typical

I went on a date last night.
You can probably figure out that it didn't go well because I am writing about it here, and because I was home early enough to spend some time fiddling about with my gadgets.
(No, that is not a euphemism).
Before I get to what happened last night I have a website to share. When I added the last Twitter and Email buttons I had already made the little pics of Doris (yes, my avatar horse has a name, so what) that you can see now, but I didn't use them because they looked rubbish in a black square and you can't make the backgrounds transparent using paint. I decided to have a trawl around and see what I could find.
I got lucky, I found http://www.lunapic.com/editor/. If you like drawing have a look, it's like an improved version of paint with a mini version of photoshop and it's very easy to use.
I've not really played around with it much yet, I just did what I wanted to my gadgets, but from what I can see so far it's pretty damn cool. It even makes animations.

So..um..last night.
Met the guy on a dating site. I've not been spending much time on them, not like I used to, I just reactivated my profiles then forgot about them really. But I checked one a few weeks ago and this fella had left a message saying he liked mine (fuck knows why, it doesn't say much) and asked a couple of questions. Where did I live, what do I do in my spare time (I lied - I blog, eat chocolate and watch porn might've given the wrong impression), have I got any kids etc, usual stuff.
For the last couple of weeks every time I checked (which wasn't that often) he'd left another reply, but the last one said that he could see I wasn't ever really on the site when he was to have a "proper chat" so how about we meet for a drink.

Well ok. His profile said he had been single for a while and although happy that way was hoping to meet someone who might change his mind. He looked alright, I'm not attracted to men that are good looking anyway, what I look for is a "spark". And the-worst-mistake-I-ever-made (one day I will tell that story) was very much "my type", a bit short, stocky, younger then me, liked to party, but ever since him any fella that even remotely looks like him instantly puts me off. This is a problem. "My type" now is definitely not my "type, so I no longer have a "type".
(How many times can a person say the word "type" in one sentence).
So when it comes to who I might fancy I guess you could say I'm trying to think outside the box.

Haven't I kissed enough frogs. Where's my fucking prince.

Which is why I agreed to go for a drink with a man who was tall, a couple of years older then me, and from his profile sounded very straight. Not straight as in not gay, straight as in boring normal.
I actually think that my heart really is no longer into it when it comes to the opposite sex. I blame the mentalpause and crazy hormones, but not so long ago if I had a date I would be very excited because I might get some sex about the possibilities - even though I was always disappointed at the end. I really had to talk myself into going last night, but I gave the guy my number (it's ok, in a week my contract is up and I already have a new phone and number) so I figured I couldn't let him down.

I made no effort with myself. No make-up, hair in a pony tail, combat trousers, vest top, Uggs. And I had big knickers on. That's when you KNOW that you're really not that interested. That even if it goes really well and he's really nice NOTHING is happening, because I never saw the point in wasting time if I was attracted to someone. My hair is the giveaway, I have thick hair that's down to my waist and I know that a lot of men like that, when that's tied up out of the way before I even get there, as opposed to tied up later because it's getting in the way then I know I'm not that bothered.
But I get there, in my casual can't-be-fucking-arsed look and he is wearing a suit.
A fucking suit ! For a drink in a pub. And it was grey, and I'm no expert but I don't think it was an Armani. More like Primark.
So there I am feeling like I'm in the pub with my bank manager.

We get a drink, well I got two. A shot of Tequila and a JD and coke. He had a glass of wine.
And I swear he raised his eyebrows when he asked me what I wanted. Yup, within five minutes of getting there I knew I was going to leave as soon as I could, so NOT my kind of person, but we went and sat down.
"So tell me about you then Cowgirl. . . "
In other words he's got nothing interesting to say so he wants me to do all the talking. Not normally a problem, but we're supposed to be on a date and my non stop chatter has caused issues on dates before.
But anyway.
"What do you want to know?"
"Well what are you looking for?"
Right, I get you now. I KNOW that when men ask this question of women on dating sites it usually means they are looking to get laid, because otherwise you wouldn't ask you would just get to know each other and see what happens. Ok if I liked a person I may well fuck on the first date, and I have tried "adult dating", but this loser made out he was looking for a potential girlfriend and I can't stand dishonesty. Two can play at that game. 
I think I'll stick around a while and have me some entertainment at your expense.

"What am I looking for ? At the moment I'm trying to find some curtains to match my newly wallpapered dining room".
"Hahaha, you're very funny but that's not what I meant".
"No, well I don't really know what you meant by that question. I mean we're all looking for something aren't we ? Life is supposed to be an endless quest isn't it, I guess like most people I'm looking for the path to enlightenment and salvation. . . .
I then rambled on for a good twenty minutes about hippy stuff and buddhist theories, him nodding his head like he knew what I was on about. I don't know how - I was talking utter bollocks, but all the while he kept staring down my top.
. . . so yeah, I guess that just about sums it up, that's what I'm looking for. But that's enough about me how about you ? What are you looking for ?"
"Well, nothing as complicated (LOL!) as that I was just hoping to meet someone and have some fun".
Fun being the dating site code word for no strings sex. And what really pisses me off about guys like that is they are really not concerned with whether they fancy you. As long as you're not too fat and have tits and a vagina you'll do.
"Great, me too. I love doing fun things, what do you want to do, the funfairs probably still open. What's the time ? I could probably get some drugs and we could go clubbing after".
I only wish I had taken my camera and gotten a picture of his face when I said that.

I think Jack might just be the only man for me. I know he's my type.

I went to the toilet, when I came back he still looked confused.
Then I just said "well it's been nice meeting you but I have to go now, if I'm not home soon my tag will go off and I don't want to go back to prison".
And left.




So much for outside the box.
Back to blogging, chocolate and porn then.






PS. How cool are my new gadgets ? And I would just like to draw your attention to the "ask me anything" page. . .  go on. Somebody ? Anyone ?

blind date

Last night was the first episode of what is probably going to be my new favourite TV programme.
It is called "The Undateables" and follows people with disabilities who are using a dating agency to look for love.
Very entertaining, and also quite thought provoking.
I was a bit uncomfortable with the title of the show, by itself it does rather suggest that if you have some kind of impairment then nobody will want to date you, but that much redeems itself as the opening credits show a sign with the word undateable but the "un" falls off.

