intimacy

The very lovely Janie Junebug is running a weekly series of guest posts on her blog on the subject of intimacy. She wants to know what that means to different people, and the posts so far have all been very interesting and diverse.

And now thanks to me the tone has been lowered to gutter level.

Unfortunately due to the nefarious Dr X and his concubines reading her blog she was forced to make it private a while ago, so as some of you will be unable to read it I am posting it here today as well. If you want to know more about Dr X, contribute to the series, or just read Janie - and this lady can write, then go to her profile and send her an email.
Everyone is welcome. . . . apart from he who shall not be named !

Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssss

When Janie first asked me if I wanted to write a contribution to this topic it left me rather stumped.

Because she said it should be "a post about intimacy, not sex, real intimacy", and in my world you can't have one without the other.
The way my emotions are wired sex, love and intimacy are all sides of the same coin.

Well that's not entirely correct.
I can have sex without intimacy, have done, more times then I care to remember a few times.
But just not the other way round.

The saying goes the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, it's the same for me, except you need to reach my stomach via a different route.
I've had some great sex with men I wasn't in love with, but I've never fallen in love with anyone who wasn't giving me mind blowing, swinging from the chandeliers, how the fuck do I manage to get my legs in that position sex.

Don't misunderstand me, I know that when you find intimacy it becomes about more then sex. But I just can't get there without it, and I have experienced that feeling of being so in tune with someone that it's almost like you can read each others minds.
But for it to last that needs to translate itself to a man who can read my mind so I don't have to tell him when to speed it up or slow it down or flip me over.
That's how I REALLY know that somebody gets me.

Sometimes I wonder if I was really ever love, because as soon as the sex diminished I went off the man pretty damn quick.

The way it works for me is I like someone, so the sex gets a bit better, so I like them more, the more I like them the more I want sex, the more sex we have the better it gets, until it gets to the point where I think I love them (and the very best sex is always with someone you love - for me THAT'S where the intimacy comes into it). And then I want it ALL the time.
Morning.
When you get in from work.
At night.
If you have an extra half hour for lunch.
And don't be making plans that involve getting dressed at the week-end. Although I have a selection of outfits that might fit the occasion.

It's also at this point that I like to get a bit kinky.

And it's at this point that pretty much every man I ever got involved with started saying things like, and I quote. . .
"I can't do that with you, I love you and I respect you too much" (No, I'm not telling you what 'that' was, but he was on the way out the minute those words were out of his mouth).
"You just want me for sex" (Well no, but without it you're not getting anything else).
"If I had an accident and my cock got cut off you'd dump me" (Honestly ? Yeah, he was probably right).
"I'm not a human vibrator" (Clearly he wasn't, once his battery died there was no replacing it).
"All we ever do is fuck, can't we just cuddle" (FYI in my world cuddling is foreplay).
"Do NOT be waking me up with a blow job tonight, I need to sleep" ( I decided this one was gay).
"Why do you have to act like a slut all the time" (Because he told me he liked women who dress up, so I used to turn up at his house wearing. . . )
"Why can't you let me make the first move instead of jumping on me as soon as I get here" ( This one wanted me to make him dinner while he moaned about work...nah, help me work up an appetite first and then I'll let you order a pizza. His job was digging holes in the road. REALLY wanted to talk about that. Not.)
And once I heard those statements I knew the end was nigh.
Boring.

Seriously, I thought men wanted a woman who is always up for it. And when I'm really into someone I am, truth is I think they found my libido intimidating.
But as soon as I start to feel anything approaching frustration any emotions I feel seem to die off.

Maybe that's why I'm single.
Some of the relationships I've had have left me rather cynical, but at the same time I think that I just haven't met anyone truly compatable, or maybe never found true love, and I'd like to think I can put a YET on the end of that.
My last boyfriend fucked with my head in ways that have nothing to do with this post, and I am only just now beginning to think that it might be time to put the hunting gear on again.

Because there are really only two things I miss about being with someone.
The first one, obviously, is sex.
I'm spending a fucking fortune on batteries.
But the other thing is intimacy, and by that I mean the closeness I only seem to be able to feel when I am physically close to someone.
Which means I'll be expecting a lot of sex.

And having just read this back I realise that while Janie wanted a post about intimacy I have in fact just written a post about sex.

I think that proves my point.



Here's the link for Janies profile. Or as I moderate my comments leave me your email (it won't be published) and I will pass on to her.
I love her - and you will too !

social disasters

If I was a writer I think right about now I'd be worried that I was suffering from writers block.

When I get an idea for one of my 'opinion' posts . . . the ones where I force my opinions down your throats share my opinions with you, I usually start a draft about it, make a few notes, steal find some relevant pictures and then finish it once I've checked a few facts out on Wiki (I like to at least sound like I know what I'm talking about).

I currently have six of these posts sat in the folder, but I keep looking at them and my mind is just blank.
I hope I haven't lost my ranting mojo.

That's not really likely, I have been feeling rather aggressive the last few days for some bizarre reason. I seem to be in a permanent bad mood. Yesterday morning I swore at a group of students on the way to the train station, they were stood at a bus stop but taking up the whole pavement. . . "Get the fuck out of my way". . . as I barged through them with my elbows.
Perhaps I need to go out, get drunk and start a fight, then I can write blog posts about my life as a criminal.
Maybe not, I don't think you're allowed a laptop in prison and I would be lost without mine.
If you could have a PC in the nick then all those online meet-your-perfect-match places would be full of convicts, and people would be 'liking' HMP Wormwood Scrubs on facebook.
I think I need to find a boyfriend get laid.

