just hot air

If you think you read this before you probably did. 

This is a re-post as the original was linked on another blog and I wanted to break the link.

Why do so many people have such a problem with farts ? Especially if a woman lets rip.

Ok if it stinks it’s not nice, but as long as you own up to it does it really matter. I find it hilarious how embarrassed some people can get over them - my own preference is to announce when one is brewing. At least that way I can gauge the potential reaction of everyone around me, and if it looks like there’s someone whose likely to be deeply offended I can point my arse in their direction move away from them.

Apparently to the Greeks it is a real insult and not at all socially acceptable. I worked with a Greek guy who said that even though he had been with his girlfriend for two years he would never fart in front of her. Of course my question then was what did he do if they were getting busy and he needed to fart - he said he would leave the room.

So your naked, horny and with a long term partner yet you leave the room ? What the fuck ? I asked how he felt if she did a fanny fart, but he just looked VERY embarrassed and left the room.
I guess that answered the question then.

Unfortunately how we came to even have this conversation was because this was one of the kids homes I worked in, and when one of the boys had farted at the dinner table his reaction had been completely over the top.
Big mistake.
Once the little monsters darlings knew he had a problem with farts he was forever damned to be subjected to them. If he was around and one of the boys suddenly ran up and stood by him we all knew what was coming.

The team manager and I then took to waiting until he was outside in the garden having his morning cigarette then join him for our morning farts. And the manager was a big Cornish fella - he could blow a fart that you could use to sail a ship.

Actually I think South Park might’ve been on to something when they made the episode about people spontaneously combusting because they were afraid to fart.
There are a few documented incidents of Spontaneous Combustion, the ones that I’ve read about in England appeared to happen in olden times when people were much more uptight about everything, so I would think even less inclined to fart, and women were laced up tight in corsets so it might’ve been impossible for them.

Lets face it if you have to hold it in it hurts - do that often enough it’s gonna have a derogatory effect sooner or later.

And if you’ve ever seen anyone light a fart you’ll have no doubt there’s potential for explosion.

The first time I ever saw anyone do that I thought it was the funniest thing ever. Well I was about 17, the problem was the boyfriend that did it liked my reaction so much he then proceeded to set light to it EVERY time he farted.

It soon got a bit old.

When I was even younger me and my two best mates taught ourselves how to fanny fart at will.
Our favourite source of amusement was to sit at the back of the bus and do them.

Even though they didn’t smell the looks of disgust we would get from other passengers was hilarious, people would make faces and wave their hands as if it stank - sometimes even moving seats.

That just made us worse.

I laugh about that even more now because none of us really understood what we were doing, we were young and naïve.

Farting has always had comic value - there was famous music hall performer in the 1800’s named Josef Pujol whose act was to fart musically, and the audiences of the day found this very funny. I wonder how those same people would have reacted had it been the person sat next to them, although the music halls were considered risqué at time - they were after all the original home of burlesque.

Did anyone ever fart while doing the Can Can ?

People are odd though, I’ve been sat in the Cinema and someone’s farted (no, it wasn't me) and the reactions varied from laughter to disgust, yet if someone farts in a comedy film everyone finds it funny.

I laugh at my own farts - and I don’t care if that’s as bad as laughing at your own jokes.
I do that too.

Who knows ? Wherever I might be by the time you guys see this post it certainly won't be snowing.

Yup. Fooled you, this was a scheduled post !! I'm still on holiday !! See y'all soon :)X

bad decisions

No offence to my readers across the pond but I used to think America was pretty fucked.
The home of McDonalds, Jerry Springer, KKK and the Westborough church.

I suppose it's relevant to the size of the country but America seems to have the worst of everything. Serial killers, drive by shootings, gangs, botox filled 8 year olds in beauty pageants, crazy people and extreme obesity.
There is so much stuff that I see on the TV that makes me say 'only in America'.
And yeah I know that there are other countries where worse things happen, but it seems to me that some parts of America are so fucking tolerant of so much wrongness whilst being intolerant of other things that are rightly becoming accepted elsewhere - gay marriage for instance.
But the thing that scares me the most is watching documentaries about the youth. Especially young black people, any American prison I've ever seen on TV appears to be full of young black men, my sons age and younger, who often talk about killing each other and awful things they've seen on the street as if it's normal everyday stuff.
I guess for them it is.
I find that worrying and very very sad.