So I'm prepared to overlook that.

Of course viewers will tune in for the same reasons they watch anything about those with physical imperfections, and those are not always good.
Voyeurism, amusement, mocking the subjects. . .
But at the same time if it raises any kind of awareness that makes people realise that having something different about you does not mean you don't want or deserve the same things as the rest of us, then that can only be a good thing.
In last nights show there were three adults featured, a young woman who had a genetic condition that causes brittle bones, uses a wheelchair to get about and is only 3 feet tall, and two men, one of whom has Aspergers and the other has Tourettes.
I don't really think the dating agency did well with the first two, because both were paired up with people who were also disabled. The girl was sent on a date with a man who also used a wheelchair, although we saw his pictures on the agency, none showed him in the chair. The man with Aspergers was sent on two dates, the first with a woman who also had learning difficulties and the second with a French woman whose accent was so thick that when he asked her what her hobby was and she said rowing it sounded like hoeing. Ooops.
Why assume that a person with a disability wants to date another ?
I find that slightly patronising.

(If you want to see the programme you can watch it on Channel4 OD)

I suppose there are a lot of people who would not even bother to look at a persons profile if there was something physically wrong with them, and that's the bit that really got me thinking.
Would I date someone in a wheelchair ?
Or deaf ?
Or an amputee ?
Would you ? I'm not talking about a situation where perhaps someone you are already involved with becomes disabled, or even where you get to know a person before dating enters the picture. But how would you react if you were maybe out in the pub with some friends and a person in a wheelchair approaches you and starts to chat ?
How about a dating site, would you even bother to read about the person if the picture showed them in a wheelchair ?

I have to be honest and say that I don't think I would.
I could justify that, I can say that there are things that I want to be able to do with a potential partner that a person who couldn't walk would not be able to do.
But really that's just an excuse, and one that I know might not even be true. I have a friend who uses a wheelchair and she has a far more active busy life then I do, the woman is amazing and she has never let her disability stop her from doing anything - other then walk.
But that also got me wondering if the same applies to disabled people ? Would they do the same, the girl in the show said that she found tall men attractive and it would be nice to date someone who wasn't also impaired. There are many more things you can have in common with someone then getting around on wheels, and if you both had mobility issues you might well find things more problematic then if it's just one of you.

I have nothing but admiration for the people in that programme, dating is enough of a minefield for those of us who have nothing more to worry about then our height, weight or age, and some of us might just maybe tell a little white lie about that.
I suppose if you have an obvious problem it will at least weed out the potential dates who are instantly turned off by it straight away. Maybe in that regard those people actually have an advantage over the rest of us because only those genuinely interested in getting to know them will apply. But if that was me I would not want to be dating only other disabled people. I'd be worried that they were just dating me as they thought we had to settle for each other, and I'd also want to make it very clear that I was looking for a lover not a carer because that might well be what some able bodied people would think.

Just because you're impaired in one way doesn't make you exempt from the laws of attraction, just like everyone else you need to fancy the person you're dating.

And if your problem is related to your thinking, as it is with Aspergers, then good luck trying to understand the opposite sex.
It's hard enough for the rest of us.

But while I can totally understand how difficult it is for disabled people to get out and meet potential partners in the world at large, I don't necessarily think they are going to fare any better using dating sites.
Based upon my experience of them I always wondered about all their claims of high success rates. Whether some of the people who use them have actually reached a point in life where they are willing to make a lot of compromises about who they choose as a partner, or maybe I'm just way to fussy.

Are there actually a lot of far more desperate people out there then anyone realises ?
I'd like to find someone, but I'm not holding my breath and I'm not desperate. Yet. Maybe it's about how happy you are in life in general, and how much of that happiness depends on having a partner, and I think that's a very individual thing. But I guess if you want it that much then you might just be prepared to settle for Mr or Mrs Almost Right.
I'm still holding out for Mr Perfect.

And if you want to see proof of how desperate some people can get. . .
Ages ago, one night when bored, I made a ridiculous fake profile on a dating site. It gave you the option of completing an "interview" rather then writing the entire thing so that's what I did.
This a copy/paste of it . . .


Introduction
I think my profile and interview just about says it all really, honestly can't understand why I'm still single - beats me. And how am I supposed to know what I'm looking for ? Half the time I don't remember who I am, never mind whatever it is I'm supposed to have lost ?? I'm getting confused now so I'll just answer the questions.
Interview
What do you like most about where you currently live?
There aren't any bars on the windows.
What do you enjoy most about your current job?
What job ? I'm quite happy on the social and the odd five finger discount when times are hard, ain't got a problem if you have one tho...(as long as you're not a policeman a store detective or a social worker).
What are your favourite leisure activities?
Digging huge holes in my garden so the neighbours can complain. Crack - don't mind the odd bit of brown either.
Where in the world are your favourite places?
Bed, pub, Holloway prison wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
Where in the world would you love to visit?
Iraq, I hear its very hot and I can't wait to go topless sunbathing now I've had the implants. I'm hoping to get up to Broadmoor too, as I haven't seen my dad for years, hopefully he'll be allowed visitors soon.
What would you do on an ideal date?
f**k
But only if I'm having a very bad day, it helps with the anger issues.
What are you looking for in a partner?
Money & girth, ideally also a fireman under 25, but would settle for 26/27.
What makes a good relationship?
A quiet, horny, rich, hunky, obedient man.
What makes you laugh?
Me, mostly and when people win a penny on deal or no deal - highlight of my week.
What music do you like?
Trash metal, happy hardcore & Doris Day.
What has been the highlight of your life so far?
Getting out of prison after so long.
What are you looking forward to in the future?
Getting my boiler fixed, I haven't showered for two weeks. Are there any single plumbers on here ?
Personal Details
I am looking for friendship.
My eye colour wasn't listed as an option.
My hair wasn't listed as an option.
My body type wasn't listed as an option.
My height is greater than 7' 00" / 213cm.
My ethnic origin is Chinese.
My particular politics were not listed as an option.
My current employment situation wasn't listed as an option.
My income is confidential.
I'm a heavy drinker.
I'm a heavy smoker..
I follow a special diet which wasn't listed as an option.
I am disabled
I am Jewish.
I sometimes practise my religion.
I have children (living at home).
I don't want to have more children.
I neither own nor rent my home.
I live with parents.

