arranged marriage

Last week a friend informed me that I am to be married off.

I should explain.
This friend, myself and a few others are going to India for a month in December. Christmas and New Year in the sun - bring it on. I have never been before, although India has always been on my to-do list, but my friend has been several times.
Her ultimate goal is to buy a house and live out there, but in order to be able to do this she needs to be married to an Indian.
However her husband might have something to say about that.
I, on the other hand, have no husband. So she has decided that the best way round her dilemma is to marry me off to an Indian man so that I can buy the house instead.

In theory I’m not exactly opposed to the idea - I get to live in the house in the sun too, but I’m not sure what my dowry would be. Maybe my Indian readers could research the going rate for a loud sarcastic English bird who lets be honest, is a bit past her sell by date.

I joke - but it's a serious issue. Click pic for more info.

I guess in a culture where arranged marriages are common she might not find it too difficult to set this up, however it’s my understanding that usually when they are between couples where one lives in India that person tends to be the one who wants to move. I had a friend from Pakistan who told me that when she and her UK resident husband got married he was quite prepared to live there but she did not want to stay, and she knew a few people who had made the same choice.

Apparently Indians don’t like India very much.
Perhaps the potential husband and I can swap locations, he can come and live in my house. If I emigrate someone will need to feed the cats.
I can’t take them with me they might get curried.

I've made a note of the number.

As for said husband, I’ve made my list of requirements.
Good looking. Shouldn’t be a problem, I’ve seen some very handsome Indian men.
Not skinny. I like a fella to be a bit chunky, but NOT fat.
Younger then me. But not too young, I’m a wannabe cougar not a child molester.
He needs to be able to cook and clean. I’ll be far too busy laying on the beach and shopping in the markets.
There is another requirement, but I’ve said I’ll check that particular statistic out for myself.

However, there are a few potential problems with this plan.
I am too old for have no intention of having any more babies, but I get the impression Indians like big families although the husband will inherit a grown up step son. That'll have to do.
I’m a devout atheist with no intention of converting although I don’t mind wearing a sari, all those layers of floaty fabrics will hide the lumps and bumps accentuate my curves.
And I’m not exactly a virgin either.
Which I believe is a bit of a requirement for Asian brides.
Verging on the ridiculous maybe.

And then there is my long standing aversion to marriage to overcome. During my adult life three men have asked me to marry them and I turned them all down, for various reasons. The thought of having the same sex for the rest of my life wasn’t exactly appealing either.
Although right now any sex would be an improvement.
Maybe I can marry for lust.

Apparently my friend already has someone in mind, and informs me this person is a ‘man who can’, well what I was told was that he can get anything - as in if you want Viagra he knows where to get it.
That’s good - he may well be needing some of that.
It’s been a while.

I think her best bet is to wait until we’ve been there a while, I tan up quite dark and I have long very dark hair, she might just be able to pass me off as a native.
Well until I open my mouth anyway.
The only Indian words I know are Korma, Dhansak and Tikka Massala.

Actually lately I’ve been considering my current single status having read a few blogs written about peoples experiences with dating sites, and it has got me thinking that I might just give them another go myself. My previous attempts did not go well - I wrote about it ages ago ( if you want to see), but that was just after I got rid of the Worst Mistake I Ever Made so I wasn’t exactly in the best frame of mind at the time.

I actually like being single independent, one of the things I struggle with in relationships is the fact that you’re kind of supposed to consider another person whenever you want to make plans. I don’t really do much anymore, I like my free time to be just that. Free. But if I decide to go on holiday, have a girls night out or want to watch a sick film I don’t want to have to think about whether another person would like that too.
And then there’s all the other things having a boyfriend means you’re supposed to do.

No not that, I can never get enough quite like that, in fact that’s the only thing that makes me wish I wasn’t single.
I’m talking about the small print stuff . . . . shave your legs (and other things), change your sheets more then once a fortnight, don’t let your cats sleep on your bed, ignore the snoring, allow football on your TV. I could go on but I might think myself out of the idea.

No, these are not my legs.
My feet are much smaller.

Yeah, for independent read selfish. And hairy.

But anyway I might just redo my profile on a couple of the more respectable sites and see what happens.
If nothing else it might make for some interesting posts, and who knows some unlucky nice man out there might just want to take me on a date.
I could do with some cock male company.


One last fling before I marry my Indian betrothed can’t hurt can it.