It was with that thought in mind that last night I decided to visit a facebook app for 'meeting people'. You might be familiar with it - you 'tag' people according to what you think of their picture. Of course I don't really like to play fair, there was a time I used this app a lot, mostly to abuse people if I'm honest - in the days before I discovered blogging it amused me. But I did meet a few horny men interesting people on there, and I really can't be arsed to tart myself up and meet someone in the real world.
So I logged in . . .  and twenty minutes later I logged out.
Why ?
This is the pick of the bunch.

'David' can go bum himself. Seriously think he needs to review his chat-up lines.

And the blacked out face ? That's to spare you, not him. I suppose it's a point in his favour that were he to be 'bumming' anyone they wouldn't need to be looking at his face.

WHAT ??? Oh please. . . hold me back. Why would you ?  And on a facebook application for fuck sake, anyone can see this. And he wants me to add him on msn, not fucking likely. It'll start with pleasant chit chat and end up with me coming home from work to find you in my knickers. . . and not in the way I'd like.

And I've got bigger tits then him, bound to cause jealous rows.

There's a few things wrong with this. One - is he actually saying that he thinks I'm a male escort ? 'Cos that's how it reads to me. Two - his assumption that I am a 40plus lady (Way to win a girl over, fucking cheeky cunt). Three - his assumption that he's worth paying for (he's no stud muffin is he ?) Four - his assumption that I'm that desperate. I'm not. I'm just bored and exploring options.

He's not one of them.

It seems the app has gotten worse since I last used it, all the genuine people who weren't just looking for a shag - the ones that wanted friends, general chat and maybe the possibility of finding someone for a date - have left. As happens on so many 'dating' sites nowadays the serial shaggers have taken over. They were always there, but they were in the minority.

I've written before about my experiences on dating sites, I don't think I want to go there again.

Guess if I really want to meet someone I need to polish my high heels, shave my legs (anyone got a strimmer I can borrow ?) and get out in the real world.

I actually think that this may be the only really genuine response I got.

I've arranged a date for next Saturday. We're going to the park.

One thing I am quite sure of is that if you want to use the Internet to meet genuine people, just for the pleasure of making international friends with no hidden agenda, then blogging is definitely one of the better ways to go about it.

But if any of you are single, rich, hung walk on two legs I'm available.

Just in case, here's the picture I used on the facebook site. . . .

No wonder I got such a great response.

a dish best served cold

A couple of comments on my last post got me thinking about revenge.

You know, a woman scorned and all that.
If someone cheats on you would you stay just so you could make them suffer, or is it suffering enough to leave and make them live in purgatory without you.
I suppose it depends on the size of your evil mean streak.


Brilliant !

There are plenty of revenge websites now, mostly guys posting pictures the cheating ex allowed them to take, well you let someone do that you need to be prepared for the possible consequences, (I already wrote a post about that) but really there’s no imagination or brains in that type of retaliation.

I think us women are far more devious then that.

My favourite story of revenge is not mine.
But the sheer brilliance and cold calculation of this is just genius really. Evil genius.

If you’re a bit squeamish then you should probably skip the next paragraph.
  

This friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, was living with a fella and found out that he was seeing someone else behind her back. The boyfriend suffered from haemorrhoids, so badly that when he was having an attack he needed to use internal cream. We all knew about this because it was kind of funny, and also because she used to moan about the fact that it affected their sex life. However it was when he suddenly began to ‘have more attacks’ and therefore wanted less sex, that she had become suspicious of him as she noticed that when this happened sometimes he wasn’t actually using the cream.  

 

I don’t remember exactly how she found out the truth but she even knew the other girls name so her suspicions were confirmed.



"For external use only"

She bought some muscle rub cream ( the kind that gets hot once put on your skin) and managed to empty the tube of haemorrhoid cream and replace it with the muscle cream. She then stayed with him for another two weeks, acting like nothing was wrong, waiting for him to have an attack. Then came the night he did and was, so she said, already in pain so went to use his cream. She then told him - as he was apparently writhing on the bathroom floor in absolute agony - that she was leaving him and why.

We always thought she was a bit mental. After that we knew.

But fair play all the same.

I know another woman who found out her husband was cheating with a work colleague. He had a lot of expensive suits - she took all the trousers to a tailors and had the legs of every pair taken up by two inches.

Very clever.

And me ? I’ve had my moments of inspiration too.

The first time I ever lived with a guy, which if I’m honest wasn’t because I loved him - more he had his own flat and I needed somewhere to live, was when I was about 19. We both worked full time, although I got home an hour before him. At first I was cooking every day when I got in, the kitchen in the shared house I was in before was always a mess so I enjoyed having a clean and tidy place to cook in.
But after a couple of weeks the novelty wore off.

mmmmm . . . .meaty chunks



So on probably the third day of coming home to no food the soon-to-be-ex decided to pick a fight, based upon his idea that a man should come home to find dinner waiting for him. The next day I took the day off work and moved my stuff round to a friends then went back to the flat and made him pie, I even made the pastry from scratch.

And the filling ? Dog food.

He gets in “something smells nice" . . . . it did. I put it on a plate for him and once he was sat down and I knew he was going to tuck in said I had to pop out and left.

Never to return.



I’ve also tipped someone’s very expensive aftershave down the sink and replaced it with my own piss.

That was a good one.

Another ex once tried to tell me that I couldn’t go on a night out because he had nothing to do, so I pretended not to mind and then said if I had to stay in I wanted to get kinky.

He agreed.