I forgot about it for ages, but then a month or so later I remembered and went to check.
I'd received 62 responses.
A few were laughing, but most wanted to know more about me.
One guy had sent a message asking if I needed a plumber as he lived nearby.
And another had said,
"Well I think I've finally found someone as crazy and unhinged as myself. Isn't it great being different".
I replied,
"What are you saying ? I'm not crazy, I have copies of assessments to prove that. I don't want to be seen as different anymore, I've lived my whole life with people pointing the finger, now I just want to blend in and be seen as normal, that's one of the reasons why I'd like to find a boyfriend".
He never did get back to me.

Every once in a while I go back and check and there is always a message or a "wink" waiting.

So yeah, I wish those people luck. I think they're going to need it, and not because of their problems.
And I can't wait for next weeks episode.

And to any of my real life friends who read this, if you see me hanging about outside a synagogue wearing 8inch heels, dark glasses and carrying a rolled up newspaper just walk on by and pretend you don't know me.

intimacy

The very lovely Janie Junebug is running a weekly series of guest posts on her blog on the subject of intimacy. She wants to know what that means to different people, and the posts so far have all been very interesting and diverse.

And now thanks to me the tone has been lowered to gutter level.

Unfortunately due to the nefarious Dr X and his concubines reading her blog she was forced to make it private a while ago, so as some of you will be unable to read it I am posting it here today as well. If you want to know more about Dr X, contribute to the series, or just read Janie - and this lady can write, then go to her profile and send her an email.
Everyone is welcome. . . . apart from he who shall not be named !

Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssss

When Janie first asked me if I wanted to write a contribution to this topic it left me rather stumped.

Because she said it should be "a post about intimacy, not sex, real intimacy", and in my world you can't have one without the other.
The way my emotions are wired sex, love and intimacy are all sides of the same coin.

Well that's not entirely correct.
I can have sex without intimacy, have done, more times then I care to remember a few times.
But just not the other way round.

The saying goes the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, it's the same for me, except you need to reach my stomach via a different route.
I've had some great sex with men I wasn't in love with, but I've never fallen in love with anyone who wasn't giving me mind blowing, swinging from the chandeliers, how the fuck do I manage to get my legs in that position sex.

Don't misunderstand me, I know that when you find intimacy it becomes about more then sex. But I just can't get there without it, and I have experienced that feeling of being so in tune with someone that it's almost like you can read each others minds.
But for it to last that needs to translate itself to a man who can read my mind so I don't have to tell him when to speed it up or slow it down or flip me over.
That's how I REALLY know that somebody gets me.

Sometimes I wonder if I was really ever love, because as soon as the sex diminished I went off the man pretty damn quick.

The way it works for me is I like someone, so the sex gets a bit better, so I like them more, the more I like them the more I want sex, the more sex we have the better it gets, until it gets to the point where I think I love them (and the very best sex is always with someone you love - for me THAT'S where the intimacy comes into it). And then I want it ALL the time.
Morning.
When you get in from work.
At night.
If you have an extra half hour for lunch.
And don't be making plans that involve getting dressed at the week-end. Although I have a selection of outfits that might fit the occasion.

It's also at this point that I like to get a bit kinky.

And it's at this point that pretty much every man I ever got involved with started saying things like, and I quote. . .
"I can't do that with you, I love you and I respect you too much" (No, I'm not telling you what 'that' was, but he was on the way out the minute those words were out of his mouth).
"You just want me for sex" (Well no, but without it you're not getting anything else).
"If I had an accident and my cock got cut off you'd dump me" (Honestly ? Yeah, he was probably right).
"I'm not a human vibrator" (Clearly he wasn't, once his battery died there was no replacing it).
"All we ever do is fuck, can't we just cuddle" (FYI in my world cuddling is foreplay).
"Do NOT be waking me up with a blow job tonight, I need to sleep" ( I decided this one was gay).
"Why do you have to act like a slut all the time" (Because he told me he liked women who dress up, so I used to turn up at his house wearing. . . )
"Why can't you let me make the first move instead of jumping on me as soon as I get here" ( This one wanted me to make him dinner while he moaned about work...nah, help me work up an appetite first and then I'll let you order a pizza. His job was digging holes in the road. REALLY wanted to talk about that. Not.)
And once I heard those statements I knew the end was nigh.
Boring.

Seriously, I thought men wanted a woman who is always up for it. And when I'm really into someone I am, truth is I think they found my libido intimidating.
But as soon as I start to feel anything approaching frustration any emotions I feel seem to die off.

Maybe that's why I'm single.
Some of the relationships I've had have left me rather cynical, but at the same time I think that I just haven't met anyone truly compatable, or maybe never found true love, and I'd like to think I can put a YET on the end of that.
My last boyfriend fucked with my head in ways that have nothing to do with this post, and I am only just now beginning to think that it might be time to put the hunting gear on again.

Because there are really only two things I miss about being with someone.
The first one, obviously, is sex.
I'm spending a fucking fortune on batteries.
But the other thing is intimacy, and by that I mean the closeness I only seem to be able to feel when I am physically close to someone.
Which means I'll be expecting a lot of sex.

And having just read this back I realise that while Janie wanted a post about intimacy I have in fact just written a post about sex.

I think that proves my point.



