been trying to cut down on the coffee, but I'm also cutting back on the cigs - both are my addictions. Atm I'm just not having any in the evenings, really because of the sleep probs, I cope better with anything if I sleep well, but we'll see how it goes.
    @Lola, we can do a deal, I like the sound of that !
    @Mark, it's a bit worrying isn't it ? Hopefully he's ok and will be back soon. And you would think right ? But no, he keeps getting right in the firing line. Good to see you back too btw.
    @Andrea, knowing how your life goes I really think there may well be a lot more big adventures before you get here lol.
    @Gweenbrick, No it doesn't ! Grrrrr. . . I can't wait to see it :)
    @nix, Hahahahaha
    @Bersecules,It was an oops because I didn't recognise someone with whom I had spent a few sweaty naked nights. Maybe he should drive his cab in the nude then next time I would.
    I hope she likes it !
    @Mr S, You think ? You must've seem some odd shaped women.
    @PB, You might just have the answer. . but I would want to change back when it's all over.
    @Allen. Yup. . .as long as you behave.

  22. "Pool of my own piss." Too funny!
    I think Mrs. Penwasser may be on the cusp of "mentalpause" herself. The kids and I are watching her like a volcano. Plus, we've hidden all the knives.
    As far as your "off topic" topic: Was it in the back of the cab? And was his meter running?

  23. Oh dcg, I hope you're doing okay. lmfao at taxi driver part!! Even when you're telling us how agro you're feeling, you're still bloody hilarious!

  24. Well, I mean most penises don't have a nipple-like protrustion coming out the tip like that.

    Or is that just mine?

  25. @Al..The Mentalpause - that's what I am going to call it from now on. Very apt. And no it wasn't.
    @Vee, I'm good, glad to have this outlet. At least other people can laugh at my ageing dilemma.

  26. @dirtycowgirl yeah my mom thought the picture was great and had a good laugh about it!

  27. Gosh, hope it fucks off soon! :(


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