So I tied him to the bed then went out anyway. Although I made it up to him when I got in. . . . a lot later.

Some people just ask for it.

There was this guy about a year ago, I got chatting to him on a dating site. We were talking to each other for a couple of months, he didn’t strike me as being ‘my type’ so whilst I was happy to chat online I wasn’t really expecting anything to come of it. He also lived a couple of hours drive from me. But anyway this particular day we were chatting and I mentioned that my plans for the coming week end had been cancelled, he suggested coming down and taking me out instead. After a bit of discussion I agreed, bearing in mind that he would need to stay over if we had a drink, on the understanding that he will be sleeping on the sofa.

Unless I decide otherwise . . . . .



He arrives and he is MUCH fitter then his pictures. Happy days. But all he talked about ALL evening was the fucking Foo Fighters. Now I’ve got nothing against them, but do I want to hear a song by song account of every fucking time you’ve seen them live ? No.

Boring.

But anyway, he’s fit, he’s definitely giving me interested vibes and I have needs, so I decide to kill two birds with one stone and shut him up by jumping on him.

Ten disappointing minutes later he tells me he needs a drink, so I told him where to find the juice in the kitchen. His underwear came off with his jeans so I didn’t see it at the time but when he put them on to go get the drink . . . .Oh My God . . . . Horrible old fashioned nylon Y-fronts. 

Pulling pants ? Only if you're blind.

Being me I start laughing - who wouldn’t, and I said that it was a good job I never spotted them sooner because had I seen them first I never would‘ve wanted to get in them. Poor fella looked kinda distraught, he just stood there and said “what’s wrong with them ?” but the more I looked at those pants the more I laughed.

In the end - just so I could compose myself - I went to get the drink. Still laughing so much I was nearly crying.

By the time I poured it I heard him shut the front door on his way out.

Now - I know I maybe shouldn’t of laughed, and I did kind of criticise his ‘performance’ too . . . . well I said “ is that it ? ” But to just leave ? Not so much as a goodbye or even a lame excuse.

Bruised ego and small (well certainly not impressive) man syndrome.

Pathetic.

And very fucking rude.

Ok me naked might not be exactly Kelly Brook but being blunt here the only thing I’d removed was my underwear. Yup. That quick.

One thing I did pick up on was that he rather thought he was gods gift.

To Dave Grohl maybe.


I had a second profile on this dating site.


The following week my alter ego found him, chatted him up, told him all about how horny she was and the empty house she was going to have that week-end.
Loser lapped it up.

Gave him my old mobile number, and an address (that I checked out and was a chip shop 3 hours drive from him) and arranged for him to come round on the Saturday.

There's something fishy going on here...

About 9pm I get a text.

“Think I got your address wrong - I’m outside a chip shop lol - can you send me the right one”

I turned the phone off.
He never did get a reply.

Bitch ? Maybe, but serves him and his horrible pants right.

No wonder I'm single.



newsworthy ?

I am beyond fed up with hearing about the extra marital exploits of Ryan Giggs.

I made him a new shirt.

First we had all the ‘who is it ?’ fiasco about this ‘super injunction’ that was supposed to keep us all from finding out who had the affair with a Big Brother “star”…ie bint who kept her name in the papers once her five minutes of BB fame was over by getting her tits out for lads mags.
Thanks to Twitter and the power of the information highway that didn’t stay secret for long - although there was already enough speculation, but then if nobody knew it was him how did they know it was her ? Most people forgot who she was a long time ago, well apart from the followers of her glamour 'career' (why is it called glamour modelling when you get your bits out and just modelling when your wearing designer clothes ? I know which one I think is more glamorous) but Giggs is very well known - even I know who he is and I make a point of NOT following football.

Apparently his lawyers are planning to sue Twitter.
Here’s a thought Ryan - maybe you should’ve just kept your cock in your pants ?
Whose the really guilty party here ? Not Twitter that’s for sure.


No secrets.

Then his brothers wife decides to spill the proverbial beans and let's it be known that she’d been fucking him ‘on and off’ (ha !) for EIGHT years. All the while married to his brother. This sorry piece of ass is now whining that her marriage is over. Really ? You are quoted by a friend as saying that you just “couldn’t get enough” of your husbands brother then expect said husband to stay ?
And no doubt only confessed in the first place because you got an attack of the green eyed monster when you heard about the BB slapper. Your cheating lover can't be trusted ? Who would've thought.
What a fucking bitch.
Unbelievable.

Meanwhile back at the ranch some other floozy has decided to come forward and tell us all that she has also been shagging Giggs. I'm surprised his knobs not fallen off. According to the news item I’ve just seen she rang the sister-in-law and said you’re not the only one. No doubt with a reporter from one of the tabloids listening in.
Wonder how much she’s getting paid for her story.
And I wonder how many more women are going to come forward now, because any man that can cheat on his wife with his brothers wife clearly has no morals or respect for anyone, and you can be sure there are others.

He’s also obviously stupid, no surprise there then. But most people that cheat at least have the common sense to realise that there’s a reason it’s called playing AWAY from home.
And given that Giggs is a premiership football player you would think he could understand the difference between home and away.
Yeah, stupid.
Family get togethers are going to be interesting now.

The only person in all this who I felt any amount of sympathy for is Giggs’s wife, bad enough finding out your husband has cheated with a fame hungry bimbo who no doubt thought she saw an opportunity to fuck her way further up the ladder of non-entities and threw herself at him.
But to then have to hear all the other shit. Including your sister in law ?
I’ve never understood women who find out they’re being cheated on and want to take it out on the other woman, she wasn't the one cheating was she ? He's the one deserves a bobbit.
But in that situation I think I’d be round her house stamping on her face.

