Saturday, 12 November 2011

i wish i hadn't heard that

RIP Joe.

A man and a legend.

I do like boxing, it's the only sport I really watch, although I think it's been a long time since the sport had a true champion like it did in the days of Frazier, Ali, Foreman and their like.
And Sugar Ray was CUTE.
Maybe Tyson could've been, but he let himself down outside the ring. Rapists have no place in public adoration.
We've had a few half decent UK fighters - but none that come close to the greats.

I got my love of the sport from watching those guys with my Dad.

My blogger pal Al, over at Penwasser Place wrote a post about his time in the US Navy and Veterans day. My Dad was in the Royal Navy in his younger years and the comment I left there made me think of a couple of funny things.

My parents split when I was 14. This was not at all a traumatic thing for me, in fact it was a bit of a relief. All I remember them ever doing was arguing so it was no shock - sometimes I think I maybe saw it coming before they did.
I was a Daddys girl - still am really - but as I hit full on puberty and rebellion and began the five year war with my Mum, so Dad became my ally (he no longer needed to back Mum up to keep the peace) and his flat was my refuge when I wanted to escape. Mostly I think he respected, especially by the time I was about 16 or 17, that I was growing up and let me make my own huge mistakes decisions and then bailed me out talked it through with me.
As a result of that we can talk about things that maybe some Dads and daughters can't.

This is not always a good thing.

He's in his eighties now and not in the best of health although still very independent, but I like to hear from him every day. We do this via the daily filthy text joke.
I frequently have a conversation where I will read one to a friend. . .
"Who sent you that?"
"My Dad"
"Your DAD sent you THAT ???"

He once told me the story of how he ended up getting circumcised by a Navy surgeon, apparently Dad was not lacking in size and the doctor ("He was fucking faggot too..") asked him to drop his trousers then lifted the offending appendage up with a pencil and made a complimentary remark.
At which point Dad replaced his clothing and told him he "best get someone else to do the op because I'm worried what you might do to it when I'm out cold . . ."
He had shared this because I thought Son might've had a problem and I'd asked his advice.

Not the first time he put a picture in my head that I really didn't want to see.

One night he had gone out and met a rather nice young lady who had agreed to go home with him. He said he knew she was a fair bit younger then him but although he was in his early fifties at this point, Dad has always looked a lot younger then his years. (I love him for passing those genes to me). So he gets back to his flat and the female spots the picture of me and my sister when we were teenagers on his wall.
She points at me and says
"That's ..............isn't it ?"
Dad asked her how she knew me.
"Well I don't really know her, but I remember her because she was well known in the year above me at school".
Dad called her a cab.

The saying is that sailors have a girl in every port and I once asked my Dad if he did.
"No, but I once caught a nasty dose of the clap from a prostitute in Korea that I had to get rid of before I got back home to your Mother".

When Son was first at College he had kept mentioning a girls name, and one day when he was kind of distracted I said it sounded like he had a girlfriend. . .
"Nooo, she just comes round and gives me a blow job when you're at work"

So now my Son was also putting pictures in my head.
There are some things a Mother just doesn't need to know.
Or a daughter.

Because when I relayed this story to Dad. . . .
"Lucky bleeder, when I was his age if I wanted one of them I had to pay for it".

You think ?

My favourite of all his stories though is not at all rude, but from when he was a boy growing up in a city that was getting bombed by the Germans.

Dad, as usual, had left for school in the morning but also, as usual, had not actually gone to school and was instead playing by the locks. In those days where there is now a train line there was a canal.
During the morning, the Luftwaffe had decided to drop a bomb on Dads school.
Luckily there were no casualties and all the children were accounted for. . . .apart from Dad.

When it was the right time Dad had made his way home.

Meanwhile a policeman had been despatched to the house to give his Mother the bad news.

He said as he walked in the front door my Gran screamed, lunged at him, hugged him then hit him and continued to switch between the two for quite a while.

Dad has told me that he is writing all his memories down.
I have suggested to him that he should get a computer to do it, but he says he likes writing by hand. In a way that's a bit of a shame because I'm sure it would make for a great blog.

Either way I can't wait to read them.
Even if some of them are bound to give me nightmares.

He's a bit of a legend himself.

And just to prove my point, here's a selection of this weeks jokes from Dad.

