oh crap

If you read yesterdays post then you will be aware of my amazing new-found plumbing skills.

It seems I'm not as clever more creative then I thought.
All I wanted was to able to use my new dishwasher but when I got up today (late - and with the mother of all headaches) I discovered that I had also managed to create an indoor paddling pool in my kitchen.
Yup ! Fucker leaked.

Now this I like - turn your sink into a water feature resembling Niagra.

Wish I'd thought of that.

I'll remember this for next time, because there's bound to be a next time.

Well to be precise it wasn't the dishwasher itself that leaked, it was the tap doubler for the water pipe, as I was trying to save time by using the existing water feed for the washing machine. I blame the DIY shop for selling me faulty leaky parts.
Goddamn B&Q and their unreliable incontinent pipes.
They should come with a warning that using them may result in needing a boat to get to your kettle in the morning, or at the very least a free pair of Wellies.

I could copy this fella's idea and get some ducks.

See what I mean about Calamity.
Fuck my life indeed.
Anyway tomorrow I intend to do it properly and solder on a new tap.
Unless my friendly Hasidic Plumber wants to jump in his G5 and come and do it for me ?

Please note not an actual depiction, but an artists impression.

There are no Racoons here, although I do have a Maincoon cat.
I think I might need a plumbing Superhero.

When I was kid if anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was "a gelignite man".
I had no desire to change sex, I just wanted to blow things up.

I have no idea where I got this ambition from, my Mum said I started saying it when I was about four, but I do remember really wanting to do it and being totally mesmerised whenever there was anything on the TV about demolition.
I'm starting to think that maybe my talent for calamity and destruction is me acting out those fantasies on a subconscious level.

If I can't explode things them I'm gonna wreck my house instead.

Although I also think it's probably for the best that I didn't fulfil that particular childhood dream because I'm pretty sure I'd be the one blowing up the wrong building.

NO !! Not that one. . . the one behind it.

If you don't hear from me for a few days send a lifeboat to my house.

goldfish brain

First of all I'd like to say a proper hello and welcome to all my new sheep. Over the last few weeks there has been quite a few of you - I really do appreciate you all coming here and clicking my button.

I tried searching google for "Cowgirl gif". . . they are either cute (not really fitting) or would require an adult content warning on this blog. So you get a flaming welcome instead.

This Cowgirl aint reversing nothing here.

But you do realise that madness can be contagious ?

Well not so much madness as what I call dippyness. . yes folks Calamity has struck again.

When I buy stuff online with my bank card I sometimes get this stupid "verified by Visa" screen pop-up.
As I imagine most people do I have a few passwords that I use for different things. I tend to associate a certain word with each of my emails - but anything to do with money, ebay, paypal, ebanking etc I give individual passwords to.
But that verified by Visa thing, can I remember the password ? Can I fuck.
Every time it appears I have to re- set it.

Next time I'm gonna try this.

Anyway this afternoon I was making a purchase.
You don't need to know what.
(Ok ok it was more shoes)
And once again I forgot the password. The last time I wrote it down, but I was at work and the book it was in at home so I had to set it again. Thinking I'm clever I decide to change it to " Remember this one".
Because I'm bound to remember that aren't I.

Good idea huh ?
Yeah, then the box loads and I get a message that says,
"You have already used this password please select another"

I keep wondering if eventually I'm gonna get banned from using my bank card online.
This might be a good thing, I've been looking at wallpaper for my bedroom this week. Son and I went to the DIY shop a couple of days ago and the only roll I liked was £55. Yeah fuck that, I only need two rolls so I decided to look online. So far the only one I've seen on a website that's really caught my eye was £120 per roll. For wallpaper. Fucking hell.
Have I got to buy my own rainforest first.
What's it made from ? Gold leafed ancient papyrus ?
It needs to be for that price.

However I did get what I went to the DIY shop for - check me out - I can now add plumbing to my impressive list of skills as I have installed a dishwasher.
And no, this is not a reference to the Son's return, I mean an actual Hotpoint - at least I don't have to bribe it with beer and food to get it to work.
Hanging the waste pipe out the window over the drain counts as plumbing right ?