And yet the wife is apparently ‘standing by him’.
That I don’t understand - why stick with someone who has pretty much publicly humiliated you ?
If your husband has been having an eight year affair along with various other indiscretions wouldn’t you think that your marriage was a lie.
Love is blind I guess.

He’s not the first and nor will he be the last public figure to be exposed in this way, and if you live your life in the public eye then you can expect the public to be just as interested when you make a mistake as when you score the winning goal or bring about world peace. More so really. I think as much as we love to worship at the cult of celebrity we love it even more when they are caught with their pants down and proved to be far from perfect.
These fame hungry wannabe’s who set out to court the press and bring attention to themselves for whatever minor talent they have, (usually showing their tits), then scream injustice when it turns against them are hilarious.
Having the tabloids discover your affairs or criminal record is the modern equivalent of a public stoning.

Are there any women here today ?

Gossip sells magazines and papers, and if it’s gossip about the sex lives of the rich and famous even better.
It bothers me though that these items seem to get far more coverage then the really important things that are happening in the world. Sometimes I wonder if there isn’t a conspiracy between the media companies and the government.
“The economies going to shit, soldiers are dying in Afghanistan and the world is still at risk of impending nuclear disaster from Japan but keep feeding them information about Giggsy’s cock and they won’t notice“.

When was the last time you saw an update about Fukushima on the news ? Or the thousands of people still homeless and suffering as a result of all that happened in Japan. I have been following a spreadsheet via The Guardian, an intelligent paper’s website, regarding the state of the reactors. If you want to know click here. Be warned though, it’s not good.

Thanks to the internet and satellite TV we are no longer limited to what our own countries press choose to feed us, it’s quite interesting to look at foreign news sites and see how different stories are portrayed. Newsreel propaganda did not end with the second world war, and it isn’t just confined to the far east.

I have seen this happen very close to home.
I worked with a kid who whilst out with friends had accidentally set light to a bin shed under a block of flats.
No real harm was done, when the boys realised what was happening ( they threw a cigarette end in the bin thinking it was out ) they had called the fire brigade before running away. However this particular boy was known to the police because he often tried to run away from the home, and as there was CCTV footage he was arrested. Because of the ‘criminal code’ he refused to ‘grass’ the other boys with him and so he alone was taken to court.

When the local newspaper picked up on this story it was reported that he was a dangerous arsonist who had tried to endanger the lives of the residents in the flats, and that he was in care because he was out of control.
Luckily they were not allowed to print his name.
He was in fact a very scared 13 year old boy who was in care because his mother was a heroin addict. And it was his voice recorded on the 999 call to the fire brigade.
That used to be the only paper I would buy, I’m not interested in the tabloids - but after that I stopped.

It’s one thing to write damning reports about politicians, pop stars and footballers with scandalous affairs and corruption, but a child ?

As for the attention seeking celebrities - I guess they get what they deserve, I just don’t want to hear about it every fucking time I turn the TV on.
There are way more important and interesting things happening in the world right now.

love thy neighbour

I fucking hate the fucking noisy cunts that live next door.
Today was my last chance for a lie in until next Saturday and they woke me up at 9am having an argument.

Bastards.

She is one whiny whingy stupid bitch.
I don’t agree with men hitting women ever, but I’m quite prepared to go round there and stick my fist in her face for him.
You might be inclined to say there’s two sides to every story but I hear every fucking thing she says - well screeches - at him so I KNOW it’s all down to her.
He’s a right wimp and he seriously needs to grow some bollocks.

Usually they start at night after they’ve had a drink, one night they were arguing from about 11pm until 4 in the morning when he eventually left the house. Then the fucking loser was sat on my front wall talking to her on the phone, I opened the door and told him to shut the fuck up.

During that row I must of heard him say “tell me what I’ve done” about 30 times.
Was very tempted to knock the door and ask her myself so that I could tell him and they could both be quiet or at least I’d know why I felt like I was living in Beirut.

If they start yelling at night when they’re in their bedroom and I’m in mine I stick my stereo on and treat them to Cowgirls Techno Favourites…Loudly.
And when they stop shouting I turn it down for 15 minutes (just long enough for them to start to sleep) and then I turn it up again.

I can keep that up for longer then any of their pathetic rows.

One night I did that - after listening to her scream at him for an hour - and one of the cheeky cunts banged the wall.

I went downstairs and got sons drum'n'bass CD and stuck that on.

Didn’t bother me, I had Snow Patrol playing in my headphones.

Son says she sounds like Linda Blair in the exorcist.

They’re both in their early twenties and chat to son so I told him to ask the fella if her head spins round when they’re arguing.

I prefer to ignore them, it’s better for them that way.

But the day is coming when she’ll be outside her door as I’m coming in or going out and she’s gonna ask me how I am and I’m not very good at restraining myself…….

And then I’m likely to show her how to really shout.

They also have two dogs, one of whom will bark at any fucking noise when they’re out, and I occasionally have to listen to them shagging.
The happy couple that is, not the dogs.

Nice.

Luckily the sex, unlike the arguments, only lasts for about twenty minutes.

I cant help thinking there’s a connection there.

I’m very tempted to point out to him that if he could make that last a bit longer she might stay in a better mood for longer too.

But then I’d have to listen to it. Maybe I should suggest that men can improve their stamina by having sex in the kitchen.

He’s thick as shit he’d most likely believe it.

Apparently today’s disturbance started as he found her crying in the bath because they haven’t had sex for three weeks.