Today my mate was doing a crossword and asked me if I knew the medical term for a swollen vagina.
He's a thick cunt.

I was down the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to get my finger in.
Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint.

My dysexic friend told me he was going to be covering his penis in black shoe polish last week-end.
I said to him "you idiot you're supposed to be turning the clock back".

A priest booked into a hotel and told the receptionist he hoped the porn channel was disabled.
She said "no you sick bastard it's ordinary porn".

A man was in court charged with murdering his pretty young wife. The judge asked him what he had to say in his defence.
"Well your honour I came home and found the dirty slut in bed fucking my best friend so I shot her"
The judge said he thought that was fair enough and asked the man what happened to his best friend.
"I wagged my finger at him and told him he was a bad dog".

Went to bed with two Thai girls last night. It was like winning the lottery, we had six matching balls.


  1. Ha! No guessing who you got your sense of humour from! Your father sounds hilarious!

    Oh, love your new background, btw. :)

  2. Have you left Facebook? I still want to stay in touch with you DCG. Sniff...

  3. Your dad knows about ladyboys? I'm shocked! Do you remember Joe Bugner?

  4. Your dad is an absolute legend. I would love to hear his stories too lol. My dad was a devout Christian so I didn't get too many stories about his sexual exploits, he also still denies taking drugs in college and uni despite being a huge Beatles fan, and being in college during the 60's, when everybody was on drugs. He's still a legend to me though, and I wouldn't mind growing up to be just like him.

  5. You're definitely right here about Joe, he was a boxing legend and a gentleman too and it's such a shame to see him go. Great post as always.

  6. When you commented on my blog, I thought I'd like your dad. After reading this, I KNOW I'd like your dad. Tell him "cheers" from a perfectly imperfect stranger. We'd have quite a laugh over a pint (or two...or three...anyway, every Brit I've ever known could drink my ass under the table). Tell him I wouldn't touch his wedding tackle, either.
    He really should use a computer to write this stuff down.

  7. Oh, speaking of Joe Frazier.....pretty sad. He was a Philly boy, so you can imagine what it's like here. His funeral is Monday. One of the folks attending will be Ali (who I saw when he visited our ship in the United Arab Emirates. That was 13 years ago and he looked shaky THEN. That'll be a sad day when he passes, too).

  8. Your Dad is a hoot! what fun! I think my favorite was the one about turning the clock back!

  9. I loved the one about the trainer. It's great that you have such a good relationship with your dad. Sounds like you take a lot after him.

  10. Joe Frazier, a legend of my childhood. RIP.

    As to your dad, it's easy to see who you take after. He sounds like the sort of company I like to keep.

  11. @Vee, thanks - I liked the other one but it was a bit busy and distracting.
    @Anon, yeah but only temporarily. If you click the links on the right they will take you to my Twitter and G+ pages, you can find me there, or email me via my profile here.
    @GB, Yeah I do - he was a slugger. As for Dad, he probably does but I'm not gonna ask in case he tells me.
    @Mark, He probably doesn't want to admit it, or maybe he was THAT smashed he really doesn't remember.
    @Yeamie, Yeah he was - I watched a TV prog last night about him and Ali. Found myself on the edge of the sofa saying "hit him!", never mind it was all those years ago. Still great to watch.
    @Al, I will do that. And yeah, I don't know about nowadays but he used to be able to drink quite a lot so probably lol. Are you going to watch the procession - I'm guessing there will be one.
    @Eva, I think I might make it a regular feature - the best of the worst jokes from Dad each week.
    @Jamie, I do, far more then my Mum that's for sure.
    @Lily, Yeah, especially with the love of filthy jokes.

  12. omg dad sounds hilarious. my g'pa was a joker as well, but i always took it personally when it was joking about me. sounds like you gained confidence from him lol!

  13. Your dad is hilarious. My dad was very funny, but not in the same way. He never would have told a dirty joke to his little girl.


  14. I love how much you adore your dad. He sounds like an absolute legend. Lots of people don't realise how lucky they are to still have their parents in their life. I don't have either and haven't for a long long time, so when I get to read stuff like this, it makes me smile! I wanna meet your dad!!

  15. It'll sure be on the TV. So, I will give it a look. So sad....

  16. This is so unfair. My dad isn't funny at all. His 'funniest' joke is what did one snowman say to the other?

    If I have to hear that one more time lol. So annoying :P


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