Next week I'm putting in a new bathroom.

PS Ever seen a cat within a cat ?

zzzzz

I am knackered.

This week I have been mostly hanging doors, painting walls, drilling holes (no, proper holes in walls), fixing skirting boards and generally making a mess being creative with power tools.
Give me a drill and I turn into Clint Eastwood. . . go on wood make my day.

I'm kinda working on three posts, but I can't be arsed I'm far too tired to think about finishing any of them. I'm also trying to write a page about the blogs I follow so to make up for the shameless whoring of my own blog laziness in the last few posts I'm going to give you a few now.

Go look at them, there is nothing entertaining here today.

Gweenbrick
Misanthropy Chronicles
Apocalypse Now


Actually I think I might make that another 'regular feature'. . . it'll make a change from the fuckwits I found on facebook which seems to be a recurring topic lately.

Not found any of them this week either, everyone's far too busy moaning about some new layout or something, although I did find this . . .

Just not very well. . . meet my new holiday destination.

And this . . .

Obviously you don't need to go in order to get a job doing this. But if you were a parent deciding which one to send your kid too you wouldn't think this was a good sign would you.

I have also been having a clear up of all the porn crap on my laptop and found some pictures so you can look at them too. And yeah I stole them off the internet  . . . if the cow is yours ask me nicely and I'll tell you to kiss my arse remove it.

I'm not sure what I find more amusing - the car on the face or 

the fact that the cow's name is Bruce.

The new spokesman for student unions everywhere. . . 

meet my Grandad.

A long time ago I wrote a post about Prince Philip (oops here I go whoring it again). . . the racist twat who is married to Queen Liz. I have just seen a clip of him and Liz chatting to Obama.

OB "I had meetings with the Chinese, the Russians and David Cameron and I'm proud to say I did not nod off in any of them"
PP "Can you tell the difference between them"

The man talks out of his arse. . .

Someone needs to tell the royal famly, them fuckers keep on breeding and keep on sponging off the country. Apparently we are in an economic crisis (whatever that means, as long as I can afford fags and chocolate I'm ok) and everything is being cut back. But I've not heard mention of the fucking civil list.

And talking of cut backs. . . this cats diet. What the fuck ? Surely that is animal cruelty. . .I bet it can't even lick it's own genitals and we all know how much cats love to do that.

Be honest now, if you could lick yours would you ?

Yeah, I would. It's got to be better then turning into one of these . . .

I'm off to get some sleep.

Let me leave you with this thought.

Not everything on the internet is what it appears to be.

rearranging the furniture

Hey guys, I’ve made a few tweaks to my blog.

My recommended reading page never got a lot of views so I’ve taken it off and added it as a blog roll instead. (That expression always makes me LOL, sounds like bog roll - UK slang for toilet paper).
My intention is to set it to feature five blogs at a time but rotate which ones, you should definitely all take a look at the fabulous folk on there at the moment.

I’d like to ask a favour of you, I have a few friends who have said they are going to start a blog and asked me for advice - hence I’ve added a page of what I think are helpful hints.

I wondered if you would take a look at it and if you can think of anything else that would be useful add it to the comments.

Thanks, DCG J

I spent the weekend before last rearranging the furniture in the lounge as I bought a wall mounting kit for my television. Yup, I have power tools and I'm gonna use them.

However the walls in this house are old, and the drill bit kind of slips - but I got twelve large holes successfully bored and twelve raw plugs and bolts then attached to the bracket and mounted the TV. Once it was up I cleared up the mess then went to sit down and enjoy my handiwork.

Then I spotted my mistake.
The (now bolted to the bracket) TV is not quite straight. I have measured it - it's out by 6mm, three friends have been round and said they can't notice it at all.

But me ? I keep finding myself doing this. . . . .

My neck is starting to ache.

And yeah, before all the men chip in with the sarky comments I did use a spirit level. But the walls aren't straight.