I know - it’s been bliss this side of the wall.

She thinks he doesn’t love her any more, quite frankly I don’t fucking blame him.

Even I can tell that neither of them are happy, but they’re young, they have no kids so I wonder why they even stay together.

I’m pretty certain if they didn’t have arguments she’d have nothing to talk about on the phone to her Mum, because I can hear her doing that too sometimes

I reckon they must like being fucking miserable.

Either that or they’re both masochists and if so I really hope they don’t decide to take that to the next level. If I have to sit here and listen to those kind of practises through the walls I’m calling the fucking noise pollution people.

Love thy neighbour ?

Not when they’re fucking inconsiderate morons I don’t.

Rant over. Thankyou for listening.

i know nothing

I like to think I’m quite open minded.

I don’t have any inhibitions when it comes to bedroom activities and I’ve had more then my fair share of wild moments. There have been plenty of times when I’ve been talking with friends and the subject turns to sex, which I have no issues talking about either, and I’ll say something about one of my adventures that without my meaning to shocks them.
When it comes to fantasies my attitude has always been that if the thought of something turns me on then I may as well do it. You should at least try it once, if you don’t like it then you don’t have to do it again but if you do…well…happy days.

There’s no harm in adding to your repertoire, doesn’t make me a slut just means I’m adventurous.

But anyway earlier today I saw a gadget called the Human Sex Map on another blog, and all I can say is clearly I must of actually led a fairly sheltered life.
I’ve never been remotely inclined to indulge in anything gross involving shit or animals but compared to a lot  of people I’ve spoken to I thought I was fairly liberated, (or maybe I just have no problem admittng it ) but I saw things on this map I’ve never heard of.
So of course I googled them.
Be rude not to.

Angry Dragon ?…yeah I’d be fucking furious and Dirty Sanchez isn’t just a TV programme.

Meet the Fuckzall....DIY anyone ?

I’ve tried the whole cyber sex/webcam thing, it didn’t do much for me, you’re still on your own wanking and honestly I think I’d rather watch porn, well at least they’re good looking.
Well as long you don’t put the words Ron and Jeremy in the search bar.
But apparently there is something called Telidonics, in my head I now have an image of a USB vibrator but I don’t thinks that’s quite it. 

Are you familiar with the term Abasiophilia ? Apparently it applies to people who have a fetish for users of orthopaedic devices such as leg braces or even wheelchairs.

Does your partner have a habit of leaving things on the stairs where you’re liable to trip ?
Is he or she a reckless driver, ever found yourself thinking that they are going to have an accident if they don’t slow down.

Yeah, I’d be worried.

The Violet Wand - reminds me of the dentist.

I watched a TV programme a while ago about men who are into Real Dolls, I thought it was hilarious, strange and also quite sad. Men who are so desperate for female company and yet for whatever reason don’t have a real woman.
They treat these dolls like they’re people though, they don’t deflate once they’re done with them they take them for days out or position them in front of the telly.

Weird Huh ? But I looked up Natori Masks and it seems some folk get off on wearing masks that make them look like they’re dolls.
Ever heard of Dacrynalgia ?
No, me neither but apparently there are people out there who are turned on by women crying. Each to his own but family funerals must be interesting.
I bet their friends all think they’re wonderful people too…”oh Steve, yeah he’s such a good friend, always willing to let you cry on his shoulder “.

Anyway I'm off to see if I can find a grope box and a monkey rocker on ebay, if you want to get your own map.... and you know you do - here’s the link. Human Sex Map
Enjoy !
 Update : Re, Real Dolls...someone just sent me this on facebook - omfg !　
Purely platonic ? yeah, until the missus goes to bingo.
Look out for the boss eyed one, fucking hilarious.

And if any of them get broken and lose a leg I suppose he could always advertise them on an abasiophiliac site, there's bound to be one.

the joy of sex ?

A couple of hilarious and quite contradictory things I've found while trawling the internet.

Reasons to be very glad that I am living now and not then.

So ladies have you mastered the art of looking welcoming but not obvious ?
At least you don't need the wonderbra and suspenders. Personally I'm wondering what the more 'unusual' practises were.
I'm guessing anything that the woman might've enjoyed.

No wonder women always look so fucking miserable when you see pictures from then. Well it sounds Victorian but it's from the early 60s - which is when I was born.
How times have changed and thank fuck they did.

And then there's this......
A Japanese catalogue from around the same time as the other article.
The translation only adds to the joy.

"............then she will never seperate from you"
No, not without medical help.

I suppose they at least cared about a woman enjoying sex, even it meant she was going to be confronted by a man wearing something that resembled a medieval torture implement and intending to give her unexplainable feelings.


Now where's my rabbit.

and another thing....

Why DO men have nipples ?

I mean it’s a question that does get pondered on from time to time.
In terms of evolution you might wonder why the male nipple hasn’t become a thing of the past. It serves no apparent purpose, other then for those who’ve decided to stick a bit of metal through it.

And the few who enjoy having them played with the same way women do.
(As it goes I think that’s probably way more of them then actually let on….they probably just think it’s gay to admit it).

And yes I know that every foetus starts as female, but wouldn’t it make sense - given that evolution has got rid of other unnecessary physical attributes in a lot of species - that at the same time that Y chromosome is telling the cluster of cells to develop testicles it realised it didn’t need to make nipples ?

This is my Theory.

Mother Nature - being the wise old bird she is, decided men should keep them because she knew there would come a time when men would be staying at home with the babies while the women went out to work.
And breast is best.
Although given the fuss the average man can make over a cold I'd like to see one coping with cracked sore nipples and a baby with tooth.