Here's the link for Janies profile. Or as I moderate my comments leave me your email (it won't be published) and I will pass on to her.
I love her - and you will too !

problem child

There was a woman with her son on my train home from work tonight and the kid was acting up.
Not much really, he kept standing on his seat, she kept telling him to sit back down and he was being a bit loud and cheeky.
The train was pretty full but nobody seemed bothered by him, if anything he was entertaining. Every time he stood up he was chatting to the man in the seat behind him, who didn't seem to mind, but the mother apologised saying the boy had ADHD.

I don't think he did.
He was clearly excited to be on the train and judging by the amount of luggage they had they were either on their way back from or going on holiday.
What was evident was that the mother had no idea of how to manage her son, he was about 5 or 6 and yet there were no comics or toys on their table. He was not listening to her, but she had nothing to offer him as a distraction. I don't know how long they had been on the train but common sense should tell you that the average 6 year old is not going to sit still for too long unless he has something to occupy his mind.

What is wrong with this picture.

I have worked with children who really do have ADHD, and even with medication they are hard to control. Actually I'll rephrase that, since with them it's more that they have a hard time controlling themselves. I have seen kids work themselves into a frenzy, unable to stop whatever it is they are doing even though later they will tell you that they didn't want to - they cannot stop.
I have even known young people ask that staff restrain them when they get that way because they want someone else to take control for them.

Nowadays it seems to me that it's all too easy to label a child as being or having a problem when the real problem lies with the lack of parenting skills.
Doing so can have adverse effects on the child in several ways.
There is stigma attached to any negative label that can stay with you into adulthood, and telling a child it has ADHD can sometimes give it what it takes as an excuse to behave badly, or might mean that adults do not challenge the behaviour because they think it's to be expected.
I've heard parents say that their GP made the diagnosis, I can't speak for other countries but in the UK only a child mental health practitioner is qualified to make that decision or prescribe the drugs used to control it.
All a GP should be doing, if they think there is a problem, is referring a patient to one.
And even they can get it wrong, mild autistic disorders such as Aspergers can often produce similar symptoms.

The drugs that are used to treat the condition can have horrible side effects.
Stunted growth, delay of puberty, excess hairiness and even tourettes - which will appear as tics. I've worked with kids who exhibited all of these, in their cases all were on quite a high dose and a couple were also on anti-psychotics, a combination that is not unusual for extreme ADHD.

When you've seen kids like those you know that a bored six year old having trouble staying in his seat and wanting some attention has only really got one problem.
A parent who has no clue.

I was quite tempted to ask her how she knew her son had ADHD, and was it really a case of she couldn't control him.
But stupid people don't listen anyway, and I'm feeling very tired today so she had a lucky escape.

And whilst I'm talking about lucky escapes meet the latest hunk to message me on a dating site.
I really don't know why I'm bothering.
Blog fodder I guess.

Oh joy, someone who has nipples that are pointing further south then mine.
Ok, I know I am probably what some people might call a lady of a certain age but I still want to actually fancy someone. And anyway I knocked ten years off am vague about my age on my profile.
This is what he has to say about himself,

I am me ?
That's a shame because if you were someone else I might be interested.
Some body ?
Is he into necrophilia ? Sounds like he's not too fussed either way.
This is why you should REALLY be extra careful about grammar when composing profiles, and I can't help thinking about dog treats when I read the last sentence.

I also decided to take a look at the competition . . . .

Ladies - you know how much we hate it when we go out and someone else is wearing the same frock ?

Not only is this the most unflattering article I have ever seen, but there are two of them wearing it.


Yeah, I REALLY don't know why I'm bothering.
Unless I want to buy an overpriced ghastly creation that makes me look like one of those pictures you stare at when you're tripping to make your eyes go wonky.

Thanks to everyone who voted in the poll.
The winning result was that yes I should run for prime minister, but I have to pay you to vote for me.
Just as I thought. . . you lot are as corrupt as me.

♥♥♥ be my valentine ♥♥♥

I'm reposting this for a few reasons.
a) It's relevance to this time of year means that it's currently getting a lot of hits.
b) LAWAFM was a month old when I wrote it, so a lot of current readers won't of seen it anyway.
c) My opinion of the subject matter hasn't changed.
d) I'm too fucking lazy to write a new Valentine post.


Yes folks once again it’s nearly Valentines day, that special day when you and your loved one can give each other gifts and cards as a token of your affection for each other.

Or feel suicidal and socially inept because you’re single.
Well having seen some of the recent facebook status updates from single people I get the impression that’s what’s happening with them. And the coupled up ones seem to be dropping large hints.
Actually I thought that the purpose of a valentine card was to send it anonymously to someone you secretly admire ? 
Which presumably should mean that if you’re single and not entirely happy about that then you would look forward to the day when you wake up to 628 cards from would-be lovers ? For fuck sake at least postpone the hairdryer in the bath until after the postman’s been.

I still remember the first time I was given a valentine card - from a boy in school when I was about 13 - this card was HUGE and presented to me in front of all my friends. 
The people who feel suicidal because they have no-one to send them a card should try feeling how I felt when that happened, embarrassed just doesn’t even come close. 
Shamed perhaps. 
And that was nothing to how the boy that gave it to me must of felt at my initially horrified reaction, which then turned to laughter as a means of saving myself from the endless piss taking that would’ve followed from my friends if I’d even appeared to like it - I didn’t anyway. I sorta feel a bit bad about that now, I mean HOW much courage did that take ? Now I’m wondering if he ever gave anyone another card - who knows maybe he was so traumatised by the taunting that followed that he gave up on love and joined a monastery.
Kids can be vile and we were.

However as an adult I don’t subscribe to the whole valentines debacle, even when I’ve had a partner.
I think it’s just another commercial exercise for card companies and the like to make money, much the same as mothers day and fathers day really.
Except that as mothers day approaches you don’t suddenly see people writing “oh my gosh I must have a baby otherwise all my friends will be getting cards and I’m just going to be sat at home alone with nobody to breast feed and a stretch mark free body”. And if anyone did they’d be told they were fucking sad and stupid, but valentines ? Seems you can feel as sorry for yourself as you like and all your friends will commiserate.
Wankers.