Some of the things I've seen and heard about the country made me very glad indeed to be English.

But lately I'm starting to think that we're heading the same way over here.

If we want our country to have a decent prosperous future then we need to invest in our youth. It sounds like a cliche but the children are the future, and if you don't take care of them - by giving them decent chances and choices in life you're gonna get screwed when it's their turn to run the country or work and pay taxes that keep the place afloat.
Fact.

Crime rates, underage drinking, poverty, lack of education, teenage pregnancy and drug use are linked.
Fact.
It's also true that a lot of those things occur out of boredom, lack of choice and low aspirations. Many young people nowadays live in areas of high density population where unemployment rates are high and the local schools are performing badly in terms of pupils achievements.

It's a downward spiral of low expectations and outcomes that's starting at a younger age with each new generation.

One of my previous jobs was working for a community based charity that targetted young people who were perceived to be at risk of, or already involved in criminal activity by setting up Youth Inclusion Programmes. Since I was employed at the start of a new project part of the role was to talk to the police, youth offending team, schools and councillors and obtain anti-social behaviour and crime statistics for the area.
As a charity that relied on funding we needed to be able to prove there was a need in the chosen area, and then over time show that the work we undertook had an effect on those statistics.
The work was essentially in two parts, young people who were referred into the project by the police and YOT -  these kids were the ones to whom we would offer an intensive service that involved mentoring, and the other part was to set up and run community based activities that were open to any young person who wanted to attend.

It took about six months to get things properly up and running. Some young people were easier to reach then others, but once it was in place we had ALL the kids from the area who were known to the police involved, coming to our sports sessions, youth groups, working with us in school, some were even working towards recognised awards such as the Duke of Edinburgh.

We helped these kids stay out of trouble by keeping them entertained.
Although I no longer work there the project - and several others run by the same charity around the city - are still running and doing great things. I could write about individuals I personally mentored and achievements they made but this would end up being an epic post, lets just say it still makes me very happy to know I played a part in helping them on the right path.
I occasionally see some of the young people around and they are all doing well. Yes there are some for whom it doesn't work, but mostly it does.
And yes, those statistics did indeed drop.

And really all we did was give them something productive and entertaining to do with their spare time that gave them a choice other then petty crime and anti-social behaviour.

And then . . . .

Today on the news I hear the government are cutting funding to youth services by FOUR MILLION pounds.

Way to fucking go.

All this will do is increase the levels of boredom, and lack of productive activities for our kids and force closure of the remaining youth centres, and what will the end result of that be ?
Bored kids getting into trouble.
And worse.
(Update in light of recent events: Much worse. Once again I was right.)

Because it will be the youngsters from the poorer families in the deprived areas where the youth club is their only alternative to hanging around the streets who suffer. The ones who need the free services because for whatever reason their families cannot afford to be paying for expensive clubs and sports centres.
Even if they could young people are often quite territorial, they like to socialise and meet with their friends in their local area, and a lot of built up urban areas are lucky to have a park, never mind a sports centre, cinema or the like.
And of course the other important service that youth workers provide is taking the time to get to know the young people and their problems, and offering alternatives and solutions. They are crucial in identifying issues that need specialised help, like drugs workers and health advisers and can direct young people to other services that they are often unaware of such as sexual health. Sometimes they identify victims of child abuse, their role goes way beyond organising activities.

In Hampshire alone this will mean the loss of 150 youth workers and Connexions advisers. Connexions is a service that helps young people access jobs and further education.

The announcement said that services to disabled youngsters won't be affected.
Well I guess that's good news for them but they are rarely the kids who end up in trouble, and if you're disabled there is other help available to you and your family. In this country if you as an adult are unable to work because you are caring for another person who is disabled there are extra benefits you can claim, and there are many charities that offer all kinds of help.

Living in a high rise flat in a crap area where there's nothing to do and no green spaces with three siblings, one parent and no money qualifies you for nothing.
Apart from a shitty life.
Education might be a way out, as long as your school isn't subject to government cuts that mean there are 40 kids to every teacher and the disruptive kids ruin every lesson because there's no money left to fund pupil referral units that specialise in helping them.