Think I’m wrong ?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Male_lactation 

dangerous liaisons

I really can’t believe the stupid bury-my-head-in-the-sand attitude of this.

Was chatting to a male friend last night, the guys a bit of a tart but he’s quite upfront about it (well to me anyway), but we’ve often had these story swapping conversations. We make each other laugh and I can talk about anything with him. He’s a good looking fella, I’d be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind - but I like having him as a mate so anything else was never really on the agenda.
Just as well.

So I’m telling him about this funny conversation I’d had wherein I was saying I was a cunt and he says I may well be, but he thinks he’s risen in the arsehole stakes because he has arranged FOUR dates (and in his world that means coming round his house for sex) for this week.
He also said that they all thought they were the ’only’ one.
This is a 39 year old father of two by the way, not an 18 year old boy.
Ever the joker I replied that I was a bit skint so did he want to buy a box of condoms off me.
He said “ I never use them, I get checked regularly, I’ve had the snip and I’m fussy who I sleep with”.

Four women you met on a facebook app in a week ?….yeah you’re really fussy.

What the fuck ???

What’s up with these people ???

The reply I gave was more of a lecture.
Was he was going to get checked after each one ?
Did he not realise that most STI’s take a while to show on tests, in the case of HIV at least three months ?
Did he not know that some people, especially women, will often show no symptoms of some STI’s ?
Was he aware that the herpes virus can lie dormant for years, that people can be carriers who have the virus without knowing, and pass it on without ever developing the infection themselves ?
Was he aware that HIV infection is still on the increase, especially amongst heterosexual people ?

Because of the work I’ve done with teenagers I’ve undergone training to deliver safe sex workshops - so I was quoting facts and figures at him.

I finished the lecture by pointing out to him that if these women are prepared to fuck him without a condom then it’s very likely that they let other men do so too, or did he think that he was the ‘only’ one.
“Are you that stupid that you don’t think women lie too ?”

Apart from this confirming to me (what I already knew) that the current trend for ‘no strings’ sex is not for me, it’s such a fine example of stupidity and naivety that I’m still pretty fucking dumbstruck.

Especially from someone who has been ’playing the field’ for a good few years since his marriage ended. There have been a few times that I’ve been with men who have tried to tell me that we don’t need to use a condom because they “don’t have anything”.

Personally I value my life and health too much to take a chance and I’m not stupid enough to fall for ridiculous lines. Yeah I get that it might lessen sensitivity - but that’s just gonna make it last a bit longer.
Not a problem for me.

But in this day and age, when we’re all supposed to be a bit more educated and enlightened why would you NOT want to protect yourself ?

Given the number of websites dedicated to swingers, no strings meetings and married people wanting a bit on the side I have no doubt that the levels of promiscuity are on the rise. I suspect that there were a lot of people who previously would’ve indulged in these activities but had no opportunity to do so due to the inability to find like minded people. Now all they have to do is get a computer and there they are, just a click away from a world of debauchery.

I’m thinking that it’s not a very safe world though.

Whilst HIV is a terrible thing I think one really positive effect to come from it was the way society wised up to the need for open discussion about sexual behaviour and educating teenagers the right way.
That is, recognising that we cant stop them from having sex but we should be telling them how to keep safe.
I think we’re way passed the point when HIV was considered a gay problem, in the beginning yes it was mostly affecting gay men - probably due to the nature of their sexual practises and high levels of promiscuity. But they wised up and learnt, sadly not before many of them had died.
And there are still some parts of the world where HIV transmission rates are very high.

Do we have to see epidemic proportions of straight people dying or becoming infertile due to chlamydia and gonorrhoea before the hetero world really gets the message ?

Wise up and rubber up people, even the most amazing sex is not worth dying for.

I want to add an update to this, and I will be also saying this to my mate...surely if he gets checked regularly, as he says he does, then he must be aware that there are risks ?
The guys a builder, I've seen work pics of him in which he's wearing a hard hat, to minimise risks to his personal safety.
Spot the irony ?

hello boys

This post is in response to
http://mrmusing.blogspot.com/2011/01/body-sculpting-underwear-who-is-it.html

Oh how this article made me laugh….
Is this another benefit of the age of equality ?

I noticed that the models used in the advertising are all buff young things that in reality have no need of the product, just like the wonderbra is always advertised by a woman with a pert firm bosom, anti-ageing creams by 20 yr olds and ‘Bridget Jones’ knickers by women with toned bellys and a bum that’s not heading south. Show me a before and after using a mother of four (breast fed) babies with some extra padding and a middle aged spread transformed into Elle McPherson and I’ll be impressed.

What these adverts aren’t telling you is that putting on some item that’s going to squeeze you tight around the middle doesn’t get rid of the flab…it just moves it elsewhere. Yes you might suddenly have a flatter smoother middle, but you will end up with love handles in your armpits and saddle bags by your knees…the spillage has to go somewhere. Women know these things.

Whilst it may be true that some people see it as an alternative to losing weight, I can also see that some might actually look at their tummy in their wonder-vest and be inspired to get to the gym and make it real. After all summers coming and you’d look like a right twat wearing one on the beach. It might be a quick-fix but it’s a lot less drastic then surgery, not to mention cheaper.
The (saggy) bottom line here is people feel good if they think they look good, and there’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a confidence boost. And confident self-assured people can stand out in a crowd just as much as beautiful people.
Everyone likes to look good after all.