I’d like to think if someone loved me they didn’t need to have a date in the calendar as a reason to show me that they did. You can bring me chocolates and gifts anytime you like, and it’s much more likely to be appreciated if it’s done just because someone saw something and thought I’d like it, then because they felt like they have to as it’s the 14th feb and the fucking great huge display in the shop reminded them.

Truth is I don’t think I have a romantic bone in my body, and all that forced lovey doveyness just makes me want to puke.

Feel free to print this off and give to your loved ones.

(Great idea Jamie)

I don’t really like cut flowers either - essentially if you give someone flowers you’re giving them something that’s dying a slow death, so anyone who dares to bring me flowers is getting treated a bit scornfully. 

I’d once had this massive argument with a boyfriend two days before valentines - not that I was even aware of the date, like I say it’s never bothered me and it never will - its all the facebook comments that prompted me to write this. 

But, we’d had this row that I started because really I wanted to finish with him, but the fucker had walked out in the middle of it and not been seen since. Presumably thinking I’d forget about it (no fucking chance, I’m like an elephant, and that is not a reference to my huge arse). So anyway there’s a knock on my door and there he is - holding this large bunch of flowers.

Four things there I got an issue with :

1. Him.
2. The CUT flowers.
3. The that fact he walked out on the row.
4. I think he got the flowers as he thinks they’re gonna make me forget about issues 1-3.

Lets just say he moved off my doorstep pretty quick….swiftly followed by the flowers. My friend (his housemate) rang me a while after telling me what a bitch I was because he got them for valentines and not to make up for the row.
Silly cunt shoulda got me chocolates…at least I might’ve been nice to him while I ate them.

And there’s another pressure there really - if you are part of a couple on valentines day what exactly should you get for a present ?
I’ve noticed a few people who seem to be having problems with this. How much of a gesture is too much, or not enough ? Given that if you do it’s supposed to be an expression of love what if your relationship is still quite new and the L word hasn’t even entered into it yet ?
I knew someone whose boyfriend had said he was getting her something very special and the silly mare got herself all excited and was convinced that he was going to propose. So much so that before the big day had even arrived she was talking bridesmaids and bought one of those wedding magazines….turned out the present was a collectors item teddy bear.
For ages afterwards if I saw her I always said the same thing “lets see your ring then Julie…oh no, sorry, I meant your teddy “.

I think I’m better off remaining cynical about the whole thing
Even if being single means I have no choice.

Anyways I’ve rambled on enough about this, plus I have to go and sweep the path ready for the postman - you never know..........

Update : after posting this a friend made a valuable suggestion regarding the issue of what to buy a loved one for valentines day, "you can never go wrong with lube. It's never out of fashion and comes in a variety of colours and flavors. Lube, the gift that shows you care". 

Thanks Jamie.



found it

Ever get the feeling you are being watched ?

As I'm sure I've said before, although I kind of have what some people might regard as spiritual beliefs I have never believed in God. The idea of some white haired kindly old fella sat on a cloud watching over us is just the stuff of fairy tales and myth to me. And if there was some all knowing omnipresence directing us from on high then considering the fucked up shit that happens in this world he (or she for that matter) can hardly be what you'd call benevolent.

But I have just looked at my feedjit and seen this :

Fucking hell. Someone from 'God' has looked at this blog.
I checked the stats and they came here direct too, no typing of "man fucks steak", "I need kinky sex in Goa" or "anal gadget" brought them here.
And yes, those are actual keywords from the last week.
Is there a name for people who have sex with food ? I don't want to know.
Maybe 'God' was checking up on the perverts of the world and figured LAWAFM was a good place to start. And if he or she looked at the search keywords I can understand why that mistake was made, but I am a little bit worried in case I am now going to hell.

Yeah, as if I wasn't headed there long before I even had the internet never mind a blog.
Ah well, in for a penny in for a pound. One of the things I brought back from India was some Viagra to sell, you can buy it for next to nothing over there but the tablets go for a fiver each in the UK. I'm not one to pass up the chance to make some easy money, and it's not actually illegal unlike the bag of weed I brought back from Jamaica so why the hell not.

A couple of years ago I belonged to an 'adult' dating site. That is, a dating site where people are actually upfront that they just want a shag, as opposed to 'proper' dating sites where they pretend they are single/fifteen years younger/looking for a long term relationship.
(One day I will write about the disasters experiences I had there).
There are a couple of guys I met there who I knew would buy some Viagra. I rejoined the site, found their profiles and left a message. You can't leave an email or phone number - the site filters them out, so I've been checking back every couple of days for their reply.
One of the guys got back to me in the week and said he would be online Friday night, in the 'live' chat you can give an email if you're creative..."sexy and. Horny. (all one word) Find me at the live one in UK"... so I log in to talk to him.
Which means I'm showing as online for ages, so I keep getting other fellas trying to chat.

Of course I'm gonna take a look at their profiles aren't I ?

And then I got a 'wink' from this. . . .

warning : do not scroll down if you are eating or of a weak disposition




*big enough gap to read the disclaimer before you see it*




ready ??

YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT ?
Bear in mind this is essentially a "find a fuck buddy" site, you would think a person would want to show themselves in the best physical way possible.
Maybe he thinks as we both obviously consider our tits to be our best feature we'll have something in common ? Nice tan you got around the neck there mate too, and no you aint gonna see mine.

Apparently his wife knows he's on the site as her "illness" means they can no longer have sex. More like she's sick of him trying to climb on top of her and his waistline is the real reason. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that it was her idea he join the fucking thing in the first place.
There was a message attached to the 'wink' that asked if I fancied a chat, I ignored it but then he messaged me again saying "I take it you don't want to chat".
Red.Rag.Bull.
"No, sorry, but I have a rule. Never talk to men with tits bigger then mine."

I might start visiting that site more often. I have a feeling there will be some glorious blog posts from it.

Or I could arrange to meet people and take one of these along with me on the dates.