The other 'sweetener' to accompany this bitter pill is that instead of 4 million given to youth services, which generally run centers and offer services that are available to all, the government is going to give 1.8 million to youth  charities. They do great things, as I said it was a charity that I worked for, but often with charities the work will be aimed at a particular group to the exclusion of others. Charities are required to bid for funding, so there is no guarantee that the money will go where it is most needed. If the worst and neediest area has no charity based within it to apply for some of that money then none is going to go there.

In the same news bulletin was the announcement that the Hindhead tunnel opened today.
This cost THREE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY MILLION pounds.

This'll come in handy when no-one can afford a car anymore.

And we are also reported to be spending around NINE BILLION pounds on the various venues etc needed to host the Olympics next year.

Lately twisted priorities seem to be a bit of a recurring theme for me, but this, takes the proverbial fucking biscuit.
Lets invest in roads and stadiums to impress the rest of the world.
And who gives a fuck that our young people are fast becoming a wasted generation with nothing to look forward to apart from criminal records, drugs, unemployment, teenage pregnancy and prison.

We need to start making some serious investments in our schools, and that means paying teachers a decent wage as well as the buildings, and stop cutting back on the services that provide for those most in need.

When's the next election 'cos I think I'd make a much better job of running this country then the fuckwits doing it now.

If Americas's screwed then Britain is being royally fucked up the arse.

little devils and angels without halos #2

The second post in an occasional series of stories from my times working in children’s homes.

Paul, my key-child had been home for a few days with his family. On his return he had four £20 notes in an envelope which he said were a gift from his Nan, he asked me to put them in his locker, which was in the office.

The root of all evil ?

This kid had a habit of helping himself to things that weren’t exactly his, so the next day I rang his mum and asked her if she knew about the money. She said that no, she didn’t and she had wondered where it went but, “ he may as well keep it “.

I thought that a bit odd, but her money her son so I didn’t question it...

As key worker one of the things you would be responsible for was taking your child shopping, they all had pocket money and weekly allowances for clothes & toiletries which could be saved up if they wanted. Paul wanted to go shopping as he had a fair bit saved, and wanted to spend his own money. We got a lift to the train station, the home was on the outskirts of a small town but it didn’t have much in the way of a shopping centre so if shopping for clothes we’d go to one that was a 30min train ride away.

It was only when we were sat on the train that Paul realised he hadn’t brought his own money.
Not a real problem since I had the money from the home.

I loved shopping with this kid - apart from the relationship building that comes from spending time one on one - he enjoyed hunting out the bargains as much as me. He said that he wanted to get some moisturiser because his skin was always dry after swimming, so off we go to the drug store where we spend ages, him wanting to try the different creams on his arms and me advising him, and when he ran out of space on his arms he was using mine. Eventually he decided on cocoa butter. We must’ve been in that shop for close to an hour.

Does exactly what it says
on the label.

We went and spent his clothing money then went for a burger before getting the train back. He was very pleased with all the things he bought that day but he didn’t stop going on about all the other things he could’ve bought if he’d remembered to bring his money, he even asked me if I’d lend it to him but I refused - it was against the rules anyway.

Whilst we were sat waiting to be picked up from the station on our return he said something about the cream he’d bought - I don’t remember exactly what, and as soon as he said it he shut up as he realised that he had accidentally let slip that what he really wanted it for was “me time”.
Great, essentially I spent an hour advising a teenage boy about lube.

The worst of that was every once in a while he’d walk past us and there would be a strong smell of cocoa butter and we knew……..

Later that evening his mum called but at the time he was playing football so I had a chat to her, and told her we’d been shopping. When I told her that he had forgotten to take the £80 she laughed and said it was a good job we hadn’t - the money was forged - and Paul knew this.

Lets just say I was very glad he did forget it, otherwise instead of talking to her at the very least I would’ve been sat in a cell with him, if not arrested myself..