But is it really conning anyone ? I guess it depends why you’re wearing them. Personally, I’m fairly slightly overweight underheight, and my size doesn’t bother me, but I don’t own a bra that isn’t underwired and I have got some ‘slimming’ knickers for special occasions, but it’s really about looking good in certain clothes and feeling better for myself. I know when I get home and take them off what I’m going to be confronted with. And believe me that feeling when you undo your bra and peel off the torture pants is pure release. I don’t use them to fool the opposite sex, actually I think if someone likes you enough to want to get naked then it really shouldn’t matter. I’m a short size 14 with E cup boobs, no amount of scaffolding and insulation will ever make me look like I’m a size 8, and I happen to think that most men prefer a curvy woman to a stick. Yeah…ok…I would say that, but my male friends don’t disagree…and not just because they’re scared I’m likely to punch them.

I remember watching an Eddie Murphy stand up show many years ago where he was talking about how women fool men, wearing high heels, tons of make-up, a padded bra and a weave in their hair, perhaps this is the mans revenge ?

But, having read Mr Musings article I did wonder how I would feel if I found myself in the situation he described…about to get naked with someone and they then turn out to be not quite what the packaging promised ? Hmmm, well for a start they’ll be getting an even bigger shock when I remove the wrapping, but really - and what I think people need to realise - is they don’t make you lose weight, you just look a bit more toned, it’s not as if Tupac is gonna take his clothes off and suddenly you’re about to get jiggy with Biggy, and as I’ve already said, if your in that situation it shouldn’t really matter, although of course I do realise that there are people to whom it would. Personally I’d be more disappointed if it turned out he was wearing padded boxers. I reckon there’s a whole undiscovered marketing opportunity there.
That’s the real wonder bra revenge.

Mr Musing http://mrmusing.blogspot.com/ welcomes responses to all his posts….if you would like to reply to any of them please leave a comment under the relevant article for him.

who could refuse ?

Sometimes when I’m bored and the in the company of my mate insomnia I use a social application on facebook, I like the random chats, opportunities to abuse, and there's a few fairly nice people that I talk to. As with a lot of sites there are allsorts there, most just want to pass time and have a giggle, but some are after no strings sex and others want a relationship. And of course I'm well aware that not everyone may be quite what they seem.

I’m happy being single, I’m not interested in ‘adult dating’ - honestly, tried that, wasn’t for me. Although I do intend to write about my experiences with it…that’ll be a laugh for sure.
I digress, as I say I’m alright as I am but you could say I live in hope.

So early last Friday morning I’m using this app and I get a message from a fella, just general chat for a bit then he asks me whereabouts in “our” city I am. So he’s local. Says he’s read my profile (which is really just me ranting about the wankers and serial shaggers that use the site) and he thinks I’m a funny girl.
Hmmm . . . hardly a girl.
Anyway.

We chat a bit longer, except now he starts ending messages with kisses and calling me sexy, 

“so tell me sexy have you always lived here then”
“what do you do for a living then sexy”
Hmmmm . . .

This irritates me, he doesn’t know me, he’s seen a couple of carefully chosen, shopped, realistic pictures but flattery is NOT gonna work on me, I’m far too cynical and especially online - but by now I’ve been chatting to this guy all morning on and off, he looks ok in his pictures so I decide to overlook the cheesy chat up and play along for bit.
Then he says,
“Dare I ask sexy have you ever met anyone off here”

So I point out, quite bluntly, that had he read my profile as he claimed to he would know that I was not using the site as a means of getting laid, and that one of the things I don’t like is the number of fellas who are.
He sounded a bit offended that I would even think that’s what he meant (well he would, wouldn‘t he) but benefit of the doubt, and we chat a bit more. Then he says,

“So tell me then sexy what are you doing tonight, have you got any plans?”
“Not sure yet, probably go and meet some friends”
No way was I ever intending to meet him, I feel I should make that clear, the minute he irritated me with the overused sexy he'd blown his chances really, but at this point I’m curious as to what exactly was on offer so I play along some more . . . .
“Is that anything definite, only I was wondering if maybe you’d like to meet up, maybe have a coffee and watch a film?”
So now I’m thinking, is he teetotal or something ? Most men would say a drink and the cinema, so I ask him,
“Why not a pub for a proper drink ?, it’s Friday night after all “
“Oh I can’t go out I gotta go to work, I’m a security guard at the scrap yard and I thought maybe you could come and keep me company”

The fucking scrap yard !!! 
Serious !!! 
This is the first offer of a ‘date’ I’ve had in about three months and it’s a HUT, in a SCRAP YARD drinking coffee and watching a film on what I don’t imagine would be a large HD plasma.

Talk about show a girl a good time. Not.

Fuck. Right. Off.

So anyway he’s blocked, fucking cheeky cunt. And yes I do find this very funny - in an ironic fuck my life kinda way.
Which is why I’m writing about it.
Unreal. But needs to be shared.

And thinking about it he’s gotta be married, cos any normal single man would want to wait until he had a night off and go out somewhere.

Who in their right mind would go and meet a fella for the first time in a place that’s a bit out of the way with no-one else around ?

And only a man who had no other option for meeting women would ask one to do so.

Unless he was a serial killer . . . . . . . .

who wants to be a porn star ?

Hands up ! Who's let someone take a ‘naughty’ picture of them, or maybe took one of themselves, or even made some home porn ?

Everyone’s doing it , aren’t they ?

Given that nowadays even the most basic phone can film videos, I reckon most people have at least thought about it. And probably if they haven’t it’s only because they’ve been unable to persuade the wife/ husband/ partner/ dog to let them.