That, my friends, is an ANTI-RAPE CONDOM.
I kid you not.
It is 'worn' in a vagina, and once penetrated can only be surgically removed, otherwise the spines inside it will rip the outside of your penis to shreds.
Someone sent me this picture, and I have to say it's quite possibly one of the most thought provoking things I've seen in a long time.
For a start, can you imagine living somewhere where the chances of getting raped are so high that you even need to consider wearing one ? Just doesn't bear thinking about does it. Such places do exist of course (it's things like this that only confirm my ideas about god) and apparently it was developed for use in Africa. I watched a documentary a while ago about Rwanda and what happened out there, but I'm sure in other parts of the world those things occur too.

But of course then my brain went off on it's own warped little tangent.
Going out ?
Keys. Check.
Purse. Check.
Mobile. Check.
Anti-rape condom. Check.

I know what I was like when I first got my can of Mace - (It's illegal in the UK, get caught with it and you will be charged with carrying an offensive weapon, so a mate brought it back from France) - I was walking down the road at night positively HOPING that someone would try and start trouble with me 'cos I was just dying to spray some fucker with it.
Keys. Check.
Anti-rape condom.Check.
VERY Short skirt. Check.
High heels. Check.
Slutty make-up.Check.
Enough vodka to make me look like an easy target. Check.
Yeah come on ! Rape me and see what you get you motherfucker !

And then there's that whole thing about a woman scorned. . . .
Found out your fellas been cheating ? Here's a way to make damn sure he never does it again. I know a thing or two about revenge and the lengths some women will go to. We've all got a bit of an inner psycho floating around inside us somewhere, now you can fully express that by letting it loose (no pun intended) in your vagina.

As my best mate is very fond of saying NEVER underestimate the power of the pussy.

And talking of animals I went to the shop with my friends six year old son yesterday ( I have been helping her sort out her house, as they are going away for a six month break to visit family abroad ) and there was a very friendly large dog tied up outside. He stopped to pet the dog for a bit.
So we are in the long slow moving queue in the shop and he says.
"I like that dog Cowgirl, I'd like to take it home with me"
"Well you can't, it belongs to someone, and anyway you're going away for a long time"
"I'll take it with me"
"How are you going to do that"
"I can pack it in my case"
"But it will bark"
"I'll do something to it to make it keep quiet...."
"But it will still wriggle"
"Then I'll tie it up so it can't move"
"Ok, so you're going to tie it up and gag it, stuff it in a suitcase and smuggle it. I think you will get caught and be in a lot of trouble with the police and the RSPCA".
He then got distracted by a display of chocolate for a bit, and was chatting to another little lad in the queue, which was still moving very slowly. Why do shops only have one cashier at the busiest times ? After a while he says,
"When we leave I'm gonna see that dog again and take it."
"I doubt it will still be there, we've been in here a very long time"
"I bet it is, in fact (he nods towards the man behind us in the queue) I bet it's that man's dog"
"Ask him"
"Excuse me, is that big black and white dog outside yours"
"Yeah (laughing) as a matter of fact it is"
At this he turns to me with a very self satisfied look that says I was right and you were wrong. But I had the last laugh because I explained to him that as the dog did indeed belong to the man behind us, that meant that he had heard all about the plan to steal his dog and stuff it in a suitcase.
Luckily the fella thought this was as hilarious as I did.

I think I might be back.

There were other reasons apart from the post holiday chill that occupied my thoughts.
Last Saturday we lost one of our much loved cats, and this week I have been composing possibly the most difficult post I have ever had to write.
It wasn't for this blog, but I think that I needed to get that done before I could return to normal service over here. You might remember the post I wrote ages ago about a blogger friend who was having a tough time, what I didn't say in that post was that she had a brain tumour.
I returned from India to the news that she had died, and the post I have been working on is the final one for her blog, as her sister very kindly asked me to write it, it's done now and I am very happy with the way it's turned out.
I feel like I needed to do that for her.
This blogging world we inhabit is like a separate little universe (although apparently 'god' still watches it), we form our own little communities around groups of blogs and forums, and one of mine was in mourning and tasked me with laying a blog to rest.
And as with those we lose in real life I guess you can't begin to move on until you've done that.

But yeah. . . .bring it on !!!

And now I have about a thousand blogs posts to catch up on reading.

social disasters

If I was a writer I think right about now I'd be worried that I was suffering from writers block.

When I get an idea for one of my 'opinion' posts . . . the ones where I force my opinions down your throats share my opinions with you, I usually start a draft about it, make a few notes, steal find some relevant pictures and then finish it once I've checked a few facts out on Wiki (I like to at least sound like I know what I'm talking about).

I currently have six of these posts sat in the folder, but I keep looking at them and my mind is just blank.
I hope I haven't lost my ranting mojo.

That's not really likely, I have been feeling rather aggressive the last few days for some bizarre reason. I seem to be in a permanent bad mood. Yesterday morning I swore at a group of students on the way to the train station, they were stood at a bus stop but taking up the whole pavement. . . "Get the fuck out of my way". . . as I barged through them with my elbows.
Perhaps I need to go out, get drunk and start a fight, then I can write blog posts about my life as a criminal.
Maybe not, I don't think you're allowed a laptop in prison and I would be lost without mine.
If you could have a PC in the nick then all those online meet-your-perfect-match places would be full of convicts, and people would be 'liking' HMP Wormwood Scrubs on facebook.
I think I need to find a boyfriend get laid.

It was with that thought in mind that last night I decided to visit a facebook app for 'meeting people'. You might be familiar with it - you 'tag' people according to what you think of their picture. Of course I don't really like to play fair, there was a time I used this app a lot, mostly to abuse people if I'm honest - in the days before I discovered blogging it amused me. But I did meet a few horny men interesting people on there, and I really can't be arsed to tart myself up and meet someone in the real world.
So I logged in . . .  and twenty minutes later I logged out.
Why ?
This is the pick of the bunch.

'David' can go bum himself. Seriously think he needs to review his chat-up lines.

And the blacked out face ? That's to spare you, not him. I suppose it's a point in his favour that were he to be 'bumming' anyone they wouldn't need to be looking at his face.