Paul really struggled with literacy but anything electrical or mechanical he was a genius, he had a lot of issues to deal with, including mild autism/aspergers. At the end of my time working there we took the boys on holiday to a seaside town. By day three we were a bit curious how they all had cigarettes to smoke instead of the usual roll-ups, they weren’t old enough to buy cigarettes from a shop but the hotel had a vending machine. As one of the lads had been given a fair bit of spending money by his mum and said he bought from the machine them we just decided to wait and see. In that kind of work you cannot ever be judgemental so unless we had concrete proof or serious cause for concern we would give the benefit of the doubt.

Lucky 7 or just a fluke....

There was a fruit machine in the social room in the hotel and Paul had wanted to play, we had said no he wasn’t old enough but one of the hotel staff said it was fine.
Cheers.

So when Paul had a pocket full of change he said he had won on the machine we had no real reason to doubt him, although knowing him we were suspicious.

My boss spoke to the hotel manager who told him that the night porter had said he’d seen two of our lads coming out of the social room in the early hours of the morning a couple of days before.
And he never said anything ? Again, cheers.
But as this was the last night of the holiday we decided not to say anything to the boys, just watch and wait.

Thanks, but no....

In the evening I was in the room I was sharing with the other female staff getting ready to go out for our last night and there’s a knock on the door, when I open it there is Paul wanting to speak to me.

He has a leaving present for me.

SIXTY cigarettes.

I tell him that whilst I appreciate the thought I really can’t accept them.

Our boss then decided to sit up all night, about 3am Paul appears with another of the lads and is told to go back to bed. In the morning we set off back for the home and when we return we tell all the boys to put their bags in the living room and search them. We found about 40 packets of cigarettes, most of which were in Pauls bag, the other four had one or two packets each, and at the bottom of Pauls bag there was also about £50 in change.
Turns out the crafty sod knew how to break into cigarette machines.

We had to make a very apologetic call to the hotel and return what we found, luckily for him the hotel manager agreed that as long as he paid the rest back he would not press charges.

I found it.....

Pauls story was that he ‘found’ the money and had used some to buy a packet of cigarettes from the ‘broken’ vending machine which then dispensed all the cigarettes it had. Of course he would’ve handed them in except there were no hotel staff around at 4am. Hmmmm.

When I rang his mother to explain she said “oh yeah, his uncle used to run a vending machine company, he knows all the tricks”…..
Thanks for telling us.

I have to say I really liked that kid, it took me a long time to build a relationship with him but underneath all the messed up crap life had thrown him he was such a character. The fact that he wanted to give me 60 of the cigarettes (and he even got the brand right) as a token of appreciation said a lot about him and how much he, despite the grief he used to give me, thought of me.
In every kids home I worked in cigarettes are as valuable as money.

He had a huge heart, unfortunately he didn’t have the brains to realise that his gesture was going to drop himself in the shit.

Tbc.

artistic persuasion

Last night I watched a TV programme about an educational experiment.

English readers will probably know the programme I’m talking about, but for the benefit of those that aren’t they’ve got a group of 17yr olds, all of whom left school with no qualifications, and have set up a school where they have invited several well known public figures to teach them, some in subjects that are not traditionally taught in our schools.

The teenagers are, I guess, the kind of kids that might be seen as rebellious, this was evident from the behaviour shown by some of them. It was also evident that at least a couple of the adults teaching them were somewhat fazed by this.



pavement drawing

But this is what struck me the most.

They have Rankin as an art teacher, and were given a project to take a photo of themselves home and change the picture into something that represented themselves.

Every single one of them came back with an outstanding creative picture.

And it was also obvious that not only were they very pleased with the work they had produced but the praise Rankin gave them for it meant so much to all of them.
The beauty of using art as a teaching medium is that there is no right or wrong - like there is with any other subject. And raising self esteem is good for everyone, but especially for those who have little or no self belief.

Art reaches everyone.

look closely

A couple of years ago I was working for a charity that ran community projects, the young people from one of the groups I was involved with made a video for a safety campaign. They knew they would get a voucher for doing this but when the day came for the presentations the thing that these guys were most pleased about was the fact that they were each given a certificate.

That piece of paper meant more to any of them then the vouchers.

 Any art project would always spark interest and be well attended.

 Many times I’d hear one of them say that there was no point in them coming because they were ‘rubbish at art’.