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m well aware that a lot of people would be pretty shocked or horrified if someone even suggested it. But considering the number of websites that now exist where you can upload your bedroom athletics, (or so I’m told, not that I’ve looked you understand) it makes perfect sense to me that there’s a fuckload (pardon the pun) of people who are very happy for the world to see what goes on behind closed doors…or in full view.

But that’s the concern isn’t it, what if you don’t want the world to see it ? If you let someone else have possession, unless you really know them can you be entirely sure they can be trusted ? Any information is so easily shared over the internet, and there’s a million places it could end up. Your pale spotty fat arse could end up being enjoyed (again, pardon the pun) by thousands and you’d be none the wiser.

Ignorance is supposed to be bliss, but under those circumstances - I’m not so sure.

But then again if that happened and you weren’t happy about it maybe it would be best not to know, once it’s on the world wide web the world and his wife can copy it, or what you’re doing in it . . .if you’re impressive enough.

Even when famous peoples sex tapes have ended up on the net there’s not been much they could do about it despite their money and expensive lawyers.

Of course it’s not like Mr & Mrs Smith from No 47 are gonna get as much attention as Pam and Tommy, but even so if it’s against your knowledge it’s not a nice thing to happen. And I’ve seen websites advertised that are encouraging people to upload videos of their exes for revenge, even as warped as I am I think that’s awful.

Even if you trust the person who's taking the pictures totally, unless the only copies are on a memory stick or some other storage device that’s kept (for instance) locked in the little jewellery case in the bottom drawer underneath the jumpers . . . how can you really be sure ? I know more then one person who's lost a phone that had things on it they really didn’t want anyone else to see.

And mistakes can happen, I once typed a very graphic text for a fella called Mark, then accidentally sent it to my friend Marie instead. Although once I’d worked out why she sent me a text saying she didn’t realise I felt like that I just found it funny.

Let’s face it who amongst us hasn’t lost a mobile phone ?

Or had to put a crashed computer in to be fixed ?

Honestly, if that was my job - retrieving files - damn sure I’d be looking.
I remember when blue tooth phones first came on the market, I was sat in the pub with a few friends and a mate of mine had just got one. He was explaining to me how it worked - scanned the pub - hacked into a phone and he and I spent the next hour looking at this persons graphic pictures of himself and someone we assumed was his girlfriend.

And what if you weren’t aware that the video even existed in the first place?

I have this friend, Karen - she’s a little bit of a prude, doesn’t even really like talking about sex much.
This particular day I’m round her house as is another friend, Carol. Karen had not long finished with her boyfriend, Ray, and I was recently single too.
So exes were the main topic of conversation.
I said that I was a bit concerned that mine - who had a few pictures of me on his phone - might show them around. But I’m philosophical about this, I knew the risks and if I hadn’t then more fool me for letting him take them in the first place, and I said as much. Karen was disgusted with me, and getting quite preachy about it, all “how could you” and “you should be ashamed of yourself”.  Until Carol said,
“You cant say anything Karen, you let Ray film you giving him a blow job. . . "
“No I most certainly did not.”
“Don’t lie Karen, yes you fucking did so stop going on at Cowgirl.”
“I didn’t, I would never let anyone do anything like that, so why are you even saying that I did?”
“Because he showed me the video on his phone.”

"What !!! when ?"
At this point Karen looks very sick and is starting to turn a rather vibrant shade of red while I, of course, am starting to laugh. Carol, who's suddenly realising that Karen didn't know about it looks like she wishes she could leave, but she's got no choice other then to answer the question.
"Just before you broke up, the night we all went for a curry."
"I don't believe you, where was I ?"
"You'd gone to the toilet, Ray and I were at the bar and he showed me."

Ray was from Scotland, and had disappeared back up there when Karen dumped him, so no chance of her getting hold of him and making him delete the offending object either.

Moral of that story I suppose is keep your eyes open at all times. I found this whole thing fucking hilarious, it happened about three years ago, but to this day if I remind Karen about it she turns a lovely shade of beetroot.

I keep saying to her that we should check pornhub and see if she’s on it yet - she doesn’t find that funny.

But I do.

Talking of pornhub I once got chatting to a guy online who claimed that he had put loads of films of him and various women on there. He reckoned that most, though not all, had agreed to be on the website, but that they all knew they were being filmed.

Personally I reckon it was bullshit and fantasy, this bloke had nothing going for him in the looks department. As for the rest I had no desire to ever find out, but I also had no doubt that given an opportunity to act out this fantasy he would. Though how many hits “skinny ginger man fucks (most likely) desperate ugly woman for 15 seconds” would get I don’t know. 
I guess there’s a niche for everyone.

Another guy I know decided to secretly film him and his new girlfriend (who he thought was great, and had been boring us all talking about her for weeks) having sex. He hid a camera on a shelf above his bed.

After she left he was watching the film, gets to the bit where he left the room for some reason or other and he sees her pick his trousers up, get his wallet out of the pocket, take some money out and put it in her bag. Serves him right really.
Of course the reason I know about this story is because he showed everyone, not very nice for the girl in question but really I just think he made himself look like a cunt - on several levels.

And finally, there’s another huge problem with home made porn …..you get to see your own sex face.
Are you really sure you want to do that ?

Update : This post, according to my stats and feedjit is one of the most often viewed. It's also the reason why some of the rather choice search keywords bring random people to my blog.

What cracks me up about it is the 'video'. 

As Feedjit allows me to see when people leave this blog via the internal links I know that some people click it several times. Losers. Hahahahaha. Guess that just proves the point I was making when I wrote this.