WHAT ??? Oh please. . . hold me back. Why would you ?  And on a facebook application for fuck sake, anyone can see this. And he wants me to add him on msn, not fucking likely. It'll start with pleasant chit chat and end up with me coming home from work to find you in my knickers. . . and not in the way I'd like.

And I've got bigger tits then him, bound to cause jealous rows.

There's a few things wrong with this. One - is he actually saying that he thinks I'm a male escort ? 'Cos that's how it reads to me. Two - his assumption that I am a 40plus lady (Way to win a girl over, fucking cheeky cunt). Three - his assumption that he's worth paying for (he's no stud muffin is he ?) Four - his assumption that I'm that desperate. I'm not. I'm just bored and exploring options.

He's not one of them.

It seems the app has gotten worse since I last used it, all the genuine people who weren't just looking for a shag - the ones that wanted friends, general chat and maybe the possibility of finding someone for a date - have left. As happens on so many 'dating' sites nowadays the serial shaggers have taken over. They were always there, but they were in the minority.

I've written before about my experiences on dating sites, I don't think I want to go there again.

Guess if I really want to meet someone I need to polish my high heels, shave my legs (anyone got a strimmer I can borrow ?) and get out in the real world.

I actually think that this may be the only really genuine response I got.

I've arranged a date for next Saturday. We're going to the park.

One thing I am quite sure of is that if you want to use the Internet to meet genuine people, just for the pleasure of making international friends with no hidden agenda, then blogging is definitely one of the better ways to go about it.

But if any of you are single, rich, hung walk on two legs I'm available.

Just in case, here's the picture I used on the facebook site. . . .

No wonder I got such a great response.

arranged marriage

Last week a friend informed me that I am to be married off.

I should explain.
This friend, myself and a few others are going to India for a month in December. Christmas and New Year in the sun - bring it on. I have never been before, although India has always been on my to-do list, but my friend has been several times.
Her ultimate goal is to buy a house and live out there, but in order to be able to do this she needs to be married to an Indian.
However her husband might have something to say about that.
I, on the other hand, have no husband. So she has decided that the best way round her dilemma is to marry me off to an Indian man so that I can buy the house instead.

In theory I’m not exactly opposed to the idea - I get to live in the house in the sun too, but I’m not sure what my dowry would be. Maybe my Indian readers could research the going rate for a loud sarcastic English bird who lets be honest, is a bit past her sell by date.

I joke - but it's a serious issue. Click pic for more info.

I guess in a culture where arranged marriages are common she might not find it too difficult to set this up, however it’s my understanding that usually when they are between couples where one lives in India that person tends to be the one who wants to move. I had a friend from Pakistan who told me that when she and her UK resident husband got married he was quite prepared to live there but she did not want to stay, and she knew a few people who had made the same choice.

Apparently Indians don’t like India very much.
Perhaps the potential husband and I can swap locations, he can come and live in my house. If I emigrate someone will need to feed the cats.
I can’t take them with me they might get curried.

I've made a note of the number.

As for said husband, I’ve made my list of requirements.
Good looking. Shouldn’t be a problem, I’ve seen some very handsome Indian men.
Not skinny. I like a fella to be a bit chunky, but NOT fat.
Younger then me. But not too young, I’m a wannabe cougar not a child molester.
He needs to be able to cook and clean. I’ll be far too busy laying on the beach and shopping in the markets.
There is another requirement, but I’ve said I’ll check that particular statistic out for myself.

However, there are a few potential problems with this plan.
I am too old for have no intention of having any more babies, but I get the impression Indians like big families although the husband will inherit a grown up step son. That'll have to do.
I’m a devout atheist with no intention of converting although I don’t mind wearing a sari, all those layers of floaty fabrics will hide the lumps and bumps accentuate my curves.
And I’m not exactly a virgin either.
Which I believe is a bit of a requirement for Asian brides.
Verging on the ridiculous maybe.

And then there is my long standing aversion to marriage to overcome. During my adult life three men have asked me to marry them and I turned them all down, for various reasons. The thought of having the same sex for the rest of my life wasn’t exactly appealing either.
Although right now any sex would be an improvement.
Maybe I can marry for lust.

Apparently my friend already has someone in mind, and informs me this person is a ‘man who can’, well what I was told was that he can get anything - as in if you want Viagra he knows where to get it.
That’s good - he may well be needing some of that.
It’s been a while.

I think her best bet is to wait until we’ve been there a while, I tan up quite dark and I have long very dark hair, she might just be able to pass me off as a native.
Well until I open my mouth anyway.
The only Indian words I know are Korma, Dhansak and Tikka Massala.

Actually lately I’ve been considering my current single status having read a few blogs written about peoples experiences with dating sites, and it has got me thinking that I might just give them another go myself. My previous attempts did not go well - I wrote about it ages ago ( if you want to see), but that was just after I got rid of the Worst Mistake I Ever Made so I wasn’t exactly in the best frame of mind at the time.

I actually like being single independent, one of the things I struggle with in relationships is the fact that you’re kind of supposed to consider another person whenever you want to make plans. I don’t really do much anymore, I like my free time to be just that. Free. But if I decide to go on holiday, have a girls night out or want to watch a sick film I don’t want to have to think about whether another person would like that too.
And then there’s all the other things having a boyfriend means you’re supposed to do.

No not that, I can never get enough quite like that, in fact that’s the only thing that makes me wish I wasn’t single.
I’m talking about the small print stuff . . . . shave your legs (and other things), change your sheets more then once a fortnight, don’t let your cats sleep on your bed, ignore the snoring, allow football on your TV. I could go on but I might think myself out of the idea.

No, these are not my legs.
My feet are much smaller.

Yeah, for independent read selfish. And hairy.

But anyway I might just redo my profile on a couple of the more respectable sites and see what happens.
If nothing else it might make for some interesting posts, and who knows some unlucky nice man out there might just want to take me on a date.
I could do with some cock male company.