With a little persuasion they could usually be talked into coming along anyway - I’d tell them I’d find them something to do, but often it was these kids who ended up getting the most involved and getting the most out of it.

south bank street entertainer

Once they realised that art doesn’t have to mean drawing a bowl of fruit or painting a masterpiece and it’s really just about being creative however you can.

And because it was always a fun thing the kids would relax and enjoy themselves which was great for building relationships.

I ran a project with a bunch of kids during the school holidays where we made a giant mural to decorate the main room in our new building, the way this was funded meant that the young people got a recognised award at the end, and also a trip as a reward.

We took them to the Tate Modern.

For anyone who doesn’t know the Tate is on the South Bank of the Thames.


Walking from the train to the gallery we passed all the various street entertainers that are always there (none of the kids we had with us had even been to London before, and they were fascinated).

These were all young people who are considered to be a ‘problem’ in their neighbourhood, anyone who saw them that day would never believe that. Professional terminology for these kids and others like them would be 'Hard to Reach'.

river thames sand culpture

For me the biggest reward and the absolute highlight was as were walking back to the station



As I was taking a photo of the view one of the girls - a kid who never went to school and was always in trouble with the police - linked her arm through mine and said to me,

“I’ve realised today that anything can be art if you think it is”

Art can touch even the 'Hard to Reach'.
It's a powerful and empowering thing.

perfect end to a perfect day

little devils and angels without halos #1

The first in an occasional series of posts.

I spent about eight years working in childrens homes and have so many fond and funny memories from those days.

Some of the stories are too good not to share.

Obviously I am changing names, I doubt the kids or anyone who knew them would read this but I need to respect their confidentiality even now.

The young people I had the pleasure to know in that time were in care for any and every reason possible.

None of them ended up there because their histories were happy yet they never failed to amaze me with their ability, despite all that had happened to them, to retain a sense of humour.

Anyone whose ever worked with young people that have experienced any kind of abuse will have no doubt about the strength of the human spirit.

A lot of the time we laughed with them, although sometimes it was necessary to hide in the office to do so because they did something wrong but hilarious, and in our roles as substitute parents we had to be careful not to condone their behaviour.

Of all the places I worked the one I liked the most was a home that only took boys, all between 12 and 16 and frequently in the grip of teenage hormones and the ‘one-track’ minds resulting from that.

One day of the lads was sat in the dining room listening to music, I’m in the kitchen cooking and he shouts to me,

“what’s for lunch Cowgirl ?”

“pasta bake Jack”

“what ?…..” followed by hysterical teenage boy laughing.

I go into the dining room and ask him what is so funny about pasta bake….

“oh…more giggles…pasta bake….. I thought you said masturbate”

I didn't dare ask how he pictured lunch in his head.

Another day myself, two male members of staff and Jack along with a couple of other boys went to a nearby lake which was a local swimming spot.
Female staff didn’t go swimming - not a good idea to be in any state of undress in front of the boys - but the men would.
One of the staff, Alan, went to get changed and came back wearing a pair of tight speedos.
Cue giggling and sniggering from all the boys, but mostly Jack

Eventually Alan, who wasn't always entirely in tune with teenagers said,

“What are you laughing at Jack ?”
“For a grown man your not very big are you ?”
“Well Jack I don’t think it’s very appropriate of you to say that”
Jack is now having serious problems trying not to laugh even more and the other guy there had gone ‘to make sure the boys in the water are ok’ because he had also wanted to laugh.

I had no such excuse so was pretending to look in my bag.

Jack, however, had nothing to lose.

“I’m just saying . . . I think mines bigger then yours and I’m 14 and you’re a grown man”
“Jack I suggest you be quiet now before you get yourself into trouble”
“I’d be in trouble if my equipment was that small”

“Jack I’m warning you……”

“What are you gonna do Alan, your just jealous and if there wasn’t a lady present I’d get my knob out and challenge you to a duel”

After that remark I could no longer contain my laughter.

I did later apologise to Alan for not being more supportive, but Jack did have a point.

I also later found out that he had been told by a manager that the policies of the home said that male staff should wear shorts and not speedos for swimming.

to be continued.....