One last fling before I marry my Indian betrothed can’t hurt can it.

a dish best served cold

A couple of comments on my last post got me thinking about revenge.

You know, a woman scorned and all that.
If someone cheats on you would you stay just so you could make them suffer, or is it suffering enough to leave and make them live in purgatory without you.
I suppose it depends on the size of your evil mean streak.


Brilliant !

There are plenty of revenge websites now, mostly guys posting pictures the cheating ex allowed them to take, well you let someone do that you need to be prepared for the possible consequences, (I already wrote a post about that) but really there’s no imagination or brains in that type of retaliation.

I think us women are far more devious then that.

My favourite story of revenge is not mine.
But the sheer brilliance and cold calculation of this is just genius really. Evil genius.

If you’re a bit squeamish then you should probably skip the next paragraph.
  

This friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, was living with a fella and found out that he was seeing someone else behind her back. The boyfriend suffered from haemorrhoids, so badly that when he was having an attack he needed to use internal cream. We all knew about this because it was kind of funny, and also because she used to moan about the fact that it affected their sex life. However it was when he suddenly began to ‘have more attacks’ and therefore wanted less sex, that she had become suspicious of him as she noticed that when this happened sometimes he wasn’t actually using the cream.  

 

I don’t remember exactly how she found out the truth but she even knew the other girls name so her suspicions were confirmed.



"For external use only"

She bought some muscle rub cream ( the kind that gets hot once put on your skin) and managed to empty the tube of haemorrhoid cream and replace it with the muscle cream. She then stayed with him for another two weeks, acting like nothing was wrong, waiting for him to have an attack. Then came the night he did and was, so she said, already in pain so went to use his cream. She then told him - as he was apparently writhing on the bathroom floor in absolute agony - that she was leaving him and why.

We always thought she was a bit mental. After that we knew.

But fair play all the same.

I know another woman who found out her husband was cheating with a work colleague. He had a lot of expensive suits - she took all the trousers to a tailors and had the legs of every pair taken up by two inches.

Very clever.

And me ? I’ve had my moments of inspiration too.

The first time I ever lived with a guy, which if I’m honest wasn’t because I loved him - more he had his own flat and I needed somewhere to live, was when I was about 19. We both worked full time, although I got home an hour before him. At first I was cooking every day when I got in, the kitchen in the shared house I was in before was always a mess so I enjoyed having a clean and tidy place to cook in.
But after a couple of weeks the novelty wore off.

mmmmm . . . .meaty chunks



So on probably the third day of coming home to no food the soon-to-be-ex decided to pick a fight, based upon his idea that a man should come home to find dinner waiting for him. The next day I took the day off work and moved my stuff round to a friends then went back to the flat and made him pie, I even made the pastry from scratch.

And the filling ? Dog food.

He gets in “something smells nice" . . . . it did. I put it on a plate for him and once he was sat down and I knew he was going to tuck in said I had to pop out and left.

Never to return.



I’ve also tipped someone’s very expensive aftershave down the sink and replaced it with my own piss.

That was a good one.

Another ex once tried to tell me that I couldn’t go on a night out because he had nothing to do, so I pretended not to mind and then said if I had to stay in I wanted to get kinky.

He agreed.

So I tied him to the bed then went out anyway. Although I made it up to him when I got in. . . . a lot later.

Some people just ask for it.

There was this guy about a year ago, I got chatting to him on a dating site. We were talking to each other for a couple of months, he didn’t strike me as being ‘my type’ so whilst I was happy to chat online I wasn’t really expecting anything to come of it. He also lived a couple of hours drive from me. But anyway this particular day we were chatting and I mentioned that my plans for the coming week end had been cancelled, he suggested coming down and taking me out instead. After a bit of discussion I agreed, bearing in mind that he would need to stay over if we had a drink, on the understanding that he will be sleeping on the sofa.

Unless I decide otherwise . . . . .



He arrives and he is MUCH fitter then his pictures. Happy days. But all he talked about ALL evening was the fucking Foo Fighters. Now I’ve got nothing against them, but do I want to hear a song by song account of every fucking time you’ve seen them live ? No.

Boring.

But anyway, he’s fit, he’s definitely giving me interested vibes and I have needs, so I decide to kill two birds with one stone and shut him up by jumping on him.

Ten disappointing minutes later he tells me he needs a drink, so I told him where to find the juice in the kitchen. His underwear came off with his jeans so I didn’t see it at the time but when he put them on to go get the drink . . . .Oh My God . . . . Horrible old fashioned nylon Y-fronts. 

Pulling pants ? Only if you're blind.

Being me I start laughing - who wouldn’t, and I said that it was a good job I never spotted them sooner because had I seen them first I never would‘ve wanted to get in them. Poor fella looked kinda distraught, he just stood there and said “what’s wrong with them ?” but the more I looked at those pants the more I laughed.

In the end - just so I could compose myself - I went to get the drink. Still laughing so much I was nearly crying.

By the time I poured it I heard him shut the front door on his way out.

Now - I know I maybe shouldn’t of laughed, and I did kind of criticise his ‘performance’ too . . . . well I said “ is that it ? ” But to just leave ? Not so much as a goodbye or even a lame excuse.

Bruised ego and small (well certainly not impressive) man syndrome.

Pathetic.

And very fucking rude.

Ok me naked might not be exactly Kelly Brook but being blunt here the only thing I’d removed was my underwear. Yup. That quick.

One thing I did pick up on was that he rather thought he was gods gift.

To Dave Grohl maybe.


I had a second profile on this dating site.


The following week my alter ego found him, chatted him up, told him all about how horny she was and the empty house she was going to have that week-end.
Loser lapped it up.

Gave him my old mobile number, and an address (that I checked out and was a chip shop 3 hours drive from him) and arranged for him to come round on the Saturday.

There's something fishy going on here...

About 9pm I get a text.

“Think I got your address wrong - I’m outside a chip shop lol - can you send me the right one”

I turned the phone off.
He never did get a reply.

Bitch ? Maybe, but serves him and his horrible pants right.

No wonder I'm single.